Now Hear This

Keith Olbermann. Trust me. Go now.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest, folks.

Let the snark flow through you.

Deep Thoughts with Joe Lieberman

I'd always assumed that Holy Joe Lieberman was strongly in favor of the War on Drugs -- a.k.a. the War on the War on Brain Cells -- but new evidence suggests the opposite.

I think they'd have to be smoking some primo shit over there to think this TV ad is effective and not, oh, incredibly creepy.

Update: The insanity over at the Lieberman for Lieberman camp is apparently stemming from the very top. Steve Benen caught a nice bit of petulance from Cialis Joe about the likelihood of his campaign hurting Democratic House candidates in the state:

Fox News asked Lieberman whether his campaign would hurt Dem candidates' chances down-ballot. Lieberman said, "They should have thought of that during the primary, but here we are."

It's an odd thing to say.

As recently as last week, Lieberman reiterated his belief that he's a "committed Democrat." But confronted with the idea that he may single-handedly keep Dems from taking back the House, he literally laughs and blames Dem voters for the problem. It's not a particularly subtle message — Lieberman's telling Connecticut Dems, "You backed the other guy, and this is my payback."

In response to Lieberman's Fox News comments, Chris Bowers said:

[T]here seem to be two ways to read this quote. One reading would be that Lieberman thinks that instead of voting their conscience, Democratic primary voters should have instead capitulated to his threats to leave the party. The other reading is that the party establishment, which gave their complete support to Lieberman during the primary, should never have allowed the primary to happen in the first place.

Either way, Lieberman clearly views his run as revenge against Democrats for actually engaging in party democracy. So, either voters should be swayed through threats, or votes should not be allowed to take place. No matter which reading is accurate, Lieberman's sheer disdain for democracy is overwhelming. As far as he is concerned, democracy is only useful as long as it allows you to remain in power, and now he is just a tough parent punishing bad children who actually had the gall to vote for someone else.

Sounds right to me.

Yeah, me too. At this rate, I'm surprised Lieberman and his fellow tantrum-throwing senator, Ted Stevens (R-Spite) just don't take their ball and go home.

Adventures in Douchebaggery

The objects of my new man-crush over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have finally spoken out against the tragic heartbreak that is known as Joe Theismann.

Theismann has always been the weakest link in the ESPN booth, but he's taken his douchebaggery to a whole new level lately. While he used to sit there and play the amiable dunce to Mike Patrick's sage play-by-play and Al Maguire's oddering commentary, now that he's paired up with straight man Mike Tirico and smartass Tony Kornheiser, Theismann's true imbecility has really come to the forefront.

I'll let the KSK crew take over from here, with a snippet of their open letter to Tony Kornheiser:

Dear Tony:

You see this guy right here? This is Joe Theismann, your large-prostated broadcasting partner and shining example of why professional football players need thicker helmets. I need to urgently tell you something, and that is that this guy is trying to fuck you over. Now, I'm sure you already know this. It's not as if Joe Theismann has spent his whole life outwitting people. No, his intentions are fairly out in the open. He's like the retarded Iago to your whiter, Jewisher Othello. ....

You need support, and this dickface isn't giving it to you. He's a fucking jock-sniffer. He's like the white Stephen A. Smith, only dumber and with a bigger afro. .... It's not too late to fix this. I'm pretty sure you make more money than Theismann. ESPN courted you for the job, while Theismann probably accepted taking his salary in Brach's Caramels to stay on the air.

The rest is just as funny and twice as blue. Enjoy.

For my own part, every time I hear Thiesmann make a dipshit comment, I just like to go watch this classic moment in time.

The Department of Punk'd

This just in, from the TPM Muckraker:

A team of political hoaxers fooled New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco, and a thousand construction-industry members today.

Posing as fictitious senior HUD official Rene Oswin, Andy Bichlbaum -- a member of the Group the Yes Men -- promised big (and unlikely) changes in New Orleans to a privately-organized conference in Kenner, Louisiana. Among his expansive promises, according to CNN:

- Energy giants Exxon and Shell would spend $8.6 billion "to finance wetlands rebuilding from $60 billion in profits this year."

