Caption Contest

Do What Now?

From the train wreck of Sarah Palin:

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out.

Remember kids: Winners never always quit.

Not Always Finer

As much as I love my home state of NC, there are some real douchebag politicians there, democrats and repubs.

Corporal punishment is allowed in NC schools, which is idiotic. Actually, half of the school districts have had the sense to ban it, but the other half are fully in favor of 200-lb men repeatedly hitting 45-lb girls on their butts with pieces of wood.

Recently a bill was proposed that would give parents the right to opt out of the government beatings - not ban the beatings, mind you, simply give parents the right to say no. Predictably, the bill sailed through the house, and looked to be ready to do so in the senate.

But then the senators started waxing nostalgic about the beatings they received in school. And of course, they want to be fair. As one opponent (a democrat, shame on shame) said, it wouldn't be fair for one kid to take a whooping while another lucky ducky gets a non-violent punishment.

I'm going down to NC in a few weeks, and I'm thinking of stopping by the legislature with a nice piece of hickory. Maybe those guys would like to do a little more waxing.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

You know, if you're going to hold a nativist rally and have a major-league batshit-crazy peddler like Pat Buchanan there to promote English as America's official language, you might want to spell check your banners.

Just a thought.

"As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."

John Hodgman gave the keynote at the Radio & Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, using his time -- and his audience with the president -- to address the epic struggle between jocks and nerds.

Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

I have no idea who this fella is, but he looks like he's equal parts Roy Orbison, Nacho Libre, and Elvis Aron Presley, and that's alright with me. I am a little disturbed that a man who goes by the name of "Orion" has the nerve not to wear a belt. I guess he doesn't care if he makes the astronomers cry.

Busy week, so let's cut to the chase:

1. Tom Waits, "Way Down in the Hole" -- Even if you're not a fan of Tom Waits (and given the fact that his voice was best described as sounding like a man who'd gargled hot tar), you might recognize this song from the opening credits of "The Wire." They used a different version each season, but the second season (on the docks) used his original. This is from Frank's Wild Years, one of my all time favorites. 10/10

2. Shirley Bassey, "Hey Big Spender (Wild Oscar Mix)" -- The brassy Miss Bassey did some fantastic work in the '60s, including several James Bond themes ("Goldfinger," "Diamonds Are Forever," etc.). This is a nice electronica remix of one of her campier tunes. 8/10

3. The Roots, "Star/Pointro" -- This is the opening track off The Tipping Point, and it's a nice slow one that builds off Sly Stone's "Everybody is a Star" and only gets better from there. Much like the combination of your chocolate and my peanut butter, this is a mixture that works incredibly well. 8/10

4. The Budos Band, "Deep in the Sand" -- I don't know much about the Budos Band; I think I-Rod passed along a CD of theirs to me. But I know I like them. Their stuff sounds like the instrumental score to a blaxploitation flick. Big, balls-out and brassy. 7/10

5. The Replacements, "Bastards of Young" -- An outstanding song from the outstanding album Tim. I'll let Pedro rave about them in the comments and bitch that this score is too low. Bring it on. 9/10

6. The Arcade Fire and David Bowie, "Wake Up (live)" -- This is a recording from a concert at Radio City Music Hall. I saw Arcade Fire at Summerstage in Central Park a week later and predicted -- correctly, for once in my life -- that they'd be joined by Bowie for a surprise performance of this at the end of the set. (They also returned the favor and sang "Queen Bitch" with him.) Absofuckinglutely amazing. 10/10

7. R.E.M., "Pretty Persuasion (live)" -- Huh, another live tune. This is from a 1985 concert -- in Germany, I think? Some place called Rockpalast? The original is one of my favorite tunes of theirs, off my favorite album of theirs. This is a shitty recording though, a little all over the place. 5/10

8. Girl Talk, "Keeping the Beat" -- Gregg Gillis is a phenomanal DJ and mixer (the extra "G" stands for "great," I believe), but his first album was a tad scattered and uneven. Compared to the next two, which are fucking brilliant, this is just a little tame. 6/10

9. Superchunk, "Precision Auto (live)" -- Jesus, I think my laptop wants to go to a concert. This is a great tune by the kings (and queen) of indie punk-pop, but again, the recording (from Lord knows where) is a little dicey. I bet all the pogoing from the band threw the sound technician off. They made me spill my Olympia more than once. That's three cents worth of beer you owe me, Mac! 7/10

10. Ella Fitzgerald, "The Muffin Man" -- Why yes, I do have a child. But this is a pretty nice version all the same. 6/10

That adds up to an impressive 7.6 average, which is easily the highest rating I've had in years.

Let's see what you can do. Drop your own FRTs, with or without the patented Coolness Self Audit, into the comments. If you're too lazy, just unleash your thoughts about mine. And if you're too lazy to do even that, the nurse will be in to roll you over and prevent bedsores any minute now.

I Heart the '80s

Keeping with the '80s drug theme today. Thanks to Warming Glow for finding this.

The Dark Crack Rock

I saw The Dark Crystal as a kid, but it's amazing how different it seems all these years later.

Caption Contest

Alright, have at it.

We Hold These Truths To Be Self Evident (After My Wife Yells at Me)

Time spent with my 6-month-old son while my daughter is in daycare is "quality time," not a "sausage fest."

