Justice Sunday II: The Wrath of Dobson

(Image stolen shamelessly from PERRspectives.)

As we noted previously, the fine people who brought us the original "Justice Sunday" back in April have followed up that smash success with an encore performance held this past weekend. From the looks of this piece in the Washington Post, everyone brought their A-game to this Torquemada Memorial Tournament:

James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, told the 2,200 mostly white people in Two Rivers Baptist Church: "It doesn't matter what we think. The court rules." The Supreme Court, he said in a video broadcast, has created "an oligarchy. It's the government by the few."

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert H. Bork warned that the high court has defined homosexuality as "a constitutional right . . . and once homosexuality is defined as a constitutional right, there is nothing the states can do about it, nothing the people can do about it."

...

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Tex.) said "activist courts" are imposing "state-sanctioned same-sex marriage" and "partial-birth abortion" and are "ridding the public square of any mention of our nation's religious heritage" in what amounts to "judicial supremacy, judicial autocracy."

...

Miller criticized the court because it "removed prayer from our public schools . . . legalized the barbaric killing of unborn babies, and it is ready to discard like an outdated hula hoop the universal institution of marriage between a man and a woman."

Speakers compared the civil rights movement of the 1960s to demands now by Christian groups for restoration of traditional morality. "It's time we move to the front of the bus and that we take command of the wheel," said William A. Donohue, president of the Catholic League.

Apparently, this was some sort of crazy, conservative Christian version of You Got Served. First Dobson comes out and complains that the courts have the nerve to operate on constitutional authority and not on public opinion. Nice start. A little crazy, but not frothing. Then Bork comes over and gets all up in his grill with the real issue at hand. "Gay cooties, gay cooties everywhere!" Then Tom DeLay rocks back in with a combination move. It's about the gay cooties and the arrogant government. (Yes, Tom DeLay, of all people, complained about a power-mad government.) Next up, the Emperor Zell Miller comes in and, once again, throws everyone for a loop with his equation of the sacrament of marriage and the hula hoop. And then for a finale, William Donohue compares himself to Rosa Parks and other people who faced actual oppression, and then, at the end, he gets up and nails himself right to the cross. Just amazing.

I don't know what's worse about all this -- the fact that for these "Christians," the religion is somehow all about hating the gays, or the fact that they constantly complain about how persecuted they are when, in reality, they control the freaking country. Sorry, but when you're the House Majority Leader, you don't get to "speak truth to power." You are the power and, in DeLay's case, you have a deathly allergy to anything resembling the truth.

Now Watch This Drive!

Worst. Excuse. Ever.

CRAWFORD, Texas - President Bush, noting that lots of people want to talk to the president and "it's also important for me to go on with my life," on Saturday defended his decision not to meet with the grieving mom of a soldier killed in Iraq.

Bush said he is aware of the anti-war sentiments of Cindy Sheehan and others who have joined her protest near the Bush ranch.

"But whether it be here or in Washington or anywhere else, there's somebody who has got something to say to the president, that's part of the job," Bush said on the ranch. "And I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say."

"But," he added, "I think it's also important for me to go on with my life, to keep a balanced life." ... "I think the people want the president to be in a position to make good, crisp decisions and to stay healthy," he said when asked about bike riding while a grieving mom wanted to speak with him. "And part of my being is to be outside exercising."

Not many people know this, but Lincoln could only deliver the Gettysburg Address after spending several hours in the White House weightroom blasting his quads. And do you know why Franklin Roosevelt wasn't able to lead us to victory in World War II? Turns out he was a big ol' cripple. What nerve!

More and more, Bush reminds me of Brigidier General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove. You know, the batshit crazy base commander who was so obsessed with his physical fitness (and the Soviet plot to pollute our precious bodily fluids) that he decided to pre-emptively launch World War III? Now that I think about it, Bush even looks like him:


At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if Bush announced we needed to invade Iran next because they were sitting on a strategic stockpile of New Balance running shoes.

The Soft Bigotry of Lowered Expectations

According to today's Washington Post, the administration has decided to lower the bar for what can and can't be accomplished in Iraq.

The Bush administration is significantly lowering expectations of what can be achieved in Iraq, recognizing that the United States will have to settle for far less progress than originally envisioned during the transition due to end in four months, according to U.S. officials in Washington and Baghdad.

