Caption Contest

Sorry for the lack of posting the past few days.

StudioDave and I were each out of the country celebrating the anniversary of our weddings -- to different women, not each other -- and while we were gone, iRod and Thrillhous apparently decided to hide under a pile of coats and hope that everything would somehow work out.

Anyway, we're all back and ready to roll. In honor of Halloween, here's a photo of the First Xanax User and a pumpkin. Have at it!

The Best Show on Television

If for no other reason, you should watch Battlestar Galactica because it's really pissing off the Doughy Pantload.

But alas, this love affair between Galactica and the right was not to last: in its third season, the show has morphed into a stinging allegorical critique of America’s three-year occupation of Iraq.

I'd excerpt more, but there are some spoilers if you haven't seen the series and are planning on picking up the DVDs (which you should).

Friday Random Ten

I can't say for certain, but I'm fairly certain that this album cover from Butch Yelton and Upbound was the inspiration for the movie Frailty, in which Bill Paxton swings his own little gospel axe and sends a bunch of demons back to the fiery depths of hell. Or maybe it was Bill Pullman. Hard to say.

Anyway, the appearance of supergroup Butch Yelton and Upbound -- man, that name just rolls off the tongue and right to Jesus's ear, don't it? -- means that it's time once again for the Friday Random Ten.

Audience participation has been slacking, as you people have devoted your attention to time-wasters like "work" and "family." So here's a refresher course on the FRT.

First of all, get out whatever thingamajig you use to play those new-fangled electronic songs, set it on random, and give us the first ten songs that come forth from the spirit world.

And, as always, if you're ready to run with the big kids, give us a Coolness Self-Audit as well. Remember, the audit is an optional feature for the FRT, sort of like power windows and curly fries.

1. Death Cab for Cutie, "Tiny Vessels" -- A very pretty song with some very ugly lyrics. I haven't checked in with Hipster Central to see if these kids are still the shit, but I don't care. Transatlanticism is one of my favorite albums of this decade, and this is one of its better tunes. 10/10

2. Dionne Warwick, "You're Gonna Need Me" -- Man, whatever happened to Dionne Warwick? (If only there was some way we could reach out and find our dear, long lost friend. If only....) This is actually a fantastic soul song, with some nice West Coast guitars and a great vocal track from Warwick. 8/10

3. Les Savy Fav, "Pills" -- A couple of these kids met while studying at the Rhode Island School of Design, which is how the Talking Heads got started too. The similarities end there, as LSF is a bit more all-up-in-your-grill than the Heads ever were. I'm not entirely sold on this song, but I certainly like the cut of their jib. 7/10

4. Frank Sinatra, "The Lady is a Tramp" -- As much as I respect and, yes, fear the Chairman of the Board, this was a song that always seemed to send him into the realm of self-parody. In the live versions, he'd always change "the lady" to "that koo-koo broad" by the time he hit his third chorus and fifth scotch. This is not even remotely cool, especially when set against Ella Fitzgerald's much better rendition. 4/10

5. Hayseed Dixie, "My Best Friend's Girl" -- These guys have apparently made a career out of performing bluegrass covers of rock tunes. (Their rendition of "Back in Black" is, in my opinion, fanfuckingtastic.) Here they take a swing at the Cars' classic. As Bill Hicks would say, it's a hoot. You gotta think about it, but it's a hoot. 6/10

6. Wolf Parade, "Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts" -- I cannot recommend this band strongly enough. I know, I know, you've been burned before, with all the overblown blogosphere buzz about the Arctic Monkeys, Tapes 'n' Tapes, and Of Montreal. But these gentlemen have stood the test of time. This album still kicks my ass, and seeing them live this year was probably one of the top ten concerts of my life or of any life, for that matter. Trust me. 10/10

7. Charles Wright, "65 Bars and a Taste of Soul" -- You may know Charles Wright from such previous hits as the original "Express Yourself" and "Doin' What Comes Naturally." This is an absolutely scorching instrumental, one that not only brings in the jazz but pushes out the funk. Brilliant. Do we have our first ever back-to-back perfect tens here at the FRT? Yes, Virginia. Yes we do. 10/10

8. Blind Willie Johnson, "Jesus Make Up My Dying Bed" -- I don't want to begrudge a dying bluesman his last wish, but it seems to me that if you were about to pass on and had the Messiah on the line, you might want to ask for everlasting salvation instead of a turn-down service. But that's just me. 6/10

9. Ghostface Killah, "Struggle" -- Another spinoff from the Wu-Tang Clan's vast empire. There are a few songs on this album that I really really like. This, however, isn't one of them. 5/10

10. Ram Jam, "Black Betty" -- Kick out the motherfucking jams, boys! If this song could maintain its full-throated swagger the whole way through, it'd have a chance of being the perfect classic rock tune. But they run out of steam about halfway through with a wholly unnecessary, tempo-destroying geetar solo. But all things considered, it's a pretty inspired take on an old blues traditional. (However, I believe the original version, performed by Leadbelly and others, lacks the Bonhamesque drum solo.) 7/10

All in all, that gives me a whopping 7.3 average. Considering I had three perfect tens this week, that's actually a little disappointing. Oh well, such is life during the Bush presidency. Can't get my hopes too high.