Friday Random Ten

Nearly forgot to throw this out there. Well, I said this would be a semi-regular revival. I can't promise to get these up every week. I can't promise to try, either. But I'll promise to try to try.

In the spirit of half-assing it, I thought I'd go with a little Vanilla Ice for the album cover this week. I have no memory of this, but apparently he was in a movie, a shameless reworking of Rebel Without a Cause that seems to have costarred Paula Poundstone (or a reasonable facsimile) and biker pants made from the backdrop to the "Parents Just Don't Understand" video. And a metric ton of hair spray. Sweeeeeet.

Alright, here we go:

1. Eric B. and Rakim, "Microphone Fiend" -- Holy shit, this is a nice start. The best hiphop duo of all-time, and regardless of what the snobs at the Federal Election Commission say, Eric B. is and always will be my perennial choice for president. 8/10

2. DJ Danger Mouse, "Encore" -- From the bootleg Grey Album, Danger Mouse's mashup of Jay-Z's Black Album and the Beatles' White Album, this one takes the vocals from "Encore" and uses sampled bits from "Savoy Truffle" and "Glass Onion." Not the best on the album. 5/10

3. Moby, "God Moving Over the Face of the Waters (String Quartet Tribute)" -- An impressive remix (re-recording?) of a song from the Play album, using real string instrumentation in what had previously been a little bit of hypertechnical electronica. Very nice. 8/10

4. Beck, "Go It Alone" -- I keep waiting for the anvil to drop, but this is the fourth straight solid pick. Very catchy, nice little beat, and the minty fresh attitude that only Scientology can provide. 9/10

5. Nick Drake, "Hazy Jane I" -- I know I'm supposed to love Nick Drake, and I keep giving him a chance, but it's just a little too somnambulent for me. I like "Pink Moon" a lot, but the hushed vocals start to put me to sleep if I listen to more than that. 6/10

6. Django Reinhardt and Stephane Grappelli, "Tears" -- Another mellow one here, which is a shame because the faster tunes from this duo really show off their Depression-era shredding skills. What's Belgian for "Meh"? 5/10

7. The Rapture, "The Devil" -- And here's the stinker. I like a few songs by these guys. Maybe just one. Actually, as this plays, I'm getting the urge to find someone with skinny jeans and a porkpie hat and kick him square in the nuts. 3/10

8. Sunset Rubdown, "The Empty Threats of Little Lord" -- One of the many side projects from the boys in Wolf Parade. Some of their stuff is solid, but this has a lot of art-rock wankery to it. Eh. 3/10

9. Minnie Riperton, "Les Fleur" -- Well, here's a nice recovery. A great bit of disco-era soul, recently sampled by Jurassic 5 for "Thin Line," that song they did with Nelly Furtado. (Yes, you read that right.) High-pitched backing vocals, melodramatic lyrics, rich instrumentation ... this is wrong in every way that made the 1970s right. 9/10

10. The Woggles, "Flash Flood" -- Some '90s surf rock from a collection of '90s surf rock. Pretty indistinguishable from all the others. 4/10

Alright, that's a 6.1 average on the day. Not cool by any stretch of the imagination, but an improvement on last week.

Let's have your own FRTs and your assorted smartassery in the comments.

Whither the Boomerang

When I was a kid, there was nothing cooler than boomerangs. Maybe it was the name, maybe it was the cool way it looked when you threw it, maybe it was because nobody would play with me. Sure, usually they didn't actually come back to you, and if it did come back you probably sustained lifelong finger damage. But dammit, you weren't cool if you didn't have one.

So now I'm looking for a boomerang for the kids (well, really so I can show them how cool I look when I play with a boomerang), and I can't find one anywhere. At Dicks and Modells the teen "workers" looked at me like I asked for a pet rock. I know, I can get them online, but I tells ya, a sports store that doesn't carry boomerangs just seems un-American to me.

"Good News, Everyone!"

This is outstanding:

A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox Television confirms that the cable net has ordered 26 new episodes of Matt Groening and David X. Cohen’s late, great animated series to air beginning in 2010. The studio cites Futurama’s “blockbuster” performance on DVD and in reruns on Comedy Central as the reason for its rebirth. [...]

“When we brought back Family Guy several years ago, everyone said that it was a once in a lifetime thing — that canceled series stay canceled and cannot be revived,” 20th Century Fox TV Chairmen Gary Newman and Dana Walden said in a joint statement. “But Futurama was another series that fans simply demanded we bring back, and we couldn’t have been happier when Matt and David agreed that there were many more stories yet to tell.”

For all of you who never got into the show -- remember when the Simpsons started to really suck, around season eight? It's because the writers and producers took all their funny shit and moved it over to Futurama.

And now Zoidberg is the popular one!

Caption Contest

It's been far too long since we had a caption contest, and this little beauty is begging for it.

The photo. Not Barbara Bush.

Alright, I need to go bleach my eyes.

Han Solo, p.i.

It's not as good a ripoff as "Wiggum, p.i.", but it'll do.

Where's My Cheap Swine?

So we had the swine flu (biggest disappointment since cat scratch fever), and everyone is afraid of pork. Yeah, it's stupid, but it's America. So how come I can't get a good price on pork? $1.99/lb for pork chops? come on, we can do better.

