Hooray for Everything!

Time Magazine has just unveiled its choice for Person of the Year and, guess what? You won!

The "Great Man" theory of history is usually attributed to the Scottish philosopher Thomas Carlyle, who wrote that "the history of the world is but the biography of great men." He believed that it is the few, the powerful and the famous who shape our collective destiny as a species. That theory took a serious beating this year.

To be sure, there are individuals we could blame for the many painful and disturbing things that happened in 2006. The conflict in Iraq only got bloodier and more entrenched. A vicious skirmish erupted between Israel and Lebanon. A war dragged on in Sudan. A tin-pot dictator in North Korea got the Bomb, and the President of Iran wants to go nuclear too. Meanwhile nobody fixed global warming, and Sony didn't make enough PlayStation3s.

But look at 2006 through a different lens and you'll see another story, one that isn't about conflict or great men. It's a story about community and collaboration on a scale never seen before. It's about the cosmic compendium of knowledge Wikipedia and the million-channel people's network YouTube and the online metropolis MySpace. It's about the many wresting power from the few and helping one another for nothing and how that will not only change the world, but also change the way the world changes.

That's right, in a time of turmoil and chaos, in an era of major political changes at home and abroad, in a moment of seismic shifts in geopolitical power, the Person of the Year is a 28-year-old virgin watching YouTube clips of the AfterSchool Special where Helen Hunt does angel dust and jumps out her window, as he passionately edits the Wiki entry on "The Thundercats." A thirteen-year-old girl whose greatest accomplishment is the number of N'Sync references on her My Space page, truly belongs listed alongside the pantheon of world-changing figures like Gandhi, FDR, Hitler, Stalin, MLK, and Pope John Paul II.

You know, Time, if you're going to sneer at the Great Man approach to history -- and I'm right there with you -- then maybe you should simply scrap the whole idea of a Person of the Year, seeing how it seems to privilege the ideas that an individual Man or Woman does Great things. You'd be better off kicking this idea to the curb, instead of reducing it to Everyone Gets a Ribbon Day.

Update: While Time has been busy cheering at the Special Olympics, it seems that Salon not only understands the basic concept of the Person of the Year, but has also made an interesting, thoughtful choice.

Don't Fence Me In

The following story does not -- I repeat, does not -- come from the Onion. Sadly, this is real news.

A fence-building company in Southern California agrees to pay nearly $5 million in fines for hiring illegal immigrants. Two executives from the company may also serve jail time. The Golden State Fence Company's work includes some of the border fence between San Diego and Mexico.

After an immigration check in 1999 found undocumented workers on its payroll, Golden State promised to clean house. But when followup checks were made in 2004 and 2005, some of those same illegal workers were still on the job. In fact, U.S. Attorney Carol Lam says as many as a third of the company's 750 workers may have been in the country illegally.

OK, then. I think my sense of irony just melted.

(Thanks to Shakespeare's Sister for the link.)

"Girls Should Stick to Girls Sports, Such as Hot Oil Wrestling and Foxy Boxing and Such."

Yet another reason I really, really love New York.

Friday Random Ten

At long last, I'm proud to present the many, many, many facets of Roger. Those moods, clockwise from the upper left, are apparently sleazy, skeezy, cheesy, saucy, spacy, and hey, who farted? Look upon them, ye who enter here, and marvel! Bask in the might of their awesome power and their infinite variety!

Alright, time for the Friday Random Ten:

1. Midlake, "Young Bride" -- Holy shit, what a great start. I just discovered this band, and I do believe I'm smitten. Midlake sounds like an odd blend of the airy vocals of Electric Light Orchestra, the offbeat oldschool instrumentation of Arcade Fire and Camper Van Beethoven, the bass and drum beats of the Strokes, and a mystery ingredient that I do believe is Krusty Brand Children's Cough Syrup. Whatever it is, it works. Seriously, stop reading this right now and go listen to this on iTunes. And then listen to their song "Roscoe" too. Wash, rinse, repeat. 10/10

