Summer Lovin'

With the end of the regular season of television, we're about to be inundated with a summer full of bargain-bin network programming like So You Think You Can Yodel? and America's Top Bass Fisherman.

While some people will try to fill the void of decent programming by enduring the waking coma known as Major League Baseball or the morphine drip of golf -- sorry, I had to pause and yawn just typing that -- there are other shows out there on the non-network stations. So, unless you're Amish and don't have cable, let me recommend some shows to check out.

Breaking Bad: After the success they had with "Mad Men," AMC has put out another impressive-as-hell show with this one.

For the uninitiated, it stars the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" as a chemistry teacher who becomes a meth kingpin. (No, I'm not high.) The rest of the cast is terrific -- Bob Odenkirk has a recurring role as a strip mall Tom Hagen consigliere/lawyer, for instance -- but Cranston is just fucking amazing. There's a reason he won the Emmy for his first season work, and this season is even better.

If you liked "The Shield" or "The Sopranos," check this out. It's nearing the end of the run, but AMC should be showing it again in repeats.

Party Down: This season just wrapped up, but I'd be surprised if Starz -- yes, that's a real cable network -- doesn't re-run this on an infinite loop. It's a dark comedy about a catering company. There's an amazing regular ensemble which includes a lot of hey-I-know-that-guy! supporting actors like Adam Scott and Martin Starr (everything Judd Apatow), Ken Marino ("The State"), and Jane Lynch ("Best in Show"). The weekly guest stars are pretty great too -- Stephen Webber from "Wings" did a bit as a Russian mobster that was hysterical, and Ed Begley played a weed-and-Viagra hustler on the make at a seniors' singles seminar. (No, I'm still not high.)

Burn Notice: This one is on the USA Network, which has also come a hell of a long way in original programming lately. Again, for the uninitiated, it's about a spy who's blackballed from the profession and left to his own devices in Miami. I came to this one really late, after hearing how great it was from too many people. What won me over was their casting Bruce Campbell as the sidekick. The new season starts up soon, and this seems to be an easy one to join in late.

Anything else good on? It's a long hot summer until we get football and fall programming. Let's talk.

Jesse Ventura Beats Up a Girl

Actually, make that three girls.

He bitchslaps Sean Hannity here and makes Brian Kilmeade of "Fox and Fuhrers" look like the bunched-panties tool he is here.

Creeping Socialism

Courtesy of Balloon Juice, the single best smackdown to the titans of industry who still don't fucking get it.

I see little reason to give credence to those alarmists who see the Chrysler case setting a dangerous precedent. With the admittedly substantial exception of General Motors—whose existing creditors should be busy stocking up on Vaseline, ball gags, and Motrin—I cannot fathom why the government would want to get more broadly involved in corporate restructurings. The process causes massive amounts of brain damage, absolutely nobody likes the result—with the possible exception of the lunatic fringe on the left—and it sets up the Administration for all sorts of political pain in the future. There is absolutely no upside and tons of downside, which is a situation so anathema to politicians that most of them spend their entire careers dodging difficult decisions that would land them in such soup. Obama cannot be happy about it, unless he is an idiot or a nut. I will hazard an educated guess that he is neither.

The whole thing is great. Forward it on to the wingnuts in your life.

Well, Somebody Has Time to Bleed

I would give anything to see this.

RIP, Dom DeLuise

Never Go Full Retard

This is like watching the Hindenberg explode.

And as Michelle Bachmann will explain to you, with her deep knowledge of history, the Hindenberg was a spaceship designed by Alfred Einstein that blew up and killed the Wright Brothers.

Freedumb

This is some powerfully strong stupid from Sen. Jim DeMint.

CNN's Rick Sanchez reacts to it like he's been hit in the face by a skunk. And rightfully so.

The Breaking Point

Not even Fox News's own anchors are buying its bullshit anymore.

LLatPoN Classic: Maddening

Given the exciting news that semifunctional mongoloid John Madden is retiring -- or being mercy-killed, a la Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" -- I thought it would be nice to repost an old favorite from 2005.

Enjoy. Or don't. See if I care.

As regular readers of LLatPoN will recognize, the bloggers here are all 100% American. And as such, we're all ridiculously huge football fans.

