Friday Random Ten

Hey, you know the the old saying: It's Laverne Tripp's world and we're just livin' in it. This is an impressive album cover, especially when you consider the lengths they had to go to in order to create this stunning image. Where on earth could they find an overhead projector? Would the local junior high let them in? How would they explain the fact that "Laverne" looks like a middle-aged man? Well, the power of Laverne Tripp opens plenty of doors, my friend. Plenty.

Alright, time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, your iPod Mini, your iPod Nano, your iPod Fetus, or whatever you have; set it to random; and give us the first ten songs that are brave enough to show their faces. And in case you feel compelled by the power of Christ, go ahead and give unto us a Coolness Self-Audit.

Here's mine for this week:

1. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" -- With a title like that, you'd think the song wouldn't sound like a combination of the peppiest moments of Stephen Merritt's music and David Byrne's vocals, but there it is. This song is infectious as hell. 9/10

2. Louis Jordan, "What's the Use of Getting Sober (When You're Gonna Get Drunk Again)" -- I first heard this song back in high school, as the Joe Jackson cover (I know, I know) and then only heard the original master version a couple years later. Nice to see that some bits of wisdom have been handed down from generation to generation unscathed. Much like the central narrative in the Road Warrior movies. 7/10

3. Stevie Wonder, "For Once in My Life" -- I'm a pretty big fan of Stevie Wonder's pre-neutering years, but this song is made all the cooler by the fact that it played a role in the Redemption of Ari Gold on HBO's "Entourage." Hug it out, bitch! 8/10

4. Boards of Canada, "Roygbiv" -- Not only does this song have a nice, funky groove, but its title serves as a mnemonic for the colors of the rainbow. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Lucky Charms. 6/10

5. The Rolling Stones, "Stray Cat Blues" -- There's a very thin slice of the Rolling Stones' eighty-seven-year history that I really like, and the Beggars Banquet LP is smack in the middle of that. This is a good, grungy blues-rock. Not as well known as "Sympathy for the Devil" -- the greatest Stones song ever -- but strong enough to hang with it on the same album. 7/10

6. Johnny Cash, "The Man in Black" -- "I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down, Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town, I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime, But is there because he's a victim of the times." Johnny Cash, proof that the phrase "bad-ass liberal" didn't always seem to be an oxymoron. 6/10

7. Jurassic 5, "Twelve" -- I was in Austin for a wedding this spring the same night J5 was playing at Stubb's, and managed to miss seeing the one and only Charlie Tuna in the hotel lobby by about three minutes. I will regret that 'til the day I die. 8/10

8. Mos Def, "Dollar Day for New Orleans ... Katrina Klap" -- While I think this isn't quite as good as the Legendary K.O. song, you have to be struck by the fact that the music industry was able to respond to the disaster faster than the government. 6/10

9. Bloc Party, "Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)" -- My favorite Bloc Party tune skewed just a little bit. I think I prefer the original, but this is a nice variation on the theme. By the way, if you're a Bloc Party fan -- and if you're not, you're a Communist -- you should check out this little treat from NPR: a full hour of Bloc Party live in concert and free to download. 8/10

10. Mountain, "Mississippi Queen" -- What can I say? I've got a soft spot for '70s power rock. Especially the one-hit wonders that sound like they should've been in Dazed and Confused. I mean, I keep gettin' older and these songs stay the same age. 5/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.2, and yet another C-minus on the Cool-o-Meter. With grades like that, maybe I too can one day become leader of the free world.

Do you think you're better than me? Because I will fight you. No, no, wait, that's the liquor talking.

What I meant to say is -- kindly drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Punk.

Satire is Dead, Part 456

The Onion, February 18, 2004:

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Reality, September 14, 2005:

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

WWJD? Ostracize!!!

Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the United States for "evidence of homosexuality" and for faculty members who dissentfrom church teaching, according to a document prepared to guide the process. (NY Times 9/15)

Like the Catholic Church hasn't enough trouble recruiting Americans for its own churches - now, you can't have "strong homosexual inclinations" or suffer potential banishment for the seminary. I can only hope Pope Benedict XVI is assigning some cardinals to come up with a list of things to be aware and consider. That should be as interesting as the Reagan administration determining what is pornography.

