Public Service Announcement

With Mother's Day coming on strong -- it's May 14th, you damned lag-about ingrates! -- I thought we should pass along this strong reminder from Mr. T that you all should, in fact, treat your mother right. Check it out.

And, no, forwarding this post to your mother does not count as a Mother's Day gift.

The Relativistic Right

Looks like those damn dirty hippies aren't the only ones who engage in "situation ethics" and "moral relativism" anymore:

WEST PALM BEACH — Conservative king Rush Limbaugh opened his talk show Monday with an account of the agreement he struck with prosecutors and his quick trip to the Palm Beach County Jail Friday.

"There was no arrest. There were no handcuffs. There was no perp walk. There is no charge," said Limbaugh, trumpeting the message his public relations pros have telegraphed since Friday, that he was not arrested.
Rush

But according to the agreement, signed and finalized Monday, there is, of course, a charge: withholding information from a practitioner, doctor-shopping, a felony, hanging over his head.

And according to a jail official, Limbaugh's surrender on a warrant and his booking at the jail certainly is an arrest.

"It's all semantics," says Capt. Mark Chamberlain, a jail supervisor, about whether a person who surrenders can be called "arrested." "But it's definitely going to count in our booking statistics as an arrest."

If it looks like a drug offender, walks shakily like a drug offender, and then passes out and pees its pants like a drug offender, then guess what? It's Rush!

In a nice touch of irony, you know Rush has got to be tangled up in knots over the announcement that Mexico is going to legalize drugs of all kinds. On the one hand, he hates those off-white people. On the other, he loves the drugs. What's a blowhard to do?

(Thanks to Atrios for the link.)

"Oooh, Him Card Good Read!"

While the entire post is damn funny, this paragraph by Attaturk over at Jesus' General nearly made me choke on my lunch:

Some of you might immediately think, since Rameesh works for National Review, "Hey, I can write english good, me know how to speak, me apply there." Well, it's not so simple. You see, while you may fit in well with Jonah and the gang with your love of downloaded porn, the National Review cannot afford good health insurance. Hell, even with underwriting they can barely support K-Lo's trail mix habit. So you cannot really afford to go there. No, you must go an alternative path.

Finish eating, and go read the rest.

Tijuana: The Happiest Place on Earth

And it's going to get even happier.

Mexican President Vicente Fox will sign a bill that would legalize the use of nearly every drug and narcotic sold by the same Mexican cartels he's vowed to fight during his five years in office, a spokesman said Tuesday.

The list of illegal drugs approved for personal consumption by Mexico's Congress last week is enough to make one dizzy — or worse.

Cocaine. Heroin. LSD. Marijuana. PCP. Opium. Synthetic opiates. Mescaline. Peyote. Psilocybin mushrooms. Amphetamines. Methamphetamines.

Pressing the Press

You know who kicks ass? Digby.

Caption Contest

You folks really redeemed yourselves with the last caption contest.

Your reward for such great work? Another caption contest. We're doubling down, baby!

"This Bra Bomb Better Work, Nerdlinger"

Well, it's official -- we've run out of culture in this country.

The proof? Hollywood is putting together a remake of Revenge of the Nerds.

Update: It's even worse than I thought. As Norbizness relates, there's a veritable crapapalooza coming down the pike, with multiple counts of unwarranted sequels and unnecessary remakes. (Except, of course, for Wilmer Valderrama in the movie remake of CHiPs. Lord knows we need heroes like Ponch and Jon now more than ever.)

A Love Supreme

As the nation struggles with important constitutional issues like whether or not the president can brush aside 750 laws whenever he sees fit, whether or not he can spy on Americans without warrants or cause, and whether or not Stephen Colbert should be placed in Gitmo, we can all rest assured that the highest court in the land is focused on the really important matters:

Former Playmate of the Year Anna Nicole Smith won from the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday a new chance to collect millions of dollars she claims her late Texas oil tycoon husband promised her.

The justices unanimously overturned an appeals court ruling that the blond widow was entitled to nothing because federal courts lacked jurisdiction to hear claims that are also involved in state probate hearings. The high court sent the case back to the federal appeals court in California for more proceedings in the long-running legal battle involving the former Playboy centerfold who also had her own reality television show.

Smith was 26 when she married oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall in 1994. He was 89. They met three years earlier when she was working as a topless dancer in Houston.

Please feel free to insert your own Clarence Thomas joke here.

"Looks Like Those Clowns in Congress Did it Again, Those Clowns"

Since today marks the official end of the ScottBot 3000's tenure as White House Press Secretary, I thought we should pay tribute to some of his greatest language resonance simulation loops.

Enjoy them all. I like the "fulfilled his duties" one, simply because it has the word "duty."

(Thanks to the Poor Man for the link.)

Caption Contest

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon, and that's as good a time as any for a caption contest.

This one should bring out your inner snark.

Speaking Truthiness to Power

Stephen Colbert hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner the other night and, apparently, the press and the president were stunned to see a man who mocks them for a living, well, mock them.

Editor & Publisher has the full story, and here are some choice excerpts:

A blistering comedy “tribute” to President Bush by Comedy Central’s faux talk show host Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondent Dinner Saturday night left George and Laura Bush unsmiling at its close. ....

Colbert, who spoke in the guise of his talk show character, who ostensibly supports the president strongly, urged the Bush to ignore his low approval ratings, saying they were based on reality, “and reality has a well-known liberal bias.”

He attacked those in the press who claim that the shake-up at the White House was merely re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. “This administration is soaring, not sinking,” he said. “If anything, they are re-arranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg." ....

Turning to the war, he declared, "I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." ....

Colbert also made biting cracks about missing WMDs, “photo ops” on aircraft carriers and at hurricane disasters, melting glaciers and Vice President Cheney shooting people in the face. He advised the crowd, "if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. will be right over with a cocktail. " ....

Also lampooning the press, Colbert complained that he was “surrounded by the liberal media who are destroying this country, except for Fox News. Fox believes in presenting both sides of the story — the president’s side and the vice president’s side." He also reflected on the alleged good old days, when the media was still swallowing the WMD story.

Addressing the reporters, he said, "Let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The president makes decisions, he’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know--fiction."

Zing! Read the whole piece. He was on fire.

Update: I should've known better -- Crooks & Liars has the video.

"Uh, Son ... There Ain't No Draft No More."

The NFL Draft has just begun, and it'll all be over in a mere 48 hours or so. Since I'll be listening to the loud booming of Chris Berman (and watching the loud clothing of Chris Berman) for the next two days, I thought I'd pass along this classic Berman story. Unreal.

Consider this an open thread for all draft-related commentary.

Truth in Headlines

I think the Cunning Realist's suspicions are right -- the last word was somehow omitted from this AP headline.

Caption Contest

Given the underwhelming response we had to the last caption contest, I know you're all itching for a chance to do it again.

So here he is -- the Decider. Have at him.

The Threatdown

The blogosphere is all atwitter over Stephen Colbert's brilliant smackdown of Bill Kristol on last night's "Colbert Report," and with good cause. The question about how the Project for a New American Century was going was so good, I almost needed a post-coital cigarette, and it just rolled on from there.

Crooks & Liars, as always, has the video.

A Parliament of Whores

Holy crap. It's looking more and more like the rumors about Duke Cunningham's fact finding missions into the world of D.C. prostitution are true and, what's more, there might be as many as a half dozen other congressmen implicated as well.

Daily Kos has the complete rundown.

Update: This just gets better and better. There are rumors swirling around that CIA Director Porter Goss was involved. I'm not exactly convinced by these, but as Peggy Noonan once said: "Is it irresponsible to speculate? No, it would be irresponsible not to speculate."

Update II: Just when you think it can't get any better, Digby speculates that these weren't just wild congressional sex parties, but wild congressional gay sex parties. I'd forgotten about the Dukestir's backstory. Suddenly Jeff Gannon makes a lot of sense. (By the way, I'm hereby trademarking the phrase "Suddenly Jeff Gannon" for the inevitable sitcom that'll result from all this.)

Friday Random Ten

At long last, it's time for Mrs. Mills' Knees-Up Party.

While I'm sure that the "knees-up" comment is a reference to the irresistable urge we'd all have to dance once we'd heard her rendition of "Yellow Submarine," every time I look at this album cover, "knees-up" takes on a disturbing, troubling sexual connotation. And, truth be told, song titles like "Down at the Old Bull And Bush," "For Me and My Gal," and "Knees Up, Mother Brown" only cement an image that I'd only be able to get out of my brain with a nail gun.

