Great moments in headline writing

Penis set on fire with fondue fuel

Saddam Fan of "Kids in the Hall"

Or something like that....

Their Own Worst Enemies

At the rate the incumbent Republicans are going, I'm liking the Democrats' chances this fall.

The latest? TPM has a nice find on the latest racial sensitivity lesson from Sen. Felix Allen (R-Deep Macaca), while Kos has a terrific video of how Sen. Conrad Burns (R-Grampa Simpson) spent his summer vacation. Priceless.

As nice as it is to see these two schmucks self-destruct, the races aren't over by a longshot and every little bit of contributing or volunteering is still desperately needed. Act now, or live under the rule of these schmucks for another six years.

Five Years Later

The fifth anniversary of 9/11 is coming to a close, but I'd be remiss if I didn't pass along two pieces of pure patriotism to commemorate the event.

First of all, yet another incredible piece by Keith Olbermann. God bless him.

And second, this wonderful Driftglass post I found over in the comments at Sadly, No.

Caption Contest

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. I didn't think we'd be marking the fifth anniversary of 9/11 with a flippant caption contest, but the Decider has put his foot down, dammit!

Remember, if you don't mock him, then the terrorists have already won.

He's Just Not That Into You

Sorry, Osama, but it's true.

A nice little bombshell from Dana Priest at the Washington Post:

Intelligence officials think that bin Laden is hiding in the northern reaches of the autonomous tribal region along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. This calculation is based largely on a lack of activity elsewhere and on other intelligence, including a videotape, obtained exclusively by the CIA and not previously reported, that shows bin Laden walking on a trail toward Pakistan at the end of the battle of Tora Bora in December 2001, when U.S. forces came close but failed to capture him.
...

That was December 2001. Only two months later, Bush decided to pull out most of the special operations troops and their CIA counterparts in the paramilitary division that were leading the hunt for bin Laden in Afghanistan to prepare for war in Iraq, said Flynt L. Leverett, then an expert on the Middle East at the National Security Council.

"I was appalled when I learned about it," said Leverett, who has become an outspoken critic of the administration's counterterrorism policy. "I don't know of anyone who thought it was a good idea. It's very likely that bin Laden would be dead or in American custody if we hadn't done that."

I love the irony that the revelation that Bush really did have Osama in his sights and really did let him go is coming out the same day that ABC is showing its fictionalized "docudrama" which purports that Clinton had Osama in his sights but let him go. But no worries. I'm sure more Americans read the Washington Post than watch ABC, right?

Home Improvement II: Don’t Do What Donny Don’t Does

Fresh from my smashing success of installing a pedestal sink, I’ve had to tackle another project. Our electric clothes dryer started making a tremendous racket last week, and it was making it difficult to fully enjoy the witty dialog of my favorite cartoon, Dungeons and Dragons. Oh Eric the Paladin Cavalier, will you ever learn?

This isn’t my first confrontation with the dryer over noise issues -- it has a buzzer that goes off when it’s done drying. Well, “buzzer” doesn’t seem quite right; it’s more of a screaming, soul-crushing thunder howl. Every damned time that thing went off I lost hairs and urine, but there was no switch to turn it off. What were the wizards at Whirlpool thinking? After several attempts at locating the source of the claxon ex machina, I found the right spot and disconnected the wires. Much better.

This new noise was different, a grinding sound that suggested all sorts of bad things going on inside there. Clearly, it was time for another showdown with the White Menace. I provide these useful instructions so that you will know how to handle a similar situation in your own home.

1) It’s best if you buy a book on fixing common household appliances. A good book, such as one from the Readers Digest series, will save you time and aggravation. You will quickly recoup the cost of the book by fixing things right the first time.

2) Assuming you’d rather eat glass than buy a book telling you what to do, just start unscrewing stuff. There’s really not that many screws on a dryer, so you’ll get where you need to soon enough.

3) Do NOT unscrew screws willy-nilly. You will end up breaking stuff you didn’t even know you could break.

4) Metal conducts electricity. Throw the circuit breaker for the dryer before you do anything else. Otherwise you’re in for some very unpleasant electrical shocks, probably while you’re up to your elbow in sharp metal bits. This ain’t delivering a calf; you do NOT want to yank your arm out of there, because you’re going to lose skin if you make any sudden moves.