My prediction -- half the room would be all too accurate with a list, commenting "Or so I have heard in a confessional." The other half would have trouble identifying Liberace, banning only men with mustaches in black leather chaps with no pants.

Sadly, this is another example of the demonization of homosexuals. They are not "recruiting," and they are no more interested in little boys than are "breeder" males interested in little girls.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

You knew it was only a matter of time -- Jesus Christ gets the Swift Boat treatment.

Grandma Fired for Not Abandoning Grandchild

In the spirit of shamelessly stealing from other, better blogs, I present you with an Atrios-style "Bobo's world" segment. Seems a factory in Missouri couldn't hold a grandmother's $7-an-hour assemblyline job for her while she cared for her grandchild.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - When forced to decide between caring for her 18-month-old granddaughter whose parents were stranded in New Orleans or leaving the girl with strangers so she could show up for her assembly line job, Barbara Roberts chose to be a grandma. And for that, she was fired.

Now them's family values!

The sad thing is, of course, that parents and other family members often have to decide between caring for babies or sick relatives and going to work. If this grandma had stayed with her grandchild because of any reason besides the hurricane (say, for example, if the parents had been mauled by a bear like this father and daughter), you better believe it wouldn't have been newsworthy. In fact, some might go so far as to assume the grandmother's plight was her own damned fault. Good thing compassionate conservatism is changing all that, right?

Unless This is Steve Allen, You're Stealing My Bit!

I've resisted doing more caption contests, since there are plenty of people who've been doing them longer and better than I could ever hope to do. (For instance, Norbizness has a nice weekly contest, and Dependable Renegade is all captions, all the time.)

But due to popular demand after Monday's installment, we're going to make this a semi-regular feature here at LLatPoN. And this photo below -- shamelessly stolen from Dependable Renegade -- is just begging for the treatment. Have at it.

Bill Maher

Transcript stolen from Altercation:

Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'

Fiscal Conservatism, R.I.P.

Tom DeLay is a gift that just keeps on giving. The financial scandals, the ethical abyss, and the stupid, stupid comments:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said yesterday that Republicans have done so well in cutting spending that he declared an "ongoing victory," and said there is simply no fat left to cut in the federal budget.

Mr. DeLay was defending Republicans' choice to borrow money and add to this year's expected $331 billion deficit to pay for Hurricane Katrina relief. Some Republicans have said Congress should make cuts in other areas, but Mr. DeLay said that doesn't seem possible.

"My answer to those that want to offset the spending is sure, bring me the offsets, I'll be glad to do it. But nobody has been able to come up with any yet," the Texas Republican told reporters at his weekly briefing.

Asked if that meant the government was running at peak efficiency, Mr. DeLay said, "Yes, after 11 years of Republican majority we've pared it down pretty good."

Yeah, things are running really well. Current federal budget deficit? $451 million. Current national debt? $7.9 trillion. Too bad there's no glaring pork projects out there where the money could be cut. That'll do, pigs. That'll do.

Like they say over at Kung Fu Monkey, I miss Republicans. But this is good news for the Democrats. Between the Republican bungling of Iraq and Katrina and the new decision to abandon the ideas of fiscal conservatism, that leaves a lot of room for the Democrats to run on a single-worded theme: competence. Democrats are competent to run the government and handle the money. Democrats, it seems, are the new old-school Republicans.

George Bush Does Care About Black People

...as made clear in this week's presidential radio address.

Hey, Man, Is That Freedom Walk?

Although no one seemed to notice, the government's first-annual Do As We Say Festival Freedom Walk took place this Sunday.