- Wal-Mart would withdraw its stores from poor neighborhoods and "help nurture local businesses to replace them."

- the federal government would spend $180 million to fund "at least one well-equipped public health clinic for every housing development."

- the feds would reverse plans to replace public schools with private and charter schools, and instead create a national tax base to supplement local taxes.

HUD quickly confirmed Oswin wasn't part of their agency. "This announcement is totally false; it's totally bogus," spokeswoman Donna White told CNN, who said no one named "Rene Oswin" works for the department. "I'm like, who the heck is that?" ....

"It's really a sick, twisted -- I don't even want to refer to it as a joke," HUD spokeswoman White told CNN. "At this point, it's not funny."

Yeah, it's not funny at all. How dare anyone give people the idea that the president would actually keep his word about rebuilding the region? How dare they suggest that the giants of Big Oil might be good corporate citizens and return some of the money they've made in the region back to ensure its preservation?

Now, enough with the jokes. The administration is really busy right now doing the important work in time to mark the first anniversary of the Katrina devastation. Don't bother them with suggestions about how they might actually help people.

P.S. Since the Bush administration only cares about one thing, and one thing only -- its precious, precious image -- maybe they should get a new spokeswoman for HUD. One who doesn't use the phrase "totally bogus" and sprinkle the word "like" into every other sentence? Because that would be, like, totally awesome.

Caption Contest

You know, I don't think we've ever featured Michael Chertoff in a caption contest before.

Stunning, right? Have at him.

Sen. Felix Allen Cuts and Runs -- from a Guy in a Macacca Suit?

Senator Felix has always billed himself as Badass in Chief. He rides horses, he throws footballs, he eats red meat (especially filet mignon or other frenchly prepared boeuf). A few years back, at a republican event, he bravely incited the crowd with "Let’s enjoy knocking their [democrats] soft teeth down their whiny throats." Yep, badass all around.

So I was a bit surprised to read, via Kos, that Felix cut and run from his own campaign events in Staunton, a small town in western VA (a Felix stronghold):

STAUNTON — Sen. George Allen gave the slip to protesters, supporters and city officials today, bypassing an afternoon stop in downtown Staunton for an unannounced lunch break at a local drive-in restaurant.

The last-minute change in plans came minutes after a man identifying himself as a University of Virginia law school student broke in front of reporters at an event at Staunton’s Holiday Inn, forcefully asking the senator, “Have you ever used the word n-----?”

He also questioned why Allen, a one-term Republican senator and former governor, had once displayed a noose in his office.

That's right, the guy who enjoys knocking the soft teeth of dems down their whiny throats cut and run from a soft-toothed, whiny-throated dem. A freakin' law school student, at that.

Okay, that's not fair. The soft-toothed whiny fellow was only part of the horrific menace Felix faced. He also had to contend with the primal, Jungian fear shared by all humans, a nearly unmentionable terror that would make Atilla the Hun mess his pants, or whatever it is that Huns wore: a guy dressed up as a monkey. And not just any monkey, a sandal-wearing one. Oh, how many H.P. Lovecraft tales ended with this dread menace rising from the ochre, blasting the sanity of all who gaze on it's baleful furryness and comfortable footwear?

I guess it's really no surprise, then, that Felix turned tail and scurried off to the hide in the comforting bosom of a French fry joint, just like he did for the entire Vietnam war (actually, he spent the war heroically protecting dude ranches in Nevada). I just hope his campaign staff knows the Heimlich manuver, cuz I think he's about to choke on his own soft teeth.

Heckuva Job

Hey, remember Hurricane Katrina? Think Progress has a timeline that will remind you just how big a group of incompetents are currently running the country.

Go wallow in our nation's shame. What better way to kick off a weekend?

Gmail Hates America, Makes Me Laugh

The wife and I were exchanging emails earlier. She just sent me the "sponsored links" that she had.