The United States no longer expects to see a model new democracy, a self-supporting oil industry or a society in which the majority of people are free from serious security or economic challenges, U.S. officials say.

"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground," said a senior official involved in policy since the 2003 invasion. "We are in a process of absorbing the factors of the situation we're in and shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning."

After firing Gen. Eric Shinseki for correctly predicting how many troops we'd need and forcing out Larry Lindsey for correctly predicting how much this would cost and destroying Richard Clarke for correctly noting how flawed their assumptions were and generally branding as a "traitor" anyone who pointed out how off-base they were, the war planners have finally realized they were operating in an "unreality"?

Hey, no problem. That's why pencils have erasers. I mean, it's not like anyone got hurt.

What Would Santorum Say?

Mrs. Thrillhous and I are having an argument, and if there's one thing I've learned about marital disputes,it's that wives love it when you discuss the issue with as many people as possible. I figure, why not make it public to the millions of readers of the LLATPON blog phenomenon? Yeah, that'll be great.

Here's the deal. Mrs. T saw a license plate on Thursday night that she thinks contains an obscene message. So obscene, in fact, that she felt compelled to contact the Virginia DMV. You see, she's a big fan of The Smoking Gun's license plate expose, where they print various prohibited license plates, such as "DMSHT" and "BANGN". She just wants to do her civic duty, yo.

I, on the other hand, think she's nuts. I see what she sees, but I don't think it's all that obvious, and it seems to me that anyone who discerns the obscenity has already got a pretty dirtied up mind. Kinda like those guys at Focus on the Family who watch hour after hour of MTV and Girls Gone Wild videos to document the vulgar acts. Of course, those guys are watching it to protect the kids, right?

Without further ado, here's the plate (generate your own at the VA DMV's site). What do you think?

Friday Random Ten

Alright, folks, it's once again time for the Friday Random Ten. I've been criticized lately for grading my own picks a little too harshly, but I'm happy to say that through the power of Dianetics, I've thankfully overcome that problem for good. Here's this week's ten as proof.

1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Find a Way" -- Even with timeless lines like "Teasing me, just like Tisha did Martin," this is still a nice little Tribe tune. 6/10

2. The Decemberists, "16 Military Wives" -- Phenomenal song, given a coolness boost by its brilliant, Rushmore-themed video that spoofed the Bush administration's approach to foreign policy. (Trust me, it worked. Video available here.) 9/10

3. Huevos Rancheros, "Drive-Through at Molly's Beach" -- What's better than a great surf guitar instrumental? Naming it after a delicious breakfast. Muy picante! 8/10

4. Astrud Gilberto and RJD2, "The Gentle Rain (RJD2 remix)" -- Brilliant techno remix of an amazing Brazilian torch song. From one of the excellent Verve Remixed CDs. Can't imagine much that's better. 10/10

5. Johnny Cash, "25 Minutes to Go" -- A dark Cash tune. It's from the Columbia Records era, but the black tone and topic (a convict waiting for his own execution) make it sound like it's off an American Recordings album. 7/10

6. Reverend Horton Heat, "Where in the Hell Did You Go with My Toothbrush?" -- Not the typical RHH blistering, speed-on-brother, hell-ain't-half-full rockabilly, but a slower break-up song that's still catchy as hell. 8/10

7. The 5.6.7.8's, "Edie is a Sweet Candy" -- Man, a big day for surf and rockabilly. The 5.6.7.8's are a unique one, though -- a trio of Japanese women who dress in cavegirl outfits and play songs about James Bond and, apparently, a sweet candy named Edie. 9/10

8. The Avalanches, "Flight Tonight" -- From the Australian group's all-samples Since I Left You. I alternate between loving and ignoring this CD with the sort of ambivalence hipster dudes show to their ladyfriends. Guess that's so cool it doesn't care about coolness at all. 9/10

9. Camper Van Beethoven, "Pictures of Matchstick Men" -- A nice cover of the classic Status Quo tune. Not spectacular, but not too bad. 6/10

10. Jimmy Castor Bunch, "Say Leroy (The Creature from the Black Lagoon is Your Father)" -- Wow, did I stick the landing, or what? A phenomenal, 6 and 1/2 minute funk grinder, by a criminally underappreciated funk band and with a title like that? 10/10

All in all, that's an 8.2 average. Right between Bill Clinton and George Clinton. Sweet!

