Sarah, Palin and Tall

John McCain has announced his VP pick and it's ... Sarah Palin? Seriously?

For those of you who follow American politics diligently, you probably still have no clue who she is. She's been the governor of Alaska for a whole eighteen months, and before that she was the mayor of a town of nearly eight thousand people! Wow. That certainly pounds home the "experience" argument that the McCain camp has been pushing.

And remember how the McCain campaign has been trying to portray Obama as an empty-headed celebrity? Guess who was Miss Runner Up in the race for Miss Alaska? (Hint: It was not Ted Stevens.) And yet, at the same time, she's somehow unknown. I saw the MSNBC crew and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson both clueless about how to even pronounce her last name.

Strategically, this makes just a whole lot of sense. Alaska is a swing state with a whopping three electoral votes, and Palin is a die-hard social and economic conservative who will certainly solidify a conservative base that's shrunk by ten points since the last election and will doubtlessly help McCain reach out to independents who will love, love, love her cred as a right-wing ideologue.

Oh, and did I mention that she comes from a state where he party is awash in corruption scandals from head to toe, and she herself is currently under investigation for firing the state's Public Safety Commissioner when he wouldn't follow her pressure and fire her ex-brother-in-law after a messy divorce? Awesome.

Update: Alright, I yield to the folks at Sadly No in the search for proper imagery.

And, while we're at it, the Poor Man has a video clip that shows just how awesome a pick this is. Clueless and corrupt? Holy shit, that's a change from the current crop of Republicans.

Sooo Sensitive

So the GOP convention schedule may be altered because of a hurricane hitting LA. Says a McBush advisor:

Senior Republicans said the images of political celebration in Minneapolis while thousands of Americans flee a hurricane could be disastrous. "Senator McCain has always been sensitive to national crisis," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. . . .

Yeah, look how sensitive he was the last time New Orleans was drowning.

Millionaire-Gazillionaire 2008

Oh please please please please please.

Update: Now the talking heads are saying it's not Mittens. Damn. Is it too much to ask for Lieberman at least?

Wordle

Very cool.

Conventional Wisdom

I'm obviously a little biased in this, but I have to say the Democratic convention is going pretty damn well so far.

The first night started out a bit thin, featuring the Nancy Pelosi animatronic robot from the Disneyland Hall of Presidents. But then Ted Kennedy made a terrific stump speech, and then Michelle Obama absolutely knocked it out of the park. (Seriously, if you missed the speech, be sure to watch it.)

I know Mark Warner was technically the keynote speaker, but Tuesday night was all about Hillary Clinton's address. Not just because of the media narrative, but because Warner decided to cell-phone it in with a shitty, shitty talk. Anyway, Clinton nailed it. Say what you will about some of the divisiveness of the primary season, but she couldn't have done a better job. (I know, the media thinks she could have done better. The media, of course, are idiots.)

Last night was the most raucous yet. Bill Clinton dropped the hammer and, judging by the three-hour standing ovation from the crowd, all has been forgiven. And Joe Biden closed things down with a solid turn in the VP spot.

The best speech of the night, though, came from an unlikely source -- John Kerry. You likely missed it, since the cable networks were too busy interviewing random people on the floor (CNN) and having Tom Brokaw lecture us on how no one can criticize John McCain Because He Was Once a POW™ (MSNBC). I guess they assumed that no one interested in the presidential election convention of Democratic Party would ever want to hear from the last presidential nominee of the Democratic Party. But, damn, Kerry was on fire. Wooden delivery, but terrific zingers. Take a look if you missed it.

What'd you think? High points? Low points? Should that godawful band be shot, or simply beaten?

"Everybody's Hugging!"

The Obama campaign has just unveiled a nice set of ads, and they amount to a swift kick to the groin for John McCain. This is the nicest one, and it's still devastating. Suck it, Mr. Burns!

*fart*

I wasn't exactly doing cartwheels when my email alert went off at 3 AM EST that Biden is the answer. Anyone else underwhelmed?

More Please

"I Read It in the Post and the Daily News..."

With all the speculation over Obama's VP pick these days, I thought we might want to revisit the accuracy of these predictions from the last go-around.

A Goldfish with a Lincoln Log

According to news reports, Russell Crowe's next film project is going to be a biography of comedian Bill Hicks.

"I have another project based on the life of comedian Bill Hicks, which is going from treatment to draft stage with Kiwi writer Mark Staufer."

It is understood he is considering playing the main role of Hicks — a controversial and brilliant American comedian who battled drug and alcohol abuse before dying from cancer at 32.

No, no. You read that right. They're making a movie about cult icon and beloved bastard Bill Hicks, and the Gladiator wants to play him.

I'm having a hard time getting a read on my emotions here. I think I'm ... happy?

Hard to say. I think I need to lie down.

This ain't Heaven. This sucks!

So Team Canada isn't exactly tearing it up in Beijing.

The good news is that at last people in the Great White North will soon be able to watch some hot Canadian sex.

Federal regulators have granted Alberta-based Real Productions approval to launch a new digital pornography channel, which promises to serve up at least 50 percent domestic content.

The article doesn't mention which half is Canadian.

