I Have . . . Ham Radio

Okay, I'm trying out this so-called youtube thing. Hope it works. Pretty good commercial about senator Felix and his stellar race relations.

I am lord of the internets.

Put On Side 2 Of "Led Zeppelin 4"

It brings me joy to announce that one of the LLPON editors (T'House) will be a father in the near future. While there are any number of sources of good and quality advice (Bill Cosby's "Fatherhood", Paul Riser's "Parenthood", John Singleton's "Boys in the Hood", and Katherine Hepburn's "Me"), I figured I'd ask the larger community for their insights on raising children. Note : Cliches and snappy Sinbadesque material is to be mercilessly mocked - we are looking for the truth.

(1) You will be poor. Like Sally Struthers recording outside your doorstep poor.

(2) You will get fat. Forget the women - they get attention and understanding. But thanks to the sense of pending doom (mostly caused by poverty) when your very pregnant wife orders one of everything from the menu - something deep down will tell you to finish it all. It's like how I imagine bears feel before the winter; or how Dick Cheney feels around innocence - consume at all costs.

(3) This is not about you. You thought the whole wedding thing stole your thunder. Man, get ready to be assigned to that "Ensign #4 on the away team" status. Unless, of course, there is the discussion of fixing something in the house, killing a spider, or the kid has been a major league pain in the butt - and you're home from work.

(4) You miss cussing. Embarrassingly, you will now think "I have to T.T."

(5) Burping outloud in your own house will be rebellious. Just like farting on a wooden pew in church, people will now look like you have done something wrong.

(6) Pornography will require more security than the CDC. Back of the sock drawer? Too simple. Under the mattress? Please. I will have you know the "Da Vinci Code" took pointers from me for hiding sacred artifacts.

(7) Other people's kids. Now that you have kids and the fact you go to sleep at 9:30, your fun / single kids no longer return your calls. You can only talk to people "of your kind." You will have to listen to stories where other dads tell you how tough their boys are, but you look away when your girl pushes the boy down and he screams like a woman.

(8) You will get dumb. I now sound like Carl from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" when asking my kids why did they ... draw with permanent marker on my car, pour bleach on the carpet, throw flour around the kitchen because they want to pretend its snowing, put grass clippings in my glove compartment, open the bathroom door while I'm going #2.

Miracle of life.

K.O., Indeed

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, I know. But go listen to Keith Olbermann. Yet another knockout.

Excommunication

Via Juan Cole, I see that the United Methodist Church has called for an immediate withdrawl from Iraq.

So, why is some church who puts stock in all that "blessed are the peacemakers" claptrap newsworthy? Because George W. Bush is a member.

US President George W. Bush’s own church has called for the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and is urging direct action to end the war.

Writes Mark Schoeff Jr: United Methodist Church leaders helped launch a week of protest and civil disobedience against the war in Iraq by signing a declaration of peace in the capital, urging President Bush to pull US troops out of the country.

Direct action? That sounds a lot like civil disobedience to me. Maybe we could have the spectacle of the president abducting and torturing the leaders of his own church in the name of national security.

I look forward to all pundits everywhere to talk about how good Methodists can only vote for anti-war candidates or be faced with excommunication.

Correction - Felix Allen Did Play College Ball

A few days ago I ripped into that California redneck George Allen for all his football talk, stating that he hadn't played past high school. I was wrong. He was on the team at UCLA, and he even had a football scholarship there. That's actually pretty impressive. Now, he didn't play there, and when he transferred to UVA he was mainly in charge of carrying the jock of the team's starting QB (who happened to be black) -- and the team averaged about 3 wins a year during his stay. Still, he was on the team and thus is not overstating his football background as much as I said he was.

Found this out in a Salon article in which we learn - shock of shocks - some of his teammates remember him being quite fond of the "n" word, although Allen says he's never ever used that word. I can't wait for his next tearful apology on CNN.