Friday Random Ten

Alright, I make no promises. But for today, at least, it's time for a Friday Random Ten.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with all internet traditions, I'm setting the iTunes to random, writing down the first ten songs that come up -- with no backsies! -- and then rating them on a 1-to-10 scale that's about as arbitrary as every other single 1-to-10 scale. (I'm looking at you, Olympic ice dancing judges!)

And. Here. We. Go!

1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Bonita Applebaum [Sir Piers & Si Ashton's Curious House Mix]" -- I think I just used up all my post space with that title. This is from a random CD I grabbed ages ago called New School vs. Old School, Vol. 2, and it's pretty much what the title suggests, a trancy little house remix of some old Tribe. I can't remember the last time I even heard this, but it's not too shabby. Is that Ron Burgundy on the jazz flute? Why yes. Yes it is. 7/10

2. Propellerheads, "Take California" -- If it's a song they once used in ads to hawk the iPod, that's a pretty good sign of the rump-shaking capabilities. (But holy shit, that original iPod looks like a goddamn Betamax. Those things weighed eight pounds, if I remember correctly.) Anyway, solid tune. 9/10

3. Sly and the Family Stone, "Soul Clappin'" -- One of my favorite albums by these folks is the earlier, often overlooked Dance to the Music. This is off that one, but the song itself is not exactly one of my favorites. Still, it's Sly Stone. Who the hell are you? 6/10

4. Gipsyland, "Salaam" -- Apparently, I once owned Buddha Bar V and yes, this sounds like a CD hawked by a hip Parisian bar. Sort of a Middle Eastern version of the Gipsy Kings. Eh. 5/10

5. Beck, "Jack-Ass" -- Ah, this is a nice one. It features a nicely looped sample from Them's "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue," but puts a nice spin on it while preserving the groove of the original. Even though I always think it's the original when this one comes up at first, this is solid work of classic, pre-Scientology Beck. 8/10

6. The Afghan Whigs, "True Love Travels on a Gravel Road" -- This comes off the Uptown Avondale EP, which is a set of five cover songs. This one never really did much for me, as it's sleepy enough to induce a coma if you're not careful. Elvis and Nick Lowe gave better versions of "True Love," in my opinion, and on this EP, the song is strongly overshadowed by the terrific covers the Whigs do of Freda Payne's "Band of Gold" and the Supremes' "Come See About Me." 3/10

7. Jimmy Castor Bunch, "Hey Leroy, Your Mama's Callin' You" -- I'm not sure why Jimmy Castor felt the need to badger Leroy so much in their songs, but I have a sneaking feeling it all ended badly. 6/10

8. Paul Simon, "Born at the Right Time" -- This album, Rhythm of the Saints, was largely forgotten in the wake of the masterpiece of Graceland, but it's pretty damn good all on its own. This is a sweet one, and after "The Obvious Child," the best of the bunch. 7/10

9. Joe Dassin, "Les Champs-Élysées" -- Why, yes, I did purchase the soundtrack for The Darjeeling Limited. Thanks, iTunes, for making the Kinks' "Strangers" unavailable for purchase in any other form. Without that rule, I wouldn't own this apparent tribute to Maurice Chevalier. 2/10

10. Coldplay, "I'll See You Soon" -- Ah, fuck me. This is from a CD some friends made for their wedding. I can't even bring myself to listen to it, so I'm going to take a zero for the team. 0/10

Well, that didn't end well. With those last two stinkers factored in, I'm averaging a stellar 5.3 on the day. Hmm. Maybe this feature should've remained in mothballs.

Alright, feel free to pick apart my songs and ratings in the comments, but better yet, throw out your own random ten.

I Heart Heart

The Decemberists may be indie rock darlings, but they always seem to bust out a terrific cover song in concert. I saw them several years back, and they joined Death Cab for Cutie on stage for an encore performance of "Hungry Like the Wolf." Fuck and yes.

Anyway, here they are rocking out Heart's "Crazy for You." Enjoy.

Summer Lovin'

With the end of the regular season of television, we're about to be inundated with a summer full of bargain-bin network programming like So You Think You Can Yodel? and America's Top Bass Fisherman.

While some people will try to fill the void of decent programming by enduring the waking coma known as Major League Baseball or the morphine drip of golf -- sorry, I had to pause and yawn just typing that -- there are other shows out there on the non-network stations. So, unless you're Amish and don't have cable, let me recommend some shows to check out.

Breaking Bad: After the success they had with "Mad Men," AMC has put out another impressive-as-hell show with this one.

For the uninitiated, it stars the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" as a chemistry teacher who becomes a meth kingpin. (No, I'm not high.) The rest of the cast is terrific -- Bob Odenkirk has a recurring role as a strip mall Tom Hagen consigliere/lawyer, for instance -- but Cranston is just fucking amazing. There's a reason he won the Emmy for his first season work, and this season is even better.

If you liked "The Shield" or "The Sopranos," check this out. It's nearing the end of the run, but AMC should be showing it again in repeats.

Party Down: This season just wrapped up, but I'd be surprised if Starz -- yes, that's a real cable network -- doesn't re-run this on an infinite loop. It's a dark comedy about a catering company. There's an amazing regular ensemble which includes a lot of hey-I-know-that-guy! supporting actors like Adam Scott and Martin Starr (everything Judd Apatow), Ken Marino ("The State"), and Jane Lynch ("Best in Show"). The weekly guest stars are pretty great too -- Stephen Webber from "Wings" did a bit as a Russian mobster that was hysterical, and Ed Begley played a weed-and-Viagra hustler on the make at a seniors' singles seminar. (No, I'm still not high.)

