Thursday, July 31, 2008

Caption Contest

We've received an urgent request to add something to the site and move -- and I quote -- "Stevens' porn star vag lips" down the page.

Accordingly, it's time for another caption contest. As much as I'm enjoying the new ROFLBot application, sometimes you just have to let democracy run wild.

So have at them.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

This is Mr. Belding

No, seriously. This is Mr. Belding.

Hot Off The Intertubes

Senator Ted Stevens, a notorious asshole and chronic crybaby -- whom my colleague Thrillhous once dubbed "Senator Baby Made a Boom Boom" -- has at long last been indicted.
Alaska Republican Sen. Ted Stevens was charged Tuesday with making false statements after a wide-ranging probe into ties between an energy company and lawmakers in his home state, according to a federal indictment.

In a 28-page indictment from a federal grand jury, Stevens was charged with seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial forms.

FBI and Internal Revenue Service agents searched Stevens' Alaska home in July 2007 in connection with the probe, which has already snared two oil-company executives and a state lobbyist.
Given that the Republican governor and sole Republican member of the House are both coming under investigation as well, we might just be seeing a clean sweep in Alaska. Bring it.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Corvette Summer

By now you've heard that Bob Novak, the spy-outingest pundit in DC, hit a man with his Corvette a few days ago. The original story was that the man was 66 and had very minor injuries. Turns out the injuries were a bit more significant, and the man is 86.

No word on whether two puncture wounds were found on the man's neck.

Yearly Music Audit

Courtesy of Mr. Furious, I've been tagged with one of the latest blog memes to circle these here intertubes.

You're supposed to use the album lists on Wikipedia to come up with a year-by-year breakdown of your favorites, from the year of your birth until now. The rules are pretty loose. I'm selecting in terms of what I like now, as opposed to what I actually listened to then. (Apologies to the outstanding cast of Free to Be You and Me! for the snub.)

Some years were brutal because there was nothing good -- apparently the election of Ronald Reagan depressed the hell out of the music world, because 1981 was a fucking desert -- and others were brutal because there were tons of terrific albums released. But here's what I settled on, in a wholly arbitrary fashion.

1972: Curtis Mayfield, Superfly
1973: Sly and the Family Stone, Fresh
1974: Velvet Underground, 1969: The Velvet Underground Live
1975: Led Zeppelin, Physical Graffiti
1976: Stevie Wonder, Songs in the Key of Life
1977: Iggy Pop, Lust for Life
1978: Police, Outlandos d'Amour
1979: Funkadelic, Uncle Jam Wants You!
1980: AC/DC, Back in Black
1981: Rolling Stones, Tattoo You (wow, what a shit year for music)
1982: The Clash, Combat Rock

Violent Femmes, Violent Femmes: 1983
R.E.M., Reckoning: 1984
The Cure, The Head on the Door: 1985
The Smiths, The Queen is Dead: 1986
The Replacements, Pleased to Meet Me: 1987
The Pixies, Surfer Rosa: 1988
De La Soul, 3 Feet High and Rising: 1989
Public Enemy, Fear of a Black Planet: 1990
My Bloody Valentine, Loveless: 1991
Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted: 1992
Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville: 1993

1994: Weezer, Weezer (Blue Album)
1995: Björk, Post
1996: R.E.M., New Adventures in Hi-Fi
1997: Radiohead, OK Computer
1998: Lauryn Hill, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
1999: The Roots, Things Fall Apart
2000: Outkast, Stankonia
2001: Gorillaz, Gorillaz
2002: Blackalicious, Blazing Arrow
2003: Death Cab for Cutie, Transatlanticism
2004: Arcade Fire, Funeral

Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary: 2005
Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere: 2006
Radiohead, In Rainbows: 2007
Flight of the Conchords, Flight of the Conchords: 2008
Again, some of these were easy decisions, but for most years -- either because of bumper crops or deadly dry spells -- there were probably a half dozen ones that would have been tied.

Feel free to add your objections, substitutions, and full-blown lists of your own in the comments. And I'd really love to hear your answers for 1981: The Year The Music Died.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Meanwhile, at the Stately Crawford Ranch...

In keeping with the current Dark Knight excitement that's sweeping the nation, the Wall Street Journal has published a Batman-themed op-ed which appropriately begins with the words "a cry for help."