By the way, did any of y'all catch that? He got all blubbery about how he's seen the light and will spend the rest of his life fighting racism. Kinda made me think of when OJ vowed to devote his life to finding his wife's killer. Apparently he's got a hot tip that the killer spends a lot of time on golf courses. I bet that's where Allen goes to fight racism, too.

15 Years Ago Today - Nevermind

On this date in 1991, Nirvana's "Nevermind" was released. While, I may not have this album in my personal top 10 albums of all time - it marks a window of time. A time where pop music was scrapping the bottom of the gutter for "talent." (See the below Top 10 for that week.)

1. I Adore Mi Amor - Color Me Badd
2. Things That Make You Go Hmmmm... - C&C Music Factory
3. Good Vibrations - Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch
4. Motownphilly - Boyz II Men
5. The Promise Of A New Day - Paula Abdul
6. Time, Love And Tenderness - Michael Bolton
7. Too Many Walls - Cathy Dennis
8. Now That We Found Love - Heavy D. & The Boyz
9. The Motown Song - Rod Stewart
10. Love Of A Lifetime - Firehouse

And second - I am becoming old. No longer just a mature, young adult. To put things in perspective, I was listening to Soundgarden's "Superunknown" in the office the other day and someone that works in the office came over and said, "Is that Soundgarden? My parents used to listen to that. It came out when I was like 8." Nice.

Please feel free to drop in your recollections of "Nevermind." As for me, I remember thinking it was nice that I could start watching MTV and not feeling the urge to vomit. And that maybe I could be the mediocre bassist for a mega hit band. Seriously, if Krist Novoselic could do it, I sure as hell could. ...And then I could get laid - but probably not.

Sgt. Hulka's Big Toe

Good News for Rumsfeld:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Army is ending its best recruiting year since 1997 and expecting similar success in 2007, despite the weight of grim war news from Iraq, Army Secretary Francis Harvey said Thursday.

Bad News for Everyone Else:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Army this year began allowing people as old as 42 to enter the service; the maximum age previously was 35.

The Army also has accepted a larger number of recruits whose score on a standardized aptitude test is at the lower end of the acceptable range, and it has granted waivers to permit the enlistment of people with criminal records that otherwise would disqualify them.

Analysis:

Let's recall the logic for the Army's recruiting strategy.

(1) We don't recruit older people because its disruptive to the work force (read: hurts the economy) and families with children (I think this incorporates "family values").

(2) We target highly intelligent people because we have all this high-end technology (you remember Rummy's efficiency strategy for the army?) and not just anyone can learn it.

(3) We don't recruit criminals. This is probably straight forward. But if you are handing someone a gun, you probably want a high probability they won't use their peers as target practice.

Finally, in all seriousness, I cannot express the gratitude I have for people in the military. This post is not in the least critical of the people in the military - the criticism is for Rumsfeld, Cheney, and the Decider.

Simply put - We are now dealing with the long-term impacts of the tragic combination of epic ineptitude and hubris.

The fact that disrupting the economy, breaking up families, lowering the skills, and adding criminals to the army is all better than letting in gays (without criminal records, intelligent, no children, in their 20s) - baffles me to no end....

Friday Random Ten

I don't know much at all about the funk superhero known as Capt. Sky. But judging by his name and his flame-retardant, flaming-retarded outfit, I'd have to guess that he's the low-budget version of Earth, Wind and Fire. Sort of the knockoff Mr. Pibb to their original Dr. Pepper.

And, on closer inspection, I'm a little worried about where the smoke trails are coming from. "Concerned Party No. 1"? Sorry, Captain, but I think we should all be concerned about number two.

