Another Immigration Issue

I was hanging out with my best friend, television, this weekend, and events conspired to cause me to have a thought. The first event was our good friend Tom DeLay giving his goodbye speech to congress . Yeah, I teared up too. The second was a soccer game between Iran and Mexico. I figured with what we can all agree are the US's two mortalest enemies in one place, something awful was going to happen. Lo and behold, none of the Iranians tried to blow up anything, and none of the Mexicans tried to sneak across any borders. It was like they bore no resemblance to the Iranians and Mexicans we hear so much about from John Gibson and Lou Dobbs. I guess there's always an exception (or 22).

Anyway, with all those cheering (and therefore scary) Mexicans and the DeLay thing swirling in my head/television, it occurred to me that we have another immigration problem that our so-called MSM has been ignoring (the MS more so than the M). I'm talking about politician immigrants. I don't mean folks who come here to seek political asylum from their crazy home country (like Sweden), I mean politicians who are elected to congress but then decide to hang around the metro DC area after their term(s) has expired. Sometimes they get a sweet gig with an industry they were regulating 15 minutes ago, sometimes they have put down roots here, sometimes they just don't want to go home to their backwater town.

Please go home. Please. Now.

You are politicians, and now you are explicitly for hire. Do you think I want you ruining my gov't from the outside even worse than you did from the inside? Do you think I want my kids growing up with your kids? Do you think I want to stand behind you in line at the Starbucks while you abuse the servers for putting too much cream in your latte?

And believe me, this ain't partisan. You wanna guess where Tom Daschle lives now? I'll give you a clue: it ain't anywhere near the state he represented for all those years. Don't even get me started on pantloads like Billy Tauzin or Rick Santorum - that guy moved his whole danged family here, while his "home" in PA is only a couple hours away. How much you want to bet he stays right there in Leesburg, VA, after he loses his election this fall?

Now that I've acheived a high level of chemo-electric activity in the indignance region of my brain, stimulating me to ever higher levels of pleasure with myself and disgust for the rest of you, you're probably wondering, what can we do about this immigration problem?

Simple. If you are elected to congress, you must return to your home district after you're done serving. For 5 years, at least. After that you can move back to DC if you want, but trust me. We don't want you.

Daddy Drank

It's a bit of a busy weekend, what with all the sitting around watching the World Cup and all. So to fill the blogging void, here's one of my all-time favorite Kids in the Hall sketches. Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

This is a cover I've used before, but given the Republican plan to flog the No Gays Allowed constitutional amendment, it seemed like a fitting selection.

In fact, given Sen. Rick Santorum's obsession with "man-on-dog" sex, I'm surprised something off this album didn't make the National Review's list of the Top 50 Conservative Songs. Maybe they're more interested in Sen. John Cornyn's "man-on-box-turtle" perversions these days. Who knows? Who cares?

Anyway, the appearance of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Preserve can only mean that it's time once again for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Dilated Peoples, "You Can't Hide, You Can't Run" -- A nice little hiphop strutter from Dilated Peoples. This is off the 20/20 album which, sadly and surprisingly, features absolutely zero work by Barbara Walters. Still, some solid work. 8/10

2. Hal Kemp and His Orchestra, "With Plenty of Money and You" -- This is nowhere near as smoking as the Tony Bennett and Count Basie collaboration of a couple decades later. In fact, it's so mellow it seems like Hal's doing the vocals from beneath a pile of cold, hard, heavy cash. 4/10

3. Raymond Wong, "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained" -- This is, for all intents and purposes, the theme music to Kung Fu Hustle. If you've seen the film, this plays through the very cool scene with the introduction of the Ax Gang. Nicely sinister. 6/10

4. King Curtis and the Kingpins, "Whole Lotta Love" -- An R&B cover of the Zepplin classic. Which is only fitting, since that song was a cover of several earlier blues and rock tunes, especially Muddy Waters' brilliant "You Need Love." Not too bad, though there are moments where it seems a little Muzaky. 7/10