Please drop your own random ten in the comments, folks, with or without the coolness self-audit.

Wolcott Punks Out Conservobloggers

Here's a taste:

Roger L. Simon I don't consider a liberal hawk. Because he isn't. He isn't much of a liberal of any kind. Instead, he typifies a subset of bloggers who day-in, day-out bash the UN (particularly over the "oil-for-food" scandal") while saying damn near nothing about the billions of reconstruction money lost or stolen in Iraq and the sweetheart deals for companies like, yes, Halliburton; who dump scorn regularly on the ACLU and minimize the brutalities at Abu Ghraib; who pull that "I didn't leave the Democratic Party, it left me" shtick (or its cousin, "When I was young, liberalism meant this [fill in blank with noble cause], and now it means this [fill in blank with outrage du jour]; who accuse those who don't share their righteous urgency of "not getting it" or having "a pre-9/11 mentality;" who trash Juan Cole but never make a peep about Daniel Pipes or David Horowitz; the sort of blogger who even at this late date kvetches that the MSM is withholding the "good news" about Iraq...well, you get the idea.

Destro 2008

GOP Presidential Candidate Destro and potential running-mate
Cobra Commander campaigning at an area Sbarro's

If you weren't already looking forward to the 2008 presidential race, here are a few things that ought to get your motor running.

First, Bob Woodward is speculating that it's "highly likely" that we'll see Dick Cheney run in 2008 in order to carry on the administration's excellent adventure. Not only would a Cheney candidacy keep voters focused on the last throes of the current administration's screw-ups, but it would also prevent the White House from rallying around a more appealing candidate -- say, someone who does not resemble Destro from the old "G.I. Joe" cartoons in both appearance and attitude.

Second, Jerry Falwell has sounded the early notes of a jihad, urging his lemmings followers to "vote Christian" in 2008. If Falwell keeps it up, we can be assured that the other luminaries of the Religious Right will enter the fray too, just to keep up, and in so doing, put the spotlight on their control of the GOP. Their involvement should also help a loony like Santorum make headway in the primaries.

Taken together, we have the likelihood of chaos in the GOP primaries, resulting in a bruising final battle between Cheney and Santorum. Not only would that be hilarious to watch, it could also spell trouble for the party as a whole. Which politician best represents the heart of the Republican Party? The cranky, old, corporate money, chickenhawk asshole? Or the crazy, pompous religious freak? The door to the Democratic Party is open to anyone who'd rather not be part of that Big Tent circus.

Update: Thanks to Yossarian in the comments, I've just been reminded that Cobra Commander has already laid the groundwork for the 2008 campaign with his own ads from 2004. Click here to take a look.

The Atlanta Hawks Suck

Atlanta is in the middle of a rebuilding year which resembles more of a dynasty of ineptitude than a "rebuilding." "Rebuilding" sounds more like the blocks were knocked down in the school yard and it's time to roll up your sleeves. The Hawks are dealing with more of fart in church - but the doors are locked and someone had spicy pickles - there is no sign of improvement, just awkward stares and wondering if this is really happening.

I did enjoy their advertising campaign for 2003 with the theme "Playoff Bound." Although this may have worked well to rally some glimmer of hope, when they had less than 9 wins midway through the season, the Metro buses driving around town with the team's pictures and the "Playoff Bound" slogan seemed a little ... out of touch.

In the latest news, one of the owners refuses to sign off on a trade for some hopeless soul who, for some reason, is willing to work in Atlanta. I can only assume his mother lives here and is sick.

Jay Mohr adds insult to injury in this weeks SI.:

The Atlanta Hawks have the best team Web site I've come across. It features 3-D imaging of where your seats will be. The problem with such a feature is that the photo of the empty Philips Arena featured on the site looks eerily similar to the empty Philips Arena seen during SportsCenter. There's nothing like watching Josh Childress break away for a dunk and come crashing to the floor in front of empty seats. Maybe the fans in those seats have taken the slogan "Rise Up!" from the Hawks Web site literally. If you click on the link for the Hawks' gift shop, you'll find a golf towel you can purchase for eight bucks. I wonder if the Atlanta players get discounts? We all know come playoff time they will be playing plenty of golf.