The fall is a holy time for us, as it brings not just the return of the NFL and college ball, but enough related activity -- like fantasy leagues and an extra thirty or so hours of TV time -- to fill the voids that are our lives. My wife blessedly lets me have Sundays to myself, my friends and my DirecTV NFL Uberfan package, and I enter a warm and friendly womb in which NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is my benevolent and wise ruler.

So I love football; I live for football. But as the modern-day poets of Poison reminded us, every rose has its thorns. And the biggest, fattest, dumbest thorn of football season is, without doubt, John Madden.

I know there are people for whom Madden embodies all that's great about football, but I have it on good authority that all such people are communists. Madden may have had good days with the Raiders way back when and he might have lucked into endorsing the hottest NFL video game, but at his current job -- color commentary -- he is absofuckinglutely horrible.

A good color man will offer insight on the game, thoughts on why a certain kind of offensive play worked, what kind of coverage the defense is using, what strategies are being employed and what adjustments are being made on the fly. Madden, however, tends to offer the kind of color commentary that would come from a seeing-eye dog: He simply describes what's happening as if you didn't see it yourself, and he does so with the intelligence of a slightly retarded labrador retriever. A slightly retarded labrador retriever who likes to yell "BOOM!" a lot.

His commentary during the action generally veers between the obvious and the oblivious. Here's a pearl of wisdom that just came down live: "It's almost impossible to play offensive football without an offensive line." Really? Who knew? If his comments aren't empty to begin with, they slowly circle into nothingness, like a turd in the toilet bowl. This isn't an exact quote -- remembering it perfectly would cause me to slip into a coma -- but there was a line from tonight's game that went something like this: "You see, Robert Ferguson can give you the short catch, and he can give you a medium catch, and he can give you a long catch too. So there are a lot of catches he can make, and he made one there. A good medium catch."

The instant replay is normally where a color man shines, but for Madden it's where the inanity shines through. Most of his replay commentary falls into two categories. First is the hey-didja-see-that? style that would've been perfect for the golden age of radio, but which doesn't really add much to the televised game. Yes, John, I saw that one guy hit that other guy real good and then the one guy fell down. Thanks for the insight. Second is the telestrator replay, where Madden gets to play with his crayons all over the pretty screen. There is nothing too inconsequential or too obvious that Madden can't break out the telestrator and dumb it down more. I once saw him circle the different kinds of cleats on a running back's shoes. Gripping, John. Gripping.

Alright, halftime's over. Back to the game and the ageless wisdom of the man who created the turducken. Thank God I have Lionel Hutz's wisdom to guide me. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Turd Blossom

And it's Jonathan Chait for the win.

Tea Bagging

This may be the single greatest moment in cable news history.

See if you can count how many sexual puns Schuster crams into this segment. I lost count at twenty or so.

History, Who Knows? We'll All Be Dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, the George W. Bush Presidential Librarium.

If You're Lucky, Ladies, He'll Show You His "O" Face

Audio clips from Bill O'Reilly's novel available over at the Village Voice blog.

I thought about picking one sample, but it's just impossible to choose one.

I mean, do I go with a short snappy clip like Bill saying "I wish I were a lesbian"? Or do I go with an extended, disturbingly graphic sex scene?

Seriously, I dare you to try and listen to just one clip.

They're like Pringles -- stale, white, and best consumed by the handful.

CNBCockblocked

If you missed last night's epic showdown between Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer, holy crap.

It was like watching Mike Tyson mercilessly kick the everloving shit out of a third-grade girl. (Not only did he humiliate Cramer, but he might have gotten Cramer a nice little SEC investigation of his own.) In thirty years, they're going to revisit this interview as a full-length movie, sort of a cross between "Frost/Nixon" and "When We Were Kings." Stew-art, boom-a-ye! Stew-art, boom-a-ye!

You can check out the full interview online, including bits that had to be edited out for time. Part 1 of 3 is available on the Comedy Central website here.

They had me at the carrots

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more

Dear Porn Producers

Enough with the spitting already.

Thanks, etc.

Mr. Jindal's Neighborhood

I still say that Bobby Jindal sounded exactly like Kenneth the Page from "30 Rock," but this take is simpler and even more devastating.



Update: And now, a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

F vs S

It isn't even close


the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

The Audacity of Nope

Stephen Colbert has been bringing his A-game lately. Last night's installment of "The Wørd" was priceless.

High Five Inauguration

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos