Andy Andy

The demented people at McSweeney's have uncovered a lost episode of Andy Rooney's "60 Minutes" segment. (Frankly, I'm not sure what the official title of his segment is called, but I'm pretty sure it's something like "I Had an Onion on My Belt" or "Runaway Eyebrows!")

Anyway, here's a taste:

ANDY ROONEY: Another sex tape hit the Internet this week. I don't know what the big deal is. People look at Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton in action, and they can't believe their eyes. Excuse me, but hasn't sex been around for generations? In fact, the reason we have generations is because we have sex. Every man and woman you see racing to catch a cab or zooming through Grand Central Station is the result of sex. Every single one of them journeyed through a vagina. If you have to watch a sex tape for educational purposes, you really should talk to a counselor—unless you're under the age of 12.

Then you should speak to a 16-year-old.

Be sure to read the rest. It involves Madeleine Albright.

No, I'm not drunk. Yet.

"This One Goes to Eleven!"

It looks like Fred Thompson is going to be the eleventh rich, old, white guy running for the Republican nomination. Frankly, I think this is good news for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, his entry will only further fracture the GOP base, with four strong contenders now instead of three. And with Newt salivating on the sidelines, we could soon see five of these guys trading insults with each other and trying to see who can pose as the toughest hombre of them all. (I hear Mitt Romney is going to up his ante from "Double Guantanamo" to a "Triple Kent State.") Plus, in the tradition of the "Seven Dwarves" from 1988, I fully expect the media to start talking about Fred and Tommy as the "Thompson Twins."

Second, and more specifically, this is going to drive Rudy Guliani crazy. Acting as the tough, law-and-order, NYC politician has been his schtick for a while now, but how will that hold up next to the tough Law and Order NYC politician that Thompson plays? And Rudy pretends that being a target on 9/11 makes him a foreign policy expert, but how does that compare to the wisdom of Admiral Fred Thompson, who once said, "The Russians don't take a crap without a plan"?

Third, for those of you enjoying the way in which the family-values voters are having to choose from a bunch of serial adulterers with multiple, messy divorces under their belts, Thompson only adds to the mix. As Wonkette notes, Thompson's claim to difference here is that unlike Rudy, Newt and McCain, he wasn't cheating on his first wife with the woman who became his second wife when they got divorced. And the second wife? She's a pure, homely, family-values type of gal that the heartland will absolutely adore!

So, welcome aboard, Fred.

You have a reputation as a lazy do-nothing in the Senate and the puffy, splotchy, bloodshot good looks we normally only get to appreciate when Dan Ackroyd dons the leathery old-man makeup.

Given the alternatives, no wonder the Republican base is excited.

Caption Contest

Back from an action-packed Memorial Day weekend.

What better way to kick off a four-day work week than a caption contest? Have at him.

The Difference Between Me & A Redneck

"It feels really good," Jamison, of Pickensville, said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

I would be thinking about the pending roast, as well as cleaning my pants.

Friday Random Simpsons

Our boy Otto is off again this week. I think he's on a fact-finding mission to the Slim Jim factory to find out just what part of the cow the Slim Jims are made of, and exactly what is it that makes them so salty. He asked me to fill in for him today, but lordy I'm sick of the crappy music you people listen to. So I decided to take it up a notch and do a random 10 Simpsons episodes.

How did I do it? Basically I found a list of all the episodes, made them into a Word file, and then sent it to Mrs. Thrillhous, who used her mathematical wizardry to make it random. If you're thinking she just might be a dork, you're right. Today she's spending the morning on line at the Post Office so she can get 37 sheets of the new Star Wars stamps.

I must say, I'm a little bit nervous about doing this list, because I haven't seen a whole lot of the shows the last 5 years or so. There's bound to be a couple I don't know at all. Here we go.

1. The Wettest Stories Ever Told -- see, right off the bat is an episode I don't recognize. The summary says it's another one of those episodes where each character tells a story. I hate those. 2/10

2. Bart Sells His Soul -- now we're talking! This is the one where Bart tricks the church into singing "In a Gadda Davida." Also, Moe decides to turn the bar into a family restaurant, "Moe's Family Feedbag." Lots of great lines, such as Jimbo's "Way to breath, no breathe" and Homer's reply to Moe getting a fryer that can flash fry a buffalo in 40 seconds: "But I wanted it now." 10/10

3. The Day the Violence Died -- Guest star Kirk Douglas. Bart discovers that Itchy and Scratchy were stolen from a now-poor animator (Chester) played by Douglas. Not a great episode, but a few good lines. Plus it's got Lionel Hutz, which is always a plus. He has a great line, when Bart asks him why he has to pay a retainer fee when his ad said "Works on a contingency basis. No money down": "Oh, they got this all screwed up: 'Works on a contingency basis? No, money down!" I love lawyers. 6/10