2. Peter Gabriel, "Digging in the Dirt" -- Alright, I've been outed as a closet Gabriel fan. This is a nice funky number from Us, which I think is going to be used as the theme song for the new Courteney Cox show on F/X. Nice choice, folks. 8/10

3. Sam Cooke, "Little Girl" -- He may have been the Man Who Invented Soul, but this is a pretty lame standard number. Eh. 4/10

4. Amy Winehouse, "Rehab" -- Winehouse is apparently the shite right now over in the U.K., a white Brit R&B star who sounds a little like Mary J. Blige and has all the sauciness you'd expect. Plus, it's a song about resisting an intervention. Awesome. 7/10

5. Encore, "It's Time" -- This little hiphop number is catchy as hell. I don't know much about Encore, but if this is a representative sample, I may need to see if they have a promotional pamphlet or the like. 9/10

6. John Lee Hooker, "Back Biters and Syndicators" -- This bluemaster's blood is 100% Type Cool Positive. 10/10

7. The Beatles, "Penny Lane" -- While I like Magical Mystery Tour, this is a song I remember our dirty filthy hippie music instructor used to have us sing in grade school. Plus, it's a Paul song. It is, therefore, irretrievably uncool. 1/10

8. Beck, "The New Pollution" -- Ah, yes, that'll cleanse the palette nicely. Beck may have been seduced by the Dark Side of Scientology, but he's still putting out incredible music. This is from Odelay, which is now my second-favorite CD of his, right behind the life-affirming, thetan-crushing genius of Guero. 7/10

9. Carly Simon, "Why?" -- In my defense, this comes from a CD of music sampled for hiphop tunes. And yet, even I still think I deserve your scorn. 1/10

10. Django Reinhardt, "Blues Clair" -- Good Lord, could that Belgian gypsy play. Reinhardt's skills let him do a wide variety of things with a guitar -- from blistering fretwork to plunking rarely-heard chords, to even making and deep-frying fresh julianned potatoes! Amazing. 10/10

Man, I was all over the place today. I've seen the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, and the creamy middles. And once again, I wind up two-thirds cool with a 6.7 average.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments, or whatever other musical snark you'd like to spread.

Jurassic Prick

Courtesy of TPM, I see that Michael Crichton continues to move deeper and deeper into nutsville.

First, there was his effort to join forces with the Bush White House in insisting that the whole global warming scare is a hoax perpetrated by Wavy Gravy and the Sunshine Freakout Squad and their unwashed hippie allies in the godless, liberal scientific community.

Taken to task for that lunacy, Crichton has decided to strike back at one of his critics with all the nuance and subtlety of a three-year-old. I couldn't decide what to exceprt, so you should just go read the whole thing. His petulent tantrum makes the president look well-adjusted.

"I'm Certainly Proud of the Ass Painting"

Once again, the Man is trying to stifle free expression.

To hear the students tell it, Stephen Murmer is a fun, popular art teacher who is always quick to crack a joke. But there is another side to Murmer. A side that has agitated school officials and resulted in his suspension. A side that focuses, almost entirely, on the crack in his backside.

Outside of class and under an alter ego, the self-proclaimed "butt-printing artist" creates floral and abstract art by plastering his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas. His cheeky creations sell for hundreds of dollars.

This has not gone over well with Chesterfield County school officials, who placed Murmer on administrative leave from his job at Monacan High School.

Owning a piece of Murmer's art doesn't come cheap. On his Web site, his creations run upward of $900. His most popular piece, "Tulip Butts," goes for $600.

Sometimes, I just don't know if Virginia is really the right place to raise my kid.

[Hat tip to Mrs. Thrillhous]

Cram It With Walnuts, Ugly

I know I'm a little late on this, but like Smitty and Mike say, what the hell is all this Pinochet love about? I expected it from The Washington Times and Fox, but The Washington Post? Freakin' NPR? Using their reasoning their lame standards of maintaining order and managing the economy, you could probably make an argument for that guy we pulled out of a hole in the ground.

Stabbed in the Back

You just can't make this up. Tom DeLay is blaming liberals for the failed war in Iraq.

Finding Time In The City Too Busy To Hate

Milton County

A little bit of background.

