"Well, They've Got Sorny, Panaphonics, Magnetbox...."

After years of needless suffering, Malibu Stacy and I are seriously looking into getting an HDTV.

There are a number of reasons, but high on the list are the simple facts that the World Cup is right around the corner and the start of the 2006 NFL season is just 99 short days away. Once you've watched either sport on an HDTV, there's just no going back to the 22" thing we've got with the blurry line on top and the lower corner that tends to go blue.

Anyway, in an effort to educate myself and lower my sense of self-worth, I've been busy looking around at the various products out there. While I've never been swayed by an ad before, this stunning ad for the Sony Bravia just might work its magic on me. The visuals are extremely cool, and the fact that they set it to Jose Gonzalez's cover of "Heartbeats" takes it up to eleven.

Do yourself a favor and bask in its glory.

Caption Contest

Slow blogging today, so here's a caption contest. Have at it.

Shittiest Mix Tape Ever!

It's the craze that's sweeping the nation -- the shittiest mix tape competition.

Here's my five-song entry:

1. Bob Seger, "Old Time Rock and Roll"
2. Starship, "We Built This City"
3. Los del Rio, "Macarena"
4. Eagles, "Desperado"
5. Rupert Holmes, "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)"

I wanted to start with two songs that both claim to love rock and roll, but apparently love rock in the same way an abusive drunken husband really loves his spouse. Then we have the cleansing sorbet of the Macarena -- "all right?!?" -- followed by the pompous soft-rock assitude of the Eagles, and the smooth sultry shit-pop sounds of übergeek Rupert Holmes.

Check out the link above for some of the other brilliant posts and feel free to add your own, here or there. If you don't add your own list, you'll never get Rupert Holmes (actual photo, above right) out of your head. Or your libido. Rrrrowww!

Update: There's actually voting for this thing, so if you need something to fill the "American Idol" void -- man, is that phrase redundant -- check out the righthand sidebar here. There are some gloriously hideous selections, so look through them all before you vote for me.

"Can't Someone Else Do It?"

As long as I'm passing the buck and avoiding the hard work today -- just like the president! -- then let me also recommend this great piece by Michelle Goldberg on the Religious Right and how to fight them. Interesting stuff.

Bastards in Suits

Over at the indispensible Kung Fu Monkey, John Rogers has a brilliant post up about our fearless clueless leaders in the War on Terror.

As usual with Rogers, it's all great stuff. But I know our readers are much too lazy to click through to the link, so here's a taste to get you motivated:

The problem is, these yahoos have managed an ugly trick. They have turned criticism of the policies of Bastards in Suits into criticism of The People in Uniform Getting Shot At. This, of course, is completely wrong, as one can easily tell the difference between the Bastards in Suits and The People in Uniform Getting Shot At. One group is in Suits, and Not Getting Shot At, while another is in Uniform, and Getting Shot At. Please, try to grasp this. Not the same.

There is a flip side. Some people confuse supporting the Bastards in Suits for supporting The People in Uniform Getting Shot At. This is, again, ridiculous. If the history of modern warfare has taught us anything, it's that the Bastards in Suits spend an awful lot of time working the kinks out of plans involving The People in Uniform dying unpleasantly. They often screw that up. When they do screw up, it is incumbent upon Bastards in Suits to suffer criticism and fix the situation, as by comparison The People in Uniform are suffering shattered skulls, missing limbs and death. Which is, on my scale, exponentially more traumatic than criticism.

Some people even seem confused on how we are criticizing the Bastards in Suits. The Bastards have a job to do. They are not doing it. Period. Tommy Franks recently trotted out the classic bit of misdirection, attacking critics of Donald Rumsfeld. "I don't care about your politics. I don't. Don Rumsfeld is an American patriot."

Yes, well, that's lovely. But we're not criticizing his patriotism. We're criticizing his job performance. One of the great mysteries of the last six years was how and when the Bush Administration turned public policy into Special Olympics. "Oh, I know Donny knocked over all the hurdles, but HE LOVES THE RACE, so you SHUT YOUR FILTHY, CYNICAL MOUTH." Jesus H. Christ.

The rest is just as damn good, so go take a look.

Memorial Day

In his weekly radio address, President Bush honors the true heroes of the War on Terror.

On a serious note, our sincere thanks to all the men and women who have made the real sacrifices, in this and all wars. We'll try to get you some decent civilian leadership soon.