Sponsored Links

George Allen promotes common sense conservative principles!
www.georgeallen.com

Senator Apologizes
Allen apologized for racist remark. For Breaking News, visit CNN.com.CNN.com

It works on so many levels!

Friday Random Ten

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the esteemed Tammy Faye Bakker and her duet partner Simba.

For those of you who don't watch the Nature Channel in full-blown rapture, Safari Tammy is demonstrating a little-known fact. While lions can smell fear, they can't pick up the scent if you caulk on a few pounds of Maybelline.

I'm really not sure how to approach this album cover. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to approach this album cover unless it's with a pair of iron tongs and a Hazmat suit.

But I am reminded of the famous words of former First Drunk Billy Carter. "Some Christians," he said, "deserve to be eaten by lions."

Alright, time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. James Brown, "People Get Up and Drive Your Funky Soul" -- An outstanding track from the 1973 Jim Brown blaxploitation flick "Slaughter's Big Rip-Off." How good is the movie? Here's the tagline: "The mob put the finger on Slaughter...so he gave them the finger right back--curled tight around a trigger!" If this isn't cool, I don't know what is. 10/10

2. Gorillaz, "Dirty Harry" -- Hmm, looks like an early '70s action flick theme is developing. This is a nice follow-up to the first album's big single, "Clint Eastwood." (I think the former mayor of Carmel needs to get a restraining order against these dudes.) Anyone see these kids in concert? DirecTV has been running a show they did and it looks phenomenal. 9/10

3. The Sugar Hill Gang, "Apache" -- Yes, I know they were the original label-manufactured, test-tube baby hiphop group and, yes, I know that they looked like they'd cloned Rerun from "What's Happening" and gave them all Kangols and turntables. But, dammit, they still put together some catchy hits, and this song always makes me want to get on my horse and riiiiiide. "I sting squaws, then I run away / Hi-ho, Silver, is what I say!" 7/10

4. Ray Charles, "Lonely Avenue" -- I have a soft spot for Ray, especially the great R&B work he did at Atlantic in the '50s. A classic, though perhaps not cool. 6/10

5. Air featuring MF Doom, "Darbye (Remix)" -- Two artists I love individually, but for some reason they just don't mesh well here. Somebody got chocolate in my peanut butter, and it tastes like crap. 5/10

6. William Shatner, "Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man" -- If you've never had a friend freak out on acid, just give this song a listen to appreciate the experience. Insane. I actually caught the Comedy Central Roast of Shatner the other night -- I know, I know -- and it was pretty damn funny. As one of the roasters said, Shatner managed to make a lack of talent and charm seem to be hiply ironic. 4/10

7. The White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" -- Well, it looks like we're going to start another round of the eternal White Stripes vs. Raconteurs debate in the comments. This is actually one of my favorite Stripes' tunes, a song that has more bottom than Shirley Hemphill. (That's right. Two "What's Happening" jokes in a single post. Deal with it.) 8/10

8. Catlow, "Number One" -- I don't much about this band, but since it seems to feature an Indie Rocking Chick in the vein of Liz Phair near her prime, I probably should. Not too shabby. 6/10

9. The Killers, "Somebody Told Me" -- Is it just me, or does this band already seem badly dated? Eh. 4/10

10. Wolf Parade, "Dinner Bells" -- Oh, what a nice finish. If this song were any more brilliant, it would collapse upon itself like a supernova. I don't like to make sweeping generalizations, but if you don't already own and love this album, then there's a very good chance that you're responsible for everything bad in the world. There. I said it. 10/10

Alright, despite a couple perfect songs, I still end up with a 7.1 average. Looks like I'm doomed to a life of mediocrity. Oh well, I'm part of the MTV generation that feels neither highs nor lows. (What's that like? Meh.)

Let's see what the rest of you have got. Give us your own lists, with or without comments, or just let your snark flow freely.

Denial

Once again, TBogg steps to the plate, points to the fences, and knocks it out of the park.

Now, I'm not sure if TBogg then completed the Babe Ruth Triathalon by next consuming his weight in hot dogs and beer and then passing out pantsless on top of a speakeasy chorus line. But Lord knows he deserves it.

"I Don't Know, That's a Pretty Big Lock!"

I just had the draft for my fantasy football league, and therefore I'm really in the mood for sports-related sarcasm. In that vein, let me recommend a site that Mr. Furious introduced me to in the comments to an early post, the beautifully named Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Here's a sample of the love, from their preview of the Buffalo Bills:

Scott Norwood now resides in Northern Virginia, where he makes a living as realtor, mostly selling ranch homes that lean just a little to the right. Third prize is you're fired, Norwood. PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN NORWOOD! Coffee is for kickers!

If you liked that, you'll love the rest of the site. And if you didn't get the Scott Norwood reference, there's a very good chance you and I will have little to talk about for the next five months.

One Warranty Card for Swedish-made Penis Enlarger Pump, Filled out by Mardin Azad Amin

Talk about a rock and a hard place.

Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze last week when security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious-looking object in his luggage.

So Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He told security the object was a bomb, Cook County prosecutors said.

The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke, prosecutors said.

In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component for a penis pump.

I can think of few things more stupid than claiming you are carrying a bomb in an airport. One of them would taking a penis pump in your carry on luggage. (Though this is pretty stupid, too.)

Where's My Commercial?

This is some of the best crime reporting I've read in a while.

A 48-year-old man woke up Sunday morning unable to remember how he got into bed, what happened the night before or where his pants went.

Eugenio Pagan, of West Park Avenue, called police at 2 p.m. Sunday to report that someone stole his wallet with $3,500 in it, according to a police report.

The wallet was in his pants, which were taken off his body.

He said he was drinking the night before on his front porch with four friends. The next thing he knew, he woke up in bed in his underwear, according to the report.

His bedroom door and front door were locked.

Pagan's keys and cell phone were also gone.

He called two of his friends, who said it was his cousin who put him to bed.

Even Pagan only knew his cousin by the name of "Fufia," and he said he lives at Walnut Villas Apartments, but he didn't know what apartment.

Pagan said his cousin is a former drug user, so he wouldn't be surprised if he took his pants.

If you divide the amount of money by 100, this was me every night from 18-26. Thanks, guys, for not taking my pants. Except for that one time.

But He Gassed His Own People!

More insight into the walnut-sized mind of the Decider:

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

I'm so glad that President Pull My Finger has restored honor and dignity to the White House.

And he's paranoid around women? No wonder.

Caption Contest

This morning, the president held a tantrum -- I'm sorry, a "press conference" -- and gave us another image to play with.

So have at him, folks.

Home Improvement

I’m installing a pedestal sink in the guest bathroom this weekend. I’ve seen TV shows on home improvement, and they all suck. Where’s the cussing? Where’s the blood? Where’s the 4 inches of butt crack? I figure the world could use some real home improvement instructions, so move over, Norm Abrams!

1. Go to Home Despot. Select sink and pedestal.
2. Look for Home Despot Team Member to answer a couple questions about the sink.
3. Contain growing rage at inability to find Team Member.
4. Having finally gotten the attention of a Team Member, spend 15 minutes determining that said Member would need two assistant managers and a vice president to find his own butt with both hands. Dismiss Team Member, commence ripping open boxes to answer questions for self.
5. Also purchase 3 ft x 5 ft water-resistant backer board to install in wall behind sink.
6. Once at car, discover that neither the Despot, Toyota, nor God ever meant for a 3 x 5 sheet of anything to fit in the back seat of a ’97 Camry.
7. Using skills learned at liberal educational institutions, disprove the existence of god and repudiate the conformity standards foisted upon us by corporate overlords. Bash a couple feet off the end of the backer board. Ignore stares and crying children.
8. Once home, celebrate by drinking 10 beers. Not only is this a just reward, the alcohol will help deaden the pain of the various injuries to be sustained later.

I'll update as events warrant.

Update 1. There is an ancient Chinese home improvement proverb: Measure twice, cut once. I revise and extend: Measure twice, cut once; measure again, cut again; measure again, step on nail with bare foot; lower your standards, accept the cuts you have made, get on with life.

