Friday Random Simpsons

Alright, folks, it's time once again for our new weekly feature which, in case you're too cool to read the titles here, is the Friday Random Simpsons.

Spin the wheel, raggedy man!

1. "Mobile Homer" -- This is a fairly tame episode from 2005, one in which Homer decides to blow the family's savings on an RV. Marge gets mad and throws him out, the two start competing for the kids' affections, Homer invites other RVs to park in the yard, etc. etc. There are a couple nice exchanges between Marge and Homer -- "I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries! It was twenty years ago!" "That was my Woodstock!" -- but the rest is a lot of filler. 3/10

2. "Homer Defined" -- A nice early episode from 1991, right when the series started to hit its stride. This is the one in which Homer averts a meltdown by poking blindly at the control panel. He's first hailed as a hero, and then, when he can't duplicate the feat in Shelbyville, rejected as a lucky idiot. Lots of nice quotes. "These unfortunate people here will be instantly killed. This circle, which I am sad to say we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death." "Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken. This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future." "Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!" 9/10

3. "Grift of the Magi" -- A fairly decent episode which features Springfield Elementary getting turned over to Kid First Industries, a company that uses the students as focus groups for the development of a new toy named Funzo. Some decent gags and nice lines, though the guest spot by Gary Coleman was a little weak. "Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend a class 9, or Robin Williams, level of hair coverage." "This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!" "The ironing is delicious." 7/10

4. "King of the Hill" -- This one features Homer's quest to get in shape with PowerSauce Bars in order to climb the region's largest mountain, the Murderhorn. With Ranier Wolfcastle in the mix, there are lots of nice moments. "Our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free!" "Now step over to the abdominator and I will shout slogans at you." "I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into one handy mouth-sized bar." 7/10

5. "Marge Gamer" -- You can't beat an anagram title, but this is an episode I haven't seen. Apparently, it aired this April and involved Marge getting into online computer gaming. Yeah. I've got nothing. N/A

6. "Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder" -- This is the one where Homer sneaks out of work to go bowling with Lenny and Carl ("Are POO and ASS taken?"), giving Marge the excuse that there's been a horrible accident involving Lenny. ("Oh no! Not Lenny!!") Homer winds up bowling a perfect game, despite Lenny's miscues ("What? I paid 7.10 for this split!") Kent Brockman covers the event, noting "This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield, which proves just how pitiful this town is." Pretty nice. 8/10

7. "Lost Our Lisa" -- A mediocre episode, in which Lisa takes the bus to the museum but gets on the wrong route and winds up lost. There are a couple good lines, including "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there ... save me Superman!" Other than that, not much. 4/10

8. "Separate Vocations" -- In this episode from the third season, Lisa and Bart take vocational aptitude tests, only to discover that Bart's best suited to become a cop and Lisa a homemaker. Lisa rebels and steals all the teacher's editions of the textbooks, and Bart the hall monitor has to investigate. Some nice moments. "I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating." "Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court." "Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?" 6/10

9. "Homer Goes To College" -- Jackpot! This is one of the best episodes they ever did, and I'm sure this crowd could spend all day trading quotes from this episode alone: "A bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big!" "Is 'TV Guide' a book? Son of Sniglets? Katherine Hepburn's 'Me'?" "Ugh. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds." "Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!" "I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" "There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. I am a jock." "We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf." "Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine." "Hell-oo ... that sounds like a pig fainting!" "Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!" Pure gold. If you want to understand why the Simpsons writers hate the alt.obsessive.nerd "fans" who mercilessly nitpick the show, just go take a look at their inane comments and poor opinions of this episode here. Pfft. 10/10

10. "Bart's Dog Gets an F" -- An even earlier episode, one where Santa's Little Helper is sent to obedience school. "'Choke chain' is a misnomer. Trust me. They are always breathing." "Sit! I said, Sit! ... Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt." A little thin on the funny, but some nice moments. 5/10

Alright, that's all I've got. There's plenty more to talk about here, so feel free to look the episodes up -- SNPP.com is a good bet, despite their asinine opinions -- and add in your own favorite moments and quotes in the comments below.