Burn Notice: This one is on the USA Network, which has also come a hell of a long way in original programming lately. Again, for the uninitiated, it's about a spy who's blackballed from the profession and left to his own devices in Miami. I came to this one really late, after hearing how great it was from too many people. What won me over was their casting Bruce Campbell as the sidekick. The new season starts up soon, and this seems to be an easy one to join in late.

Anything else good on? It's a long hot summer until we get football and fall programming. Let's talk.

Jesse Ventura Beats Up a Girl

Actually, make that three girls.

He bitchslaps Sean Hannity here and makes Brian Kilmeade of "Fox and Fuhrers" look like the bunched-panties tool he is here.

Creeping Socialism

Courtesy of Balloon Juice, the single best smackdown to the titans of industry who still don't fucking get it.

I see little reason to give credence to those alarmists who see the Chrysler case setting a dangerous precedent. With the admittedly substantial exception of General Motors—whose existing creditors should be busy stocking up on Vaseline, ball gags, and Motrin—I cannot fathom why the government would want to get more broadly involved in corporate restructurings. The process causes massive amounts of brain damage, absolutely nobody likes the result—with the possible exception of the lunatic fringe on the left—and it sets up the Administration for all sorts of political pain in the future. There is absolutely no upside and tons of downside, which is a situation so anathema to politicians that most of them spend their entire careers dodging difficult decisions that would land them in such soup. Obama cannot be happy about it, unless he is an idiot or a nut. I will hazard an educated guess that he is neither.

The whole thing is great. Forward it on to the wingnuts in your life.

Well, Somebody Has Time to Bleed

I would give anything to see this.

RIP, Dom DeLuise

Never Go Full Retard

This is like watching the Hindenberg explode.

And as Michelle Bachmann will explain to you, with her deep knowledge of history, the Hindenberg was a spaceship designed by Alfred Einstein that blew up and killed the Wright Brothers.

Freedumb

This is some powerfully strong stupid from Sen. Jim DeMint.

CNN's Rick Sanchez reacts to it like he's been hit in the face by a skunk. And rightfully so.

The Breaking Point

Not even Fox News's own anchors are buying its bullshit anymore.

LLatPoN Classic: Maddening

Given the exciting news that semifunctional mongoloid John Madden is retiring -- or being mercy-killed, a la Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" -- I thought it would be nice to repost an old favorite from 2005.

Enjoy. Or don't. See if I care.

As regular readers of LLatPoN will recognize, the bloggers here are all 100% American. And as such, we're all ridiculously huge football fans.

The fall is a holy time for us, as it brings not just the return of the NFL and college ball, but enough related activity -- like fantasy leagues and an extra thirty or so hours of TV time -- to fill the voids that are our lives. My wife blessedly lets me have Sundays to myself, my friends and my DirecTV NFL Uberfan package, and I enter a warm and friendly womb in which NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is my benevolent and wise ruler.

So I love football; I live for football. But as the modern-day poets of Poison reminded us, every rose has its thorns. And the biggest, fattest, dumbest thorn of football season is, without doubt, John Madden.

I know there are people for whom Madden embodies all that's great about football, but I have it on good authority that all such people are communists. Madden may have had good days with the Raiders way back when and he might have lucked into endorsing the hottest NFL video game, but at his current job -- color commentary -- he is absofuckinglutely horrible.

A good color man will offer insight on the game, thoughts on why a certain kind of offensive play worked, what kind of coverage the defense is using, what strategies are being employed and what adjustments are being made on the fly. Madden, however, tends to offer the kind of color commentary that would come from a seeing-eye dog: He simply describes what's happening as if you didn't see it yourself, and he does so with the intelligence of a slightly retarded labrador retriever. A slightly retarded labrador retriever who likes to yell "BOOM!" a lot.

His commentary during the action generally veers between the obvious and the oblivious. Here's a pearl of wisdom that just came down live: "It's almost impossible to play offensive football without an offensive line." Really? Who knew? If his comments aren't empty to begin with, they slowly circle into nothingness, like a turd in the toilet bowl. This isn't an exact quote -- remembering it perfectly would cause me to slip into a coma -- but there was a line from tonight's game that went something like this: "You see, Robert Ferguson can give you the short catch, and he can give you a medium catch, and he can give you a long catch too. So there are a lot of catches he can make, and he made one there. A good medium catch."

The instant replay is normally where a color man shines, but for Madden it's where the inanity shines through. Most of his replay commentary falls into two categories. First is the hey-didja-see-that? style that would've been perfect for the golden age of radio, but which doesn't really add much to the televised game. Yes, John, I saw that one guy hit that other guy real good and then the one guy fell down. Thanks for the insight. Second is the telestrator replay, where Madden gets to play with his crayons all over the pretty screen. There is nothing too inconsequential or too obvious that Madden can't break out the telestrator and dumb it down more. I once saw him circle the different kinds of cleats on a running back's shoes. Gripping, John. Gripping.

Alright, halftime's over. Back to the game and the ageless wisdom of the man who created the turducken. Thank God I have Lionel Hutz's wisdom to guide me. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Turd Blossom

And it's Jonathan Chait for the win.