Milton County in the U.S. state of Georgia was created on December 18, 1857. Alpharetta was the county seat until the end of 1931, when Milton was merged with Fulton County to save it from bankruptcy during the Great Depression.

Now some current events.

In recent years there had been growing animosity by those in affluent north Fulton County over tax revenue needed in the less-developed southwest section of the county, as well as over excessive land development and zoning, and other issues of local control. Because of the July 18 referendum, active political discussions regarding the re-forming of Milton County out of north Fulton (the area in which the City of Johns Creek will reside) have been revisited.

At many levels, this story is nothing special. Suburbs deciding they enjoy being rich. And the poor are everyone's problem not just theirs because of a very oddly drawn county. But this is the South and everything has a racial element to it.

During this year's midterm elections, it was the incumbent Atlanta political base which played the race card in a very inappropriate fashion in a pathetic attempt to get out the vote. Andrew Young, Mayor Shirley Franklin, and Rep. John Lewis spoke in the ominous radio ad. Here is the Lewis portion:

On Nov. 7, we face the most dangerous situation we ever have. You think fighting off dogs and water hoses in the '60s was bad. [Now we] sit idly by, and let the right-wing Republicans take control of the Fulton County County Commission.... Your very life may depend on it.

(Here is the full text.)

To summarize, we already had a portion for withdrawing from Fulton County and now this ad where there is blatant us (black/city) versus them (white/suburbs) to crystallize the racial portion of the issue.

So, here's what is special. I am in the middle of this. The Studiodave family estate is in John's Creek. (You can actually see it by selecting "voting Democrat" on fundrace.org for the greater Alpharetta area.)

Personally, I see this as another case where a class issue which is being clouded by the race issue. The facts are that Atlanta politics are hugely. (The saying goes "if Maynard Jackson invented graft, Bill Campbell made it an institution." For example, the judge at Campbell's sentencing added that during the trial he "was overcome, almost appalled, at the breadth of misconduct in your administration.") Based on the corruption and the savings in taxes I'd receive - I have to say it is very hard for me to support remaining in Fulton.

I'd love to know your thoughts. Am I a racist for responding in this fashion? Or simply selfish? Or am I a great American?

You're Not The Wallet Inspector!

I know the "dumb criminals" emails drive everyone nuts. But this one is too good to pass up as it actually appears to be true.

Mezvinsky traveled to Nigeria numerous times and ultimately lost more than $3 million as a victim of the scammers.

Prosecutors say Mezvinsky fell particularly hard for what is known as the "black money" scam. Victims are told millions of dollars have been coated with black ink so the money could be smuggled out of Nigeria.

The scammers then offer to sell a special, expensive chemical to remove the black ink so the currency can be used.

Prosecutors say Mezvinsky fell for at least three separate "black money" schemes that he thought would bring him millions.

Somehow this lucky fellow is tied (vaguely) to the Clintons. This story should have legs until the GOP can find a success story to point to - so assume you will here this reference to Clinton bashing for another 9 years.

Spicy Meatball

I look forward to this season every year. I hate the fact that I have no money, but I like buying presents for people. Getting presents makes you sit down and think about the ones you love and to think about what would make them happy. I love the fact that this weekend will be the last time I rake leaves for 9 months. But most of all, I like that I can be an absolute complete unapologetic glutton for an entire month.

I like to eat. Highbrow, lowbrow, middlebrow -- I'm an equal opportunity omnivore. We usually go up to my parents' for Christmas, but this year we're entertaining. My sister-in-law and her husband (brother-in-law once removed?) are coming down. They're Yankees from the effete liberal enclave of Ann Arbor and like to experience Southern Fried Goodness whenever they come in to town.

Fried turkey is definitely on the menu. I've had this so often that I no longer consider it exotic. At this point, a turkey that is stuffed while you cook it sounds pretty fancy.

What I'm most excited about this year is Tasty China. The Ann Arbor folks used the internets and found out about this place. Now I find out that I can eat food so spicy that it was until recently banned in the USA. (Okay, it was actually banned because of a canker, but I like my reason better.)