5. Johnny Cash, "Orange Blossom Special" -- One of the three thousand railroad songs by the Man in Black. This is actually a bit of a disappointment, a fairly conventional country number with a harmonica front and center. Eh. 5/10

6. James Brown, "Sweet Little Baby Boy" -- Every Christmas during his prime, JB would put out a single to celebrate the season. Some of them are hilariously funky ("Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto") but this is actually a sweet number with strings and some soulful lyrics. 7/10

7. Jose Gonzalez, "Love Will Tear Us Apart" -- As pre-eminent as Sam Beam has been with the acoustic covers, Jose Gonzalez is even better. He's done phenomenal versions of "Heartbeats," "Teardrop" and others, but this is a masterpiece. He's playing a free show here at Central Park's Summer Stage, and to say I'm excited about it is the king of all understatements. 10/10

8. Pavement, "Here" -- A nice slow track from Slanted and Enchanted, their first and, in my opinion, best album. 7/10

9. Buck Owens, "Waiting in Your Welfare Line" -- How can you not love a country classic that begins with the line, "I got the hunnnnn-gries for your love"? One of my favorite tunes by the boy from Bakersfield, a sweet, off-kilter ballad. Great stuff. 9/10

10. The Doors, "Strange Days (Thievery Corporation Remix)" -- This is an absolutely brilliant remix of a classic rock standard. I can't for the life of me remember where i found this, but I'm glad I did. The music is entirely new, but Morrison's vocals seem to be tailor-made for it. Or perhaps vice versa. Whatever. 9/10

Alright, that gives me an even 7.0 average. After weeks and weeks of coolness audits in the 6.0 range, it's nice to finally break through to a Gentleman's C. If only I were, in fact, a gentleman.

I'm sure the rest of you yahoos can do better than that. Assuming that Blogger isn't buggered again today, please feel free to drop your own FRTs in the comments below.

Kids these days

Sometimes I weep for the future.

College life isn't just about drinking beer. In a rare instance, Apple Computer Inc.'s iconic iPod music player surpassed beer drinking as the most "in" thing among undergraduate college students, according to the latest biannual market research study by Ridgewood, N.J.-based Student Monitor.
...
This year, drinking beer and Facebook.com, a social networking Web site, were tied for second most popular, with 71 percent of the students identifying them as "in."

I hate to say it, but what this generation needs is good beer war.

"Goooooooooooooooaaaaaalllllll!!!!!"

After much anticipation, the 2006 World Cup is set to begin tomorrow.

In order to whet your appetite, here are a couple video montages from YouTube. (Please note: The visuals are amazing, but the music is a little too Eurotrashy for my tastes. Proceed with the mute button handy.)

First, an amazing set of clips highlighting the skills of Ronaldinho, the best player in the game today.



Second, a montage of the Brazilian team, the reigning champions and the odds-on favorites to win again.



Last, but certainly not least, a nice set of highlights from Team USA.



The U.S. has a really tough road ahead of them, with a placement in the Group of Death alongside powerhouses like Italy and the Czech Republic, and it's a real possibility they might not advance out of the first round. Of course, that's what it looked like last time, too, and they stunned the world with an impressive run.

If I were any more pumped for the Cup, I'd probably stroke out from pure joy.

Q: What do terrorists do when they run out of cars?

A: Donkey bomb

Security forces thwarted a bombing in a southern Afghan town by capturing a donkey laden with explosives and a man who was plotting to blow up the animal in a rebel attack, a government spokesman said Thursday.

Blow your mind

This is too cool.

Good Freakin' Riddance

Sicko jackass terrorist Abu Zarqawi got a cap busted in his ass.

[U.S. Gen.] Casey said Zarqawi's identify was confirmed by "fingerprint verification, facial recognition and known scars."His statement was met by applause among Iraqi reporters assembled in a briefing room. The announcement, which was confirmed by a Website linked to al-Qaeda in Iraq, was also met by celebratory gunfire in the streets of Baghdad.

If I had an M-16, I'd be shooting it into the air right now too.

Film Forum

It's been awhile since I've thrilled the world with my latest Netflix rentals, so I thought I might as well share the love once again.

Wattstax (1973): This is a legendary concert film, recording a huge concert marking the anniversary of the 1965 Watts riots in L.A. It features stellar performances by Isaac Hayes, the Staple Singers, Rufus Thomas, the Dramatics, and many more. The music clips are phenomenal and quite revealing -- I had no idea the Bar Kays hailed from the third moon of Saturn, for instance -- but the highlight of the film are the interviews with black Angelenos that intersperse the music cuts. Richard Pryor has some very funny improv bits there, but the guy who floored me was Ted Lange. Just a few years before he became the grinning, advice-shilling bartender to middle-class white couples on The Love Boat, he was sittin' around rappin' about all the jive-ass shit that The Man was doin'. Hysterical.

Paradise Now (2005): Justly nominated for a slew of awards last year, this film tells the story of the paths taken by two would-be suicide bombers from the Palestinian Territory. This isn't the simplistic "pro-bomber" film that many on the right made it out to be, but rather a more nuanced approach. In the end, the film raises a lot of questions about the fundamental problems with the West Bank occupation and the futility of terrorist resistance against it in equal measure. The visuals are starkly beautiful, and the acting by all the leads solid. Quite nice.

Network (1976): I must have watched this classic film a half dozen times by now, and it just gets better every time. The script by Paddy Chayevsky and direction by Sidney Lumet are both fantastic, but the acting really steals the show. William Holden, Faye Dunaway and Peter Finch are all brilliant in the leads, while Ned Beatty and Robert Duvall give stellar turns in supporting roles. (Beatty's messianic boardroom speech to Finch may be one of the greatest moments in the history of film.) The only thing that makes the film sour a little is the fact that so much of what they satirized about the lowest common denominator instincts of the corporate media have now come true, and then some.

That's it for me lately -- some of us work for a living, dammit! -- but throw your thoughts about these films, or whatever else you've been watching lately, down in the comments.

Gay Panic

In honor of yesterday's celebration of the Day of the Beast, the Republican Party unveiled their 2006 campaign strategy, a nice mishmash of hate and divisiveness that will surely please their Dark Lord. (No, I'm not talking about Cheney.)

The first step was a classic bit of Republican fearmongering, the constitutional amendment against gay marriage. As we all know, the Constitution is currently suffering from a surplus of rights, responsibilities and rules for good governance, and it's high time we cram some good old fashioned discrimination and hatred into it.

Thankfully, we have a new batch of small-government conservatives who are more than happy to get the federal government into the marriage business. While I think Sen. Rick Santorum's bill concerning the regulation of DJ playlists for wedding receptions -- the "No Parking on the Dance Floor Act of 2006" -- is unnecessary, I do applaud Sen. Wayne Allard's efforts to outsource the construction and maintenance of our nation's wedding cakes to Halliburton. With new pieces of legislation like these, we can finally rest easy knowing that Big Brother is cuddled up with us in our bedrooms every single night. But not in a gay way.

Tragically, it seems that the cornerstone of the new Global War on Fabulousness has failed to win enough votes in the Senate.

WASHINGTON - The Senate on Wednesday rejected a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, dealing an embarrassing defeat to President Bush and Republicans who hoped to use the measure to energize conservative voters on Election Day.

Supporters knew they wouldn't achieve the two-thirds vote needed to approve a constitutional amendment, but they had predicted a gain in votes over the last time the issue came up, in 2004. Instead, they lost one vote for the amendment in a procedural test tally that ended up 49-48.

"We were hoping to get over 50 percent, but that didn't happen today," said Sen. David Vitter, R-La., one of the amendment's supporters. "Eventually, Congress is going to have to catch up to the wisdom of the American people or the American people will change Congress for the better."

"We're not going to stop until marriage between a man and a woman is protected," said Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan.

Well, clearly, our straight marriages are in jeopardy. Just the other night, Malibu Stacy and I were out having a lovely marital dinner when we were brutally assaulted by the sight of two middle-aged men in a loving, longterm relationship -- and they were, with God as my witness, holding hands! (I apologize if you're eating lunch as you read about such an unspeakable horror.) At the time, I was so overwhelmed by the spiteful viciousness of their gay love that I almost divorced my wife on the spot and ran off with our waitress Julia. Luckily, Julia hadn't brought my steak yet, so I bit down and stuck with the marriage. But, boy, it was close.

Given the very real, not-at-all-politically-motivated crisis confronting us, the abject failure of the No Gays Allowed Act of 2006 was, of course, a tragic blow to the brave men who will let nothing -- and I mean nothing, not even their first or second ex-wives -- stand in the way of their defense of marriage.

Luckily, their colleagues in the House of Representatives will soon take up the Holy Cause again. To be sure, the old Defenders of Marriage -- Bob Barr (two divorces), Newt Gingrich (two divorces and an affair), Bob Livingston (affair), and Henry Hyde ("youthful indiscretions" in his 40s) -- are no longer manning the ramparts. But Majority Leader John Boehner (R-No Giggling) is set to take up the good fight soon enough. Godspeed, you hatemonger. Godspeed.

Until the next vote, the fight is being waged on the airwaves. If you haven't seen it yet, be sure to check out Bill Bennett's appearance on The Daily Show last night. I think we can all agree that Bennett took a bit of a gamble in going on the show, but he acquitted himself well:

Stewart: So why not encourage gay people to join in in that family arrangement if that is what provides stability to a society?

Bennett: Well I think if gay..gay people are already members of families...

Stewart: What? (almost spitting out his drink)

Bennett: They're sons and they're daughters..

Stewart: So that's where the buck stops, that's the gay ceiling.

Bennett: Look, it's a debate about whether you think marriage is between a man and a women.

Stewart: I disagree, I think it's a debate about whether you think gay people are part of the human condition or just a random fetish.

With Bill Bennett standing guard against the assault on traditional values and, of course, watching out for a chance to take the Hard Eight on a new roller, I think we can all sleep the sleep of angels. Straight angels.

Another Sign of the Apocalypse

And the march of evil continues...

I lack the words to describe the unspeakable horror of this montage of Rosie O'Donnell acting like a retarded person. You'll just have to watch for yourself. But do it quickly, because a just God won't let this sin stand for long.

Save Me, Jeebus!

As long as we're observing today's Beelzebubbapalooza, I thought you'd like to know that the scoreboard is currently reading Lions 1, Christians 0:

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

I'm no theologian, but I've got to think the "if he exists" part was where he went wrong. God saves the faithful, but the agnostics can apparently cram it with walnuts.

06/06/06

According to the calendar, today is 06/06/06 -- the Day of the Beast.

Now, I'm sure there's some sort of ominous significance here if you're the kind of person who would suffer through all 48 installments of the Left Behind series or who believes that the Virgin Mary would manifest herself in an oil stain down at the Jiffy Lube. But I'm having a hard time getting worked up about it.

Instead, in honor of Thrillhous and His Minions, I'd like to propose that we honor this day in a dignified and proper way, celebrating it as the National Day of Slayer.

(Warning: There's sound at that link. Oh, brother, you'd better believe there's sound.)

Advice to the Graduates

If you haven't read the full text of Stephen Colbert's graduation address at Knox College, do yourself a favor and take a look.

Here's a sample of the truthiness:

... when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-porous borders. Now I know you’re all going to say, “Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America.” Yes, but here’s the thing—it’s built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it’s a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spansih, the next thing you know, they’ll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That’s the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we’ll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we’re at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we’ll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It’s time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls.

Fooled Again

Over at the American Prospect, Charles Pierce has an absolutely beautiful response to the National Review's list of the top 50 conservative rock songs.

I took a swing at the same list in this post, but after reading Pierce's perfect snark, I would hereby like my comments stricken from the record and replaced with a teary-eyed salute to his greatness. Take this sample:

Consider, for example, the bowline that [NR's John] Miller makes of himself over “Sympathy For The Devil,” checking in at No. 3, and described as “The Screwtape Letters of rock,” possibly because it has the word “devil” in its title, which would make the Duke basketball team The Screwtape Letters of next year’s NCAA tournament. “The devil,” Miller says, “is a tempter who leans hard on moral relativism.” First of all, no kidding. “Sweetheart,” says John Milton in the Beyond, “get me rewrite!”

Trust me on this one. Go.

(Thanks to TBogg for finding this.)

Caption Contest

It's been a busy weekend, but there's always time for a caption contest.

Here's a nice shot of the Incredible Shrinking President. Have at him.

Friday Random Ten

Yes, friends, at long last, you can enjoy the soothing experience of a New York City taxi ride from the comfort of your own home. No longer will you have to pretend to need a ride to Grand Central in order to get all the latest full-throated, half-brained opinions on the Yankees, the Knicks, and, of course, the CIA agents who are using gamma radiation to control the pigeon population in Battery Park.

I can't imagine this album was a big seller when it came out back in the '50. "Hey, ma! An album of cabbie wisdom! I wonder if this has that rare ethnic slur we heard on 48th Street? I sure hope it has that authentic cabbie smell of cherry air freshener, b.o., and slow-simmering rage!" Sure, maybe if it was a couple decades later and this guy were on the cover instead. Now that's an album I'd buy.

Speaking of homespun New York wisdom, it's time for me to dispense with yet another Friday Random Ten. Here goes:

1. Ike and Tina Turner, "River Deep, Mountain High" -- One of the better songs from this dysfunctional duo. If you listen closely, you can hear Ike keeping time by beating a backup singer with his Italian loafers. 8/10

2. Lou Reed, "Romeo Had Juliette" -- Most of Reed's solo work doesn't really do it for me, but the New York album was a welcome surprise. I remember getting a copy of this in high school, loving it, and working my way backward into the Velvet Underground years from there. Still works for me. 7/10

3. R.E.M., "Leaving New York" -- Huh. Start off with the NYC cabbie jokes, and two of the first three songs are NYC related. I've always loved R.E.M., but I've been forced to admit that the band really lost a step with the departure of drummer Bill Berry a few albums ago. Everything since then has just been a little flat. This song isn't exactly bad, but it's not exactly great either. 5/10

4. Dizzy Gillespie, "Manteca (Funky Lowlives Remix)" -- I swear I heard this during the Nacho Libre previews the other day. An odd choice for a film about a Mexican wrestler, since the most prominent lyric is "I'll never go back to Georgia!" But this is a great tune, and an inspired remix. 10/10

5. De La Soul, "Peas Porridge Hot" -- Although I love De La Soul is Dead, this is one of the more uninspired songs on the album, with some craptacular skit material intruding throughout and a subpar rhythm to boot. Eh. 4/10

6. Kolar Goi, "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Computer" -- Although the title might suggest a nice electronica reworking of Ennio Morricone's genius work, this is really just a cacophonous waste. I'm reminded of a classic SNL sketch, in which Phil Hartman's Sinatra explained that he couldn't understand a word being spoken by Chris Rock's Luther Campbell: "I got nothin' here. Just pops and clicks." 3/10

7. The Whatnauts, "Why Can't People Be Colors Too?" -- A great bit of early '70s funk from a completely forgotten band. If that doesn't spike the Cool-o-Meter, then it's time to check the batteries. 10/10

8. The Posies, "Second Time Around" -- I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever listened to this track. And it might just be the last. 3/10

9. Brownie McGhee, "Anna Mae" -- Some great, late '50s blues from a legend. It's rare to hear McGhee without his longtime partner Sonny Terry right by his side, but here we have it. What the song lacks in inspiration, it more than makes up for it in energy. 7/10

10. Gilberto Gil, "Bat Macumba" -- This is a great example of what the kids down Latin America way would call "tropicália," a Brazilian blend of bossanova, American rock, African folk, and Portuguese fado. Apparently, the Brazilian government actually considered the music a threat to their regime in the late '60s. All I know is, this is scorching stuff. 10/10

Man, I was all over the place today. Three perfect tens, and I still wound up with yet another 6.7 average. In honor of the forthcoming, creepy remake of The Omen, I'll just round that down to a 6.66 and be done with it.

Alright, let's see what you've got. Drop your own random ten in the comments below. Remember, the coolness self-audit is optional, as is the Satan worshipping. Hail Sagan!

Black Helicoptors

I've been trying my darndest to come up with some kind of great joke about this article, but I just can't top the words coming out of Wayne LaPierre's mouth.

Duku Paul does not know how many people he has killed. Though still young, he is a veteran of one of West Africa's nastiest civil wars. For more than a decade, he helped to burn, loot and bloody his homeland, Liberia. Then, in 2003, the United Nations, with American backing, brought peace. Bangladeshi blue helmets took Mr Paul's gun and gave him $300. Interviewed last year, he said he was sorry that he ever became a soldier, and that he wanted to get back to school.

Mr Paul was enrolled in what the UN calls a “disarmament, demobilisation, rehabilitation and reintegration” programme. The world body is keen to promote such programmes wherever appropriate. The National Rifle Association (NRA), the lobby for American gun-lovers, does not like the sound of that.

“So, after we are disarmed, the UN wants us demobilised and reintegrated. I can hear it now: ‘Step right this way for your reprogramming, sir. Once we confiscate your guns, we can demobilise your aggressive instincts and reintegrate you into civil society.’ No thanks,” shudders Wayne LaPierre, the indefatigable executive vice-president of the NRA.

Why does the UN want to take away Americans' guns? Because it is a club of governments, some of which want to “strip opposition forces of the means to challenge their authority,” argues Mr LaPierre.

(snip)

For a truly all-embracing threat, however, the UN is hard to beat. Mr LaPierre predicts that the “global war on guns” will boost the NRA's membership from 4m to 8m, and reduce Hillary Clinton's chances of becoming president in 2008. This last point is crucial. The UN, whatever its evil aims, is hardly in a position to push Uncle Sam around. To disarm Americans, it would need Congress on its side, plus an American president willing to sign an anti-gun treaty and appoint Supreme Court justices willing to rule it constitutional.

Mr LaPierre anticipates that some people might find this far-fetched. “I can hear some readers now: ‘Oh, Wayne's just over-reacting’,” he writes. But that is what they want you to believe. “Just how sure is the United Nations that it can take your guns?” he asks. His answer: “The UN chose the Fourth of July to hold its global gun ban summit on American soil!”

Mission Accomplished!

Although there was a flurry of elevated terror alert warnings in New York and Washington a couple years ago -- a spasm of paranoia that suddenly and mysteriously ended in early November 2004 for some reason -- it now seems that those two cities are finally in the clear!

The Washington Post -- I'm pretty sure that's a weekly newspaper from a small American town in, uh, Virginia? -- has this report:

The Department of Homeland Security yesterday slashed anti-terrorism money for Washington and New York, part of an immediately controversial decision to reduce grant funds for major urban areas in the Northeast while providing more to mid-size cities from Jacksonville to Sacramento.