Tea Bagging

This may be the single greatest moment in cable news history.

See if you can count how many sexual puns Schuster crams into this segment. I lost count at twenty or so.

History, Who Knows? We'll All Be Dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, the George W. Bush Presidential Librarium.

If You're Lucky, Ladies, He'll Show You His "O" Face

Audio clips from Bill O'Reilly's novel available over at the Village Voice blog.

I thought about picking one sample, but it's just impossible to choose one.

I mean, do I go with a short snappy clip like Bill saying "I wish I were a lesbian"? Or do I go with an extended, disturbingly graphic sex scene?

Seriously, I dare you to try and listen to just one clip.

They're like Pringles -- stale, white, and best consumed by the handful.

CNBCockblocked

If you missed last night's epic showdown between Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer, holy crap.

It was like watching Mike Tyson mercilessly kick the everloving shit out of a third-grade girl. (Not only did he humiliate Cramer, but he might have gotten Cramer a nice little SEC investigation of his own.) In thirty years, they're going to revisit this interview as a full-length movie, sort of a cross between "Frost/Nixon" and "When We Were Kings." Stew-art, boom-a-ye! Stew-art, boom-a-ye!

You can check out the full interview online, including bits that had to be edited out for time. Part 1 of 3 is available on the Comedy Central website here.

They had me at the carrots

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more

Dear Porn Producers

Enough with the spitting already.

Thanks, etc.

Mr. Jindal's Neighborhood

I still say that Bobby Jindal sounded exactly like Kenneth the Page from "30 Rock," but this take is simpler and even more devastating.



Update: And now, a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

F vs S

It isn't even close


the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

The Audacity of Nope

Stephen Colbert has been bringing his A-game lately. Last night's installment of "The Wørd" was priceless.

High Five Inauguration

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos

Inauguration Memories

Me and the wife, talking on Tuesday afternoon.

Me: "... Not a bad day so far. I had that Bush's Homestyle Chili for lunch. Pretty good for premade stuff."
Wife: "So you're celebrating the inauguration by shitting out some Bushes?"

She's a keeper, folks.

President Obama

For eight years, living in the United States has felt like riding in the backseat of a runaway cab driven at top speed by a drunken mental patient who cut out the seat belts to make a special hat that would keep the aliens from Zeltron-5 from stealing his precious bodily fluids.

And now all of a sudden, there's been a shift change and we have someone at the wheel who's smart, reflective, and competent. I know I can start to unclench my buttocks, but it's going to take a little while before I get used to the new guy.

Taibbi v. Friedman

For Matt Taibbi, the aching idiocy of Thomas Friedman is a sore tooth he just can't stop touching.

In Hot, Flat and Crowded, the money shot comes when Friedman starts doodling on a napkin over lunch with Moisés Naím, editor of Foreign Policy magazine. The pre-lunching Friedman starts drawing, and the wisdom just comes pouring out:

I laid out my napkin and drew a graph showing how there seemed to be a rough correlation between the price of oil, between 1975 and 2005, and the pace of freedom in oil-producing states during those same years.

Friedman then draws his napkin-graph, and much to the pundit’s surprise, it turns out that there is almost an exact correlation between high oil prices and “unfreedom”! The graph contains two lines, one showing a rising and then descending slope of “freedom,” and one showing a descending and then rising course of oil prices.

Friedman plots exactly four points on the graph over the course of those 30 years. In 1989, as oil prices are falling, Friedman writes, “Berlin Wall Torn Down.” In 1993, again as oil prices are low, he writes, “Nigeria Privatizes First Oil Field.” 1997, oil prices still low, “Iran Calls for Dialogue of Civilizations.” Then, finally, 2005, a year of high oil prices: “Iran calls for Israel’s destruction.”

I looked at this and thought: “Gosh, what a neat trick!” Then I sat down and drew up my own graph, called SIZE OF VALERIE BERTINELLI’S ASS, 1985-2008, vs. HAPPINESS. It turns out that there is an almost exact correlation!

Read the whole thing.

"Kent, I'd Be Lying If I Said My Men Weren't Committing Crimes"

Incredible piece in The Nation about racial vigilantes in New Orleans after Katrina. Go. Now.

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion by Zach Galifianakis

Tennessean is Tennebelievin'

This is twelve kinds of awesome.

Update: Now with a delicious video.

The Wire Rap-Up

This is pretty damn good. A five-minute rap song, by the aptly named Mad Skillz, that recaps the entire five-season run of "The Wire."

If -- for some ungodly reason -- you've never actually watched "The Wire," also known as The Greatest Fucking Television Show of All-Time, then be warned that this is chocked full of spoilers.

And seriously, if you've never watched "The Wire," you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What are you, Amish? No? You spend time watching TV and you haven't watched the crowning accomplishment of the medium? Turn off "Two and a Half Men," sack up, and enjoy the ride.

More Like the BS System! AMIRIGHT?

Pretty good piece at Slate on the atrocities of the BCS. Enjoy.

The Federal Fluffer Act of 2009

Look out, folks. According to this CNN report, the pervert's baaaaaaaack!

Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry. ...

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow. But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."

So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request.

I find it hard to believe that they can't find a sponsor for this. Surely, Sen. David Vitter can take time out from his Republican family values speeches and his prostitutes-and-Pampers funplay to help out an ailing industry that has given him so much.

Hush Your Mouth

Stolen from a Balloon Juice posting. You're welcome.

Par-tay.

This is absolutely brilliant.

Thundercats. Are. GO!

Alright, not really. But this is a helluva good spoof.

Flight of the Conchords

For some reason, they've released the first episode of the new season of "Flight of the Conchords" a month early. Enjoy.

Season 2 Online Premiere - Flight of the Conchords (US Only) - watch more funny videos

Impeach Fred Armisen

Dickipedia

I've only now discovered this. If you haven't seen it, I recommend starting with the entry for Rudy Guiliani.

"I Mean, Who Throws a Shoe? Honestly!"

Speechless. I'm speechless.

Weekend Inspiration

Economy got you down? Worried about the Fantasy Football Playoffs? Whatever is worrying you won't seem so bad after you get a load of this.

Pitying the Capitalist Fools

If you haven't read Joseph Stiglitz's piece on the economic meltdown in Vanity Fair, you should.

It's short, sweet and smart. Just like Herve Villéchaize!

Huckaboom

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Outstanding interview between Jon Stewart and Mike Huckabee. It's sad that the most informative interviews in the media today come from a satirical show on Comedy Central, but I'll take what I can get. Enjoy.

Eddie Izzard, Legos and the Death Star Canteen

Blue Devils

So I'm at a big Thanksgiving gathering which comprised a number of families. I'm talking to someone I haven't seen in a few years (his parents and my parents are best buddies). The usual small talk ensues and he mentions that he's currently living in Durham. I say "I've heard it's a nice place, but unfortunately it's filled with Dookies."

He goes on talking about Durham and about how he lives downtown and for some reason starts talking about the urban center and demographic shifts and things like that. My kid starts crying and I excuse myself.

Some things about our brief conversation continued to bother me. After my anti-Duke comment there was a slight hesitation, a glance over my shoulder -- all of this is very subtle and hard to quantify, but it just felt weird. I know he didn't go to Duke - I thought that perhaps one of his friends went there and that might be the reason for the strangeness that descended.

After some thinking, I suspect I know what happened. When I said "it's filled with Dookies," he heard me say, "it's filled with Darkies."

If anyone knows of an e-card along the lines of "You know that incredibly racist thing that you thought I said? Well, I didn't say it" Please pass it along.

Sunday School

And yes, I could spend a week on Hulu just watching the clips from this show. If you've never had the pleasure, here's an episode that's a personal favorite.

Full Metal Christmas

Two great tastes that taste great together.

To Alcohol! The Cause of, and Solution to, All of Life's Problems!

Holy Taco has a nice top ten list of beer slogans. Normally, I wind up disagreeing with the top choices in these lists -- and yes, I do have a lot of free time, thanks -- but I defy anyone to challenge their top two picks.

Prop 8: The Musical

An all-star, three-minute musical comedy parody on the California gay marriage referendum. You know, the usual.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Post Mortem

Great reflections on the McCain campaign from Rolling Stone's Matt Tiabbi.

A small taste:

In short, McCain entered this election season being the worst thing that anyone can be, in the eyes of the Rove-school Republicans: Different. Independent. His own man. He exited the campaign on his knees, all his dignity gone, having handed the White House to the hated liberals after spending the last months of the race with numb-nuts Sarah Palin on his arm and Karl Rove's cock in his mouth. Even if you wanted to vote for him, you didn't know who you were voting for. The old McCain? The new McCain? Neither? Both?

Nixon: Now Newer Than Ever!

If you haven't sampled the latest releases in the Nixon tapes, take a look.

Here's one of my favorites, showing how Republicans have historically rejected identity politics and been a friend of African Americans at the same time:

[...] Nixon: Well if you’ve got a candidate, what we need there… Godammit Chuck, we haven’t got an Italian yet. I can’t find any…

Colson: Did Bob mention the [foreign adviser John] Scali idea to you? …Could be at the U.N.

Nixon: Instead of the black?

Colson: Instead of the black. Who the hell cares about the blacks? Scali would love the U.N. That would give you an Italian in the cabinet. At least it’s a thought. And he’s a legitimate Italian. A good Italian…

Nixon: You know, basically, we don’t owe the blacks a damn thing anyway.

Colson: Oh hell, no. As a matter of fact, I think it’s a bad signal to put a black in the Cabinet… The people that voted for us– (Laughs)

Nixon: …And after all, this pampering of blacks isn’t a good idea. I think you’ve got a good point there…

Colson: If we appoint a black in the cabinet in the second term and we didn’t have one in the first term, people are going to say, “My God, they’re moving–

Nixon: That’s right.

Awesome. To quote Bill Hicks' comment about "COPS," it's like a sore tooth I can't stop touching!

Happy Turkey Day

Inside Biden

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

A little hit and miss, but the sentiment is dead on.

Support the Troops

Specifically, this one.

Thanks to all those who served and serve. Hopefully, President Obama will help make our thanks a little more than the current plan of annual lip service and yellow-ribbon stickers.

Republican Frankenstein

Obama won Virginia in large part because of the ever-increasing number of democratic voters in Northern Virginia. Mark Warner, Jim Webb, and Tim Kaine all can credit NoVa with providing the margins of victory in their senate and guber races (with massive assists from Macacca and the world's worst governor, Jim Gilmore).