But the salient feature of many dishes at Tasty China is their stunning, chile-stoked intensity. The food doesn't merely burn your palate; it also leaves it feeling strangely anesthetized —- like a shot of novocaine or even a defibrillator applied directly to your oral cavity.

This is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!

"Pfft. Why Not Write a Musical about the Common Cat?"

As part of Broadway's continuing death spiral, they're turning High Fidelity into a musical. I guess if you can make musicals out of the masterwork of ABBA and Billy Joel, why not make a movie about people who hate ABBA and Billy Joel? And why not make it just as annoying?

Anyway, I mention this because I came across an interview with the lead actor in the Newark Star-Ledger, which is easily the place to go for all your Broadway musical news needs. I was especially intrigued by this passage:

But after almost a decade on Broadway, this will be only Chase's second stab at creating a role; his first was as one of the actors who portrayed John in the ill-fated "Lennon," which closed after 49 performances last summer. ...

His role in "Lennon," a production mounted with the blessing of the Beatles' frontman's widow, is one he cherishes, despite its failure to gain an audience. "To have Yoko Ono come up to you after you sing 'Mother' and say, 'It's like having John singing it again' I was like, 'Shoot me now ....'"

You know, there's such a thing as taking an impersonation too far.

Friday Random Ten

To answer your first question, no, I don't know what "I Farta" means in Norwegian. This may shatter your opinion of me, but I don't speak Norwegian and it's not a cool enough language to be featured on Babelfish.

I'm just hoping it doesn't mean what i think it means, because if it does, the goofball in the Bill Cosby sweater really, really needs to remove his finger from the behind of the Jackie Earle Haley wannabe in the acid-washed jeans. (You're supposed to pull his finger to make him go, Knut. He's not supposed to push yours.)

Anyway, the arrival of the Norwegian gas face can only mean it's time, once again, for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iWhatever, put it on random, and give us the first ten songs. And if you'd like to send out the jazz and bring in the funk, throw in a coolness self-audit as well. Here's mine.

1. The Archies, "Sugar Sugar" -- Goddammit, who's been messing with this thing? 1/10

2. Moby, "I'm Not Worried at All" -- While I didn't like 18 as much as I loved Play, I also didn't have to hear every single song in forty different American Express ads or in the end credits of every third Hollywood release. So this one's a little cooler just because it wasn't mass-merchandised. 7/10

3. James Brown, "Soulful Christmas" -- Call me a traditionalist, but it's just not Christmas to me without the holiday singles from the Godfather of Soul. He put together a different single each season, and as the '60s spun out of control, they became more and more militant. This isn't exactly "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" but it's pretty close. "James Brown loves you, you lucky so-and-so." Yes, he does. 8/10

4. Grandaddy, "Guide Down Tonight" -- From Just Like the Fambly Cat, the fifth and final album from this group after fourteen years of precious, precocious, alt-nerd sounds. Nicely mellow. 7/10

5. Handsome Hank and his Lonesome Boys, "Video Killed the Radio Star" -- Yes, it's a bluegrass cover of the Buggles song. What? Stop staring at me like that. I am not an animal! I am a human being! 6/10

6. Beck, "Missing" -- From the excellent Guero album, a song that somehow manages to be sparse and haunting on one hand, and catchy as hell on the other. You may be a nutball Scientologist, Beck, but you make a mean song. 9/10

7. Leonard Cohen, "Hallelujah" -- A tremendously moving song, ruined by Leonard Cohen's tremendously creepy monotone in the lead vocals. Yeesh, sounds more like Leonard Nimoy, or perhaps South Park's Ned on a good day. There's a reason that when this song is used in four different Very Special Episodes of television dramas this season, it's a different singer. 5/10

8. Nina Simone, "House of the Rising Sun" -- Only Nina Simone could make this song a raucous soul number, and make it work. Take some notes, Leonard. This is how it's done. 9/10