The Old College Try

If you're not reading Drew Magary's Balls Deep column over at Deadspin on a regular basis, you should be. This week he pulls his gaze off the NFL, just for a second, so he can dump some haterade all over the top 25 college football teams.

Here's a taste:

11. Auburn

Fun fact: In the entire history of the school, no Auburn student has ever graduated. In fact, they don’t even plan a commencement. Everyone just kind of wanders off campus around March or so.

You know you’re a school that has low expectations when your main source of pride is whether or not you beat Alabama at something. Oh, look Auburn! You won the Iron Bowl! You’re the best school in all of Alabama! Which is exactly the same level of honor as being the lady with the nicest set of tits in a nursing home. Way to go.

The rest is just as good. Enjoy.

Vice Squad

Some very interesting speculation about Obama's possible vice-presidential pick. God, I hope this is true.

Update: Some more reading of the tea leaves, pointing in another, almost-as-interesting direction.

Olympic Fever

In case you've spent the past weekend in a coma or a Tibetan re-education camp, it's my duty to inform you that the Olympics are underway.

I've only managed to catch a few events so far, largely because the thought of sitting through a Bizarro World sport like team handball or the quarterfinals for women's water polo bores me to tears. That said, I did manage to catch some of the swimming finals last night and saw the conclusion of the China-Spain basketball game this morning. Hell, I even got into an archery match. (The remote was too far away.)

Anyway, it seems there's been some genuine athletic excitement. What have I missed? What are people looking forward to? Is it true the Chinese government built the athlete's dorms out of dissidents?

Isaac Hayes, 1942-2008

It's my sad duty to report that Isaac Hayes has just passed away at the age of 65.

Often underappreciated, Hayes had tremendous range and a good sense of himself. As a singer, he gave us songs as varied as the driving funk of "Hyperbolicsyllablecsesquedalymistic" and the South Park ditty "Salty Chocolate Balls." As an actor of somewhat limited talents, he still rocked it in everything from actual blaxploitation flicks like Truck Turner to mock blaxploitation flicks like I'm Gonna Git You Sucka to self mockeries like Chef from South Park.

Speaking of his acting career, I noticed this line from his obituary:

He had recently finished work on a movie called "Soul Men" in which he played himself, starring Samuel Jackson and Bernie Mac, who died on Saturday.

Watch your back, Sam.

Sports Notes

Never been a big Favre fan, and I was happy to see him retire. The TV bloviating over the end of an era was nauseating, but at least it was the end. And now a perfectly good summer of Orioles baseball thinking about football has been ruined by nonstop Favre. And now he's playing again? Save me, Jeebus.

I love Michael Wilbon on PTI, but I'm very happy not to have Kornheiser on with him. Gets old after awhile, and it's not just the Favre love.

Are the DC Nationals the baseball equivalent of the Atlanta Hawks?

I'm pretty hepped up about USA basketball. I know some people (ahem Otto ahem) are anti-Coach K, but it looks like he's getting his stars to play together and not all try to dunk at once. The big thing to watch for is defense, which they actually play in Europe.

Have any of you ever heard of Colin Cowherd and/or his radio show on ESPN radio? The dude sucks, and my station just picked him up. Who's on the other sports radio station at that time? Tony Kornheiser.

Does anyone know or care who just won the Tour de France?

Pwned

It just gets worse and worse for McMaverick™ these days.

Update: And worse. I had no idea the DNC had a functioning sense of humor, but this one's good.

Pardon My Zinger

How bad are things going for the McCain campaign? Bad enough that John Kerry is mocking them:

“I don’t know if you know this,” joked Kerry, “John McCain is looking for someone for vice president who has more economic expertise than he does. So congratulations to all of you, you’re on the short list.”

As we all know, John Kerry couldn't land a joke if his life depended on it. This is the political equivalent of getting a wedgie from Martin Prince.

McCain 2008: If You Can Read This Slogan, The Bitch Fell Off

For some reason, John McCain visited a biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota.

I'm not sure why. Maybe his campaign is flailing so badly they felt the need to shore up their support in the Stone Cold demographic. Maybe getting fifty thousand Harleys to rev their engines is part of his new "Fuck It, Let's Tap This Bitch Dry" energy plan.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is part of his effort to win over all those women who supported Hillary Clinton in the Democratic Primary:

McCain felt so comfortable at the event that he even volunteered his wife for the rally’s traditional beauty pageant, an infamously debauched event that’s been known to feature topless women.

“I encouraged Cindy to compete,” McCain said to cheers. “I told her with a little luck she could be the only woman ever to serve as first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip.”

I guess once you've called your (second) wife a "cunt" and a "trollop," it's not that far a step to ask her to slut it up in hopes of getting some votes.

Personally, I think McCain's so steeped in shoveling bullshit this season that getting his wife to win the "Miss Buffalo Chip" title just seemed like a natural extension.

Update: It's actually worse than I thought. Here's a clip of last year's Miss Buffalo Chip contest. Call me an elitist, but holy fucking Christ is it inappropriate for a presidential candidate to say his wife should be in this thing.

