I’m installing a pedestal sink in the guest bathroom this weekend. I’ve seen TV shows on home improvement, and they all suck. Where’s the cussing? Where’s the blood? Where’s the 4 inches of butt crack? I figure the world could use some real home improvement instructions, so move over, Norm Abrams!
- Go to Home Despot. Select sink and pedestal.
- Look for Home Despot Team Member to answer a couple questions about the sink.
- Contain growing rage at inability to find Team Member.
- Having finally gotten the attention of a Team Member, spend 15 minutes determining that said Member would need two assistant managers and a vice president to find his own butt with both hands. Dismiss Team Member, commence ripping open boxes to answer questions for self.
- Also purchase 3 ft x 5 ft water-resistant backer board to install in wall behind sink.
- Once at car, discover that neither the Despot, Toyota, nor God ever meant for a 3 x 5 sheet of anything to fit in the back seat of a ’97 Camry.
- Using skills learned at liberal educational institutions, disprove the existence of god and repudiate the conformity standards foisted upon us by corporate overlords. Bash a couple feet off the end of the backer board. Ignore stares and crying children.
- Once home, celebrate by drinking 10 beers. Not only is this a just reward, the alcohol will help deaden the pain of the various injuries to be sustained later.
Update 1. There is an ancient Chinese home improvement proverb: Measure twice, cut once. I revise and extend: Measure twice, cut once; measure again, cut again; measure again, step on nail with bare foot; lower your standards, accept the cuts you have made, get on with life.
Update 2. Toilet seats rarely make good work surfaces.
Update 3. Neither call yourself a weekend warrior nor dub your improvement a weekend project. This sets expectations far, far too high.
Update 4. My toilet is white, so I got a white sink. Somehow, the sink is whiter than the toilet. At first I thought it was cuz I'd been looking at these illusions for a few hours, but the wife confirms. There is no emoticon to express the emotions I am feeling.
Update 5. The step they spend the least amount of time on in the instructions is the one you'll spend the most time struggling with. "Level the sink and pedestal" my ass.
20 comments:
Flip this house!
Keeps it real House. I thought I was the only one who reserves only my most pure hatred for Home Depot. Sadly, they are entering the mortgage business so soon they will own your house as well.
I have NEVER had a positive experience there. Yet, I return. (shame)
The best part about this project is that I can't participate--big belly, small space. What'll be better about our next project (painting) is that I'll be kicked out entirely, and have to kill time in a large, air-conditioned walking facility (AKA the mall) that just happens to have lots of cute baby clothes. I might think about going to the library if he didn't drink beer in front of me!!!
Well, I flipped the car already, so I think I'm all flipped out for right now.
Yeah Studio, the despot is always a trial of frustration and shame. It's the only place where I just open up boxes to try to find answers. For all the talk of Al Qaeda rejoicing everytime the new york times criticizes W, I think nothing brings a smile to Osama's face like the rising stock price of the despot.
Lowes is a little better, but it's still like a Thai prison versus a Turkish one.
Mrs. T, how does my beering interfere with your librarying? It doesn't seem to affect our churching none.
How come I have to remember to put the toilet seat down, but mrs. T can't remember to log out of blogger?
Best laugh I've had in days! And so dead-on true.
I've kept an eye out at H.D. and Lowe's for luckless Team Member wannabes wandering the parking lot, shaking their head about not being hired — because they've had all kinds of training and experience doing home improvements and repairs And because they had let it slip they like talking to and assisting people.
You mean all those Home Depot people, who they claim are former professionals from the building trades, actually have no clue? I am shocked!
My wife once went with me to the 'Depot. (mistake 1) When I couldn't immediately find what I was looking for, she started to rag on me for not asking. Of course once I caved and asked (mistake 2) the dude, (who was supposedly a former plumber, because he worked in the plumbing department, right?) gave me totally wrong information.
I have plumbed like 3 items and I know you cannot thread steel pipe to copper, without brass or bronze in-between. It totally reacts and corrodes –quickly. My main water line into my house almost failed because some idiot did this.
So anyway, this former professional decides to hand me a copper fitting for my new hose spigot, which is steel. (or the opposite, I cannot remember) When I tell him that it will not work, the former professional plumber decides to argue with me. At this point my wife is pissed because I guess I am being rude. OK, fine when this pipe bursts, will Home Depot come and pump out my basement? I think not. So I just look at this guy like he’s an idiot and walk away to another aisle to find what I needed. Of course I got yelled at some more for being rude as I find the proper fitting. I am not saying that everyone should know this kind of thing. I just think that if the ‘Depot is going to advertise that their salespeople are former professionals, then their people should know a little more than me. Or at least the basics. Or at least how to tie their shoes.
Oh, by the way, ever notice that Home Depot rings you up for a higher price over what’s marked like half the time you go there? Check your receipts.
Man, Bob, that story sounds familiar.
Maybe we should think about forming some sort of support group for Despot shoppers.
Bob, considering the wide, deep gulf between what plumbers and big-box store clerks make, you really have to wonder why any competent plumber would drop his extremely lucrative trade to go work at Home Depot.
Now, if we're talking about a really bad plumber . . .
You forgot the part where you get home and realize that you need some obscure tool or fastener and need to return to Home Depot. Then you get home and realize that the obscure fastener should have been a 7/16 instead of a 1/2.
Then you get home and realize that the obscure fastener should have been a 7/16 instead of a 1/2.
Ahhh, the tripback. I generally average 2 to 3 tripbacks to the despot per project. My favorite trick is to eyeball the size of the fastener at home, assuming that I'll have no problem picking out the right piece from the dozen different sizes available. Somehow, that never works.
Nice work, Thrillhous. You might want to let our readers know that this is part of your plan to install a commode in every room in your house, because there's never one handy when you need one.
Just clicked on the picture. Bonus points for power point ablilty.
Good call, Otto. I hear that the internet's got tubes running all over my apartment. I'll see if I can tap into those for the toilets.
Thanks iRod, I was hoping someone would notice that! Before I added that, I felt the graphic just wasn't in-your-face enough.
Thrill-
Just remember - appropriately placed caulk will cure a multitude of sins.
Hey, that Grand Illusions link is actually very cool. I think the dragon's head is still following me.
I finally clicked on the Power Point. That's where hte poo goes? No wonder Malibu Stacy is so mad at me.
Bob, you said it about the caulk. It's right up there with duct tape for world's most useful tools for incompetent home repairers. If it can't be caulked or taped, it just ain't getting fixed.
Otto, make sure you tell Stacy that I was just marking the suggested location for poo. Free spirits will poo where they please.
I took it up a notch and made me my own little dragon. He's sitting on top of my computer. I've named him "Bitey".
You HD haters might be happy to know that their stock price (and Lowe's's) is down.
I'm not sure that spending at these stores will decrease due to consumers feeling their home equity slip away--don't people shop there so they can do it themselves on the cheap?
A while ago, I tried to ask an HD guy (who was sitting around) a question about their kitchen stuff, and he snottily told me that I had to make an appointment to talk to a designer. I did so--at IKEA. Take that, HD!
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