4. Lisa versus Malibu Stacy -- Guest star Kathleen Turner. Didn't love the main plot, but lots of good lines, plus an awesome Grandpa Simpsons subplot. We learn that Smithers really really loves Malibu Stacy ("I'll see you at Stacy 'Con 94!!") as well as Mr. Burns. This is the episode where he turns on his computer and there's a poor animation of Mr. B saying "Hello. . . Smithers . . You're quite good . . . at . . turning me . . on!" Meanwhile, Grandpa gets off some of the best lines ever, such as "What smells like mustard" and "There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood." He believes the way to get young again is to drink Buzz cola, which does nothing but burn his tongue. Such incredible lines, but the Malibu Stacy story keeps it from being perfect. 9/10

5. Wild Barts Can't be Broken -- Not a great one. Bart and the other kids are put under curfew, so to get back at the adults they start a radio show where they reveal the secrets of their parents, such as Homer eating Flanders' garbage (Homer: "I have a problem"). Funny, but not ha-ha funny. 5/10

6. Kill the Alligator and the Run -- Another so-so episode. The intro is good, with Homer dressing up as the quizmaster and making people take silly quizzes from a magazine, but it's downhill from there. They go to spring break, kill an alligator, bla bla bla. They weren't all happy days. 4/10

7. The War of the Simpsons -- Finally, back to the classics. The main story, Homer and Marge go to marriage counselling, is not great, but the lead-in, in which Marge throws a party and Homer makes an ass of himself, is brilliant. Too many good lines to quote them all, but a few: "Do we have enough gag ice cubes?"; "Take it easy on the alkyhol, Homer. Remember last year at the Winfields' when you threw up in the laundry hamper?"; and from reverend Lovejoy, "We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including `Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners' and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'." The rest of the show is kinda slow. 7/10

8. A Fish Called Selma -- Now we're talking five-alarm hilarity. In an effort to conceal his fish fetish, Troy McClure asks Selma to marry him. Wall to wall funny, this one is. When Lisa asks Homer what a muppet is, he says "Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs] So to answer your question I don't know." 10/10

9. The Old Man and the C Student -- Springfield tries to get the Olympics, fail miserably because of Bart and Homer. Not a great episode, but Springy really would be a great mascot. 5/10

10. Insane Clown Poppy -- Turns out Krusty has a daughter, and he's reunited with her in this episode. Schmaltzy story, but lots of good Krusty zingers. Daughter: "I'm so glad you don't feel like you have to be 'on' with me all the time." Krusty: "I thought I was 'on'." Homer, on trying to open a stuck drawer with a firecracker: "Look, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?" Krusty: "Listen kid, I'm not the kind of father who, you know, does things or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!" 7/10

I was hoping for more early classics, but a list is a list. If you've got any favorite moments from these episodes, or if, for some bizarre reason, you've got your own list of random episodes, get jiggy in the comments. And if you absolutely must, go ahead and list your random Husker Du and Bob Marley songs for this week. Freaks.

Unfortunate punctuation

For some reason the quotation marks in this headline really bother me.

White & Nerdy

This song speaks to me, especially because I'm so lame that I don't know what song it's based on.

Extra! Extra! TIME Smells!

In what will go down as one of the greatest cases of plagiarism in media history, I'd like to point out that my post yesterday about the similarities between The Office and The Administration was apparently picked up by a bunch of lazy, copycat reporters at Time Magazine.

Well, that, or the comparisons were just too damn obvious.

One Day Closer to Death

America is getting older and frailer.

Communities across the USA are scrambling to brighten street signs, widen sidewalks and redesign housing to brace for a demographic earthquake: 35 million more seniors by 2030.

Brighter signs and wider sidewalks are nice and all, but I'm seriously worried about all these elderly citizens' quality of life. Not everyone can afford to retire to a golf course in Arizona.

So, how to keep the poor, weak, and immobile entertained? Here's a forward thinking person. And quite possibly the coolest grandmother ever.

Mavis Becker is a senior who enjoys drugs. The Vancouverite, who's about to turn 65, says she has a lot of stress on her plate, caring for her 93-year-old father who suffers from dementia. When she gets wound up, Mavis rolls herself a joint.

"I do have a habit of getting on the hyper side. And I find if I go out on my balcony and smoke a doobie, I feel way more relaxed and I don't get too excited about it," she says.

"I hope my grandchildren will be willing to roll a doobie for me if my arthritis gets too bad," says Becker.