As expected, it was just as loose and free-spirited as the state funeral for Leonid Brezhnev, and about as spontaneous as the Nixon Library. Michael Cortese (presumably no relation to Dan) went undercover and took part in the Freedom Walk, and lived to tell the tale:

The walk wasn't underway for no more than a handful of minutes, as the group I was walking with skirted the highway side of the Pentagon, when self appointed defenders of freedom picked out one middle-aged, blonde-haired woman who was wearing a nonoffensive, yet distinctly anti-war T-shirt. You can pretty much just make up the dialogue in your head: People telling her that her presence was "inappropriate", that she was in the wrong place and that folks don't like that sort of thing in a "red state" like Virginia (which, incidentally is strongly pro-choice statewide and was just as strongly for Kerry in Arlington during the last election). I reminded one particularly snotty young woman with her kids in tow that the event was supposedly commemorating the September 11 attacks, but the woman, drunk on kool-aid, couldn't differentiate between that 9/11 and the necessity for sending troops into Iraq.

The woman in the anti-war t-shirt said "Sorry, I'm from Massachusetts", which was followed by some pinheaded wingnutty guy who sneered, "Yeah, we're sorry you're from Massachusetts too" and then added "That's where Barney Frank is from", letting the name of an openly gay Congressman hang in the air like an accusation.

"Welcome to the Red States", he said.

I'm still kicking myself for not getting it on video. But my discreet attempt at pressing the shutter button on my camera didn't start the video recording.

Turns out the woman, named Mimi, was a friend of Cindy Sheehan, had a son in Fallujah, and friends who died on 9/11. She had much more right to be there than the people whose contribution to defending our freedoms consists of putting on a T-shirt and fake dog tags and walking to a concert.

A country music concert, T-shirt and fake dog tags. The victims of 9/11 and their families thank you.

There's more. Read the whole thing here.

Caption Contest

There's so much I'm tempted to say about this photo that I just can't decide. So I'm opening the floor for your suggestions for photo captions. The commentary, fittingly, should go in the comments.

The Boy in the Bubble

John Travolta may have played Bill Clinton on the big screen, but it's clear that the president he most resembles is none other than George W. Bush. Think about it. They've both made an almost obsessive-compulsive relationship with religion the center of their lives, they've both married women who appear to be Stepford Wives, and they both love to dress up in military outfits and pretend they're fighting men.

Recent revelations in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina only add further weight to the Bush-as-Barbarino theme, especially in the ways that George W. Bush is starting to resemble the classic title character from the movie, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Much like the ill-fated Tod Lubitch, who suffered from a weak immune system and could be killed by the smallest germs, Bush is apparently unable to withstand even the slightest bit of bad news or, heaven forfend, criticism. Also, they both have last names that make teenagers snicker.

We've all known for years now that Bush was suffering from his own bubble-boy lifestyle, but this great round-up piece by Dan Froomkin shows that stories of Bush's inability to handle criticism or dissent and his childish responses to them are even bigger than we thought.

Mike Allen writes in Time: "Longtime Bush watchers say they are not shocked that he missed his moment -- one of his most trusted confidants calls him 'a better third- and fourth-quarter player,' who focuses and delivers when he sees the stakes. What surprised them was that he still appeared to be stutter-stepping in the second week of the crisis, struggling to make up for past lapses instead of taking control with a grand gesture. Just as Katrina exposed the lurking problems of race and poverty, it also revealed the limitations of Bush's rigid, top-down approach to the presidency. . . .

"Bush's bubble has grown more hermetic in the second term, they say, with fewer people willing or able to bring him bad news -- or tell him when he's wrong. Bush has never been adroit about this. A youngish aide who is a Bush favorite described the perils of correcting the boss. 'The first time I told him he was wrong, he started yelling at me,' the aide recalled about a session during the first term. 'Then I showed him where he was wrong, and he said, "All right. I understand. Good job." He patted me on the shoulder. I went and had dry heaves in the bathroom.' . . ."

Screaming at a young aide. Classy. Be sure to read the whole thing.

It seems that Bush is intent on turning his presidency into a grand tribute to the original bubble boy, crafting his own bubble out of an intricate web of yes men, political cronies, and a stubborn refusal to see or hear anything that differs from the delicate world view they've created.