5) Skin grows back pretty fast, and the wounds look pretty cool without being all that serious. Beers will help with the pain.

6) Do NOT drink while working on the dryer.

7) Lordy is lint flammable. Do NOT even think about working on the dryer until you’ve vacuumed out every last mote in there, otherwise you run the risk of a fire you can’t blow out or douse with water.

8) Once the fire has caught, do NOT grab at balls of burning lint to put out the fire. The smoldering lint will stick to you hands and keep right on burning. This hurts quite a bit.

9) Whatever you do, do NOT tell your wife about any temporary setbacks, or else she’ll threaten to call a “professional.” The last thing you want to do is explain to a smirking technician why the dryer door is in upside down.

That’s your basic instructions. Augment as necessary, depending on what your problem is. Turned out my problem was the fan that blows the hot air through the dryer. The blade isn’t staying right on its axis, so it’s beating on the fan’s frame. I wasn’t able to make the racket go away, but I was able to repair the heating coil that I busted, so I’m calling this one a draw. Once my platelet count is back up to normal I’ll take another shot at it.

Nerdlinger update: Mrs. T, queen of all things D&D cartoon-related, informs me that Eric was not a Paladin; he was a Cavalier. The Cavalier class (as well as the Barbarian) was not officially part of the D&D role-playing game until Unearthed Arcana was released, so you can see why I would make that mistake. As Uni would say, "baaaaaa!!"

Quantum Boggs

I've always felt that the Quantum Leap superpowers were wasted on nice guy Scott Bakula, who's not to be confused with not-so-nice guy Blackula, so it's nice to see that they're now in the possession of one Wade Boggs. True, he could've picked someone more deserving of help than Dan Marino -- which is pretty much anyone this side of Hitler -- but it's all good.

I have no proof, but I believe this comes from the same people who gave us the beauty of Yacht Rock. Same titles, same camera work, same crappy '70s mustaches. Enjoy.

(N.B.: Very brief nudity around 2:45. Thanks to the fine folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber for finding this nugget of love.)

Friday Random Ten

You may have read the news reports about Don Paulin before, but here he is in all his button-down, well-groomed, white-bread glory.

And thank God that he's here. How else would we ever be able to hear the songs of minorities? It's not like they've ever exhibited an interest in, or capacity for, recording their own musical creations. I think we all owe Don Paulin a debt of gratitude for doing what no other white musician would dare to do -- cover the songs of African Americans and present them as his own. Kudos!

An appearance by The Man can only mean that it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Bob and Earl, "Harlem Shuffle" -- This song is perhaps best known for two other tunes it inspired. The opening horn blast is the one used over and over again in House of Pain's "Jump Around," while the Rolling Stones did a cover of the whole song on their 1,374th album. But this is the real deal, baby, and it's a stone cold groove. 9/10

2. Grand Puba, "360 Degrees (What Goes Around)" -- Grand Puba pretty much disappeared along with his group Brand Nubian, after a brief spark of brilliance in the early '90s. They were part of that "five-percent nation" movement in hiphop, the Afrocentric, dashiki-wearing movement. Remember that? Man, college was great. 6/10

3. Belle & Sebastian, "I Could Be Dreaming" -- Tigermilk is my favorite album by these kids, and this is one of the many reasons why. Peppy indie pop that's so happy I almost want to punch it. Almost. 8/10

4. Replacements, "Bastards of Young" -- Some classic 'Mats from their hangover of an album, Tim. Remember that? Man, high school sucked. 7/10

5. Graham Central Station, "Hair" -- Great funk from the band that Larry Graham formed after departing Sly and the Family Stone. As hard as it is for a spinoff to live up to the original, this one comes close. Consider this the "Facts of Life" to Sly's "Diff'rent Strokes." 8/10

6. Mitch Ryder, "Breakout" -- Some pretty decent soul from the folks who brought you "Devil With a Blue Dress On." Nothing spectacular, but it gets the job done. 6/10

7. Johnny Cash, "25 Minutes to Go" -- The darkest, creepiest countdown you've ever heard, sung from the perspective of a man awaiting his own hanging. Cash really should've written more children's songs. He clearly has a knack for it. 6/10

8. Cat Power, "The Greatest" -- Chan Marshall may be borderline crazy and a complete flake at her live performances, but when she's on, she's phenomenal. Unlike the store Stoner's Pot Palace, this song's title is not false advertising. 9/10

9. U.N.K.L.E. with South, "Suicide" -- A nice bit of electronica from the brilliant Sexy Beast soundtrack. Truth be told, the best part of this is the badass cockney thug monologue by Ben Kingsley. But the driving beat is fantastic too. 7/10

10. Black Sabbath, "Sweet Leaf" -- Oh, Lordy, I just made Thrillhous's week. I'm not really sure what this song is about. Oregano, I think. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.5 average. Once again, I've demonstrated that I'm only three-quarters cool, much like one of the lesser Baldwin brothers.