It seems that the baby boomers who discovered recreational drugs decades ago are bringing them along into their golden years, saying they don't intend to stop just because they are older. The numbers of seniors using illicit drugs are likely small but seem to be increasing.

One of my biggest fears is that as I grow too old to do anything but sit around and watch television all day is that I won't have any connections. All I'll be able to do is go to McDonald's and pray that I get the Happiest Meal Ever.

Why is This Man Smiling?

I'll tell you why.

It was in India that she encountered somebody with a tongue stud and later had her own implanted — a bar with two delicate balls on either side.

On her MySpace website she lists one of her favourite bands as Coldplay and says her heroes are “my beautiful husband and anyone else who embraces peace”. She describes Dennis as a “very philosophical, deep thinking person” rather than a new age type, but he is a vegan, unlike her — she still cannot resist occasional dairy products.

You know what they say about girls who drink milk.

The Executive Office

The more I read about the unfolding scandals at the Department of Justice, the more I'm realizing I've seen this trainwreck before. Upon closer inspection, it seems, the Bush Administration was the inspiration for NBC's The Office.

Hear me out. The comparisons at the top levels are unmistakable.

The boss -- whether it be George Bush or Michael Scott -- is a dim-witted, tongue-tied doofus who's in way, way over his head. Unable to inspire his employees with his intelligence or leadership, he uses frat-boy humor and gives out third-grade nicknames to try and win them over. He desperately craves their respect, to the point that he has to make-believe he has it by buying himself a "World's Best Boss" coffee mug or a "Mission Accomplished" banner. He gets frustrated that the world won't dumb itself down to his level, and this leads to the inevitable tantrums.

And the boss's egomania is readily stoked by his lickspittle lapdog, whether it be Alberto Gonzales or Dwight Schrute. Desperate to kiss ass, he'll do anything to make the boss happy, from cleaning his laundry to dirtying the Constitution. Although he gives himself titles to make him feel important -- Assistant to the Regional Manager, Special Counsel to the President -- he really lacks any appreciable skills other than blind, pathetic loyalty. He likes to think of himself as a leader, too, but is actually even worse at it than his boss. ("Attention, blue collar workers!" is about as subtle as "Everyone but the Loyal Bushies are fired!")

Just slightly down the food chain is an arch-conservative Christian woman whose loyalties are to her immediate superiors and her ecclesiastical ones. Monica Goodling, the 33-year-old graduate of Messiah College and Pat Robertson's Regent University Law School -- unofficial motto: "A third of our graduates can pass the bar exam!" -- is obviously the basis for Angela. Cruel and cold-hearted, she believes that eternal justice is on her side, and wants to bring down God's vengeance on whoever she can, whether it be Kelly from Customer Service or 93 dirty, rotten, disloyal U.S. Attorneys.

I'm not quite sure how the rest of the comparisons work themselves out. It's hard to find a role based on Dick Cheney, but I'm leaning towards the rage-filled Roy from the undisclosed location of the warehouse. Condi Rice is probably best mirrored by Jan, in terms of the influence over Michael/George, though I'm not so sure after the season finale. And for some reason, I'm seeing Creed as the basis for Scooter Libby. Must be the creepiness in his eyes. I'm sure we can brainstorm the rest, so drop your own suggestions in the comments below.

And before the purists complain, yes, I'm well aware that there was a British version of this show before the American one. But I heard they just fired the guy in charge over there. David Blair or Tony Brent, or something.

Godfather IV: Fredo's Revenge

Between the Decider giving AG Gonzales the nickname "Fredo" and James Comey testifying about the showdown in Ashcroft's hospital room, the comparisons between the Bush Administration and The Godfather were pretty obvious.

That said, this short movie spoof over at TPM is absolutely brilliant.

Stupid Like a Fox!

If you missed this week's episode of The Simpsons, check out this page to see the two sharp elbows they threw to Fox News. The embedded links didn't work for me, but both clips can be downloaded easily by the links underneath the embeds.

There are a couple nice quotes in there, but my favorite is Homer's revelation after watching Fox News all day: “Did you know that, every day, Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain-dead ladies?”

Gone-zo

Over at Slate, they've made a clear and convincing case for impeaching the Attorney General.

Well worth a read, especially since the Senate Democrats are angling for a no-confidence vote on AG AG, which would be a likely first step to impeaching this moron and putting the country and Constitution out of their misery.

Friday Random Ten

After this week's debate for the Republican presidential candidates, this album cover seemed strangely appropriate.

Between the symbolic elephant, the shameless selling out, and a dress that I believe was once worn by Rudy Guiliani, this album cover is everywhere the GOP wants to be. If only they could attach electrodes to the elephant's genitals and prevent the woman from having an abortion, this would be a Republican wet dream. Except, of course, that wet dreams make Baby Jesus cry.