It's pathetic, even by WSJ standards:
A cry for help goes out from a city beleaguered by violence and fear: A beam of light flashed into the night sky, the dark symbol of a bat projected onto the surface of the racing clouds . . .

Oh, wait a minute. That's not a bat, actually. In fact, when you trace the outline with your finger, it looks kind of like . . . a "W."

There seems to me no question that the Batman film "The Dark Knight," currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war. Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past.
It gets worse from there.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Film Forum

I haven't managed to get tickets to see Dark Knight yet -- stupid soldout IMAX theaters -- but the word on the street is that this thing is going to be big. Gabby Hayes big.

The film is packed with terrific performances, but keep your eyes peeled for a cameo by none other than Senator Pat Leahy. He makes an appearance in a ballroom scene where Heath Ledger's Joker puts a knife to his throat. Apparently, Leahy's a big Batman fan and the director was impressed by how he had handled himself when Leahy had a similar run-in with the Penguin.

Consider this an open thread for a discussion of all things movies. For starters, the new trailer for the Watchmen movie has me all tingly, but talk about what you'd like. But please don't put in any spoilers for Mamma Mia! because I haven't seen it yet.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Another Dick Vitale Achievement

Today my toddler decided 4am was a great wakeup time, despite my many logical arguments to the contrary. None of the usual stuff was working (rocking, singing, absinthe, etc.), so I figured she was up for good.

Around 7:30 we were flopped on the couch with a book, ESPN on in the background, and the kid lost interest in the book. She sat up and watched the TV, on which Mike and Mike were interviewing Dick Vitale by phone.

A couple minutes of "yeah baby!" and "he's a great family man," and she was out like a light.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fiscal Flatulence

If you haven't read the latest op-ed piece from Frank Rich, go read it now.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Weathervane McCain

If you haven't seen the ever-expanding list of John McCain's flip-flops over at the Carpetbagger Report, it's worth taking a look.

As you can see, John McCain is such a mavericky straight-talkin' maverick that he's able to defy logic itself and take all sides of virtually every issue there is. It's impressive.

Be sure to check it out. Better yet, be sure to pass the link along to the independents and conservatives in your life. The lapdogs in the media sure won't.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Meet the Press

Looks like there are actually some reporters out there who aren't completely smitten with the McCain campaign.

Nice to see the McCain press secretary and her aides handle this so clumsily. In their defense, St. Louis certainly isn't a major media market and Missouri is never to an important swing state in presidential races. Pissing off all the local TV stations definitely won't come back to bite them.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Need for Speed

So CNN has been running a fluff piece interview with Cindy McCain all day.

The upshot is that, unlike that evil terrorist Michelle Obama, the Second Mrs. McCain is just a regular ol' billionaire heiress gal who hobnobs with NASCAR drivers and thinks the only way you can travel around Arizona is by "small private plane." (That last bit is missing from the even fluffier write-up on Of course.)

The best part is that, this afternoon, deep from his undisclosed location in The Situation Room, chronic shouter Wolf Blitzer introduced the piece with a comment on Cindy McCain's "need for speed."

Uh, Wolf, given her history, that's probably not the best phrase to use there.

Putting the "Ass" in "Associated Press"

For those of us commie pinko fags who read the newspapers, the steady but unmistakable decline of the Associated Press in the past year has been bewildering.

They've suddenly gone from being the gold standard for objective journalism, to a bunch of pathetic lapdogs sucking up to McCain with his favorite donuts and running bitchy hit pieces on Obama. It's like they replaced their reporters with the scribblings of a middle school's girls' bathroom, as dutifully and damningly chronicled by the Carpetbagger Report.

But nothing I'd seen so far had prepared me for this little nugget:
Karl Rove exchanged e-mails about Pat Tillman with Associated Press reporter Ron Fournier, under the subject line "H-E-R-O." In response to Mr. Fournier's e-mail, Mr. Rove asked, "How does our country continue to produce men and women like this," to which Mr. Fournier replied, "The Lord creates men and women like this all over the world. But only the great and free countries allow them to flourish. Keep up the fight."
To repeat, that's the head of the Associated Press telling Karl Rove to "Keep up the fight." I'd have to think even some of the hacks at Faux News would find that to be over the line.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Black and White

So which is it?