Aside from the troubling sexual imagery, we also have the outfits on the inmates in Mrs. Mills' asylum. Looks like she saw one too many Ron Popeil infomercials for the Eazy Home Embroidery set and decided to jazz up those boring black outfits with a collection of old buttons, glitter, and chewing gum wrappers. I'm not sure what look she was aiming for, but an off-off-off-Broadway production of Alamo! The Musical! seems about right. (If you're wondering why those outfits look familiar, they were apparently claimed at a Salvation Army clearinghouse in the late '80s and recycled here. )

Anyway, since the knees are up -- and fashion's forward! -- that can only mean that it's once again time for the Friday Random Ten. You know the drill by now, so let's do this thing.

1. Rose Royce, "Born to Love You" -- Oh, that's a nice start. This is straight off the Car Wash soundtrack, and it's funkier and flier than Franklin Ajaye's massive afro. You might think that massive hand clapping would detract from this song. If so, you're a narc. 8/10

2. Pharoah Sanders, "Astral Traveling (Boozoo Bajou Remix)" -- This is a recent purchase, and one I'm not entirely settled on. It's a fairly atmospheric remix of the Sanders jazz tune, not all that thrilling but not too bad. Eh. 6/10

3. The Replacements, "Here Comes a Regular" -- I'd like to this of this as the Mats rebuttal to the "Cheers" theme song, one in which they envision Norm Peterson as a semi-suicidal type in a love-hate relationship with a closeted and certifiably crazy Cliff Claven. Maybe I'm reaching here. 7/10

4. Ray Charles, "Lonely Avenue" -- A classic bit of Atlantic-era Charles. It's a little bit plodding in parts, but given the theme of the song, I suppose that's the way he meant it. 7/10

5. Pixies, "Here Comes Your Man" -- The first and the only song I ever really learned how to play on the bass guitar. Probably the poppiest the Pixies ever got, so much so that it even yielded a medium-rotation music video. If I'm remembering this correctly, the band refused to lip sync for the video and instead simply opened their mouths wide whenever they had a line to sing. A nice touch. 8/10

6. The Isley Brothers, "Work to Do" -- Although most people never get past "Who's That Lady," the Isleys put together some wonderful R&B and funk numbers during their career. And this was certainly a great one -- powerful soul lyrics, a nice guitar riff, and incredible harmonizing. This is a perfect song for the morning commute. 10/10

7. Stereolab, "Ping Pong" -- Some sweet electronica love from the excellent Mars Audiac Quintet album. So many of Stereolab's songs seem to hinge on a minor moment, and this one comes together with the light la-de-dahs in the background vocals. Catchy as hell. 9/10

8. Common, "Go!" -- I'm normally a big fan of Common and guest vocalist Kanye West, but for some reason this song just never really did anything for me. Maybe it's the way the word "Go" is repeated three hundred times. Maybe. 5/10

9. Dead Kennedys, "Let's Lynch the Landlord" -- I've always wondered if Jello Biafra was a homeowner when this song came out and, if not, whether this was a not-so-subtle attempt to get out of some back rent. One of the more melodic efforts off the classic Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables. Cripes, it even has a guitar solo. WTF? 8/10

10. Bonnie "Prince" Billy, "Ignition" -- This is a live cover of a disturbing R. Kelly sex song. As anyone who's seen his 148-part epic video series knows, R. Kelly is the undisputed master of the modern metaphor, and here he uses automotive imagery to suggest sexual acts. Sadly, I must've listened to it a half dozen times before I realized what the repeated call to "switch lanes" meant. In this version from a 2004 concert, Will Oldham milks the magic for all it's worth. 10/10

Hey, that gives me a stunning 8.0 average on the coolness scales. I'm not sure, but that might be an all-time record. Hard to say, though. Much like Oliver North and other true patriots, we shred most of our records here so they can't be used against us.

Alright, folks, let's see what you've got. Give us your own random ten in the comments, and if you're feeling saucy, Bernaise, throw in a coolness self-audit as well.

Frontrunner for Treasury Sec. Job Emerges

After weeks of flailing around for someone, anyone, to take the Treasury position, a strong candidate has arisen in the northwest.

An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say.

At first blush, he doesn’t appear to be a Bush man. He’s not from Texas, he didn’t work in the Nixon or Ford administration, and he prefers smoking his drug of choice rather than snorting it. But look closer - specifically, look at his qualities of Character.

• He is a decider. He decided to kill himself, and he had a nail gun. By gummit, he wasn’t going to sit around and debate whether or not he should use the nail gun to kill himself.