The Onion

Damn funny. And late-career Marlon Brando is about the right weight to play him in the film version!

Daily Show: Dick Move of the Week

Caption Contest

We've received an urgent request to add something to the site and move -- and I quote -- "Stevens' porn star vag lips" down the page.

Accordingly, it's time for another caption contest. As much as I'm enjoying the new ROFLBot application, sometimes you just have to let democracy run wild.

So have at them.

This is Mr. Belding

No, seriously. This is Mr. Belding.

Hot Off The Intertubes

Senator Ted Stevens, a notorious asshole and chronic crybaby -- whom my colleague Thrillhous once dubbed "Senator Baby Made a Boom Boom" -- has at long last been indicted.

Alaska Republican Sen. Ted Stevens was charged Tuesday with making false statements after a wide-ranging probe into ties between an energy company and lawmakers in his home state, according to a federal indictment.

In a 28-page indictment from a federal grand jury, Stevens was charged with seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial forms.

FBI and Internal Revenue Service agents searched Stevens' Alaska home in July 2007 in connection with the probe, which has already snared two oil-company executives and a state lobbyist.

Given that the Republican governor and sole Republican member of the House are both coming under investigation as well, we might just be seeing a clean sweep in Alaska. Bring it.

Corvette Summer

By now you've heard that Bob Novak, the spy-outingest pundit in DC, hit a man with his Corvette a few days ago. The original story was that the man was 66 and had very minor injuries. Turns out the injuries were a bit more significant, and the man is 86.

No word on whether two puncture wounds were found on the man's neck.

Yearly Music Audit

Courtesy of Mr. Furious, I've been tagged with one of the latest blog memes to circle these here intertubes.

You're supposed to use the album lists on Wikipedia to come up with a year-by-year breakdown of your favorites, from the year of your birth until now. The rules are pretty loose. I'm selecting in terms of what I like now, as opposed to what I actually listened to then. (Apologies to the outstanding cast of Free to Be You and Me! for the snub.)

Some years were brutal because there was nothing good -- apparently the election of Ronald Reagan depressed the hell out of the music world, because 1981 was a fucking desert -- and others were brutal because there were tons of terrific albums released. But here's what I settled on, in a wholly arbitrary fashion.

1972: Curtis Mayfield, Superfly
1973: Sly and the Family Stone, Fresh
1974: Velvet Underground, 1969: The Velvet Underground Live
1975: Led Zeppelin, Physical Graffiti
1976: Stevie Wonder, Songs in the Key of Life
1977: Iggy Pop, Lust for Life
1978: Police, Outlandos d'Amour
1979: Funkadelic, Uncle Jam Wants You!
1980: AC/DC, Back in Black
1981: Rolling Stones, Tattoo You (wow, what a shit year for music)
1982: The Clash, Combat Rock

Violent Femmes, Violent Femmes: 1983
R.E.M., Reckoning: 1984
The Cure, The Head on the Door: 1985
The Smiths, The Queen is Dead: 1986
The Replacements, Pleased to Meet Me: 1987
The Pixies, Surfer Rosa: 1988
De La Soul, 3 Feet High and Rising: 1989
Public Enemy, Fear of a Black Planet: 1990
My Bloody Valentine, Loveless: 1991
Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted: 1992
Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville: 1993

1994: Weezer, Weezer (Blue Album)
1995: Björk, Post
1996: R.E.M., New Adventures in Hi-Fi
1997: Radiohead, OK Computer
1998: Lauryn Hill, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
1999: The Roots, Things Fall Apart
2000: Outkast, Stankonia
2001: Gorillaz, Gorillaz
2002: Blackalicious, Blazing Arrow
2003: Death Cab for Cutie, Transatlanticism
2004: Arcade Fire, Funeral

Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary: 2005
Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere: 2006
Radiohead, In Rainbows: 2007
Flight of the Conchords, Flight of the Conchords: 2008

Again, some of these were easy decisions, but for most years -- either because of bumper crops or deadly dry spells -- there were probably a half dozen ones that would have been tied.

Feel free to add your objections, substitutions, and full-blown lists of your own in the comments. And I'd really love to hear your answers for 1981: The Year The Music Died.

Meanwhile, at the Stately Crawford Ranch...

In keeping with the current Dark Knight excitement that's sweeping the nation, the Wall Street Journal has published a Batman-themed op-ed which appropriately begins with the words "a cry for help."

It's pathetic, even by WSJ standards:

A cry for help goes out from a city beleaguered by violence and fear: A beam of light flashed into the night sky, the dark symbol of a bat projected onto the surface of the racing clouds . . .

Oh, wait a minute. That's not a bat, actually. In fact, when you trace the outline with your finger, it looks kind of like . . . a "W."

There seems to me no question that the Batman film "The Dark Knight," currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war. Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past.

It gets worse from there.

Film Forum

I haven't managed to get tickets to see Dark Knight yet -- stupid soldout IMAX theaters -- but the word on the street is that this thing is going to be big. Gabby Hayes big.

The film is packed with terrific performances, but keep your eyes peeled for a cameo by none other than Senator Pat Leahy. He makes an appearance in a ballroom scene where Heath Ledger's Joker puts a knife to his throat. Apparently, Leahy's a big Batman fan and the director was impressed by how he had handled himself when Leahy had a similar run-in with the Penguin.