Alright, your turn. Think you're better than me? Because I will fight you.

No, no, wait, that's the liquor talking.

What I meant to say is -- kindly drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Punk.

Olbermann Alert #147

Via Crooks and Liars, here's a great segment from Olbermann on Limbaugh's sick attacks on Michael J. Fox for having Parkinsons and wanting a cure. You get the Fox commercial (first time I'd gotten to see it - very powerful), video of Limbaugh aping Fox's movements, snarky comments from Olbermann and Sam Seder, and a nice zinger at the end about the utter lack of GOP response when Fox filmed a similar commercial for a republican in '04. It's a quadfecta.

No Brainer

Cheney to humanity: fuck off and die.

Cheney indicated that the Bush administration doesn't regard water-boarding as torture and allows the CIA to use it. "It's a no-brainer for me," Cheney said at one point in an interview.

I've been so brainwashed. I thought that the Khymer Rouge were a loathesome bunch of zealots that tortured and killed people. Thank you, Dick Cheney, for showing me what a humane hero Pol Pot was. We must rewrite our history books.

Caption Contest

This one is just too good to pass up.

Have at him.

My Man Flint

At long last I can finally vote for James H. "Jim" Coburn for Senator.

What? You mean it's some other James H.?

Master of the Internets

I sometimes use the google to find me the sexy time.

Stay the Course

Say what you will about President Bush, but you have to admire the elephantitis-sized balls it takes to lie so shamelessly.

Halloween Comes Early

What's scarier than a SWAT team breaking into your house and treating you like a pedophile?

A SWAT team and 7 foot 1 inch, 325 pounds of backup.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest. Jump to it, people.

"No One Could Have Predicted..."

In an effort to diversify my rant recommendations beyond the blue chip stock of Keith Olbermann, let me kindly turn your attention to this hilarious riff by Bill Maher.

He dismantles the neocon think tanks and their 0.000 batting average in the realm of foreign policy predictions. Fantastic stuff.

Truth Hurts

Somehow, the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country. Somehow, this is tolerated. Somehow, nobody is accountable for this.
--Kevin Tillman, brother of Pat Tillman

Kevin Tillman understood that the world changed after 9/11. He and his brother joined the Army in spite of jobs and lives. He sounds a lot like those crazy unpatriotic folks who have had the audacity to question this administration.

ESPN's "Outside The Lines" did a great program on the events leading up the Pat Tillman's death. It was an impressive show for a sports show; be sure and keep an eye out for it.

His Mom Thinks He's Cool

Rick Santorum thinks he can pick up some dork votes by comparing Iraq to the eye of Mordor. This expose suggests he's barking up the wrong tree. (Disclaimer: LLPTN is not liable for any atomic wedgies you may receive from friends who catch you looking at these pics.)

Update (OM): TBogg has a brilliant spoof of the "Santorum and Ebert" schtick, where he explains all Republican policies with quotes from Raising Arizona. Pretty good.

Friday Random Ten

This week's featured album was apparently the result of some Dadaist art collective, pulling random words out of a hat to produce the cover art ("... circus ... polka ... duck ... clown ..."), and then doing the same with the song titles. How else can you explain titles like "Slap Happy Polka" and "Meet the Missus Polka"?

On second thought, the lead-off songs on side two might give a clue to their creative process: "Green Grass Polka" followed by "Dark Cloud Polka." Yeah, I think we're going to need a urine sample from Chuckles the Clown. Upon closer inspection, that might not be make-up after all.

Anyway.

The disturbing appearance of the clown from Stephen King's It and the Aflac duck can only mean that it's time for another exciting installment of the Friday Random Ten. You know what to do -- set the iPod to random, and give us the first ten songs that surface. And, if you're feeling competitive, toss in a Coolness Self-Audit, too. (And, no, don't worry -- you won't go blind if you self-audit.)

