100

The Republicans are all hepped up about this ad from the DNC:



They say McCain's full statement should have been quoted, which was this:

Maybe 100. As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me.

I'm not sure the extended quote makes McCain look any less crazy. What if Americans are killed? Will he cut and run?

"Hasta La Vista, Abey"

Check out this short clip of Faux News. They're trying to talk about the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but they put up a graphic of Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass, rather than his actual opponent Stephen Douglas.

Given the mouthbreathers who work there, I suppose we should congratulate them on not confusing Abraham Lincoln with Abraham Simpson.

Obama-Williams 2008

Hillary Clinton might have wrapped up the endorsement of North Carolina's governor, but Barack Obama picked up an even more important one the same day.

Update: Someone's mixed together the UNC scrimmage with one from Ft. Bragg, plus some high school games of Obama's, and set it all to Dilated Peoples.



Holy fuck, I can't believe we have a chance to have this man be president. I hear Hillary's working on a video of her playing shuffleboard to a soundtrack of Celine Dion.

Caption Contest

We have so much mockery to catch up on, so let's get to it.

Have at 'em.

Dick

From a Time piece on the White House Correspondents Dinner:

As is tradition, the president stood to do a short stand up act, which included the retelling of an old joke about Vice President Dick Cheney watching Bush through a peephole in the Oval Office door while masturbating. Such is the state of Washington humor.

Um, do what now?

Sunday Funny

"Uh, Son ... There Ain't No Draft No More."

For those of us who are diehard football fans -- as opposed to, you know, communist pederasts -- the NFL Draft looms as a wonderful oasis in the middle of the desert of the long, painful offseason.

The first day certainly didn't disappoint. Lots of interesting picks -- and I'm not just talking about Keyshawn Johnson's decision to let the Brooklyn School for the Blind dress him for the ESPN coverage. The Falcons turned the page on their glory days of dogfighting by taking a bland new quarterback, the Titans and Raiders continued their race to see who can put a dozen mediocre running backs on their roster at one time, and the Vikings managed to make it to the podium when their time was called.

Most important, my beloved Chiefs used their record-setting 84 picks well. I'm thrilled to have Glenn Dorsey on the squad, as I've always believed that a D-lineman whose names come from big band leaders of the 1940s is an unstoppable force. And the other picks are looking so solid, I'm convinced that Herm Edwards has been taken over by some sort of space alien. And I'm fine with that. Although, in the end, I'm confused by the new feeling I have. What's the opposite of a sense of impending doom?

What about the rest of you? Any thoughts?

First Round NBA Picks

Yeah, we're a few games in already. Sue me.

West

Lakers
Spurs
Hornets
Jazz

East

Wizards
Pistons
Celtics
Magic

Place your bets now.

Nature Red in Tooth and Stupidity

If you know a few hunters, then you've probably heard this one:

"If you aren't willing to hunt and kill an animal, you shouldn't eat meat."

What is this crap? If I want to get gas, do I need to first drill an oil well myself? See, I pay other people to do the drilling and pumping, just like I pay other people to do the killing and butchering of animals.

But killing an animal can get messy; if you can't handle the gore, you shouldn't be eating burgers, my hunter friends say. More nonsense. Treating sewage is pretty nasty too, but I don't think that's going to stop anyone from flushing.

Self-righteous hunters are just as annoying as self-righteous animal lovers, and their arguments are equally stupid. Maybe I should try this line on the next hunter who annoys me: Should you condone sending soldiers to fight and die in a war if you're not willing to go yourself?

(For the record, I think hunting is just fine, and most hunters are just fine. I'm just too lazy to hunt.)

The Wright Stuff

If you missed the excellent Bill Moyers interview with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, be sure to check it out. PBS has the video available here.

It's an exceptional piece, one that would embarrass the hell out of the corporate media if they had any sense of shame or integrity left. Of course, as we all know, Rupert Murdoch purchased both of those in a 1998 takeover.

Caption Contest

Oh, it's been far too long. Welcome back, old friend.

You know what to do. Have at him in the comments.

Popularity Contest

After months of the Clinton campaign's mind-numbing spin about all the different reasons Obama's many many wins don't count -- too many blacks in that state, too many college graduates in that one, that state's too small, that state ends in a vowel -- they've now decided that the real metric of these races is the popular vote.

And, hey, Hillary's found a way to count the popular vote that makes her the leader! First of all, you have to discount the caucus states. That's a dirty communist way to conduct an election, as any New York Senator not pandering for votes in Ames last winter would tell you. Second, you have to count the states that everyone agreed wouldn't count.

Clinton is including Michigan and Florida, primaries she won after all the candidates agreed to boycott the states for holding votes too early for party rules. Obama had his name pulled off the ballot in Michigan, so he doesn't get a single vote from that state.

"I'm very proud that as of today, I have received more votes by the people who have voted than anybody else, and I am proud of that," Clinton said at a rally in Indianapolis. "It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, then we are going to build on that."