In their pursuit of a smaller government, over the last 30 years the Reaganites have created this monstrous democratic voting bloc. As the have budgets shown, republicans never shrank government in any meaningful way, they just outsourced it to a gigantic network of contractors, call it the information-industrial complex or something. Where there once were farms and sleepy towns now are Grant-Thorton, Northrup-Grumman, SAIC, AMS, Raytheon, and tons more that you've never heard of. These contractors hire educated people, and overall they pay them decently.

There are a lot of downsides to this informational-industrial complex (incredible amounts of waste, weak oversight, annoying names), but as far as politics go, nothing spells death to the republicans like "educated middle class."

Thanks again, jackasses.

Get Your War On

The excellent Get Your War On videos always cause the site to crash, so you'll have to click here to witness the dawn of the New World Order.

Better and Better

If you were worried the Republicans might finally wake up after two straight ass-kickings, and realize the right-wing schtick isn't working anymore, rest easy.

The House Republicans have just selected their new leadership team. John Boehner (R-Oompa Loompa) will stay in charge of the dwindling Republican minority, but the second and third in commands will now be Eric Cantor and Mike Pence, two congressmen whose loyalty to the far right is only rivaled by their own stupidity.

There are so, so many bits of Cantor's public appearances I could use here to illustrate just how terrific this is for the Democrats, but I'll go with this one from February 2007, when Cantor insisted that Congress has no constitutional authority in declaring war.



In case you can't watch video at work, or just want to be spared the sound of his voice, here's a transcript:

MATTHEWS: This isn‘t an option question. This isn‘t multiple choice.

Right now, February 8, 2007, do you believe we should go to war with Iran?

CANTOR: I‘ll leave that decision up to the commanders on the ground and those in our military ...

MATTHEWS: Commanders on the ground whether we go to war with another country?

CANTOR: I will leave the decisions in the military arena to—this is exactly the point.

MATTHEWS: This is Barry Goldwater taking. He used to say that.

Regional commanders can decide whether we want it use nuclear weapons. You‘re obviously saying soldiers should decide which country to go to war with.

CANTOR: I‘m here to say the military experts are those which might come up with the recommendation to the commander in chief that makes the decision. It is silly for us to expect .

MATTHEWS: I‘m not talking — I just asked you a very simple question .

CANTOR: We‘re going 535 commanders in chief .

MATTHEWS: I‘ve never heard of anything like this in my life. Never in my life.

ISRAEL: Congress has a constitutional responsibility to decide whether we‘re going to war or not. That‘s what we‘re elected to do. Those are the debates we should have.

CANTOR: Every president since...

MATTHEWS: The idea of declaring war as a soldier is unimaginable. ...

Let me ask you Congressman Cantor, very clearly, to clear up our discussion, if the U.S. Congress were to discuss tomorrow morning whether to declare war on Iran, would you vote yay?

CANTOR: This congress is not going to do that because it‘s the commander in chief‘s role, Chris, and Steve knows that as well. It‘s not Congress that will ask for that. It is the commander in chief that will make that decision. Every president whether republican or Republican or Democrat since the War Powers Act was in place has interpreted it as being the commander in chief‘s role to do that.

MATTHEWS: Would you support the president if he declared war in Iran tomorrow morning? As things are right now.

CANTOR: I will support what is in the best interest of securing this homeland and providing our troops with what they need and if there is a threat on the ground in Iraq and in the region that our troops need us, I will support them and that‘s exactly the point on this Iraqi resolution because the Democrats want to have their cake and eat it, too. This is a nonbinding resolution. It‘s a sense of Congress. It doesn‘t mean anything. In fact it pollutes the message and sends the wrong message to our troops.

MATTHEWS: Congressman Israel, what‘s the role of Congress in war and peace?

ISRAEL: Congress under the Constitution of the United States authorizes war. The War Powers Act requires Congress to vote on whether we should insert troops into hostile situations. The law is clear.

CANTOR: Absolutely not.

ISRAEL: Come on, Eric.

CANTOR: As a commander in chief the constitution gives .

MATTHEWS: Congressman Cantor, why did the president ask for approval of Congress before he went to Iraq?

CANTOR: I certainly think his counsel gave him guidance why he need to do that but the Constitution gives the commander in chief the right to send our troops into battle.

MATTHEWS: Maybe when it comes to war we don‘t need a Congress according to that.

This assclown doesn't even understand the fundamental powers of Congress, and he's now the second most powerful Republican there. Awesome.

Breaking the Eleventh Commandment

There are many things to be excited about with the election of Barack Obama, but the emergence of Republican-on-Republican violence is certainly at the top of my list.

In this clip, Fox News's Carl Cameron reveals a lot of new exciting information about Sarah Palin. What's worse? The daily tantrums? Or the fact that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent? No, wait -- she couldn't name the countries in North America? So many to choose from. Enjoy.

Nice speech, but

that has to be the worst post-speech music ever.

Onion's on it

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

Schadenfreude

Watching the election returns, I decided to flip over to Fox News.

"Suicidal" is too happy a word to describe their coverage. Brit Hume and Karl Rove are just now discussing Ohio going for Obama with all the excitement of the Brezhnev funeral.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

MSNBC just called the North Carolina Senate race for Kay Hagan.

Liddy Dole can take her fucking "godless" attack ads and shove them where the sun don't shine.