Let's see if you can do any better. Drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments below, with or without the Coolness Self Audit. Don Paulin would want it that way.

Now My Pants Are Chafing Me ...

In honor of the imminent start to the glory that is known as the NFL season, I'd like to pass along this bit of football news:

DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.

Police in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn said Joe Cullen, who coaches the team's defensive line, was pulled over Aug. 24 and ticketed on suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct. The ticket does not provide any other information about why Cullen allegedly was nude. The Lions said alcohol was involved.

Then, on Sept. 1, police stopped his 2006 Ford Explorer and determined he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.12 percent, court records show. The legal limit for drivers in Michigan in 0.08 percent.

I know they said Mike Martz was going to bring a wide-open approach to the Lions this season, but I didn't realize it would be that wide open.

Hopefully, this can become a team tradition, like playing on Thanksgiving day and, oh, having eight losses by the time they play on Thanksgiving day.

The 38-year-old, who was hired from the University of Illinois, issued a statement Wednesday to apologize.

"I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused," he said. "These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won't happen again."

Cullen was fired from the University of Mississippi in 2005 after an alcohol-related arrest at a restaurant. Mississippi Athletic Director Pete Boone told the Detroit Free Press on Wednesday that no one from the Lions contacted him for a reference.

Wow. Nice to see that Matt Millen isn't just incompetent when it comes to recruiting players, but that he's also horrible at judging the character of his coaches.

This guy got fired from Ole Miss for an alcohol-related incident? Has anyone here ever been to an Ole Miss game? They won't let you in the gate unless you can prove a 0.08 BAC or else show proof of purchase for a Value Jug of Southern Comfort. I mean, for chrissakes, this guy is still the program's poster boy. I'm pretty sure when Ole Miss thinks you're too much of a drunk, the state is actually required by law to check you into a rehab center.

And yet once again, professional George Papadapoulous lookalike Matt Millen shows that there's no idiot or assclown that he won't bet the house on.

God, I love this game.

Caption Contest

I know we usually use political pictures here for the caption contests, but this one is just too weird to let pass by.

Have at it, folks.

Wanted: Dead or ... Whatever

Well, it's official. I've run out of outrage.

Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted man, will not face capture in Pakistan if he agrees to lead a "peaceful life," Pakistani officials tell ABC News.

The surprising announcement comes as Pakistani army officials announced they were pulling their troops out of the North Waziristan region as part of a "peace deal" with the Taliban.

If he is in Pakistan, bin Laden "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen." ....

In addition to the pullout of Pakistani troops, the "peace agreement" between Pakistan and the Taliban also provides for the Pakistani army to return captured Taliban weapons and prisoners.

"What this means is that the Taliban and al Qaeda leadership have effectively carved out a sanctuary inside Pakistan," said ABC News consultant Richard Clarke, the former White House counter-terrorism director.

The agreement was signed on the same day President Bush said the United States was working with its allies "to deny terrorists the enclaves they seek to establish in ungoverned areas across the world." ....

Nice to see Bush is still on top of all this stuff. And, hey, thank God the Taliban isn't finding a welcome home in an unstable Muslim country with nuclear weapons.

On second thought, I may have uncovered new reserves of outrage. Where's the damned bourbon?

Now Hear This, Pt. 2

The Bush administration keeps setting him up, and Keith Olbermann just keeps knocking them out of the park.

Update: Check out Wesley Clark and Max Cleland too. There must be something in the water.

The Madman in the Mirror

I've always found it odd that the religious fundamentalists here at home and the religious fundamentalists in the Middle East had so much in common -- religious influence over the state, scriptural basis for legislation, repressive views of women's rights, outright condemnation of homosexuality, etc. etc. -- and yet continued to see each other as mortal enemies.