Consider this an open thread for a discussion of all things movies. For starters, the new trailer for the Watchmen movie has me all tingly, but talk about what you'd like. But please don't put in any spoilers for Mamma Mia! because I haven't seen it yet.

Another Dick Vitale Achievement

Today my toddler decided 4am was a great wakeup time, despite my many logical arguments to the contrary. None of the usual stuff was working (rocking, singing, absinthe, etc.), so I figured she was up for good.

Around 7:30 we were flopped on the couch with a book, ESPN on in the background, and the kid lost interest in the book. She sat up and watched the TV, on which Mike and Mike were interviewing Dick Vitale by phone.

A couple minutes of "yeah baby!" and "he's a great family man," and she was out like a light.

Fiscal Flatulence

If you haven't read the latest op-ed piece from Frank Rich, go read it now.

Weathervane McCain

If you haven't seen the ever-expanding list of John McCain's flip-flops over at the Carpetbagger Report, it's worth taking a look.

As you can see, John McCain is such a mavericky straight-talkin' maverick that he's able to defy logic itself and take all sides of virtually every issue there is. It's impressive.

Be sure to check it out. Better yet, be sure to pass the link along to the independents and conservatives in your life. The lapdogs in the media sure won't.

Larry Craig Begs You Not to Jerk Him Around

Meet the Press

Looks like there are actually some reporters out there who aren't completely smitten with the McCain campaign.

Nice to see the McCain press secretary and her aides handle this so clumsily. In their defense, St. Louis certainly isn't a major media market and Missouri is never to an important swing state in presidential races. Pissing off all the local TV stations definitely won't come back to bite them.

Need for Speed

So CNN has been running a fluff piece interview with Cindy McCain all day.

The upshot is that, unlike that evil terrorist Michelle Obama, the Second Mrs. McCain is just a regular ol' billionaire heiress gal who hobnobs with NASCAR drivers and thinks the only way you can travel around Arizona is by "small private plane." (That last bit is missing from the even fluffier write-up on CNN.com. Of course.)

The best part is that, this afternoon, deep from his undisclosed location in The Situation Room, chronic shouter Wolf Blitzer introduced the piece with a comment on Cindy McCain's "need for speed."

Uh, Wolf, given her history, that's probably not the best phrase to use there.

Putting the "Ass" in "Associated Press"

For those of us commie pinko fags who read the newspapers, the steady but unmistakable decline of the Associated Press in the past year has been bewildering.

They've suddenly gone from being the gold standard for objective journalism, to a bunch of pathetic lapdogs sucking up to McCain with his favorite donuts and running bitchy hit pieces on Obama. It's like they replaced their reporters with the scribblings of a middle school's girls' bathroom, as dutifully and damningly chronicled by the Carpetbagger Report.

But nothing I'd seen so far had prepared me for this little nugget:

Karl Rove exchanged e-mails about Pat Tillman with Associated Press reporter Ron Fournier, under the subject line "H-E-R-O." In response to Mr. Fournier's e-mail, Mr. Rove asked, "How does our country continue to produce men and women like this," to which Mr. Fournier replied, "The Lord creates men and women like this all over the world. But only the great and free countries allow them to flourish. Keep up the fight."

To repeat, that's the head of the Associated Press telling Karl Rove to "Keep up the fight." I'd have to think even some of the hacks at Faux News would find that to be over the line.

Black and White

So which is it?

Is Barack Obama a scary black militant black radical black Muslimy black man?

Or is Barack Obama really a white man in disguise, and simply not authentically black enough, as this authority on all things Afrocentric tells us?

I'd really appreciate it if the sixth-grade girls who run our media could just pick one stupid stereotype and run with it.

McCainiacs

Built with the quick and idiot-proof ROFLBot site. Expect to see more of these, folks.

Five Things

As a way to avoid spending every waking second talking about his kids, my friend and his wife started playing the Five Things game: you pick a topic, and then you have to name five things on that topic.

Some recent ones:

Five cars whose names begin with "S."
Five Best Male or Female Actors (Oscar).
Five Stephen King books.
Five countries in Africa.
Five professional skaters.
Five supermarket chains not located in the state in which you currently reside.

Yes, life with kids is thrilling. Feel free to take a shot an any of these in the comments, or suggest your own topic (my contribution: Five cities in Iraq, excluding Baghdad).

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

It's good to know he's keeping busy.

Four More Years

I knew the McCain camp was touchy about the "third Bush term" stuff, but this is fucking ridiculous.

Caption Contest

I'm sure that featuring John McCain in a caption contest will immediately be denounced by the corporate media as an effort to insult his military service and impugn his integrity, but we all have to take our chances these days.

Have at him. But just to be safe, someone get Andrea Mitchell a paper bag to hyperventilate into.

"Professor, Would You Say It's Time for Our Viewers to Panic?"

If you thought former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan got nervous behind the podium, take a look at the way this Assistant Secretary of the Treasury handles himself.

Hard to believe the economy's in the toilet with leadership like this.