Is Barack Obama a scary black militant black radical black Muslimy black man?

Or is Barack Obama really a white man in disguise, and simply not authentically black enough, as this authority on all things Afrocentric tells us?

I'd really appreciate it if the sixth-grade girls who run our media could just pick one stupid stereotype and run with it.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


Built with the quick and idiot-proof ROFLBot site. Expect to see more of these, folks.

Five Things

As a way to avoid spending every waking second talking about his kids, my friend and his wife started playing the Five Things game: you pick a topic, and then you have to name five things on that topic.

Some recent ones:

Five cars whose names begin with "S."
Five Best Male or Female Actors (Oscar).
Five Stephen King books.
Five countries in Africa.
Five professional skaters.
Five supermarket chains not located in the state in which you currently reside.

Yes, life with kids is thrilling. Feel free to take a shot an any of these in the comments, or suggest your own topic (my contribution: Five cities in Iraq, excluding Baghdad).

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Four More Years

I knew the McCain camp was touchy about the "third Bush term" stuff, but this is fucking ridiculous.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Caption Contest

I'm sure that featuring John McCain in a caption contest will immediately be denounced by the corporate media as an effort to insult his military service and impugn his integrity, but we all have to take our chances these days.

Have at him. But just to be safe, someone get Andrea Mitchell a paper bag to hyperventilate into.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

"Professor, Would You Say It's Time for Our Viewers to Panic?"

If you thought former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan got nervous behind the podium, take a look at the way this Assistant Secretary of the Treasury handles himself.

Hard to believe the economy's in the toilet with leadership like this.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Herlihy Boy ‘08

It seems like the case for President McCain is becoming little more than a guilt trip. He was tortured for our country! Vote for him, dammit!

And of course, the flip side: If you do vote for McCain, it’s almost as if you went to war and were tortured yourself. You’re a hero, dammit!

It reminds me of the Chris Farley-Adam Sandler skit from SNL, Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service. Adam Sandler is McCain, and Chris Farley plays the role of the liberal media.

Independence Day

Ed.: An old one, reposted to honor the meaning of Independence Day

Mark Twain is, without contest, my favorite author of all time.

More than any writer before or since, Twain somehow managed to combine excellent story-telling, first-class sarcasm, and biting social commentary in a nice tight package. I've always loved him for the first two traits, but the more and more this country comes under the sway of the Banana Republicans, I'm really appreciating his clear-eyed take on patriotism and democracy.

For instance, take this passage from The Papers of the Adams Family:
Against our traditions we are now entering upon an unjust and trivial war, a war against a helpless people, and for a base object — robbery. At first our citizens spoke out against this thing, by an impulse natural to their training. Today they have turned, and their voice is the other way.

What caused the change? Merely a politician's trick — a high-sounding phrase, a blood-stirring phrase which turned their uncritical heads: Our Country, right or wrong! An empty phrase, a silly phrase. It was shouted by every newspaper, it was thundered from the pulpit, the Superintendent of Public Instruction placarded it in every schoolhouse in the land, the War Department inscribed it upon the flag.

And every man who failed to shout it or who was silent, was proclaimed a traitor — none but those others were patriots. To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

For in a republic, who is "the Country"? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant — merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "the country?" Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t.

In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country; in a republic it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catch-phrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide it against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country — hold up your head! You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.

This Republic's life is not in peril. The nation has sold its honor for a phrase. It has swung itself loose from its safe anchorage and is drifting, its helm is in pirate hands.
"The nation has sold its honor for a phrase." I can't think of a better single-sentence condemnation of the Bush Administration's empty slogans and dead hearts.

I want my goddamn country back. I only hope there's enough of it left to salvage once the Bush gang gets done stripping it for parts.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

"We've Officially Bottomed Out"

If you've missed the media hysteria over Gen. Wesley Clark's insane, outrageous, outlandish comment that simply being a military veteran doesn't entitle you to a free pass on issues of foreign policy, TPM has distilled the hyperventilation into a nice little clip here.

Man, I wonder why the cable networks keep losing viewers.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Family Values

Jesus's General is hoping to help out the Family Values Republicans with a new set of ads.