Team Web sites will have you believe that mascots are superstars in their own right. Harry the Hawk has his own biography page, which features the jarring headline, "Hold on to your popcorn! Hang on to your seats! It's Harry the Hawk!" Thanks for the warning. The last thing I need at a Hawks game is some creepy guy in a bright red bird outfit trying to get me pumped up to watch 10 guys who won't be in the building come the trade deadline. Harry the Hawk's bio, by the way, has such gems as "Position: Center (of attention!)." Oh, the hilarity. Center of attention, get it? All I know is if you are running around a half-empty stadium in a giant red bird costume you probably should be the center of attention. What else am I going to watch? The Hawks?

The rest of the article is a good read as well.

Madden '06: More Hype than Gabbo

Ah, the Fall is coming. How do I know? Madden Day, of course.

The clever marketing folks at EA (Electronic Arts) have pushed the idea of the Madden Football release as "Happy Madden Day". Back in the day of rolling with my homies and gang banging, I would buy each year's new Madden and marvel at the leaps in technology. Remember, I grew up with Pong and thought Asteroids was amazing - and don't get me started with that Knock Out and Dragon's Lair.

Anywho, after being completely underwhelmed with the game improvements over the last 3 years, I have wisely started renting. Thus, this Madden Day I rented the Donovan McNabb 06 edition. Again, some changes but nothing to justify $50.

For those who don't follow the business side of these games (you may, for example, have a social life), this game is the cornerstone for much of the multi-billion dollar games industry. When a rival (989 software) licensed ESPN's name and sold a similar quality game for $25, it sent shockwaves through the industry. So like any good, big company would do, they killed the competition by signing exclusives with ESPN, the NFL and the Players' Union -- and kept the price at $50.

Why did they do it? Well, for all of Madden's sales, EA's licensing costs essentially makes the game a break even business case. If they lose money (like with competition in 2004), the whole company begins to unravel.

Unless EA delivers big with "The Godfather," we may of another example of how large businesses can't survive if creativity is their lifeblood.

We Got a Great Big Convoy...

It looks like the '70s nostalgia is reaching new heights. Not only do we have people pissed off about gas prices, but they're forming a good, old-fashioned convoy to make their anger known.

MIAMI -- More than 600 truckers gathered in their big rigs Wednesday to protest the rising gas prices in South Florida, NBC 6's Hank Tester reported.

The trucks, which included tractor-trailers, dump trucks and box trucks, gathered at the intersection of Okeechobee Road and the Florida Turnpike in Miami-Dade County.

Traffic in the area was at a standstill as the trucks started a caravan headed toward Miami City Hall.

Somewhere, the ghost of C.W. McCall is smiling.

Like School on Saturday

It's nice when the leading minds of the conservative commentariat get together to see who can be a bigger moron. Recently, Bill "Falafel" O'Reilly welcomed Michelle "Internment Roolz!" Malkin onto his show to discuss the case of Cindy Sheehan, the gold-star mother who's camping outside Bush's Crawford ranch seeking an explanation from the president about why her son was killed in Iraq.

O'Reilly starts out strong, calling this mother who sacrificed her son for her country "treasonous." But then Malkin comes back hard, using her uncanny ability to get inside the minds of the dead and disabled (see Schiavo, Terri) to tell us that Cindy Sheehan's son would've certainly been disappointed in his mother's grieving.

Which is the lower blow? You've betrayed your country, or you've betrayed your dead son? Tough call. Thank God we have the moral compass of Fox News to help us sort this all out.

You can listen here, or watch it here.

Update: Even better and more thorough clips here.

White Sox Calling Kettle Black

"I've never seen anything like that before," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. "I think that's New York, you know, anything can happen.'"

New York City may not be the set from "Leave it to Beaver," but wasn't a Chicago White Sox game the site of 2 drunk, shirtless fans beating a First Base Coach during a game?

Who Mocked "The Family Circus"? Not Me!

My invocation of Jeffy in the post below reminded me of this site. It's not the original and brilliant Dysfunctional Family Circus -- that went belly-up after some legal action, I think -- but it has a few moments.