9. Jane's Addiction, "Summertime Rolls" -- True story. Soon after I started playing bass in college, I ran into StudioDave. He wanted to know if I could play the bass line to this song like a guy on his hall could, and when I said no, I hadn't mastered this complicated song in my two weeks of practice, he was visibly unimpressed. His lack of faith soon caused me to abandon the instrument. (I said it would be a true story. Not that it would be even remotely interesting.) Anyway, I'm taking off a few points for the mental trauma inflicted by this song. 6/10

10. Eric B. and Rakim, "Don't Sweat the Technique" -- Ah, what a nice way to round out the FRT. (That's F-R-T, Norwegians. You may not buy a vowel.) Probably the biggest hit from the best hiphop act of the late '80s. Yes, better than Public Enemy. Yes. 9/10

Man, I was all over the place today. And somehow I still ended up with a 6.7 average. I'm two-thirds cool, just like Wilson Phillips was two-thirds hot.

I'm sure you folks can do better. Drop your own FRT in the comments, or feel free to launch a rebuttal in the Eric B. vs. Chuck D. battle.

Thank You Bill Clinton

So I'm back at work after a month of chilling with Mrs. T and new Baby T, and I just wanted to say thank heavens for the Family Medical Leave Act. More specifically, thank you, Bill Clinton.

FMLA is, of course, the law that lets you take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave per year to take care of family health issues, such as a newborn or serious medical condition. It's far from perfect (lots of paperwork involved, and there's plenty of loopholes that an employer can exploit), but it's basically a great law.

Some folks might think that a law that allows you to take care of your family's health situations is pro-family, but you'd be wrong. In fact, the pro-family HW Bush vetoed the legislation twice. Wasn't until the Big Dog got in office that the law was enacted; in fact, it was one of the very first pieces of legislation he signed (a good primer is at wiki). If you check out the roll call on the vote, the family-hating democrats were overwhelmingly for it, while the republicans were overwhelmingly against it.

Courtesy of rebeldad, I see that the present admin is asking for comments on FMLA. They may want to mess with it, seeing as how some employers don't like the idea of their employees lazing around the house with their newborns or sick family members, but I think that'd be a huge mistake. I think they'll find that FMLA has joined the ranks of overwhelmingly popular family-friendly laws written and enacted by democrats. Any criticism of it will be that it doesn't go far enough -- paid sick leave, anyone?

To recap, thank you to Bill Clinton and the democrats who made FMLA happen. And "F-U" to anyone who wants to mess with it.

What Would You Do For $100,000?

As the LLPON.com crew can attest, I admire laziness. If I didn't have a wife and kids, I would be making the Big Lebowski look like a go-getter. So it amazes me to learn of a man who would be willing to lower himself further than even *I* could tolerate.

TACOMA, Wash. -- For nearly 20 years -- ever since Pete Costello was 8 -- his mother has collected disability benefits on his behalf. In meetings with Social Security officials and psychologists, he appeared mentally retarded and unable to communicate. His mother insisted he couldn't read or write, shower, take care of himself or drive a car.

But now prosecutors said it was all a huge fraud, and they have video of Costello contesting a traffic ticket to prove it. "He's like any other person trying to get out of a traffic ticket," Assistant U.S. Attorney Norman Barbosa said Tuesday.

Impressive. So, folks, what's the lowest thing *you* have ever done for money?

(Please note IRod - I know your answer and if it doesn't appear in 2 days - I'm posting!)

Mass Scots

Courtesy of Deadspin, I see that Carnegie Mellon University is trying to come up with a new mascot.

The fine people of Carnegie Mellon currently don't have an official mascot, although they do have an incredibly awkward nickname -- the Tartans. While I think the kilt-wearing, haggis-chomping, nae-saying, grounds-keeping Scots would be a great inspiration for college teams (especially women's field hockey), apparently the fine people of CMU aren't sold. They're probably worried that Scotland will object when the Decider announces that we're invading the Vatican and there'll be a backlash to all things Scottish. We'll be busy switching over to patriotically-correct terms like Freedom Liquor and War on Terror Terriers, but they'll be stuck forever with the Scottish taint. (Man, that sounds wrong. Ugh.)

Anyway, they're accepting nominations for a new mascot, so I thought we might make this an open discussion among the criminal perverts and/or shut-ins who make up our readership.