Here's mine:

1. Johnny Cash, "The Ballad of Ira Hayes" -- A Columbia era song-story about one of the four soldiers who raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. The story of what happened to those soldiers after their moment in the sun is a tragic one (soon to be a major motion picture, by the way) but the story of Hayes, a Pima Indian, is perhaps the saddest. Cash's song reveals a lot about his liberal sympathies, but it's not much of a tune. 3/10

2. Blondie, "Hanging on the Telephone" -- Classic. What more can I say? 8/10

3. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Blues Explosion Attack" -- This is a collaboration with Calvin Johnson and, once again, I'm let down. This is pretty much Spencer shouting street-corner insanity over a snare drum. Pfft. 2/10

4. Radiohead, "Rhinestone Cowboy (live)" -- A nice gem of a cover from the B-Sides collection. It's hard to do a lot when your inspiration is schlock, but you've got to admire Thom Yorke for going after Glen Campbell and doing it with a straight face. 6/10

5. Shirley Horn, "Return to Paradise (Mark DeClive-Lowe Remix)" -- This is a fairly innocuous remixing of Horn's original jazz tune, the kind of thing you'd find on a Buddha Bar CD compilation. Nice, but not spectacular. 6/10

6. Southern Culture on the Skids, "Mexy-Melt" -- These folks don't normally do the whole surf guitar thing, but you'd never know from this tune. Guitarist Rick Miller is absofuckinglutely on fire here with some angry, unrelenting riffs. 9/10

7. Rocket from the Crypt, "UFO>UFO>UFO" -- Speaking of angry and unrelenting, here's some in-your-grill post-punk from San Diego. I liked "Sturdy Wrists," but this is the kind of screaming cacophony that my father would've referred to as "narcotic music." Bleh. 1/10

8. Ray Charles, "I Got a Woman" -- How's that for an awkward transition? Straightforward Atlantic-era Charles, this is a good song that I can't hear anymore without thinking of Kanye West's "Gold Digger," and, moreover, the "George Bush Doesn't Care about Black People" remix by Legendary K.O. 6/10

9. Sonic Youth, "Ca Plane Pour Moi" -- An interesting cover of the early '80s pseudo-hit by Belgium's very own Plastic Bertrand. The French lyrics seem fun, until you translate them and realize he's singing lines like "Wham! Bam! My cat Splash lies on my bed with his tongue puffed out by drinking all my whisky." That's very deep, Felicity. Thanks for sharing. 7/10

10. Jurassic 5, "Break" -- I was in Austin last spring for a wedding the same time that J5 was in town to play a show at Stubbs. Tragically, the show was the same night as the rehearsal dinner, so we couldn't go. Even worse, a friend managed to chat up Charlie Tuna in our hotel lobby just five minutes before I walked in. Stupid timing. Great song. 9/10

That gives me a pathetic 5.7 average. Since I've burned all of our permanent records, I can't say for sure that that's the lowest score I've ever gotten, but it would have to be close.

I know you folks can do better than that. Give us your own Random Ten, with or without your own Coolness Self-Audit, and with or without your own condolences on my incredible uncoolness.

Lie Back and Enjoy It

Vladimir Putin envies Kobe Bryant and Mike Tyson -- but not for the reason you think.

Kommersant’s version — citing the remarks in Russian — was cruder. “He turned out to be quite a powerful man,” the paper’s reporter in the official Kremlin pool, Andrei Kolesnikov, quoted Mr. Putin as saying. “He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him.”

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

Regarding pension benefits from recently deceased and openly gay congressman Gerry Studds (emphasis mine):

Peter Graves, a spokesman for the Office of Personnel Management, which administers the congressional pension program, said same-sex partners are not recognized as spouses for any marriage benefits. He said Studds's case is the first of its kind known to the agency.

Under federal law, pensions can be denied only to lawmakers' same-sex partners and to people convicted of espionage or treason, Graves said.

1st Rule About Book Club - Don't Talk About Book Club

Help Loyal Order of the LLPON.com Crew.

Studiodave and his wife will be celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary next Thursday. We will be taking a cruise on the Caribbean.

Now, I need adice on books. Something intellectual but not challenging. Something funny but not "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

Thus far, I have "Moneyball," "Game of Shadows," "Truman"...

Please let me know....

Double Secret Probation

Think Progress has an amazing video clip of the Senate debate between Conrad Burns and Jon Tester in Montana. Here's the highlight:

CONRAD BURNS: I said we gotta win. He wants to pull out. He wants everybody to know our plan. That’s not smart. If you had a plan in order to win are you gonna tell the enemy? He’s not — the enemy’s not gonna tell us! That is absolutely unbelievable that anyone would take that approach! He says our president don’t have a plan. I think he’s got one. But he’s not gonna tell everybody in the whole world.

It's even better when you hear the open laughter Burns' comments evoke from the crowd.

Just like his brother C. Montgomery Burns, Conrad is crossing over from simple villainy to cartoonish supervillainy. What a maroon.

Reading Sucks Ass

One of the worst books of all time to become one of the worst movies of all time.