The triumphant arrival of Capt. Sky -- and his World of Tomorrow -- can only mean that it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Billy Preston, "John Henry" -- Sure, Preston's a favorite for his work with the Beatles and his nice solo funk. But this song is pure genius for the simple fact that it's essentially a case of mistaken identity, as Preston has confused legendary railroad hammer-swinger John Henry with Declaration of Independence signer John Hancock. He thinks he's urging a woman to commit herself to him -- "Put your John Henry on my heart, girl / Sign your name on the bottom line" -- but is really asking her to drop the hammer on his heart. Priceless. 8/10

2. John Lee Hooker with Roy Rogers, "Terraplane Blues" -- Great blues number from the master. And no, it's not that Roy Rogers. Just some guy who got his ass kicked a lot in grade school. 7/10

3. Afro Blues Quintet Plus One, "La La La La La" -- I'm not exactly sure why this isn't just called a "sextet" but maybe it's because that sounds naughty. A band who'd give their songs such intricate titles probably doesn't handle linguistic subtlties. Words aside, it's a damn good song. 9/10

4. Elvis Presley, "Burning Love" -- I'm pretty sure this is about gonorrhea. 5/10

5. James Brown, "Your Cheatin' Heart" -- Yep, you read this correctly. This is the Godfather of Soul doing a scorching cover of a classic tune by a Founding Father of Country, Hank Williams Sr. I never thought it would work, but it's phenomenally good. 9/10

6. Superchunk, "100,000 Fireflies" -- Another great cover, this time of one of my favorite Magnetic Fields tunes. Some of Stephin Merrit's best lyrics ("Why do we keep screeching / when we mean soft things? / We should be whispering all the time") and Mac McCaughan gives them a nice indie rock punchup. 10/10

7. Gorillaz, "Bill Murray" -- This is from a Japanese issue EP for "Feel Good, Inc." I have no idea where I got this, but it's a nice slightly trippy tune. 6/10

8. The Twilight Singers, "Candy Cane Crawl" -- Greg Dulli's new, mellower project in the wake of the Afghan Whigs glory days. Nice, but nothing spectacular. 7/10

9. Helium, "Lucy" -- Somewhat amateurish sounding indie rock. This sounds like it belongs on a K Records 7" from 1993. And if that made any sense to you, then you, my friend, are a music nerd. 4/10

10. Talking Heads, "And She Was" -- I have no idea where this lies on the coolness scale. Retro '80s camp? Early alternative genius? Help me out here, people. Help me help you. 6/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.3 average. Again. I haven't seen a string of mediocrity like this since "Yes, Dear" was on the teevee. It's still on? Really? Huh.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT, or snide comments about mine, or open letters to Capt. Sky in the comments below.

Felix Blames Lies on Mère

George Allen continues to be his own worst enemy. You’ve probably heard by now that, at a debate on Monday, ol’ Felix lost it when a reporter asked if his mom was Jewish. If you’ve seen the clip (view it here), you know that the lady asked the question in about as ugly a way as possible, but that doesn’t fully explain Allen’s freak-out. After sputtering around about Thomas Jefferson and heritage he said that, as far as he knew, his mom was raised a Christian.

Then, a day after the debate (and after the damage he had done to his campaign was becoming apparent), Allen issued a flip-flop: he celebrated the Jewish ancestry on his mother’s side. To clear up the contradictions, the Washington Post interviewed his mom, and here’s what they found:

She said Allen asked her directly about his Jewish heritage when he was in Los Angeles for a fundraiser [in late August]. "We sat across the table and he said, 'Mom, there's a rumor that Pop-pop and Mom-mom were Jewish and so were you,' " she recalled, a day after Allen issued a statement acknowledging and embracing his Jewish roots as he campaigns for a second term in the U.S. Senate. At the table in Palos Verdes, Calif., Allen's mother, who is 83, said she told her son the truth: That she had been raised as a Jew in Tunisia before moving to the United States.

. . . Allen declined to comment, but his mother said she had sworn him to secrecy.