Maybe You Are All Homosexuals

This article has made it all over the internets, but it's too good not to raise here. The piece in question is from James Dobson's Focus on the Family, titled "Is My Child a Homosexual?" (Because as the president would say: rarely is the question asked, "Is our children learning to be gay?")

Anyway, here are the signs to watch for:

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

Conform, young ones! Conform!!!

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

Yes, any 5-year-old boy who cries after a good beating is definitely gay. Christ. Take it like a man, Jeffy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

Sure, I'm flattered. Maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Yes, if the other children call you a name, then it certainly has to be true. Gaydar is incredibly strong at the younger ages -- much like the ability to pick up a foreign language. (Warning: If the foreign language your child has learned is French, then he is also gay.)

Seriously, I remember when I was a kid, we would play a game in which we tossed a football to each other to determine the sexuality of our friends. The one who caught the divine football was instantly identified as "queer" and the rest of us then had an honor-bound duty to "smear" said queer. It was scientifically proven. Unlike evolution.

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.

Yes, James Dobson has perfected mind-reading techniques, and he will use them to rule the world. Kneel before Zod!

7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.

Tell me about it. My little brother insisted he was a dog for a week. Realizing that he knew his true nature, we took him to the vet and had him put down.

If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.

“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”

Gee, why would the gay children whose parents actually listen to James Dobson and his kind for advice -- why would they experience guilt and fears of divine retribution? That's a real puzzler.

Take This Job and Restaff It

The Virginia gubernatorial race of Jerry Kilgore (R) , whose Shaolim name is “He Who Coos Like the Pigeons,” has been listing for weeks. The most recent polling numbers, from the end of June, showed that Lt. Gov. Tim Kaine (D) had erased Kilgore’s once-formidable lead, and Kilgore just can’t seem to get anyone to pay attention to him. Of course, the fact that he appears in public about as often as Punxsutawney Phil hasn’t helped him too much either. Kilgore’s got two options: quit ducking Tim Kaine’s repeated challenges to debates and engage on the issues affecting Virginia voters, such as transportation and education, or bigfoot into some local issue that he can use to get votes in other parts of the state. I think you know which option he’s taking.

Jerry K has decided to take on those juggernauts of money, power, and political influence: immigrants. Fairfax county, the rapidly growing, most economically productive county in the commonwealth, has decided to spend about $400,000 on services for day laborers. Most of that money would go to building and operating a small day laborer center in the town of Herndon, which is densely populated with recent immigrants. Right now, more than a hundred day laborers gather in a 7-11 parking lot each morning, hoping they’ll get picked up for a really crappy job. Some of these workers are illegal aliens, but many of them are here legally and just want to work. The present arrangement is unsafe for the workers, hopelessly disorganized for employers, and uncomfortable for the shop’s customers (how would you like a hundred guys to press in on you for a job when all you wanted was a Bavarian crème?). The new center would get these laborers out of parking lots and into a safe, controlled location where they can find employment without freaking out local residents. Well, “into” might be too strong a word, as the plan is for a trailer and some outdoor covered seating. Inside the trailer the laborers will be able to take some classes (primarily ESL). They’d also be able to register their names and skills, so that prospective employers can more easily get the men and women they need.

Now, some folks might say that providing safety, dignity, and employment opportunities is a good thing, but Kilgore will have none of it:

"We face a fundamental decision in Virginia," Kilgore told reporters in a conference call. "Will we reward illegal behavior with hard-earned dollars from law-abiding citizens? I say the answer to this question should be an easy one: No."

[ed. note: Am I the only one who giggles when a Republican in the Rove/Delay mold says we shouldn’t give tax dollars to criminals? I kinda thought that’s what they were all about.]

Indicting all day laborers as illegal immigrants is bad enough, but that’s just Jerry being Jerry. In addition to his desire to prevent a locality from fixing its own problems with its own money, he wants to order the police to enforce immigration laws that traditionally are the domain of the feds (i.e., the INS). Maybe things are different down where Jerry chills, but ‘round these parts the cops have plenty enough to take care of already. Unfunded mandates from Richmond are not welcome.

Kilgore doesn’t really care about Herndon. He knows that many people in Virginia have vague but often negative feelings about immigrants and immigration. We all know what an easy group they are to scapegoat. Kilgore can tap into those feelings on a statewide level by dragging this local issue around with him on his campaign.