Obviously, the biggest issue to them is the brand of fundamentalism they each advance, but once you get past that oh-so-minor detail of whether the One True God is Jesus Christ or Allah, well, the worldviews look quite similar.

In fact, when you get right down to it, the disagreement between Christian fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists is about as wide as the one between rednecks who consider themselves bitterly divided over their tribal loyalties to Ford or Chevy trucks. Just like both sides in the fundamentalist debate are positive that God is on their side, both camps in the Great Truck-Off believe that the urinating Calvin sticker is on their side too.

Lately, though, the similarities between Christian and Islamic fundies are getting too numerous to count. Here's the latest from Iran. You can practically hear Falwell and Robertson applauding:

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran's hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Tuesday for a purge of liberal and secular teachers from the country's universities ....

"Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers are present in the universities," the agency quoted Ahmadinejad as saying during a meeting with a group of students. Ahmadinejad complained that changes in the country's universities were difficult to accomplish and that the country's educational system had been affected by secularism for the last 150 years, but said "such a change has begun."

Earlier this year, Iran retired dozens of liberal university professors and teachers. And last November, Ahmadinejad's administration for the first time named a cleric to head the country's oldest university in Tehran amid protests by students over the appointment.

Given the fundamentalist regime's history of cracking down on liberal and secular voices since 1979, this is about as surprising as the Crocodile Hunter's recent death by animal attack. But our friends on the right like to think that All Things Bad are diametrically opposed to what they believe in, so I'm sure this news will make some of their heads explode.

But here's the clincher:

The developments followed a campaign promise by Ahmadinejad for a more Islamic-oriented country. He took office last August.

Since then, Ahmadinejad also has been replacing pragmatic veterans in the government with former military commanders and inexperienced religious hard-liners.

Hmmm. Stocking the government with inexperienced religious hard-liners? Don't look now, Saudi princelings, but George Bush may just have a new hand-holding bestest buddy.

Worst. Films. Ever.

Over at the Poor Man, the Editors have started an epic journey we're all going to want to watch.

Dog Bites Man

Well, something like that. I know I'm going to hell for this, but is anyone out there even remotely surprised by this man's death?

Caption Contest

In the spirit of Labor Day weekend, we're pretty much phoning it in.

And what better way to do that than with another lazy Caption Contest? Give it to him big time.

How to Tell When StudioDave Is in Town

Dude, why didn't you give me a call? We coulda hung out.

Gas Smell Permeates Northern Va. Neighborhoods

WASHINGTON -- Residents in Fairfax and Loudoun Counties had to put up with the smell of gas for quite awhile over the weekend.

Residents and business owners in parts of Sterling, Ashburn and Western Fairfax reported smelling gas starting on Saturday afternoon.

Felix Fallout with Falwell?

The wife forwarded me a Forbes article about Jerry "the gays caused 9/11" Falwell, who is based out of southeast Virginia. After she told me 18 times that it was not a joke, I had to click through and see for myself.

Ten weeks before election day, conservative TV evangelist Jerry Falwell is heaping surprising praise on the Democrat opposing Sen. George Allen's re-election bid in Virginia. In an interview on Forbes.com, Falwell, 73, makes his first comments about Allen's opponent, James Webb. Falwell says he disagrees with Webb on social issues, but gives the politician a personal ranking of "A-."

Many, many Virginians, especially the more rural folks, listen to what Falwell has to say. I know he seems like a nut to most of us, but the other 90% of what he says, the stuff you don't hear about, really resonates here. This praise for Webb is significant. I'm not his target audience, so my interpretation is suspect, but here's the message I'm hearing: if you want to vote for Webb instead of Felix, it's no skin off Falwell's back.

Correction: Thanks to Otto Man for de-balling me in the comments. Falwell's base of operations is Lynchburg, a town in which I have had motion sickness several times; it's in south-central VA.

Macacca madness update: Via Tbogg, Allen preemptively took his name out of the running for an award from the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund because of protests by donors to the fund. Felix says: "I regret that there are those who would put their personal or political dislike of me ahead of the needs of deserving students. . . ." That's right, George Jr. What those kids needed most -- nay, deserved -- was a speech from you. The scholarship money is totally secondary.