Caption Contest

It's Memorial Day Weekend, so I'm going to phone it in with a caption contest.

Come up with a witty caption of your own, and have your helper monkey type it into the comments.

Friday Random Ten

You know, it's not often that a Hindu deity records an album -- with a notable exception -- but here we have one doing precisely that.

Now, I can barely keep track of the religious figures in the faith in which I was raised -- snake-handling, thank you very much -- so I'm having a hard time deciding just which Hindu god this is. Vishnu? Shiva? Aishwarya Rai? Hard to say.

Whether it's the destroyer of worlds or the destroyer of libidos, the ascendancy of this deity can only mean that it's time once more for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Big Boi, "Kryptonite" -- This is a fairly mediocre offering from Mr. Antwan Patton, a song that suggests that if the long-rumored Outkast break-up really does come to fruition this year, then Big Boi is destined to join Andrew Ridgley, John Oates, and Art Garfunkel in the annals of castaway sidemen. 5/10

2. The Gruesomes, "Way Down Below" -- Fairly decent bit of garage rock revival from the 1980s. They're not as good as the premier garage revival group, the Gories. But then again, they're not as bad as the other retro group of the 1980s, the Goonies. 6/10

3. Smashing Pumpkins, "Today" -- If only this song had made it onto MTV once or twice, the Pumpkins might never have broken up. Oh wait. 6/10

4. Inkunzi Emdaka, "Ikhaya Lami" -- A nice little bit of southern African music, full of the typically great guitar work and lyrics that, for all I know, might be the backstory to Mr. Eko's character on "Lost." Who knows? The music alone is damn good. 9/10

5. Yo La Tengo, "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House" -- This song has made it to a couple other FRT's, but it's good enough to merit the repeat performances. Not only is this a sweet indie pop song from Hoboken's finest, but it's also named after a Troy McClure-hosted telethon. How can you lose? 10/10

6. Redd Kross, "Dancing Queen" -- Wow. Not just ABBA. An ABBA cover. 1/10

7. ... And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, "Worlds Apart" -- A nice, slightly unhinged rocker. You've got to love the band's name, and the fact that they start this song by shouting "Hey, fuck you, man!" to a collection of school children. Or perhaps not. 8/10

8. Belle & Sebastian, "The State That I Am" -- Some almost sickly-sweet strumpop from a band I absolutely swore I would hate but wound up liking a bit. This is off Tigermilk, my favorite album. It builds nicely. 7/10

9. Sir Guy, "The Frog" -- A smoking bit of forgotten R&B. Like virtually every other song released in the early 1960s, this one provides instructions on how to perform an eponymous, zoologically correct, rhythmically expressed, youth dance number. Or so the kids tell me. 7/10

10. David Bowie, "The Man Who Sold the World" -- A classic. Is it heresy to admit that I actually like the Nirvana Unplugged version better? It is? Screw you. 8/10

Well, that gives me yet another score in the high D-range, a whopping 6.7 out of 10. It hasn't been easy staying in this rut, but somehow, I pulled it off!

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments below, with or without the Coolness Self Audit that has become the bane on my existence. And, hey, this is Memorial Day weekend -- so let's make it memorable, dammit!

"They Won't Let Me in the Big People Library Downtown. There was Some ... Unpleasantness."

Here's a classic bit of local news reporting for your viewing pleasure.

What's funnier here? The fact that Onan the Librarian doesn't realize he's allowed to say "no comment" to a reporter? Or the fact that Onan Sr. then goes after the reporter like a whirlwind of bare knuckles and beard stubble?

Dr. Strange

If you haven't read the creeepy, Norman Batesish profile of Sen. Bill Frist in the Washington Post, don't worry -- we've got you covered. Here are some of the highlights:

Instead of taking [wife] Karyn to the theater, Frist brought her to the operating room. "To see the human body alive -- without a heart in it." .... In medical school, Frist cut out a dog's heart and held it in his palm. It continued to beat for a slippery minute. .... Frist spent so much time in the hospital in Tennessee that when he came home to his wife and three sons he felt like an intruder. .... Though devoted to matters of the heart, Frist acknowledges that he is aloof, something he traces back to the day he refused to attend kindergarten. He calls it "the Great Wall," an emotional barrier that has kept him from having close friends. .... "Isn't this exciting?" And Frist slipped an IV needle into Kuja's vein. His gloves turned red with gorilla blood. .... Frist smiled and spoke unremarkably from the lectern, reeking of silverback testosterone.