Two things. First, Felix was fundraising in Los Angeles? Mr. Virginia Values? They guy who constantly accuses his opponent of having Hollywood values? I was surprised by this, so I looked it up. Turns out Felix bends over for Hollywood money more than any other republican; way more -- and, surprise surprise, way more than Jim Webb does.

Second, even if we accept that Allen only recently learned about his mom’s religious heritage, somebody with the last name “Allen” is doing some serious lying. Let’s review: Hollywood Felix asks his mom about the Jewish thing in August after a romp for money with his Hollywood buddies, and then three weeks later in a debate, he states that as far as he knew, his mom was raised a Christian. This is a big fat lie. Not only did he know, he found out 3 weeks prior. His mom claims that she swore him to secrecy and told him not to tell his siblings. In other words, she told him to lie about it, and he agreed. Can ya feel the integrity?

The Jewish part of this story doesn’t matter to me. Maybe he’s ashamed of it, maybe he’s not. It’s a touchy and complex subject, and I guess I’m lucky not to have to deal with family religious mysteries myself (although I do wonder why my brother’s name is Schlomo). What matters is the lying; dude pinched out a big fat lie in a debate, a stupid lie that was bound to get found out. His excuse? His mommy told him to do it.

Maybe lying is a family value in the exclusive LA suburb in which Felix was raised, but it isn’t a Virginia family value. Neither is letting mom take the fall for our own mistakes. Go back to Hollywood, Felix.

Beyond Satire

Glenn Greenwald has a great post up. Just go.

Jesus Camp

Well, this video is certainly twelve kinds of creepy.

As Steve Benen notes, "the line between evangelism and child abuse is rather thin." I'm not sure what creeps me out the most about all this, whether it's convincing eight-year-olds that they can speak in tongues and should sacrifice their lives as "warriors for God," or the simple image of children literally worshipping a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush.

If I remember anything about teenage rebellion, I've got to hope that the Alex P. Keaton Effect can work in reverse and all these hardcore evangelical recruits into the Army of God will rebel against their narrow upbringing, throw off the shackles of the Religious Right, and become card-carrying ACLU members as adults. We can only pray.

The Decider Speaks!

Sadly, this Onion spoof of the president's weekly radio address is sounding more and more like the real deal. Enjoy it, if you can.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest -- for no other reason than I'm just sick of seeing the words "fart joke" at the top of this page.

Bring it papal style, folks.

Fart joke

Studiodave in outer space.

Why Can't They Stick with Hatin' on the Gays?

Marc Lynch wrote an edifying post the other day about the Pope's colossal misstep and how it, as well as our administration's recent penchant for crusadespeak, have played right into Al Qaeda's hands (at least the Pope's mistake wasn't intentional, probably).

Everything which strengthens the central al-Qaeda narrative of a Crusader war against Islam serves that strategy. Al-Qaeda does not need to win support for itself as a movement for this strategy to succeed - all it needs to do is to shape the political environment towards its "clash" narrative.

This is why Bush's recent "Islamic Fascism" speeches were such a gift to bin Laden, playing right to the al-Qaeda script, and seeming to confirm al-Qaeda rhetoric over a Western "Crusade" (and don't even get started on Bush's recent "religious revival" musings). And now the Pope has jumped in to lend a helping hand to al-Qaeda. Couldn't they have just sent flowers? I don't think that this is quite what the Counter-Terrorism Center at West Point meant by "stealing al-Qaeda's playbook" - we weren't supposed to actually run al-Qaeda's plays for them.

Lynch goes on to assess Al Qaeda's successful use of the media, especially in the past year. Man, do I miss the days when gay marriage was the greatest threat to America and Christendom.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

As I'm sure you know by now, former Texas Governor Ann Richards passed away this week.

Though I'm not a Texan, I always had a soft spot in my heart for Richards. She showed that truly progressive policies and hard-nosed, sarcastic politics can not only co-exist outside of the blogosphere, but thrive. She was a Steel Magnolia, one of the best and brassiest politicians I've ever seen. (One of the many, many sad things about the Bush Presidency is the constant reminder that we elevated the wrong Texas governor to the highest office in the land.)

