Friday Random Simpsons

Our boy Otto is off again this week. I think he's on a fact-finding mission to the Slim Jim factory to find out just what part of the cow the Slim Jims are made of, and exactly what is it that makes them so salty. He asked me to fill in for him today, but lordy I'm sick of the crappy music you people listen to. So I decided to take it up a notch and do a random 10 Simpsons episodes.

How did I do it? Basically I found a list of all the episodes, made them into a Word file, and then sent it to Mrs. Thrillhous, who used her mathematical wizardry to make it random. If you're thinking she just might be a dork, you're right. Today she's spending the morning on line at the Post Office so she can get 37 sheets of the new Star Wars stamps.

I must say, I'm a little bit nervous about doing this list, because I haven't seen a whole lot of the shows the last 5 years or so. There's bound to be a couple I don't know at all. Here we go.

1. The Wettest Stories Ever Told -- see, right off the bat is an episode I don't recognize. The summary says it's another one of those episodes where each character tells a story. I hate those. 2/10

2. Bart Sells His Soul -- now we're talking! This is the one where Bart tricks the church into singing "In a Gadda Davida." Also, Moe decides to turn the bar into a family restaurant, "Moe's Family Feedbag." Lots of great lines, such as Jimbo's "Way to breath, no breathe" and Homer's reply to Moe getting a fryer that can flash fry a buffalo in 40 seconds: "But I wanted it now." 10/10

3. The Day the Violence Died -- Guest star Kirk Douglas. Bart discovers that Itchy and Scratchy were stolen from a now-poor animator (Chester) played by Douglas. Not a great episode, but a few good lines. Plus it's got Lionel Hutz, which is always a plus. He has a great line, when Bart asks him why he has to pay a retainer fee when his ad said "Works on a contingency basis. No money down": "Oh, they got this all screwed up: 'Works on a contingency basis? No, money down!" I love lawyers. 6/10

4. Lisa versus Malibu Stacy -- Guest star Kathleen Turner. Didn't love the main plot, but lots of good lines, plus an awesome Grandpa Simpsons subplot. We learn that Smithers really really loves Malibu Stacy ("I'll see you at Stacy 'Con 94!!") as well as Mr. Burns. This is the episode where he turns on his computer and there's a poor animation of Mr. B saying "Hello. . . Smithers . . You're quite good . . . at . . turning me . . on!" Meanwhile, Grandpa gets off some of the best lines ever, such as "What smells like mustard" and "There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood." He believes the way to get young again is to drink Buzz cola, which does nothing but burn his tongue. Such incredible lines, but the Malibu Stacy story keeps it from being perfect. 9/10

5. Wild Barts Can't be Broken -- Not a great one. Bart and the other kids are put under curfew, so to get back at the adults they start a radio show where they reveal the secrets of their parents, such as Homer eating Flanders' garbage (Homer: "I have a problem"). Funny, but not ha-ha funny. 5/10

6. Kill the Alligator and the Run -- Another so-so episode. The intro is good, with Homer dressing up as the quizmaster and making people take silly quizzes from a magazine, but it's downhill from there. They go to spring break, kill an alligator, bla bla bla. They weren't all happy days. 4/10

7. The War of the Simpsons -- Finally, back to the classics. The main story, Homer and Marge go to marriage counselling, is not great, but the lead-in, in which Marge throws a party and Homer makes an ass of himself, is brilliant. Too many good lines to quote them all, but a few: "Do we have enough gag ice cubes?"; "Take it easy on the alkyhol, Homer. Remember last year at the Winfields' when you threw up in the laundry hamper?"; and from reverend Lovejoy, "We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including `Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners' and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'." The rest of the show is kinda slow. 7/10

8. A Fish Called Selma -- Now we're talking five-alarm hilarity. In an effort to conceal his fish fetish, Troy McClure asks Selma to marry him. Wall to wall funny, this one is. When Lisa asks Homer what a muppet is, he says "Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs] So to answer your question I don't know." 10/10

9. The Old Man and the C Student -- Springfield tries to get the Olympics, fail miserably because of Bart and Homer. Not a great episode, but Springy really would be a great mascot. 5/10

10. Insane Clown Poppy -- Turns out Krusty has a daughter, and he's reunited with her in this episode. Schmaltzy story, but lots of good Krusty zingers. Daughter: "I'm so glad you don't feel like you have to be 'on' with me all the time." Krusty: "I thought I was 'on'." Homer, on trying to open a stuck drawer with a firecracker: "Look, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?" Krusty: "Listen kid, I'm not the kind of father who, you know, does things or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!" 7/10

I was hoping for more early classics, but a list is a list. If you've got any favorite moments from these episodes, or if, for some bizarre reason, you've got your own list of random episodes, get jiggy in the comments. And if you absolutely must, go ahead and list your random Husker Du and Bob Marley songs for this week. Freaks.