Since Sen. Frist is so skilled at providing medical diagnoses by way of video, I feel perfectly comfortable offering some psychoanalysis by way of puff piece. Let's see ... uncomfortable around other people, ... fascinated by blood, ... arrogant in his own abilities, ... willing to destroy animals to satisfy his own curiosity. Hmmm, that sounds familiar.

If you think the WaPo piece was some kind of abberation, check out the Good Doctor's own thoughts in the book he wrote about his esteemed family, Good People Beget Good People. The cat killing described in the book pairs well with the dog killing of the WaPo piece.

The Tom Servo Experience

Given the massive outpouring of interest for the last MST3K clip -- one comment! -- I thought I'd break out another one for your viewing pleasure. Here's their take on a '50s hygiene film. Hi-larious.

The Thighs of Christ Compel You!

Traditionally, the World's Strongest Man competition is dominated by men named Magnus -- Magnus ver Magnusson, Magnus Samuelsen, Magneto, etc. It seems there's something magical about that name that allows the various Magni to perform the amazing feats of strength, like lifting a Volkswagen Beetle or making it through an entire episode of "According to Jim."

Well, look out, all you Magnuseses of the Nordic Lands. There's a new mildly-retarded pituitary case in town, and if he didn't get all queasy when it came to muscular men in leotards, he would kick your behinds. But not in a gay way.

Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2000 pounds! How does he do it?

Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?

One of Pat’s secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients.

Wow! It's hard to believe a frail old man like Pat Robertson could more than triple the record for a leg press, but this is, after all, a man who can redirect hurricanes. With his mind.

There may be some unbelievers out there, but they probably don't think 9/11 was caused by gays and abortionists and the ACLU, either. What do they know? They'd probably say that the withered muscles of a batshit crazy octagenarian couldn't possibly leg press 2000 pounds. Pffft. And then they'd go on and on again about their touchy-queery "ev-o-lu-tion."

Well, they don't know anything. Too much "school learnin'" if you ask me. I, for one, look forward to seeing Pat Robertson compete in this year's strongman competition. Or, perhaps, the Special Olympics. But either way, the competition is going down!

It's .... Super Decider!

Speaking of reliable news sources, the Onion Radio News has a dilly of a scoop -- "President Bush Invokes Presidential Super Powers." Stay tuned until the end. Trust me.

All The News That Fits, We Print

By now, you've probably heard about the pathetic front page story the New York Times ran this morning, an investigation into the most pressing issue of our time -- whether or not Bill and Hillary Clinton are, you know, "doing it" -- and one that's supported by an impenetrable mountain of hearsay, speculation, and rumor.

But did you know that the Times has a blog? With a post by this reporter? And it's currently accepting comments?

Southern Culture on the Greasy, Greasy Skids

Road trip!

One of the most popular items on the menu at Mulligan's bar in suburban Decatur, Ga., is the ``hamdog,'' a half-pound of hamburger meat wrapped around a hotdog, which is deep-fried and served on a hoagie topped with chili, bacon and a fried egg. The bar also offers the ``Luther,'' a half-pound burger served with bacon and cheese on a Krispy Kreme donut, and, for dessert, fried Twinkies, two deep-fried Kap'n Crunch-coated Twinkies topped with chocolate and cherry sauce.

"You Just Got Your Asses Kicked by a Bunch of Goddamned Nerds!"

Looks like Axl Rose's triumphant return is going well:

Tommy Hilfiger really showed his "Appetite for Destruction" yesterday when he pummeled Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose in a dispute over a VIP table at Rosario Dawson's birthday party, sources said.

The midnight turf battle erupted when Axl moved Hilfiger's girlfriend's drink in the banquette area of The Plumm nightclub on West 14th Street - where the "Rent" actress was celebrating her 27th birthday. A densely packed crowd of celebs - including Lenny Kravitz and Kid Rock - had ringside seats to the battle.

The feisty fashionista was acting all gangsta, hitting Axl with a flurry of punches, one that landed under Rose's eye.

"First [Axl and Tommy] were sitting. Then they were pulling on each other . . . It got so out of control," said a shocked witness. As the punch-up escalated, Hilfiger introduced Rose to some "November Pain" with a blow to the cheek. Club guards quickly tried to separate the men.

"A bunch of security ran over - but Tommy would not back down. He was just out to take him down," the witness said. "Kid Rock got trampled by people running over. It was unbelievable."

Eventually, the designer's own bodyguard pulled him out of the club.

That's right. Notorious rock'n'fuckinroll tough guy Axl Rose got his ass kicked by a diminutive, well-groomed, 55-year-old fashion designer. That just may be funnier than the new Guns'n'Roses album.

The New York Post article is a little light on the facts -- it is the Post, after all -- so we have little information on the extent of Axl's injuries or the degree to which he wet all over his plaid pleated skirt during the ass-kicking he received. (Did I mention that said ass-kicking came from a diminutive, well-groomed, 55-year-old fashion designer? I did? OK.)

For some reason, this incident reminds me of my favorite bit of dialogue from I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka!

Willie: I heard you screamin' from all the way over there, and...
Leonard: I wasn't screamin', all right?
Willie: But I heard you...
Leonard: I wasn't screamin'! I was whistling!
Willie: You was whistling "Willie, get this bitch off me"?
Leonard: Yeah!

Keep whistlin', Axl. And welcome to the jungle, punk-ass bitch.

Keep On Rockin' in the Free World

As part of their continuing effort to address the important issues of modern conservatism, like Jonah Goldberg's interpretations of "Star Trek" as an allegory for the war on Islamocooties, the National Review has compiled a list of the Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs.

In a sign of the importance of The List, it's been kept behind the NR's paywall, right along with Bill Buckley's recipe for his homemade Apple Brown Betty. But in the spirit of free enterprise, an aspiring blogger has done the free world a favor by posting the entire list.

Here are some highlights:

1. "Won't Get Fooled Again," by The Who.
The conservative movement is full of disillusioned revolutionaries; this could be their theme song, an oath that swears off naпve idealism once and for all. "There's nothing in the streets / Looks any different to me / And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye... Meet the new boss / Same as the old boss." The instantly recognizable synthesizer intro, Pete Townshend's ringing guitar, Keith Moon's pounding drums, and Roger Daltrey's wailing vocals make this one of the most explosive rock anthems ever recorded -- the best number by a big band, and a classic for conservatives.

Given the NRO's past record of defining themselves according to classic Comedy Central fare like "South Park" and "Pardon My Zinger," I can only assume this selection is the opening salvo of a new argument for "CSI Conservatives." While the lyrics quoted above seem like a conservative critique of '60s street protest, there's the small matter of the part that's been elided: "And the party on the left / Is now the party on the right." In other words, it's a critique of the Vietnam-era Democrats from the left. Huh. I never knew there were so many conservatives in the antiwar movement.

3. "Sympathy for the Devil," by The Rolling Stones.
Don't be misled by the title; this song is The Screwtape Letters of rock. The devil is a tempter who leans hard on moral relativism -- he will try to make you think that "every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints." What's more, he is the sinister inspiration for the cruelties of Bolshevism: "I stuck around St. Petersburg / When I saw it was a time for a change / Killed the czar and his ministers / Anastasia screamed in vain."

And let's no forget the song's tribute to those classic conservatives, John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy: "I shouted out, 'Who killed the Kennedys?' / When after all, it was you and me." Maybe that's praise for Lee Harvey Oswald's support of Castro's Cuba?

4. "Sweet Home Alabama," by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
A tribute to the region of America that liberals love to loathe, taking a shot at Neil Young's Canadian arrogance along the way: "A Southern man don't need him around anyhow."

And a tribute to racist, standing-in-the-schoolhouse-door Governor George Wallace, too. Man, what a conservative hero!

12. "Neighborhood Bully," by Bob Dylan.
A pro-Israel song released in 1983, two years after the bombing of Iraq's nuclear reactor, this ironic number could be a theme song for the Bush Doctrine: "He destroyed a bomb factory, nobody was glad / The bombs were meant for him / He was supposed to feel bad / He's the neighborhood bully."

I'll give you a second to swallow the idea of Bob Dylan writing a top conservative rock song -- see also, the Sex Pistols, the Clash, David Bowie and CCR -- and move on to lyrics that seem to be describing a different country these days: "He got no allies to really speak of / What he gets he must pay for, he don't get it out of love / He buys obsolete weapons and he won't be denied / But no one sends flesh and blood to fight by his side/ He's the neighborhood bully."

18. "Cult of Personality," by Living Colour.
A hard-rocking critique of state power, whacking Mussolini, Stalin, and even JFK: "I exploit you, still you love me / I tell you one and one makes three / I'm the cult of personality."

Yes, yes, the cult of personality is solely a product of the Left. And anyone who says differently is clearly suffering from Irrational Bush Hatred.

24. "Der Kommissar," by After the Fire.
On the misery of East German life: "Don't turn around, uh-oh / Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh / He's got the power / And you're so weak / And your frustration / Will not let you speak." Also a hit song for Falco, who wrote it.

Uhhh .... yeah. I guess they let Schwarzeneggar pick one.

32. "Keep Your Hands to Yourself," by The Georgia Satellites.
An outstanding vocal performance, with lyrics that affirm old-time sexual mores: "She said no huggy, no kissy until I get a wedding vow."

And President Bush got a pick, too, it seems.

34. "Godzilla," by Blue Oyster Cult.
A 1977 classic about a big green monster -- and more: "History shows again and again / How nature points up the folly of men."

First of all, where are the umlauts? And second, Godzilla is a cautionary tale about the dangers of nuclear war and the consequences of wreaking havoc on the environment. I thought those were the kinds of things that only concerned the touchy-queery liberals?

35. "Who'll Stop the Rain," by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Written as an anti–Vietnam War song, this tune nevertheless is pessimistic about activism and takes a dim view of both Communism and liberalism: "Five-year plans and new deals, wrapped in golden chains..."

Again, conservatives seem to forget that it was once actually possible to critique liberalism from the left. As someone over at Pandagon noted, if thinking the government hasn't gone far enough left somehow makes me a conservative, well, there I am. I'll see you at the next National Review Cruise and Shuffleboard Hoedown, Jonah!

47. "One," by Creed.
Against racial preferences: "Society blind by color / Why hold down one to raise another / Discrimination now on both sides / Seeds of hate blossom further."

That may be the first time I've actually read a Creed lyric. I'm starting to think David Cross was right -- Scott Stapp apparently gets his ideas from the discarded poetry of eighth-grade schoolgirls.

50. "Stand By Your Man," by Tammy Wynette.
Hillary trashed it -- isn't that enough?

Yeah! Tammy Wynette! Kick out the jams, motherfuckers!

There's plenty of more insanity over at the full list, so go check it out. There are some surprising omissions -- the title song of this post, for instance, and the entire body of work by the Nuge -- and some baffling inclusions. Did you know that Jesus Jones' "Right Here Right Now" is not only about the fall of communism but is also, in fact, a good rock song? Did you know that Led Zepplin's "Battle of Evermore" is also about communism? And David Bowie's "Heroes"? And, apparently, every song ever written in English? Well, it's true! The National Review said so, and when have they ever been wrong?

But like I said -- there's plenty of trainwreck here for us all to gawk at, so have a look and share your thoughts in the comments.

(Thanks to Pandagon for finding the link.)

Update: Apparently, the rush to bask in conservative rock has caused the original link to crash. I'm thankful that I was able to preserve some of the brilliance here, but like Oskar Schindler, I sincerely wish that I could've done more.

Outtakes and Spittakes

A nice little collection of adminsitration outtakes on SNL last night.

Crooks and Liars, as always, has the video.

"Help! I'm Being Repressed!"

Courtesy of the Poor Man, I stumbled across this tragic story of oppression from history professor James C. Cobb at the University of Georgia:

After 34 years of college teaching, I thought I had heard just about every imaginable student complaint. Last week, however, a freshman in my 300-seat US History Since 1865 course came in to discuss her exam with one of the graders and proceeded to work herself into a semi-hissy over the fact that we had spent four class periods (one of them consisting of a visit from Taylor Branch) discussing the civil rights movement.

"I don't know where he's getting all of this," she complained, "we never discussed any of this in high school." One might have let the matter rest here as simply an example of a high school history teacher's sins of omission being visited on the hapless old history prof. had the student not informed the TA in an indignant postcript, "I'm not a Democrat! I don't think I should have to listen to this stuff!"

Apparently, the Republican version of 1950s history is nothing more than old episodes of "Leave It to Beaver."

Mr. B Natural

Since it's a crappy, rainy day here in New York, I thought I'd pass along one of my favorite short clips from "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the creepily hysterical "Mr. B Natural." Consider this a coffee break.