Herlihy Boy ‘08

It seems like the case for President McCain is becoming little more than a guilt trip. He was tortured for our country! Vote for him, dammit!

And of course, the flip side: If you do vote for McCain, it’s almost as if you went to war and were tortured yourself. You’re a hero, dammit!

It reminds me of the Chris Farley-Adam Sandler skit from SNL, Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service. Adam Sandler is McCain, and Chris Farley plays the role of the liberal media.

Independence Day

Ed.: An old one, reposted to honor the meaning of Independence Day

Mark Twain is, without contest, my favorite author of all time.

More than any writer before or since, Twain somehow managed to combine excellent story-telling, first-class sarcasm, and biting social commentary in a nice tight package. I've always loved him for the first two traits, but the more and more this country comes under the sway of the Banana Republicans, I'm really appreciating his clear-eyed take on patriotism and democracy.

For instance, take this passage from The Papers of the Adams Family:

Against our traditions we are now entering upon an unjust and trivial war, a war against a helpless people, and for a base object — robbery. At first our citizens spoke out against this thing, by an impulse natural to their training. Today they have turned, and their voice is the other way.

What caused the change? Merely a politician's trick — a high-sounding phrase, a blood-stirring phrase which turned their uncritical heads: Our Country, right or wrong! An empty phrase, a silly phrase. It was shouted by every newspaper, it was thundered from the pulpit, the Superintendent of Public Instruction placarded it in every schoolhouse in the land, the War Department inscribed it upon the flag.

And every man who failed to shout it or who was silent, was proclaimed a traitor — none but those others were patriots. To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

For in a republic, who is "the Country"? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant — merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "the country?" Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t.

In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country; in a republic it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catch-phrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide it against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country — hold up your head! You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.

This Republic's life is not in peril. The nation has sold its honor for a phrase. It has swung itself loose from its safe anchorage and is drifting, its helm is in pirate hands.

"The nation has sold its honor for a phrase." I can't think of a better single-sentence condemnation of the Bush Administration's empty slogans and dead hearts.

I want my goddamn country back. I only hope there's enough of it left to salvage once the Bush gang gets done stripping it for parts.

The Onion News Network

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

"We've Officially Bottomed Out"

If you've missed the media hysteria over Gen. Wesley Clark's insane, outrageous, outlandish comment that simply being a military veteran doesn't entitle you to a free pass on issues of foreign policy, TPM has distilled the hyperventilation into a nice little clip here.

Man, I wonder why the cable networks keep losing viewers.

Family Values

Jesus's General is hoping to help out the Family Values Republicans with a new set of ads.

Caption Contest

As any true American knows, the dry spell between the end of March Madness and the start of football season is a dead zone in the sporting world. This picture just underscores the fact.

Have at them.

Incoming Wounded!

If you're looking to read someone rip John McCain a new asshole -- no, I'm not talking about Joe Lieberman; I said a new asshole -- go take a look at Matt Taibbi.

Short and Curly

So Libya, which produces a scant 2.2% of the world's oil, says it may cut its production, which caused a spike in the price of a barrel of oil. They didn't actually cut anything, they just said they were thinking about it.

Remember when we were against Libya because they sponsored terrorism? Now they can make a suggestion and hurt every single person in the U.S.

God bless that sweet crude.

The inside scoop

This is totally old, but contains so much truth that I thought I should bring it to the attention of anyone who doesn't read Deadspin articles with scantily clad lady pictures.

There's a New Sheriff in Town

... and his name is Barack Obama.

Fear of a Black Planet

Courtesy of Political Base, here's a button that's currently being sold at the Texas Republican Party convention.

Keep this in mind when the Republicans get outraged -- outraged! -- at the suggestion that there is racism in any way, shape or form coming out of their campaign this year. Clearly, they've never ever done anything before like this, and it would be beneath them to do so now.

As David Cross said, "Look, I'm not saying that all Republicans are racists, just that all racists seem to be Republicans."

"We Like Roy! We Like Roy!"

Caption Contest

As much as I love devoting these to Still-President Bush, we should probably take some time to take a jab at Never-Be-President McCain while we still can.

Have at him, folks.

Image stolen, as always, from Dependable Renegade.

Take It Down a Notch

When it comes to Keith Olberman, I couldn't agree more with this post.

The Pull-Your-Dick Presidency

While I'm thrilled that the reign of Emperor C-Plus Augustus will be coming to an end soon -- barring, of course, the White House Counsel's discovery that executive privilege means never having to leave the Oval Office -- I'm also stricken with a sense of sadness that this long strange trip will soon be over.

Pretty soon, we're not going to have stories like this one coming out every day:

Success in Iraq is critical to U.S. national interests, which is why we've insisted on sending our best and brightest civilians there: loyal Republicans, young GOP political operatives, and in the case of Owen Cargol, a man who fancies himself "a rub-your-belly, grab-your-balls, give-you-a-hug, slap-your-back, pull-your-dick, squeeze-your-hand, cheek-your-face, and pat-your-thigh kind of guy."

...and, by God, we're going to miss the magic when it's gone.

