Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Thighs of Christ Compel You!

Traditionally, the World's Strongest Man competition is dominated by men named Magnus -- Magnus ver Magnusson, Magnus Samuelsen, Magneto, etc. It seems there's something magical about that name that allows the various Magni to perform the amazing feats of strength, like lifting a Volkswagen Beetle or making it through an entire episode of "According to Jim."

Well, look out, all you Magnuseses of the Nordic Lands. There's a new mildly-retarded pituitary case in town, and if he didn't get all queasy when it came to muscular men in leotards, he would kick your behinds. But not in a gay way.
Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2000 pounds! How does he do it?

Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?

One of Pat’s secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients.
Wow! It's hard to believe a frail old man like Pat Robertson could more than triple the record for a leg press, but this is, after all, a man who can redirect hurricanes. With his mind.

There may be some unbelievers out there, but they probably don't think 9/11 was caused by gays and abortionists and the ACLU, either. What do they know? They'd probably say that the withered muscles of a batshit crazy octagenarian couldn't possibly leg press 2000 pounds. Pffft. And then they'd go on and on again about their touchy-queery "ev-o-lu-tion."

Well, they don't know anything. Too much "school learnin'" if you ask me. I, for one, look forward to seeing Pat Robertson compete in this year's strongman competition. Or, perhaps, the Special Olympics. But either way, the competition is going down!

4 comments:

sideshow bob said...

"According to Jim"...what kind of God would allow that?!?

InanimateCarbonRod said...

Maybe he can kill Chavez with a Xenia Onatopp-like death grip.

Thrillhous said...

World's strongest man competitions (straight from Kuala Lumpur!), Magni, and Pat Robertson. This post is the perfect storm of comedy. I dub thee lord of the snark.

Otto Man said...

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.