• He is strong in the face of temporary setbacks. Most Oregonians would have changed course after the first 4 or 5 nails to the head. They would have been wracked with self doubt: “Gee, maybe shooting 2-inch nails into my head isn’t the best way to do this. Maybe I should just give up and use spit balls.” But no, this man went the distance, pumping the full dozen into his cranium.

• He’s not afraid to mildly bend, shade, tweak, or fluff the truth for a just cause. When you intentionally inject a dozen nails into your skull and still not die, you don’t tell the docs it was a failed suicide attempt. That’ll just make your hospital bill bigger, what with the round-the-clock surveillance and psych help. (See? He’s good at saving money.) Besides, do we want the terrorists to think we’re so incompetent that we can’t even kill ourselves with nail guns? Osama would laugh himself silly.

• He firmly holds maintains his vision, even if that vision appears to lead to disastrous results. A lot of weaker men might sit back and say “I shot 12 nails into my head on purpose. Everyone says I have to stop using meth and not shoot nails into my brain. Maybe I should do that.” Hell no! This man left his rehab program early, against doctor’s orders. He is strong in his belief that he can shoot 12 nails into his head anytime he wants and there will be no problems, except maybe a headache - that is, as long as he sticks to his fundamental vision that life is better with meth. This is the kind of man who can convince everyone that tax cuts are always good, no matter what.

• If the democrats in congress still manage to wreck the economy and the prez needs to pin the blame on somebody in his cabinet, our Oregon friend has the best excuse ever. “I’m sorry for ruining the president’s perfect plan for a perfect economy, but I shot 12 nails in my head awhile back. Twelve freakin’ nails.”

Of course, Pinhead (I mean that in the good Hellraiser way, not the bad Bill O’Reilly way) has only just caught the attention of W’s staffers, and the way he handles himself over the next few days is crucial. Now that the feckless mainstream elitist media filter has published their biased twisting of the events, will he push back with appropriate vigor? Can he convince middle America that he never shot 12 nails into his head, and that if it did happen it was probably the fault of his liberal neighbor who left his shiny new nail gun in his only-moderately secured tool shed?

Only time will tell, but I’m rooting for you, Pinny.

"Feed Mayonnaise to the Tuna .... Call Starkist."

While trolling over at Sideshow Bob's place, I just had an idea for a new bumpersticker slogan. (I knew it was an idea, because my head hurt something fierce, and yet I hadn't had any ice cream today.)

Anyway, I have to get it out before it overtakes my brain's usual repository of useless knowledge and football stats. Here it is:

You can't spell HUBRIS without BUSH.

What do you think. Is it too literate? Too likely to invoke an "egghead loves his booky-wooks" comment? Does the word "Bush" in capital letters make you giggle like a schoolboy?

Liberalism and Authenticity

Over at the Huffington Post, Thomas Frank reviews Joe Klein's new book and rips him a new one:

Liberalism sucks, authenticity rocks: All else in Politics Lost (and, indeed, in all the Klein works I have read) can be extrapolated from these two fixed points. So: If someone strikes Mr. Klein as authentic, you can be fairly sure he's not a liberal. And conversely: If someone is the "New" kind of Democrat who pooh-poohs economic liberalism, you can be similarly confident that within a few paragraphs ol' Joe will pronounce him to be a one-of-a-kind Turnip-Day American, brimming with leadership and humanity.

This makes for a truly bizarre series of conclusions, the first and most important of which is the courageousness of centrism. Up until now you have probably thought that when you saw Democrats dumping their traditional principles in order to run pallid, market-tested campaigns appealing to swing voters with rhetoric borrowed from the G.O.P., they were doing so because they had been listening to consultants, pollsters, focus groups, and so on. Well--according to Mr. Klein, you have it precisely backwards. In Joe's world, the consultants and the pollsters and even the money are all on the other side, forever driving the cowardly politicians to the partisan extremes. Consultants on the Democratic side seem always to turn out to be liberals in Mr. Klein's telling, and liberalism itself is usually the sad result of a candidate listening to consultants. What the Democratic party is in need of is what Mr. Klein calls a "radical middle" that talks truth rather than liberal platitude.

The whole piece is brilliant and certainly worth a read -- if for no other reason than to understand the Turnip Day reference. Go!

Update: Through Atrios, I see that the piece over at the Huffington Post is just an excerpt of a longer, better piece. Read the full thing here.