And she was one of those politicians who was just made for anecdotes, from her famous zinger about George Bush Sr. being born "with a silver foot in his mouth" to the time her opponents tried to paint her as a delicate lady unfit for the rough world of politics and she went out and shot a bunch of wild doves with a twelve-gauge.

I thought I'd heard all the stories, but her passing -- like all passings -- has brought out one I hadn't heard before. So, courtesy of Off the Kuff, I'd like to pass along the following anecdote from Molly Ivins, another Texas treasure:

Several years ago there was a big political do at Scholz Beer Garten in Austin and everybody who was anybody in political Texas was there, meetin' and greetin' at a furious pace. About halfway through the evening, a little group of us got the tired feet and went to lean our butts against a table by the back wall of the Garten. Like birds in a row were perched Bob Bullock, the state comptroller; me; Charlie Miles, a black man who was then head of Bullock's personnel department (and the reason Bullock had such a good record on minority hiring); and Ms. Ann Richards.

Bullock, having been in Texas politics for thirty some-odd years, consequently knew every living sorry, no-account sumbitch who ever held office. A dreadful old racist judge from East Texas came up to him, "Bob, my boy, how are yew?" The two of them commenced to clap one another on the back and have a big greetin'.

"Judge," said Bullock. "I want you to meet my friends. This is Molly Ivins with the Texas Observer."

The judge peered up at me and said, "How yew, little lady?"

"This is Charles Miles, who heads my personnel department." Charlie stuck out his hand and the judge got an expression on his face as though he had just stepped into a fresh cowpie. It took him a long minute before he reached out, barely touched Charlie's hand and said, "How you, boy?" Then he turned with great relief to pretty, blue-eyed Ann Richards and said, "And who is this lovely lady?"

Ann beamed and said, "I am Mrs. Miles."

Priceless.

I'd tell you to rest in peace, Ann, but you wouldn't listen. We'll miss you.

Caption Contest

What better way to enjoy the weekend than a caption contest?

Let's do this thing.

Friday Random Ten

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the hard rock supergroup Ratchell.

As the cover makes clear, Ratchell combined four outstanding stars of the early '80s. Clockwise from the top left, we have (1) the always sexy Valerie Bertinelli, fresh from her starring role on "One Day at a Time"; (2) the always dangerous Christopher Lambert, right before his starring role in Highlander; (3) the always coked-up David Crosby, right during his starring role at the Betty Ford clinic (click that link for David's self-portrait); and, of course, (4) the always rugged good looks of Rocky Dennis, right at the moment I'm heading for hell.

The arrival of such a stellar supergroup can only mean that it's once again time for the Friday Random Ten. Lock and load, people. This is not -- repeat, not -- a drill.

1. TV on the Radio, "I Was a Lover" -- Oh, what a nice start. This may be my favorite track of their new album, The Return to Cookie Mountain. I'm not entirely sure what the song's about, but I'm positive it's absofuckinglutely brilliant. I missed seeing these kids at a free show in Brooklyn this summer, and it's quickly becoming my greatest regret. Well, that, and not finishing the world's biggest hoagie. 10/10

2. Pixies, "Wave of Mutilation (Live at the BBC)" -- A pretty nice version of one of their better-known tunes, though Black Francis (or Frank Black or Blackula or whatever he's called now) makes the lyrics a little too quiet. 7/10

3. Frank Sinatra, "Come Fly with Me" -- I have a soft spot for the Chairman of the Board, but this is a pretty standard, factory-issue arrangement from the Capitol Records conglomerate. Eh. 3/10

4. The Pretenders, "Back on the Chain Gang" -- I doubt I'll ever get tired of the sweet opening guitar hook or Chryssie Hynde's sultry voice, but I'm not sure anything featured on VH1 can be considered cool. (Except for him, of course.) 5/10