Friday Random Ten

With the start of the NFL season just one tantalizing week away, it seems like it's time -- at long last -- to drop this incredible turd of an album on all of you.

Now, you may remember Terry Bradshaw from such careers as quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, football analyst with the semiretarded Fox NFL zoo crew, or perhaps even his stint as the only actor who could make chronic stutterer Mel Tillis look like silver-tongued performer.

Despite all that, the odds are tragically good that you may not have heard Terry Bradshaw's angelic singing voice.

Well, here it is. Go bask in its tragedy. We'll wait.

Done?

Yeah, me too. In fact, after that, I may be done forever.

It can only improve from here, so let's get rolling with the Friday Random Ten. If you're just emerging from a coma, here's how you play. Take out your iWhatever, set it on random, and give us the first ten songs that pop up. If you want to get all fancy with it, you can also conduct a relatively painless Coolness Self-Audit by ranking the songs on a scale of 1 to 10. (N.B.: Do not attempt to use heavy machinery while conducting the Coolness Self-Audit. But by all means, do attempt to use heavy metal.)

Alright, here's mine.

1. Common feat. Laetitia Sadler from Stereolab, "New Wave" -- This may be the greatest merger of talent since chocolate first combined with milk. I never would've imagined these two getting together to record a song, but it works quite well. The verses are a little sparse, but the combined chorus is absofuckinglutely amazing. 10/10

2. The Cure, "Love Cats" -- There was a weird moment back in the late '80s when all of our high school alternative favorites poked their head into the mainstream. The Smiths, R.E.M., and all the rest had a semi-hit, and this was clearly the Cure's. On the bright side, the video for this song had the only dance that was easier than the Ickey Shuffle. 6/10

3. Iggy Pop, "The Passenger" -- I love the breadth of Iggy Pop's career, back to the first Stooges album, but this may well be my favorite song of his. Catchy hook, driving beat, and some nice dead-eyes vocals. 10/10

4. Al Green, "Here I Am (Come and Take Me)" -- Damn, it's nothing but hits today. You can't go wrong with the Reverend, unless of course you're coming off a bad breakup. There may be no other artist whose repertoire is so wholly about love and marriage. Listening to his greatest hits after a relationship's tragic end must be like the scene from "Better Off Dead" where the radio plays nothing but love songs. 7/10

5. Weezer, "In My Garage" -- This song comes dangerously close to describing my junior high years. "I've got Dungeon Master's Guide / I've got 12-sided die / I've got Kitty Pryde / And Nightcrawler too / Waiting there for me / Yes I do, I do // I've got posters on the wall / My favorite rock group KISS / I've got Ace Frehley / I've got Peter Criss / Waiting there for me." Man, good thing I managed to turn out so cool. Right? Right?!? 8/10

6. Eric B. and Rakim, "I Ain't No Joke" -- Goddamn, what a great song. Stunningly sparse beats and a great horn hook from former presidential nominee Eric B., with his running mate Rakim dropping enough science to merit the Nobel Prize. 10/10

7. Electric Light Orchestra, "Evil Woman" -- Although the difference between this song and the last one is about as big as Jeff Lynne's afro, I still love it. ELO embodies the very finest in 1970s pop excess -- lush orchestral arrangements, way too much synthesizer, and high-soaring, estrogen-laden male vocals -- but, dammit, it works. I believe that now that the New Wave revival has faded, the next bit of our musical past to be re-embraced is the ELO shtick. Brace yourselves! 8/10

8. The Go! Team, "Ladyflash" -- Some poppy, happy, electropop from the UK. Not exactly earth-shattering, but it does what it sets out to do fairly well. 6/10

9. Cibo Matto, "Moonchild" -- I know the debut album is supposed to be their best, but I've always had a soft spot for Stereo Type A. Sweet vocals, light hooks, and the wholesome goodness of Miho Hatori. Very nice. 9/10

10. The National, "Looking for Astronauts" -- I can't remember who recommended this piece of crap band to me, and that's probably a good thing. 1/10

Well, I had a nice run going until that last song screwed it up for me, but even then I wound up with a 7.5 average. I'm officially three-quarters cool, much in the same way the nepotism pop supergroup Wilson Phillips was two-thirds hot. I can live with that.

Alright, folks. Let's see what you've got. Go ahead and drop your own FRT in the comments below, or else feel free to expound on what I bungled here.