Update 2. Toilet seats rarely make good work surfaces.

Update 3. Neither call yourself a weekend warrior nor dub your improvement a weekend project. This sets expectations far, far too high.

Update 4. My toilet is white, so I got a white sink. Somehow, the sink is whiter than the toilet. At first I thought it was cuz I'd been looking at these illusions for a few hours, but the wife confirms. There is no emoticon to express the emotions I am feeling.

Update 5. The step they spend the least amount of time on in the instructions is the one you'll spend the most time struggling with. "Level the sink and pedestal" my ass.

I Am So High

I thought I saw this on cnn.com just now.

"Bush pardons moonshining 'Deliverance' actor."

I mean, honest to God, this could never happen.

Friday Zebra Blogging

Awwww



From a friend in Malawi.

Friday Random Ten

I've held off on using this album cover for so long now because it's featured in the alternating all-star images over at the Poor Man. But I can't hold off any longer. I've got a request, dammit, and it's 100% Ken.

The beauty of this album cover is its simplicity. A nice high school photo layout, with the serious close-up well balanced by a smiling, kick-back-casual seated shot. It showcases both sides of Ken, with the high-fiber Ken giving you the stuff you need and sugar-coated Ken giving you the stuff you crave. Ken. He's everywhere you want to be!

Alright, let's do this thing.

1. Muddy Waters, "I'm a King Bee" -- Some classic late-career blues from McKinley Morganfield. (Yeah, yeah, you call him Muddy Waters. His mama called him Morganfield -- I call him Morganfield.) Nicely done. 7/10

2. Band of Horses, "Weed Party" -- I finally listened to the recommendations of a number of friends about this band, and I can't say I'm disappointed. Sort of a blend of Hüsker Dü, the Byrds and a whole lot of Built to Spill. Very nice. 8/10

3. The Magnetic Fields, "Young and Insane" -- This is from the excellent House of Tomorrow five-song EP, one of those discs that is nothing but beauty. I have a soft spot for Stephin Merritt's work, and this one always reminds me why. 9/10

4. Asheru and Blue Black of the Unspoken Herd, "Smiley (The Woh, Woh Song)" -- Don't let the awful song or artist names scare you away. This is some phenomenal hiphop, blissfully smooth and catchy as hell. (Asheru does the theme to the Boondocks cartoon if that helps you place the voice.) Very nice. 10/10

5. Elvis Presley, "Can't Help Falling in Love" -- I have a soft spot for Fat Elvis, but there's no way in hell this song can be classified as "cool." 4/10

6. PJ Harvey, "Man-Size" -- I tend to run hot and cold when it comes to Polly Jean, and this is a song that belongs in the fridge. Just a little bit too much angst and screaming for my tastes. 6/10

7. Jungle Brothers, "What U Waitin' 4?" -- Damn, whatever happened to these guys? Back in The Day, they were always right there in the wake of De La Soul and Tribe Called Quest, but they've long since disappeared from the scene. Shame. 7/10

8. Kashmere Stage Band, "Kashmere" -- This is a great instrumental group along the lines of the Funk Brothers, the Stax studio band, or any other set of professional backing musicians. But they're a high school band. Unbelievable talent. If you have the first Handsome Boy Modeling School album, this song is used for most of the horn and drum breaks on "Holy Calamity." Amazing. 9/10

9. David Lee Roth with the John Jorgenson Bluegrass Band, "Jump" -- No, seriously. 7/10

10. The Raconteurs, "Broken Boy Soldier" -- I was always a little lukewarm about the White Stripes, but I like the latest incarnation of Mr. White here. I'm not sure if it's the fact that he finally has a full band working around him, or if Brendan Benson's influence is that strong, but if this is where he's heading from here on out, sign me up. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.6 average. Not the best I've done, but at least I'm in the top quartile of all Friday Random Tens. Call Harvard!

Let's see what you've got. Please feel free to drop your own FRT in the comments below, or unleash your inner music snob to rip apart my songs and ratings. Bring it!