The announcement that the two cities targeted on Sept. 11, 2001, would suffer 40 percent reductions in urban security funds prompted outrage from lawmakers and local officials in both areas, who questioned the wisdom of cutting funds so deeply for cities widely recognized as prime terrorist targets. The decision came less than five months after Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff unveiled changes in the grants plan intended to focus funding on areas facing the gravest risk of attack.

Yes, as we all know, the terrorists would like nothing more than to get their hands on the infidel fashion sense of Jacksonvillians, or perhaps strike at America's much-beloved Golden State Warriors. (Seriously, Jacksonville?!? I spent a month there one weekend. We should try to lure the terrorists there as punishment.)

Actually, if you take a closer look at how DHS allocated the money, these decisions make perfect sense:

New York has no national monuments or icons, according to the Department of Homeland Security form obtained by ABC News. That was a key factor used to determine that New York City should have its anti-terror funds slashed by 40 percent--from $207.5 million in 2005 to $124.4 million in 2006.

The formula did not consider as landmarks or icons: The Empire State Building, The United Nations, The Statue of Liberty and others found on several terror target hit lists. It also left off notable landmarks, such as the New York Public Library, Times Square, City Hall and at least three of the nation's most renowned museums: The Guggenheim, The Metropolitan and The Museum of Natural History.

Christ, you'd have to be an idiot to think that there was anything significant in New York for the terrorists to want to hit. There are obviously no landmarks, no financial institutions, no media conglomerates, nothing like that. Furthermore, the city clearly has no pride of place in American culture. Seriously, can you think of one song about New York? Or one TV show that was set in New York? I know I can't! If they ever attacked New York, I bet you'd have to tell most Americans what state it's in.

And Washington? Pfft. Don't even get me started on that backwoods hillbillytown. Down there in Maryland, or Alabama, or whatever piddly little state it's in, they probably don't even have shoes, much less targets worthy of terrorism. Sheesh.

Anyway, thank the Lord that our intelligent and wise leaders in the Nation's Capitol -- which is located in Sacramento, of course -- have finally decided to spread the money around wisely. Sure, we all knew that the metropolis of Tiptonville, TN, was flush with Homeland Security cash, but what about North Haverbrook or Ogdenville? And what about Brockway? The Dairy Queen out on Route 12 is just beggin' to get hit, and the volunteer fire department only has sixteen Hazmat suits! God help the handful of people there if al-Qaeda can find it on a map and then attack!

Meanwhile, those people who live in New York and Washington? Welcome to Threat Level Oscar.

Old Man: Scantily Clad Underage Girl Made Him Do It

Mrs. Thrillhous passed this delightful article on to me this morning.

HAUSER (AP) — Well, she LOOKED 21 anyway, maybe older, and what’s more the clerk at the small store in this Coos County town says he was much distracted by what he called the young lady’s scanty attire. So distracted, he said, that he didn’t see the “Minor until 2007’’ stamped on her driver’s license. She got the six-pack, and store owner David Cardwell got a $1,320 fine. The clerk had to pay $750. Rather than pay, Cardwell says, he will take the alternative and close the store for a week. . . . His clerk had been stung by an Oregon Liquor Control Commission decoy sent to test for underage sales.

As the wife said, at least this guy's name is appropriate.

Then I got to thinking, what a classy guy this is. His employee is so busy looking at some girl's bazongas that he doesn't do his job, and the store owner blames the girl? I don't like to get to religious around here, but has my boy Cardwell read Genesis? Does he know what God thinks of guys who try to blame women for their own lack of self control?

Note that while he defends his employee against this libidinous harlot (he says later in the article that he'd never let his daughter leave the house dressed like that - yeah, and no teenagers ever change their appearance after they're out the door), there's no indication he's going to pay the guy's $750 fine. He's just going to close up shop - depriving his employees of their source of income.

On top of all that, I am annoyed by this guy's sense of entitlement. A liquor license is not a right (which the liquor commission notes in this other report on the incident), and if this guy can't handle ID'ing cute girls, he should turn in his liquor license.