Quick, before it's not funny anymore

McCain tongue photoshop contest

I Like Jokes

Yesterday a neighbor called my wife to inform her that someone was playing "a horrible joke on your husband."

"What is it?" said my wife.

"Someone put an Obama sticker on his car," the neighbor responded with concern.

"Yes, we're democrats."

"Oh..."

UPDATE - I just voted and it was actually emotional. I kept thinking about how far this campaign has come. What it means about America. And fuck Bush.

This Fucking Election

On the day before the inevitable clusterfuck at the polls, let's take a moment to review the wonder of this fucking election.

Apropos of nothing

Bearing False Witness

Kay Hagan, the Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate from North Carolina, has recently pulled ahead of Senator Liddy Dole in the polls. Liddy, class act that she is, put up an ad accusing Hagan of being a godless heathen. No, seriously.

Well, Hagan's come back with an ad of her own and it's biblical in its wrath. Enjoy.

A Nod is as Good as a Wink to a Blind Man

The McCain campaign must be running out of people willing to be its spokesmen on the cable shows if this moron is making the rounds.

There's a moment there where I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Once Smitten

The New Yorker has an amazing piece up on the story of how the Weekly Standard and National Review geniuses fell in love with Sarah Palin.

The whole thing is worth a read, even if it essentially boils down to "Hey, I think this stripper really likes me!"

Down to the Wire

Stars from the Greatest Television Show of All Time have been stumping for Obama in North Carolina, which has surprisingly turned into an important swing state. Sean Quinn of the excellent FiveThirtyEight.com has a nice rundown of the rally.

The Real Cindy

Cindy McCain Claims Sheâ??s â??Just Like Any Other Female Humanâ??

Fairly Imbalanced

In reaction to news that white supremacists in Tennessee were seeking to assassinate Barack Obama and a hundred African American children as well, the Tennessee Republican Party rushed out a statement in which they boldly announced their opposition to such activities. Good to know they have limits.

As Ben Smith at Politico noted, the statement contained a pretty bizarre bit of false equivalency:

"Hate is not a political party, policy statement, agenda or ideology - it is a pure evil that no place in civil society," said Robin Smith, Chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party. "Whether it is neo-Nazi skinheads plotting a racist shooting spree targeting Sen. Obama, or West Hollywood liberals hanging Gov. Sarah Palin in effigy and calling it 'art,' or unknown anarchists tossing bricks through the windows of a county Republican headquarters in Murfreesboro, Americans of all political views should be outraged."

So Hollywood liberals with some bitchy art are the same thing as heavily-armed, bloodthirsty skinheads. OK, then.

You might remember the Tennessee Republican Party from some of their past work, such as attacking "Barack Hussein Obama" in a press release titled "Anti-Semites for Obama," which included a photo of him in Somali tribal garb; badly distorting his "bitter quote" in a mongoloid press release whose insanity simply cannot be summed up; and clumsily questioning Michelle Obama's patriotism in a low-budget video release on the intertubes.

Given how much vile hatred they've been dumping on Obama, perhaps they've realized that they've contributed to an atmosphere that would encourage white supremacists to resort to violence, and now felt a pang of remorse.

Or perhaps they're just a bunch of mildly retarded manchildren who really do think that mean puppets are the same thing as mass murder.

Ground Game

A nice look at the McCain campaign on the ground in Florida. Yeah, there's no way the election there is going to turn ugly.

We'll try to try

If there was any doubt that this blog is run by slackers, we somehow missed the most important day of the year go by uncelebrated. October 21 is the International Day of the Nacho.

Old Man Yells At Cloud

Bundy for Obama

Tough Day For Monty Python's Palin

Stay Classy, McCain

Here's a taste of how nasty the ground game is getting -- a Republican flyer being sent out in Nevada, forwarded from a friend there.

The Stock Market Hates Republicans

Whenever I mention to my conservative friends that Clinton did great with the economy, they tell me that the president has almost no influence on the economy. Except for Reagan, that is.

Maybe this graphic will be more persuasive.

Caption Contest

This photo from last night's debate is begging for a caption contest.

And please, people -- don't go for the obvious "I've fallen and I can't get up" joke. You're better than that.

Except for I-Rod. He's not better than that.

Update: I didn't think it was possible, but McCain looks even creepier from a different angle.

Bring Ohio Back

These may be the funniest, most effective political ads I've seen in a long time.

Class From The GOP Leadership - Not So Much From The Masses

(CNN) One man at the rally said he was "scared of an Obama presidency." McCain later told the man he should not fear Obama.

"I want to be president of the United States, and I don't want Obama to be," he said. "But I have to tell you, I have to tell you, he is a decent person, and a person that you do not have to be scared [of] as president of the United States."

McCain's response was met with boos from the crowd.

Caption Contest

A picture is worth a thousand words. Let's hear 'em...

Keating Five for Fighting

The Obama campaign has been reluctant to bring up McCain's role in the Keating Five scandal -- until now. They have a terrific short film up at this site which explains the complex scandal in simple terms that the media might even be able to understand.

O Bama

In what may be the best ad of the entire campaign, legendary bluegrass musician Ralph Stanley has a radio ad on the air in southwestern Virginia endorsing Barack Obama. It's a terrific ad, and smartly targeted to Obama's weakest spot in a crucial swing state.

TPM has the audio. Give it a listen.

How'd He Do?