Personally, I think there's got to be a good mascot to be found in their founders, steel magnate Andrew Carnegie and aluminum magnate Andrew Mellon. The Philandering Philanthropists? The Tin Men? Metallica? Andy Andy?

Or maybe we should focus on the student body, which, if my college application memories are correct, is generally composed of earnest engineering and math types. The Mathletes? Team Excelsior? The CMU CPUs?

As you can tell, I'm not feeling very inspired, but I'm sure we've got a winner out there. Drop your suggestions in the comments.

Little Help?

I know I should already know the answer to this question, but since a scientifical test proved I'm 100% in favor of the terrorists, I can't trust my own judgement. Exactly why is the guy accused of supporting terrorists getting way worse treatment than the guy who was, you know, convicted of committing a heinous terrorist act on American soil?

Caption Contest

It's a busy day today, so that can only mean one thing for the blog -- time for yet another accursed caption contest.

Have at him, folks.

Ku Klux Kramer, Pt. 2

Thanks to the fine folks at Shakespeare's Sister, we're proud to present National Lampoon's discovery of a long-lost episode from "Seinfeld," in which Kramer's crackerisms are fully explored. Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

I find this week's album cover to be particularly disturbing. The title is creepy enough, but the recreation of the Kids in the Hall "Daddy Drank" sketch is even worse. What are the songs on this little lovefest? "You Were an Accident!"?

Anyway, the arrival of the After School Special drama that is Listen, Son can only mean that it's time for the Friday Random Ten.

1. Betty Davis, "Don't Call Her No Tramp" -- Holy shit, I'd forgotten about this song. It's a phenomenal bit of early '70s funk, with some blistering guitar work and scorching vocals. If this isn't cool, I don't know what is. 10/10

2. Latin Playboys, "Mustard" -- This is an acoustic side project of Los Lobos. A very nice, lowkey guitar shuffle. Highly recommended. 9/10

3. Hasta Panojo Baila Mi Son, "Estrellas De Areito" -- A great bit of Cuban music here, with some terrific violin and acoustic guitar work. It goes on a little too long -- eleven minutes for an instrumental? -- but it's solid. Not sure where this lands on the coolness range. 6/10?

4. Björk, "Bachelorette" -- My fellow bloggers will mock me mercilessly for this, but I've always had a soft spot for this swan-wearing Icelandic nutball. Off of Homogenic, which might just be one of my favorite albums from the 1990s. 7/10

5. Archers of Loaf, "Web in Front" -- Some terrific indie rock. This is a nice single from their 1994 album Icky Mettle, which I believe was actually Spin magazine's album of the year. Nice blast from the past. 9/10

6. The 6ths, "Falling Out of Love (With You)" -- Damn, I'm on a roll. The 6ths are a side project of Stephin Merritt from the Magnetic Fields, one for which he brings in different guest vocalists for each song. This is Dean Wareham, I think, in an incredibly catchy bit of happy little indiepop. 9/10

7. Joan Jett, "Do You Wanna Touch Me" -- I'm not exactly sure where Joan Jett stands on the coolness scale either. Probably wherever the hell she wants. 8/10

8. Rosey, "My Baby" -- Hmmm. This is a pretty horrible bit of poppy R&B. I have no idea where I got this, and I'm afraid to find out. I need some iPenicillin. 1/10

9. James Brown, "Super Bad" -- Well, that's a nice recovery. There are only three box sets I've ever purchased that I've felt have been worth every penny -- the Johnny Cash Columbia Years Recordings, the Muddy Waters Chess Set, and the James Brown Star Time collection. As a comedian once said, the only time a box set makes sense is if you can say, "Hey, I own nothing by Loverboy, but I think I want to own everything by Loverboy." This is an exception. 8/10

10. J.J. Cale, "Cocaine" -- A bluesier version (original?) of the Clapton song. Eh. 5/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.2 average, in spite of the Rosey meltdown. I can live with that.

Feel free to drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments below, or flail me for my flawed selections and/or ratings. Release the hounds!