And Lord knows, Bush is clearly suffering while he's stuck in that bubble. Sadly, so are the rest of us.

Dodging the Bullet

For days now, the Bush administration's excuse for its sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina has been that initial reports said New Orleans had "dodged a bullet." That phrase has come up again and again, as administration officials claim they saw newspaper headlines that said -- either explicitly or implicitly -- that we'd "dodged a bullet."

For instance, here's President Bush this morning:

What I was referring to is this: When that storm came by, a lot of people said we dodged a bullet. When that storm came through at first, people said, Whew. There was a sense of relaxation. And that’s what I was referring to.

And I myself thought we had dodged a bullet. You know why? Because I was listening to people probably over the airwaves say, The bullet has been dodged. And that was what I was referring to.

Of course, there were plans in case the levee had been breached. There was a sense of relaxation at a critical moment.

I can't find a longer transcript, but it actually got painful watching him repeat this line over and over. I've taken some Advil and even bought a leather belt to bite down on when the pain gets too much, because if we know anything about this administration, it's that they like to stay on message. They'll beat this horse to death, and then have Mike Brown's friends at the International Arabian Horse Association see how they did.

But the odd thing here is something that generally happens when the President dismissively rails against something "a lot of people" have said or done. In most cases, "a lot of people" only exist in his head, as a convenient group of straw men with whom the president to do battle. Sort of a Debate Society version of the Washington Generals. It doesn't matter that "a lot of people" never said this or that, the president will bravely shoot down their non-existent arguments all the same. He's a leader, people!

This time, "a lot of people" said that we'd "dodged a bullet" with the hurricane. Really? Go over to AmericaBlog and see all the actual headlines from the storm's first strike. (I'd reproduce them here, but Blogger apparently hates the news.) But go and take a look at them and see if you can find anything that even remotely resembles the "dodged a bullet" theme the Bush administration insists was out there. No? Nothing?

It's almost like they're, you know, lying.

Enter the Situation Room™

DNC Chairman Howard Dean bravely entered The Situation Room™ to do battle with Mechawolfblitzer. Dean nicely stiff-armed Blitzer's attempts to make this all about whether or not George Bush really doesn't care about black people (see below) and pointed out repeatedly that, more importantly, George Bush doesn't seem to care about the bottom 80% of American society, whether they be white, black or brown. Catch the video here.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The NFL season is finally here! Our long national nightmare of baseball and golf is over, and we finally get to watch some real sports. I am a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. I know, you hate me. It's okay, really.

As such, I have three things to say. First of all, thank you to the blog powers that be for changing our screen colors to blue on silver, the colors of the Dallas Cowboys.

Second, I'd like to take note of the fact that Drew Bledsoe, quarterback of America's Team-- oops, sorry, I know you hate it when we say that -- has pledged to donate $2,500 to the Salvation Army everytime he throws a touchdown pass. So when Keyshawn hogs the ball this year, please remember that he's hogging it for the kids.

Third, not only do the Cowboys keep it real, they keep it real in style. How do I know that? Because a survey of 1,149 people told me they have the best . . . uniforms . . . ever!

Update: Like a genius Cowboy fan, I forgot to put in them links.

George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People

The Legendary K.O. has taken Kanye West's sound bite and his new song, "Gold Digger," and put together a great tune. Download available here.

(Via BoingBoing!)

Bring Back Carter!

So there's a new Zogby poll out with some bad news for the current commander-in-chief. The well-publicized news is that Bush's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 41%.

But there's another indication that Bush is a pretty unpopular president. In a hypothetical election between Bush and the four presidents preceding him, Bush loses to every single one. People would rather have Jimmy Carter as their president 50-42.

Nobody was asked about Gore, though Bush still beats Kerry, 48-47.

Friday Random Ten

For those of you who thought that South Park broke new ground in the entertainment industry with its heartbreaking chronicle of gay dog Sparky, and his adventures on Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride, this album is proof that gay dogs have had a presence in the industry for decades. In fact, it's a well-known fact that all the great dog stars of Hollywood were, in fact, homosexuals. Benji? Gay. Rin Tin Tin? Flaaaaaming. Lassie? Canadian. (Sometimes it's hard to tell.)

