Never Go Full Retard

This is like watching the Hindenberg explode.

And as Michelle Bachmann will explain to you, with her deep knowledge of history, the Hindenberg was a spaceship designed by Alfred Einstein that blew up and killed the Wright Brothers.

Freedumb

This is some powerfully strong stupid from Sen. Jim DeMint.

CNN's Rick Sanchez reacts to it like he's been hit in the face by a skunk. And rightfully so.

The Breaking Point

Not even Fox News's own anchors are buying its bullshit anymore.

LLatPoN Classic: Maddening

Given the exciting news that semifunctional mongoloid John Madden is retiring -- or being mercy-killed, a la Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" -- I thought it would be nice to repost an old favorite from 2005.

Enjoy. Or don't. See if I care.

As regular readers of LLatPoN will recognize, the bloggers here are all 100% American. And as such, we're all ridiculously huge football fans.

The fall is a holy time for us, as it brings not just the return of the NFL and college ball, but enough related activity -- like fantasy leagues and an extra thirty or so hours of TV time -- to fill the voids that are our lives. My wife blessedly lets me have Sundays to myself, my friends and my DirecTV NFL Uberfan package, and I enter a warm and friendly womb in which NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is my benevolent and wise ruler.

So I love football; I live for football. But as the modern-day poets of Poison reminded us, every rose has its thorns. And the biggest, fattest, dumbest thorn of football season is, without doubt, John Madden.

I know there are people for whom Madden embodies all that's great about football, but I have it on good authority that all such people are communists. Madden may have had good days with the Raiders way back when and he might have lucked into endorsing the hottest NFL video game, but at his current job -- color commentary -- he is absofuckinglutely horrible.

A good color man will offer insight on the game, thoughts on why a certain kind of offensive play worked, what kind of coverage the defense is using, what strategies are being employed and what adjustments are being made on the fly. Madden, however, tends to offer the kind of color commentary that would come from a seeing-eye dog: He simply describes what's happening as if you didn't see it yourself, and he does so with the intelligence of a slightly retarded labrador retriever. A slightly retarded labrador retriever who likes to yell "BOOM!" a lot.

His commentary during the action generally veers between the obvious and the oblivious. Here's a pearl of wisdom that just came down live: "It's almost impossible to play offensive football without an offensive line." Really? Who knew? If his comments aren't empty to begin with, they slowly circle into nothingness, like a turd in the toilet bowl. This isn't an exact quote -- remembering it perfectly would cause me to slip into a coma -- but there was a line from tonight's game that went something like this: "You see, Robert Ferguson can give you the short catch, and he can give you a medium catch, and he can give you a long catch too. So there are a lot of catches he can make, and he made one there. A good medium catch."

The instant replay is normally where a color man shines, but for Madden it's where the inanity shines through. Most of his replay commentary falls into two categories. First is the hey-didja-see-that? style that would've been perfect for the golden age of radio, but which doesn't really add much to the televised game. Yes, John, I saw that one guy hit that other guy real good and then the one guy fell down. Thanks for the insight. Second is the telestrator replay, where Madden gets to play with his crayons all over the pretty screen. There is nothing too inconsequential or too obvious that Madden can't break out the telestrator and dumb it down more. I once saw him circle the different kinds of cleats on a running back's shoes. Gripping, John. Gripping.

Alright, halftime's over. Back to the game and the ageless wisdom of the man who created the turducken. Thank God I have Lionel Hutz's wisdom to guide me. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Turd Blossom

And it's Jonathan Chait for the win.

Tea Bagging

This may be the single greatest moment in cable news history.

See if you can count how many sexual puns Schuster crams into this segment. I lost count at twenty or so.

History, Who Knows? We'll All Be Dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, the George W. Bush Presidential Librarium.

If You're Lucky, Ladies, He'll Show You His "O" Face

Audio clips from Bill O'Reilly's novel available over at the Village Voice blog.

I thought about picking one sample, but it's just impossible to choose one.

I mean, do I go with a short snappy clip like Bill saying "I wish I were a lesbian"? Or do I go with an extended, disturbingly graphic sex scene?

Seriously, I dare you to try and listen to just one clip.

They're like Pringles -- stale, white, and best consumed by the handful.

CNBCockblocked

If you missed last night's epic showdown between Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer, holy crap.

It was like watching Mike Tyson mercilessly kick the everloving shit out of a third-grade girl. (Not only did he humiliate Cramer, but he might have gotten Cramer a nice little SEC investigation of his own.) In thirty years, they're going to revisit this interview as a full-length movie, sort of a cross between "Frost/Nixon" and "When We Were Kings." Stew-art, boom-a-ye! Stew-art, boom-a-ye!

You can check out the full interview online, including bits that had to be edited out for time. Part 1 of 3 is available on the Comedy Central website here.

They had me at the carrots

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more

Dear Porn Producers

Enough with the spitting already.

Thanks, etc.

Mr. Jindal's Neighborhood

I still say that Bobby Jindal sounded exactly like Kenneth the Page from "30 Rock," but this take is simpler and even more devastating.



Update: And now, a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

F vs S

It isn't even close


the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

The Audacity of Nope

Stephen Colbert has been bringing his A-game lately. Last night's installment of "The Wørd" was priceless.

High Five Inauguration

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos

Inauguration Memories

Me and the wife, talking on Tuesday afternoon.

Me: "... Not a bad day so far. I had that Bush's Homestyle Chili for lunch. Pretty good for premade stuff."
Wife: "So you're celebrating the inauguration by shitting out some Bushes?"

She's a keeper, folks.

President Obama

For eight years, living in the United States has felt like riding in the backseat of a runaway cab driven at top speed by a drunken mental patient who cut out the seat belts to make a special hat that would keep the aliens from Zeltron-5 from stealing his precious bodily fluids.

And now all of a sudden, there's been a shift change and we have someone at the wheel who's smart, reflective, and competent. I know I can start to unclench my buttocks, but it's going to take a little while before I get used to the new guy.

Taibbi v. Friedman

For Matt Taibbi, the aching idiocy of Thomas Friedman is a sore tooth he just can't stop touching.

In Hot, Flat and Crowded, the money shot comes when Friedman starts doodling on a napkin over lunch with Moisés Naím, editor of Foreign Policy magazine. The pre-lunching Friedman starts drawing, and the wisdom just comes pouring out:

I laid out my napkin and drew a graph showing how there seemed to be a rough correlation between the price of oil, between 1975 and 2005, and the pace of freedom in oil-producing states during those same years.

Friedman then draws his napkin-graph, and much to the pundit’s surprise, it turns out that there is almost an exact correlation between high oil prices and “unfreedom”! The graph contains two lines, one showing a rising and then descending slope of “freedom,” and one showing a descending and then rising course of oil prices.

Friedman plots exactly four points on the graph over the course of those 30 years. In 1989, as oil prices are falling, Friedman writes, “Berlin Wall Torn Down.” In 1993, again as oil prices are low, he writes, “Nigeria Privatizes First Oil Field.” 1997, oil prices still low, “Iran Calls for Dialogue of Civilizations.” Then, finally, 2005, a year of high oil prices: “Iran calls for Israel’s destruction.”

I looked at this and thought: “Gosh, what a neat trick!” Then I sat down and drew up my own graph, called SIZE OF VALERIE BERTINELLI’S ASS, 1985-2008, vs. HAPPINESS. It turns out that there is an almost exact correlation!

Read the whole thing.

"Kent, I'd Be Lying If I Said My Men Weren't Committing Crimes"

Incredible piece in The Nation about racial vigilantes in New Orleans after Katrina. Go. Now.

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion by Zach Galifianakis