Hard White Balls

Courtesy of Balloon Juice, I'm stunned to see that the tone-deaf McCain website is not only selling campaign-themed golf equipment, but that they're letting people post online reviews as well.

I doubt these will stay up for long, so check them out soon. John Cole has a few screen caps of comments at his place, and here's a sample. Click to enlarge.

Caption Contest

As long as he's still president, we'll still keep targeting him.

Have at him.

Fat Freda Was So Fat ....

This week's commenter draft over at Kissing Suzy Kolber involved game shows, which naturally led to a celebration of the "Match Game" in all its splendor.

Thought I'd post the theme song here in case you drew a blank.

For Whom the Tom Toles

Love That Joker

From the Economist's blog's coverage of tonight's speeches:

OK, I lied, there's one surprise: The terrifying death rictus grin-and-snicker after every joke line. I don't know whether Americans are ready to vote for Mr McCain, but I am prepared to pay him one million dollars not to release deadly Smilex gas over the New Year's Eve crowd at midnight.

"You Die, Joe!!!!"

If you thought President Bush could no longer disappoint you, well, here's a stunning little anecdote from the Washington Post:

Getting lost in the media furor over McClellan's memoir is the new autobiography of retired Lt. Gen. Ricardo S. Sanchez, the onetime commander of U.S. troops in Iraq, who is scathing in his assessment that the Bush administration "led America into a strategic blunder of historic proportions."

Among the anecdotes in "Wiser in Battle: A Soldier's Story" is an arresting portrait of Bush after four contractors were killed in Fallujah in 2004, triggering a fierce U.S. response that was reportedly egged on by the president.

During a videoconference with his national security team and generals, Sanchez writes, Bush launched into what he described as a "confused" pep talk:

"Kick ass!" he quotes the president as saying. "If somebody tries to stop the march to democracy, we will seek them out and kill them! We must be tougher than hell! This Vietnam stuff, this is not even close. It is a mind-set. We can't send that message. It's an excuse to prepare us for withdrawal."

"There is a series of moments and this is one of them. Our will is being tested, but we are resolute. We have a better way. Stay strong! Stay the course! Kill them! Be confident! Prevail! We are going to wipe them out! We are not blinking!"

A White House spokesman had no comment.

Yeah, I'm kind of speechless myself.

We've always ridiculed the intellect of C-Plus Augustus, but even I never really imagined him screaming empty slogans like a demented Mr. Sparkle spokesman. "We kill you one hundred percent! Do not mess with Texas prefecture!"

Young Hillary Clinton

Harvey Korman, R.I.P.

Bring It On

Sadly, No has a record of the greatest bitch-slap of all time. Enjoy.

Sorry, Charlie

If, like me, you thought ABC News's Charlie Gibson embarrassed himself, his profession and anyone remotely connected to him when he moderated the last, pathetic Democratic presidential debate, you'll want to check out this terrific Glenn Greenwald piece where he rips the everloving shit out of him. Read it all, but be sure to read the update.

Caption Contest

Bring it.

Randy Savage + Tommy Chong =

Tan Trousers and Red Shoes

Personal relationships were also on Mr. Bush’s mind as he arrived here in Jerusalem, just days after the May 10 wedding of his daughter, Jenna. His Israeli hosts were well aware of the nuptials; many greeted the president with the traditional Jewish offer of congratulations, “Mazel tov,” which means, “Good luck.” But Mr. Bush had clearly not brushed up on his Hebrew. Before he left the White House, two Israeli journalists opened an interview by congratulating him — in English. “Thank you,” Mr. Bush said. “It was — as my Jewish friends tell me, there was mazel tov.”

Getting in shape

I've got about 40 extra pounds that I could shed, so I'm in the market for an easy, fun way to lose weight. A late night of googling turned me on to this:



Just watching that made me work up a sweat, but after watching it the six or seventeenth time, I thought it might be some kind of fake.

Good news, everyone!

Restoring Pride to America

With the price of oil hitting record highs, President Bush will use a private
visit to King Abdullah’s ranch here Friday to make a second attempt to persuade
the Saudi government to increase oil production so that American consumers can
get some relief at the gasoline pump.

Yes, the (former) most powerful man in the world. Begging - twice.

The Max Power Presidency continues!!!!!

Pwned

Dead Parrot

If you haven't read Dana Milbank's take on the never-say-dead Clinton campaign, take a look.

O'Reilly Gone Wild

Stupidest Day of the Year

If every father were forced to take care of a baby for a few months, there would be no Mother's Day. We'd have Mother's Month, complete with daily parades and symphonies and fireworks. Every good parking spot in every parking lot in America would be designated for mothers only (you cripples would just have to suck it up).

But that ain't going to happen. We'll keep taking motherhood mostly for granted, value it less than we value curly fries, and look down at the ones who stay home with their infants instead of rushing back to some bullshit job that means approximately nothing next to the raising of a child.

Family values my ass. It took so long for us just to get the family medical leave act, which generously allows mothers (and fathers) to take unpaid leave to have a baby. In India, where millions of people still have to use the street as a toilet, women get 3 months of paid maternity leave (and, of course, free medical care). In Slovenia they get a year. F'in Slovenia.

But we'll give mothers this one day a year, that one card or phone call. (And even that seems to be too much for congressional republicans, who overwhelmingly voted against a resolution praising motherhood.) The rest of the year, they're on their own.

"I Bet She Thinks Ziggy's Gotten Too Preachy, Too!"

Courtesy of With Leather, I'd like to pass along news that Joe Montana is suing his former first wife for trying to sell a bunch of his college-years memorabilia -- including this poorly written and pathetically sad Ziggy card.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Me (But Never Cared Enough to Ask)

One of the perils of returning to Blogfrica is getting tagged with the latest meme the cool kids are huffing. Mike's just smacked me with this one, so here goes:

1) Ten years ago, I was...

Getting ready to move to Atlanta -- "Hotlanta," "Gritsville," "The City Too Humid to Hate," "Where Peachtree Meets Peachtree," etc. -- and observe local residents Studiodave and I-Rod up close and personal. I, and my liver, would never ever be the same.

2) Five things on today's to-do list:

*Coffee
*Spend the day with the girl
*Scream at cable anchors during MSNBC's primary day coverage
*More Coffee
*Go see Flight of the Conchords at Town Hall

3) Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

*Purchase Faux News and turn it over to a liberal populist like Thomas Frank.
*Give enough cash to Hillary Clinton to just give it up already.
*Hunt the world's most dangerous beast -- man.
*Mars, bitches! M-A-R-S!

4) Three bad habits:

*Too much coffee
*Not enough sleep
*Inability to see cause and effect

5) Five places I've lived:

*New York
*Atlanta
*Nashville
*The Land of Chocolate
*A Land Down Under

6) Six jobs I've had in my life:

*Busboy
*Waiter
*Bouncer
*Bartender
*Horse Whisperer
*Ghost Whisperer

Alright, that's half serious and all boring. I'm supposed to pass this thing on -- like a flu virus, I suppose -- so I'm going to cough all over the other folks here. Give us some details, boys.

Sex and the Capitol

By way of Digby, here's an absolutely brilliant piece by Lance Mannion on the sex-obsessed punditocracy.

Caption Contest

Sometimes, it's just too fucking easy.

But it's a lazy Sunday, so let's have a shot at the low-hanging fruit.

Privacy Wall

It took a while, but reality finally caught up to satire.

The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

100

The Republicans are all hepped up about this ad from the DNC:



They say McCain's full statement should have been quoted, which was this:

Maybe 100. As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me.

I'm not sure the extended quote makes McCain look any less crazy. What if Americans are killed? Will he cut and run?

"Hasta La Vista, Abey"

Check out this short clip of Faux News. They're trying to talk about the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but they put up a graphic of Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass, rather than his actual opponent Stephen Douglas.

Given the mouthbreathers who work there, I suppose we should congratulate them on not confusing Abraham Lincoln with Abraham Simpson.

Obama-Williams 2008

Hillary Clinton might have wrapped up the endorsement of North Carolina's governor, but Barack Obama picked up an even more important one the same day.

Update: Someone's mixed together the UNC scrimmage with one from Ft. Bragg, plus some high school games of Obama's, and set it all to Dilated Peoples.



Holy fuck, I can't believe we have a chance to have this man be president. I hear Hillary's working on a video of her playing shuffleboard to a soundtrack of Celine Dion.

Caption Contest

We have so much mockery to catch up on, so let's get to it.

Have at 'em.

Dick

From a Time piece on the White House Correspondents Dinner:

As is tradition, the president stood to do a short stand up act, which included the retelling of an old joke about Vice President Dick Cheney watching Bush through a peephole in the Oval Office door while masturbating. Such is the state of Washington humor.

Um, do what now?

Sunday Funny

"Uh, Son ... There Ain't No Draft No More."

For those of us who are diehard football fans -- as opposed to, you know, communist pederasts -- the NFL Draft looms as a wonderful oasis in the middle of the desert of the long, painful offseason.

The first day certainly didn't disappoint. Lots of interesting picks -- and I'm not just talking about Keyshawn Johnson's decision to let the Brooklyn School for the Blind dress him for the ESPN coverage. The Falcons turned the page on their glory days of dogfighting by taking a bland new quarterback, the Titans and Raiders continued their race to see who can put a dozen mediocre running backs on their roster at one time, and the Vikings managed to make it to the podium when their time was called.

Most important, my beloved Chiefs used their record-setting 84 picks well. I'm thrilled to have Glenn Dorsey on the squad, as I've always believed that a D-lineman whose names come from big band leaders of the 1940s is an unstoppable force. And the other picks are looking so solid, I'm convinced that Herm Edwards has been taken over by some sort of space alien. And I'm fine with that. Although, in the end, I'm confused by the new feeling I have. What's the opposite of a sense of impending doom?

What about the rest of you? Any thoughts?

First Round NBA Picks

Yeah, we're a few games in already. Sue me.

West

Lakers
Spurs
Hornets
Jazz

East

Wizards
Pistons
Celtics
Magic

Place your bets now.

Nature Red in Tooth and Stupidity

If you know a few hunters, then you've probably heard this one:

"If you aren't willing to hunt and kill an animal, you shouldn't eat meat."