Alright, it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, set it on iRandom, and give us the first ten iTunes that pop out. And if you think you're man enough -- or woman enough, or child enough -- to handle the Coolness Self-Audit, go ahead and do that on the standardized zero-to-ten scale. A zero is downright Lawrence Welkian, while a ten should be so cool it frightens small children. (No going to eleven, Nigel Tufnel.)

Here's mine:

1. Tom Scott, "Gotcha" -- Believe it or not, you all know this tune. It was the pimped-out theme song to the original "Starsky and Hutch." Listening to it makes me believe that I, too, drive a cherry-red, souped-up 1974 Ford Torino and that I, too, get to hang with supercool Detective Ken Hutchinson and superfly informant Huggy Bear. And that, for a brief moment, makes me supercool too. 10/10

2. Beck, "Farewell Ride" -- Off his latest and maybe his best album, Guero. I saw him play a tiny little club in Manhattan right before it came out, and I do believe he blew the doors off that motherfucker. Phenomenal show. 7/10

3. De La Soul, "Peas Porridge Hot" -- One of my favorite hiphop groups, but this is a mediocre tune off a mediocre album. 6/10

4. The Bee Gees, "Night Fever" -- Yeah. Not cool. Next. 3/10

5. Allen Toussaint, "Get Out of My Life Woman" -- Nice to see a New Orleans legend make the FRT this week. (Norbizness had a nice tribute last Friday to other New Orleans legends, by the way.) It's a great song on its own, but the fact that Slick Rick, Biz Markie and the Beastie Boys all sampled it, well, that takes its coolness factor, cuts it in half, and then doubles it! 10/10

6. Zero 7, "Red Dust" -- Not one of the best songs off Simple Things, but decent enough ambient. So good that the song usually plays a minute or so before I realize it's on. And as we all know, lurking in the background is cool. Or a sign of stalking. I forget which. 6/10

7. The Replacements, "Treatment Bound" -- Not the most rockin' tune of the Mats' repertoire, but if a band ever had an appropriate theme song, this is it. 6/10

8. Stevie Wonder, "Living for the City" -- Seven minutes of synthesized soul. This was Stevie Wonder near the peak of his funkiness, before the sad years when he was blackmailed into recording songs like "My Cherie Amour." Seriously. How else do you explain it? 8/10

9. Chiapet, "Don't You Want Me, Baby" -- From Freedom of Choice, a compilation that fought for reproductive rights in the traditional way -- by recruiting indie rock bands and having them record '80s hits. The novelty of covering a Human League hit was pretty big back in the salad days of the early 1990s, but upon further review, this one doesn't have much staying power. 5/10

10. Blackalicious, "Blazing Arrow" -- Phenomenal hiphop that moves at a blistering speed. The opening lines are "Amazin phase your days your hazy ways my Blazing Arrow / The rays that range from Asia way to Rio De Janeiro" and it only picks up speed from there. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a barely passing grade of 7.0. Whew. I'd hate to be held back in Cool School. Or maybe that makes you cooler? So hard to tell.

Before I go, here's a little Friday musical treat. TV on the Radio have recorded a tribute to President Bush, called "Dry Drunk Emperor." If you love great music and great Bush-bashing, this song's for you. Both the mp3 and lyrics are available here.

Drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit. Think you've got the stones? Bring it on!

Chokin' on My Own Rage Here

If you can stand another round of outrage, Crooks and Liars has an outstanding clip from Keith Olbermann.

Think of the Children!

There's a FEMA rap for kids. Seriously.

Disaster . . . it can happen anywhere,
But we've got a few tips, so you can be prepared
For floods, tornadoes, or even a 'quake,
You've got to be ready - so your heart don't break.

Disaster prep is your responsibility
And mitigation is important to our agency.

People helping people is what we do
And FEMA is there to help see you through
When disaster strikes, we are at our best
But we're ready all the time, 'cause disasters don't rest.

via Ezra