Thursday, June 01, 2006

Mission Accomplished!

Although there was a flurry of elevated terror alert warnings in New York and Washington a couple years ago -- a spasm of paranoia that suddenly and mysteriously ended in early November 2004 for some reason -- it now seems that those two cities are finally in the clear!

The Washington Post -- I'm pretty sure that's a weekly newspaper from a small American town in, uh, Virginia? -- has this report:
The Department of Homeland Security yesterday slashed anti-terrorism money for Washington and New York, part of an immediately controversial decision to reduce grant funds for major urban areas in the Northeast while providing more to mid-size cities from Jacksonville to Sacramento.

The announcement that the two cities targeted on Sept. 11, 2001, would suffer 40 percent reductions in urban security funds prompted outrage from lawmakers and local officials in both areas, who questioned the wisdom of cutting funds so deeply for cities widely recognized as prime terrorist targets. The decision came less than five months after Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff unveiled changes in the grants plan intended to focus funding on areas facing the gravest risk of attack.
Yes, as we all know, the terrorists would like nothing more than to get their hands on the infidel fashion sense of Jacksonvillians, or perhaps strike at America's much-beloved Golden State Warriors. (Seriously, Jacksonville?!? I spent a month there one weekend. We should try to lure the terrorists there as punishment.)

Actually, if you take a closer look at how DHS allocated the money, these decisions make perfect sense:
New York has no national monuments or icons, according to the Department of Homeland Security form obtained by ABC News. That was a key factor used to determine that New York City should have its anti-terror funds slashed by 40 percent--from $207.5 million in 2005 to $124.4 million in 2006.

The formula did not consider as landmarks or icons: The Empire State Building, The United Nations, The Statue of Liberty and others found on several terror target hit lists. It also left off notable landmarks, such as the New York Public Library, Times Square, City Hall and at least three of the nation's most renowned museums: The Guggenheim, The Metropolitan and The Museum of Natural History.
Christ, you'd have to be an idiot to think that there was anything significant in New York for the terrorists to want to hit. There are obviously no landmarks, no financial institutions, no media conglomerates, nothing like that. Furthermore, the city clearly has no pride of place in American culture. Seriously, can you think of one song about New York? Or one TV show that was set in New York? I know I can't! If they ever attacked New York, I bet you'd have to tell most Americans what state it's in.

And Washington? Pfft. Don't even get me started on that backwoods hillbillytown. Down there in Maryland, or Alabama, or whatever piddly little state it's in, they probably don't even have shoes, much less targets worthy of terrorism. Sheesh.

Anyway, thank the Lord that our intelligent and wise leaders in the Nation's Capitol -- which is located in Sacramento, of course -- have finally decided to spread the money around wisely. Sure, we all knew that the metropolis of Tiptonville, TN, was flush with Homeland Security cash, but what about North Haverbrook or Ogdenville? And what about Brockway? The Dairy Queen out on Route 12 is just beggin' to get hit, and the volunteer fire department only has sixteen Hazmat suits! God help the handful of people there if al-Qaeda can find it on a map and then attack!

Meanwhile, those people who live in New York and Washington? Welcome to Threat Level Oscar.

4 comments:

S.W. Anderson said...

DHS major domo Chertoff was on PBS' "News Hour" this evening, explaining that last year places like New York got an unusually large amount, so this year they will get a lesser amount, and you have to average it out and divide by the number of Hasidim living in Dubuque, or something.

If someone asks you to explain all this, I suggest it's easier to just sing a few lines from "Put The Lime in the Coconut."

Thrillhous said...

I know Tiptonville. I worked in Tiptonville. New York City, you're no Tiptonville.

sideshow bob said...

You know, with W's approval rating in the toilet, I'm surprised we haven't gotten an Elmo yet...

Otto Man said...

I think they're saving the Code Red distraction for when a hurricane takes out Baltimore or, perhaps, for when Bush accidentally orders a nuclear strike against Omaha. "But Laura! It sounds like it's in the Middle East, doesn't it?"