Anyway, time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's roll.

1. Mos Def, "Got" -- Not one of my favorite tracks off Black on Both Sides, but still fairly solid stuff. 6/10

2. Massive Attack, "Heat Miser" -- These kids get serious points for naming a song after a certain Mr. Heat Miser, a.k.a. Mr. Green Christmas, a.k.a. Mister Sun, a.k.a. Mister Heat Blister, a.k.a. Mister Hundred and One. Seriously, whatever he touches, starts to melt in his clutch! He's too much! 7/10

3. Muddy Waters, "Evil" -- Apparently, today's random ten has been brought to us by the letter "M" -- just like James Bond! This is another classic Chess-era tune from McKinley Morganfield (more M's, Grover!) which is the gold standard of electric blues. 8/10

4. Beastie Boys, "Son of Neckbone" -- This tune is one of their many instrumental homages to 1970s porn. While I'm intrigued about what the "son of neckbone" maneuver looks like, I'm afraid to ask. Eh. 3/10

5. Dinah Washington, "Long John Blues" -- Speaking of sex, this is one of the sultriest dirtiest jazz tunes ever recorded. "He took out his trusted drill / And he told me to open wide / He said he wouldn't hurt me / But he'd fill my hole inside." Man, now my pants are chafing me. 10/10

6. South, "Paint the Silence" -- Light, late '90s Brit pop that's indistinguishable from Travis, Coldplay, and all the other bands that sprouted up to make Oasis look edgy. Pffft. 2/10

7. Dusty Springfield, "I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself" -- She should go ask the son of the preacher man. 6/10

8. Liz Phair, "Stratford-on-Guy" -- Ah, remember what Liz Phair was like back at the beginning? This whole album is phenomenal, but this is one of the better ones. Come back to us, Liz! Come back to the light! 9/10

9. Modest Mouse, "People as Places as People" -- And we're back to the M theme. The new album is really growing on me, and this is proving to be catchier every time I give it a listen. Nice. 8/10

10. The Jimi Hendrix Experience, "Castles Made of Sand" -- One of the trippier tunes Hendrix put out, this song lacks the scorching guitar work. But I guess Hendrix wasn't really known for that, right? 5/10

Alright, that's a 6.4 average on the day. I was all over the place, but somehow managed to find my way back to my usual spot. Welcome to Mediocrity, Population: Me.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own random ten in the comments below, or else discuss Bobbi Baker's desperate plea for an intervention.

Headline to Headline

Drawn from a thread over at Balloon Juice, here are the finalists for the best headlines of 2007. (Yes, I know we have more than half a year left -- assuming the president doesn't unveil that Rapture Accomplished banner -- but these are going to be impossible to top.)

The first headline displays tongue-in-cheek humor. The second one, well, you don't want to put your tongue there.

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below.

All's Well That Falwell

As I'm sure you've heard by now, Jerry Falwell has shuffled off this mortal coil and gone on to meet his Maker.

What I wouldn't give to be there, just to see the look on Falwell's face when St. Peter patiently explains to him that the central messages of Christianity were not, in fact, "hate the player and hate the game" and "get rich or die tryin'." Given Falwell's track record, I'm sure the shock would be enough to kill him all over again.

While I won't get to see the scales fall from Falwell's eyes, I hope to see the reaction from John McCain. Just over a year ago, as you'll remember, McCain scrapped his old Straight Talk Express line about Falwell, that he was "an agent of intolerance," and instead embraced the man in a controversial appearance at Liberty University.

It was a crude flip-flop, but a calculated move made by the candidate in hopes of winning the presidential nomination in a primary system that brings out the far-right wing. McCain consciously sacrificed his carefully cultivated image as an independent "maverick," in exchange for the Religious Right credentials that Jerry Falwell would give him with the Republican base.

And yet now that Falwell's passed on, he has neither. McCain's maverick image is long dead, but whatever influence Falwell could've brought to his campaign died with him.

Congratulations, John. To quote the wisdom of Judge Smells, you'll have nothing and like it.

"Because ... That's What Jesus Wants?"

Crooks and Liars has a short clip from "Family Guy" that shows what happens when Republican talking points are left unchecked. Scary, funny stuff.

Separated at Birth

Over at Sadly No!, they've assembled an incredible collection of photos comparing and contrasting conservative luminaries with their less-evil twins.

It's an impressive list. I don't know which match I enjoyed more -- Ann Coulter or George Will -- or perhaps the best ones were the wingnuts they matched with Lurch from "The Addams Family" or Tor Johnson from "Manos." Hard to say.

Glen Allen Anzalone is Jealous.

You must watch the full 3 minutes 22 seconds.