Friday Random Simpsons

Alright, let's do this thing.

1. "$pringfield (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)" -- This is a classic episode, centered around Mr. Burns' building a casino (and quickly going Howard Hughes crazy), Bart setting up a rival casino in his treehouse, and Marge succumbing to the awesome might of Gamblor and his neon claws. Tons of terrific lines here: "Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the 'Spruce Goose,' and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!" "I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir." "Very well; begin the thawing of Jim Nabors." "You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper." Pretty damn good. 9/10

2. "Lemon of Troy" -- I know a lot of people love this episode from the sixth season about the Springfield-Shelbyville fight over the town's lemon tree, but I tend to run a little hot and cold with it. It did, however, contain an exchange between Bart and Martin that led to a name for my fantasy football team: "Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin." "Team Discovery Channel!" Plus, a classic moment where Milhous meets his doppelganger: "So this is what it feels like ... when doves cry!" 7/10

3. "Dog of Death" -- This is a third-season episode, where the family has to scrimp and save for an operation for Santa's Little Helper. Some nice bits, especially this exchange:

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense, dogs are idiots. Think about it Smithers, if I came into your room and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: Umm...if you did it, sir?

They're still finding their way here, but a solid one. 6/10

4. "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington" -- A classic episode, when Lisa ... uh ... goes to Washington, to compete in a patriotic essay contest, only to have her faith in democracy shattered when she learns her congressman is corrupt. A coherent plot, with some nice lines. Since Trong won the essay contest, I'll let him have the honor here too: "When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why, whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded of that wonderful word: flag!" U-S-A! U-S-A! 8/10

5. "There's No Disgrace Like Home" -- According to this series of tubes I'm on, this was the fourth episode of the show ever aired. It focuses directly on the family's dysfunctions, with them seeking treatment at the hands of the never-popular Dr. Marvin Monroe, which leads them to a group electroshock therapy session. The episode is fairly weak by later standards, but it is noticeable for featuring what I'd assume would be Mr. Burns' first threat to release the hounds. 4/10

6. "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken" -- The one where the town imposes a curfew for all children, and the kids respond by broadcasting all the adults' secrets. Some nice lines: "Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse ..." "We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the internet!" "No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!" Not bad, not great. 6/10

7. "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore" -- A fairly recent episode that fuses together two completely different storylines -- one in which Patty and Selma meet Richard Dean Anderson, the actor who played MacGyver, and another in which the power plant is moved to India and Homer rules over the world of outsourced labor. I don't remember liking this one at all, and looking it over, couldn't even find a decent quote. Pfft. 2/10

8. "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" -- One from the fifth season, when Bart witnesses the Freddy Quimby incident but is unable to attest to his innocence because it would mean admitting he skipped school. Lots and lots of terrific lines here. "Please excuse my handwriting, I busted whichever hand it is I write with. Signed, Mrs. Simpson." "Why, there are no children here at the four-H club, either! Am I so out of touch...? No. No, it's the children who are wrong." "Happy birthday, Freddy! And may all your disgraces be private." "Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so ... [whispers] we'll have to be quiet." "I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I found out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say." "... where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO -- Ooh! 'Free Willy'!" "This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter." Solid all the way through. 9/10

9. "Bonfire of the Manatees" -- A recent one, where Homer's gambling debts lead him to let Fat Tony film pornos at his house, which leads Marge to a crush on a marine biologist. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I never saw this. Anyone? N/A

10. "Barting Over" -- This was the 300th episode of the show, but a fairly lame one. Bart gets a "divorce" from his family and moves into a downtown loft apartment where Tony Hawk is his neighbor. I did see this one, but I'm still drawing a blank on anything really worth remembering. Little help? 2/10

Man, I was all over the place today. Some great stuff, and some real dreck. Have at them.