What is this crap? If I want to get gas, do I need to first drill an oil well myself? See, I pay other people to do the drilling and pumping, just like I pay other people to do the killing and butchering of animals.

But killing an animal can get messy; if you can't handle the gore, you shouldn't be eating burgers, my hunter friends say. More nonsense. Treating sewage is pretty nasty too, but I don't think that's going to stop anyone from flushing.

Self-righteous hunters are just as annoying as self-righteous animal lovers, and their arguments are equally stupid. Maybe I should try this line on the next hunter who annoys me: Should you condone sending soldiers to fight and die in a war if you're not willing to go yourself?

(For the record, I think hunting is just fine, and most hunters are just fine. I'm just too lazy to hunt.)

The Wright Stuff

If you missed the excellent Bill Moyers interview with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, be sure to check it out. PBS has the video available here.

It's an exceptional piece, one that would embarrass the hell out of the corporate media if they had any sense of shame or integrity left. Of course, as we all know, Rupert Murdoch purchased both of those in a 1998 takeover.

Caption Contest

Oh, it's been far too long. Welcome back, old friend.

You know what to do. Have at him in the comments.

Popularity Contest

After months of the Clinton campaign's mind-numbing spin about all the different reasons Obama's many many wins don't count -- too many blacks in that state, too many college graduates in that one, that state's too small, that state ends in a vowel -- they've now decided that the real metric of these races is the popular vote.

And, hey, Hillary's found a way to count the popular vote that makes her the leader! First of all, you have to discount the caucus states. That's a dirty communist way to conduct an election, as any New York Senator not pandering for votes in Ames last winter would tell you. Second, you have to count the states that everyone agreed wouldn't count.

Clinton is including Michigan and Florida, primaries she won after all the candidates agreed to boycott the states for holding votes too early for party rules. Obama had his name pulled off the ballot in Michigan, so he doesn't get a single vote from that state.

"I'm very proud that as of today, I have received more votes by the people who have voted than anybody else, and I am proud of that," Clinton said at a rally in Indianapolis. "It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, then we are going to build on that."

What balls. "If you count as I count" might just be this year's version of "It depends on what the definition of 'is' is."

And remember the whole point of this. They're arguing that the popular vote is what matters -- and not, you know, the lame-ass "rules" that say that delegates are what matters -- so that they can convince the superdelegates to overturn the primary results. It's an argument that essentially says "Listen to the will of the people, and then tell them to go fuck themselves."

Brilliant. Looks like it's time for me to make another donation.

Update: The Daily Show just had an excellent segment on all this. Worth a look if you missed it.

O

Contrary to popular belief, this blog is no more dead than Terri Schaivo was before the liberal courts murdered her.

I have stirred from my waking nightmare known as parenthood to endorse Barack Obama. All others are crap.

Johnny E was my man for the White House, but after he racked up more losses than the DC Generals, I took a good look at Hillary and Barack. Although I used to be an anyone-but-Hillary type of guy, I was pretty impressed w/ her campaign in the early months, and I came to believe she'd make a pretty damned good president. I eventually settled on the Big O, but it was a close call for me.

My high opinion of HRC changed after Super Tuesday, when Team Hillary morphed into Team Rove. The last two or three months have been downright sickening. I know, Obama's done some mudslinging himself, but he's been bringing a knife to an IED fight. And don't give me the electability bullplop. McCain has no chance. Freakin' Nader could probably beat him. At least Nader hasn't been hugging W.

I loved Big Dog Clinton, but he had his flaws. Throwing his allies under the bus was one of them, a big one. No more triangles, dammit. I hate geometry.

Hillary doesn't need to stop campaigning. She just needs to stop campaigning like a Republican.

Mourn Ya 'Til I Join Ya

A recent comment by Mr. Furious over at Kissing Suzy Kolber reminded me that we never really provided a wrap-up for the blog. Technically, we never really decided to end it. We all got wrapped up in our "jobs" and "children" and "alcoholism" and basically let the blog wither away into nothingness. We never talked about killing it; we all just drifted away. We might revive it at some point, but for now ... eh.

As I said at KSK, I wish we'd ended it better. We all started phoning it in the final months, and started to look like Fat Elvis circa June 1977, bloated beyond recognition on fried peanut butter & bananner sammiches and fistfuls of barbiturates. So rather than remember us at that stage, feel free to dig through the archives for some of our better efforts and remember us in our prime.

The first year's passable moments are wrapped up in a tidy package for you here; we never did a second-year wrap-up, so have at the monthly breakdowns.

But really, if you're this bored, you should consider volunteering at your local library. Reading is fundamental, people!

Technical Difficulties

I've been meaning to post this for a couple days -- or months, or something -- but it looks like the blog is going on an indeterminate hiatus for a while.

In the meantime, you can catch my wittisms in the comments at various political and sports blogs, I-Rod's work in the Letters to the Editor column of Soldier of Fortune, Thrillhous's musings in his day job as the author of the "Nancy" comic strip, and Studiodave's thoughtful commentary in the pages of Penthouse Forum. Enjoy!