What balls. "If you count as I count" might just be this year's version of "It depends on what the definition of 'is' is."

And remember the whole point of this. They're arguing that the popular vote is what matters -- and not, you know, the lame-ass "rules" that say that delegates are what matters -- so that they can convince the superdelegates to overturn the primary results. It's an argument that essentially says "Listen to the will of the people, and then tell them to go fuck themselves."

Brilliant. Looks like it's time for me to make another donation.

Update: The Daily Show just had an excellent segment on all this. Worth a look if you missed it.

O

Contrary to popular belief, this blog is no more dead than Terri Schaivo was before the liberal courts murdered her.

I have stirred from my waking nightmare known as parenthood to endorse Barack Obama. All others are crap.

Johnny E was my man for the White House, but after he racked up more losses than the DC Generals, I took a good look at Hillary and Barack. Although I used to be an anyone-but-Hillary type of guy, I was pretty impressed w/ her campaign in the early months, and I came to believe she'd make a pretty damned good president. I eventually settled on the Big O, but it was a close call for me.

My high opinion of HRC changed after Super Tuesday, when Team Hillary morphed into Team Rove. The last two or three months have been downright sickening. I know, Obama's done some mudslinging himself, but he's been bringing a knife to an IED fight. And don't give me the electability bullplop. McCain has no chance. Freakin' Nader could probably beat him. At least Nader hasn't been hugging W.

I loved Big Dog Clinton, but he had his flaws. Throwing his allies under the bus was one of them, a big one. No more triangles, dammit. I hate geometry.

Hillary doesn't need to stop campaigning. She just needs to stop campaigning like a Republican.

Mourn Ya 'Til I Join Ya

A recent comment by Mr. Furious over at Kissing Suzy Kolber reminded me that we never really provided a wrap-up for the blog. Technically, we never really decided to end it. We all got wrapped up in our "jobs" and "children" and "alcoholism" and basically let the blog wither away into nothingness. We never talked about killing it; we all just drifted away. We might revive it at some point, but for now ... eh.

As I said at KSK, I wish we'd ended it better. We all started phoning it in the final months, and started to look like Fat Elvis circa June 1977, bloated beyond recognition on fried peanut butter & bananner sammiches and fistfuls of barbiturates. So rather than remember us at that stage, feel free to dig through the archives for some of our better efforts and remember us in our prime.

The first year's passable moments are wrapped up in a tidy package for you here; we never did a second-year wrap-up, so have at the monthly breakdowns.

But really, if you're this bored, you should consider volunteering at your local library. Reading is fundamental, people!

Technical Difficulties

I've been meaning to post this for a couple days -- or months, or something -- but it looks like the blog is going on an indeterminate hiatus for a while.

In the meantime, you can catch my wittisms in the comments at various political and sports blogs, I-Rod's work in the Letters to the Editor column of Soldier of Fortune, Thrillhous's musings in his day job as the author of the "Nancy" comic strip, and Studiodave's thoughtful commentary in the pages of Penthouse Forum. Enjoy!

The Dog Ate My Friday Random Simpsons

My trip to Honk Kong happens one day sooner than I thought, so no time to grace you with my witty insights. It's fan participation week! That's right, you tell me how good these episodes are.

P.S. I am not a crackpot.

1. Strong Arms of the Ma.

2. Burns' Heir.

3. Brother from the Same Planet.

4. Bart the Lover.

5. The Last Temptation of Homer.

6. Marge on the Lam.

7. G.I. (Annoyed Grunt).

8. Marge's Son Poisoning.

9. A Streetcar Named Marge.

10. Like Father, Like Clown.

There's some classics in there. Burns' Heir is one of my favorites. Get to it!

You know what I love?

Air travel. It's just great. There's nothing that happens in an airport that can make me frown. Why is that? Because if I look unhappy, I may be arrested.

“Specially trained security personnel” will be watching passengers for “micro-expressions” that will reveal treacherous agendas and insidious intentions at airports around the country. These agents, who may literally hold your fate in their hands have been given a lofty, Orwellian name: "Behavior Detection Officers."

TFA does a good job running down how idiotic this is, and points out one of the BDO's strategeries:

Here’s where it gets really absurd. Apparently, these Behavior Detection Officers work in pairs. One scenario is that an officer might move in to “help” a passenger retrieve their belongings after they’ve been screened. And then the officer will ask where the passenger is headed. If the passenger’s reaction sets off alarm bells in the officer’s well-trained mind, another officer will move in and detain them.

Yeah, after standing an an hour long line to get through security some stranger comes up and grabs my bag and asks where I'm going. How could you do anything but smile and answer honestly?

Are you sitting down?

Sometimes you see something pop up on Google news that completely shocks you.

Blame the National Enquirer for the big bombshell of the century, the Vegas big cat act of Siegfried and Roy have finally announced they are gay.

I don't think I've been this surprised since KD Lang came out.