5. Kitty Love, "You Gotta Change" -- Some obscure soul strutting from a collection called Shakin' Fit. Really brassy vocals, with a fairly standard '60s R&B beat. I think I'm supposed to do the mashed potato to this song, or the home fries, or the scattered-covered-smothered hash browns. Some kind of starchy dance. 7/10

6. Earth, Wind and Fire, "Mighty Mighty" -- Some fairly early work by EWF, somewhere between the soundtrack they did for Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (billed as "The Film The MAN Doesn't Want You to See!") and the soundtrack song they did for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (known as "The Film NO ONE Wants to See!") Pretty nice funk, all things considered. 8/10

7. Chic, "Good Times" -- I have no idea how to classify this song on the coolness scale, as it's both retro hip and old-school lame, sort of like bellbottoms and Bea Arthur. But I will give it credit for a lyric I've always loved: "Don't be a drag, participate / Clams on the half shell and roller-skates, roller-skates!" Sounds like a party to me. 4/10

8. Yo La Tengo, "Here Comes My Baby" -- Hoboken's finest do a fairly straightforward cover of the Cat Stevens classic. I really should love this. I really should. I don't. 2/10

9. Hank Williams, "Your Cold, Cold Heart" -- Classic country from the all-time master. Man, if old Hank had lived to see what a dumbfuck, drunk douchebag his son turned into, he would've never stopped throwing up. 7/10

10. Stereolab, "Ping Pong" -- Well, there was a lot of crap in between, but I'm ending on as strong a song as I began. This is electronica at its happy, loopy, moogy finest. 10/10

Not a great week for me, with a 6.3 average. Any worse and I'd wind up having to go to coolness summer school.

Let's see what the rest of you have. Kindly drop your own FRTs in the comments, with or without the coolness self-aduit. Or feel free to pick apart my choices, or reminisce about how hot Valerie Bertinelli was before she settled down with the Crypt Keeper.

Felix Fumbles Football Fantasy

As you may have heard, my main man Felix Allen has issued yet another variation of his apology for being a racist. He did so at the “ethnic rally” Otto Man highlighted a couple days ago, which was comprised of the dozen or so nonwhites who can stand to be in the same room as him.

This time, he broadened his apology to cover his youthful indiscretions; in other words, touting confederate symbols in his teens, having a lynching noose in his office in his twenties, flying a confederate flag at his house in his thirties, opposing MLK day in his forties, and calling that guy a monkey in his fifties, among others. Here’s a little of what he had to say on Tuesday:

"On football teams and every team sport, you don't care about someone's religion, race or their ethnicity," he said. "All you care about is if that person can help your team. Can he block, punt, pass or kick. It's a true meritocracy... and it's that meritocracy that you see on a football field and on a football team that we should aspire for in our society here in America."

Allen loves to talk about his “football background,” as if he were more than just a coach’s kid. For all his man’s man rhetoric about sports and war, there’s two places he wasn’t in 1970: in Vietnam, and on a football field. Allen did play football in high school, but that’s it; even sorry-ass UVA didn’t want him on their team, despite the fact that his daddy coached the Washington NFL team. It’s kinda like when Bush or Cheney rambles on about terrorism, Saddam, Al Qaeda, WMD, and 9/11, leaving the listener to make connections that shouldn’t be made.

George Felix Allen sucked, SUCKED, at football. It doesn’t appear he’s ever excelled at any sport, unless falconry can be considered a sport. Yeah, when I think meritocracy, I think falconry.

Food Crime Roundup

That story about fondue fuel is not the only food-related crime about. In our effort to keep the community apprised of current events, here is the foodie blotter:

Here are some thieves I'd like to hang out with this weekend. Mmmmm, herring.

Porkburgers? That sounds great -- I'll have a 350 Pounder.

Corn cobs: not just for assault any more.

...and here's a really sweet story about gherkins.