If I could ever actually get Kilgore to appear in public (fat chance) and actually get him to answer a question (even fatter chance), I’d like to ask him why he doesn’t want to go after those who employ illegal aliens. Checking immigration status is already the responsibility of employers (not cops); all that needs doing is to make sure employers do their part. As the gun people say, we don’t need more gun laws, we just need strict enforcement of the ones that are already on the books.

Jerry claims he doesn’t want to reward illegal behavior, but something tells me that he might not be as tough on businesses as he is on day laborers. Funny how that works with the GOP.

I Call the Big One "Bitey"

When Willie Nelson ran into tax problems a couple years back, he was forced to whore himself out and write some jingles for Taco Bell. Sad, but understandable. The amount of money he has to spend on ponytail braiding alone must be astronomical.

Now it seems Mike Tyson is in a similar bind. But Mike, being the straightforward thinker he always has been, has taken the phrase "whoring himself out" quite literally:

Tyson said that representatives for porn star Jenna Jameson have approached him about starring in an adult film, according to reports.

"Reality TV doesn't pay enough," said Tyson, who still owes millions to the IRS. "I need the money up front."

Be careful, Jenna. He took part of Holyfield's ear off, but there's no telling what he might sink his teeth into if he gets scared around you.

Award Tour

We all know the Bush administration likes to give honors to people who screw up. George "Slam Dunk" Tenet and Paul "Boondoggle" Bremer were each given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for their botched handling of Iraq. Condi Rice was rewarded for ignoring the Bin Laden threat by being kicked upstairs to Secretary of State, and John Bolton proved that if you're a big enough screw-up, the UN ambassadorship can be yours.

Given this track record, I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this development:

A spokesman for the President's Council on Service and Civic Participation said that neither the council nor Bush had any way of knowing that the person they were honoring was a condemned multiple murderer.

Outstanding. I'm starting to wonder just what unspeakable act Supreme Court nominee John Roberts has committed. For an honor like that, it's got to be gruesome.

(Courtesy of the non-evil Roger Ailes)

What Do You Mean "We," White Man?

The NCAA has announced that, starting next February, it will no longer allow teams with ethnically "hostile" or "abusive" nicknames to feature such nicknames, logos or mascots in any postseason play. Not surprisingly, teams like the Florida State Seminoles replied that the NCAA can have their Tomahawk Chop foam fingers only when they pry them from their cold, dead hands!

"That the NCAA would now label our close bond with the Seminole people as culturally 'hostile and abusive' is both outrageous and insulting," Florida State president T.K. Wetherell said in a statement.

"I intend to pursue all legal avenues to ensure that this unacceptable decision is overturned, and that this university will forever be associated with the 'unconquered' spirit of the Seminole Tribe of Florida," he added.

Actually, as this photo reveals, Florida State fans seem intent on making sure their university is forever associated with the "fabulous" spirit of Studio 54 of New York.


To be sure, this is a complicated issue. There are, I think, some team names in sports that are long due for a changing. The Washington Redskins are a pretty obvious one. Not exactly a name cherishing the culture, right? It'd be like having a team named the Dallas Darkies or the San Francisco Slanteyes. Those are offensive as hell, but "Redskins" isn't? And don't get me started on the Hogettes. Yeesh.

While not nearly as offensive as the Redskins, the Cleveland Indians aren't far behind. Again, think of the equivalents. It's hard to imagine we'd still have a major league team with a name like the Nashville Negroes or the California Chinamen. It's even harder to believe that such a team would also have a racially-stereotyped mascot like the grinnin'-and-jivin' Chief Wahoo. "And hey, Buck, here's our beloved Uncle Tom to lead the seventh-inning stretch!"


Other pro teams come close, I suppose, like the Atlanta Braves and Kansas City Chiefs, though I find it harder to get worked up about them. And then another level down the scale, there are college nicknames based on specific Native American nations, like the Illinois Illini or the FSU Seminoles. Admittedly, it's probably insulting to have a drunken 19-year-old white-bread suburbanite named Trevor doing a poor imitation of your ancestral dance at halftime. But in the grand scheme of things, it's probably not the worst thing they've ever experienced.


Or maybe it is. Hard to tell.

Rancho Relaxo

As we all know, presidenting is "hard work." Luckily, President Bush has once again been able to find refuge down at his Crawford Ranch (est. 1999, "Ask About Our Authentic Old West Heritage!"). Not only is this his 50th vacation since becoming president, it's also set to be the single longest presidential vacation in over 36 years.

While some of you -- communists, mostly -- might mock the president for spending one out of every five days of his presidency on vacation, I think it's important to remember that the man has problems. According to this AP-Ipsos poll, Bush's approval ratings are in the toilet. 47% approve of his handling of Iraq, 41% of his handling of the economy, and 37% on domestic issues. His overall approval-disapproval ratings are 42%-55%. (For comparison, at this point in their second terms, Reagan and Clinton were both about 25 points higher in the approval ratings.)

And things are only likely to get worse. The death tolls in Iraq have reached tragic proportions. Gas prices are soaring and the housing bubble is about to burst. And if the meltdown of Novakula on CNN is any indication, Rovegate is reaching a boiling point.

So I say, Mr. President, enjoy your time down at the ranch. Take a bubble bath, have a hot fudge sundae, get that masseur who flunked out of Mexcian med school -- whatever. As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers, "Have it your way, Baby!"

Friday Random Ten

It's Friday, and the workweek is almost done. In no time at all, you'll move from working for the weekend to just plain working the weekend. Time for the Friday Random Ten, our little recognition that the light at the end of the tunnel is a cigarette dangling from Keith Richards' leathery lips.

You know the drill by now -- take out your precious iPod or iKnockoff, put it on random, and give us the first ten songs that pop up. And if you're ready for the advanced program, add a Coolness Self-Audit, too.

Here's mine:

1. Funkadelic, "(not just) Knee Deep" -- Fifteen minutes of funk, so thickly layered it would later be excavated endlessly by hiphop artists. (De La Soul's "Me, Myself and I" steals ruthlessly from this one.) I love this song for many reasons, though I'll always know it as the song I'd play on my radio program whenever I needed to take a leak. 8/10

2. Django Reinhardt, "Saint Louis Blues" -- If Belgium had only given us Django and not the tasty waffles and fries, we'd still be forever in their debt. I'm amazed anyone could play a guitar like this gypsy freak of nature. 7/10

3. Neil Young, "Like a Hurricane" -- It's about as long a song as Dylan's "Hurricane" but not quite as great. Hence, like a Hurricane. Young will always be my Canadian rocker, a status that's roughly equal to being my favorite Yugoslavian center in the NBA. 6/10

4. Laika and the Cosmonauts, "Get Carter" -- A band named after the Russian space program ("Ask about our dog killing!") performs the title song from a great Michael Caine movie and a mediocre Sylvester Stallone remake. Phenomenal stuff. 9/10

5. Minnie Ripperton, "Les Fleur" -- Just a great soul song, recently used as the backing track for Jurassic 5's "Thin Line." That alone is a ticket to coolness, but the screeching chorus puts it over the top. 8/10

6. Isley Brothers, "Work to Do" -- So much potential here, with a great rhythm and funky beat, but in the end it's all about having to punch a time clock. Eh. 6/10

7. Aimee Mann, "One" -- A song off the "Magnolia" soundtrack, but a fairly straightforward cover of a Three Dog Night song. A Three Dog Night song written by emasculated folk singer Harry Nilsson. Double eh. 5/10

8. Homer Simpson, "It Was a Very Good Beer" -- Hey, it's music and it's on my iTunes, so it's fair game. (Taken from Simpson Crazy, if you're interested.) Still, it's a short tune, so I suppose it can't do too much coolness-wise. 5/10

9. Earth, Wind and Fire, "September" -- Guaranteed to be the one song I'll like at every wedding I attend. This band is pretty damn cool (except for whichever one is Fire, I suppose), but the knowledge that bridesmaids everywhere can sing this song has to kneecap it a bit. 6/10

10. Cibo Matto, "Flowers" -- Great Japanese alternapop, a band that answers the question, If Hello Kitty put out a punk band, what would it sound like? This song is made all the cooler by the fact that I can't understand half the lyrics. 7/10

Well, all said, that's an average of 6.7, which puts me somewhere between the Reverend Horton Heat and the Reverend Al Green. I can live with that.

Alright, you know the routine: Drop your own Random Ten in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.