Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cable Snooze Network

Judging by the breathless coverage on CNN right now, there's some mini-scandal involving Miss USA going to bars before she turned 21. Personally, I'm shocked. I didn't know we still had the Miss USA competition.

Anyway, CNN just gave start-to-finish coverage of the press conference. Yes, start-to-finish, because this wasn't some boring old political speech about the war, the economy, or the fate of our lives, but a vitally important issue like whether or not Miss USA snuck into Tipsy McSurly's and drank a Zima! Besides, Donald Trump is apparently involved somehow, and we all know how rarely we get to see and hear from that reclusive American.

As unnewsworthy as this whole event was -- I hate to ruin the suspense, but Miss USA will keep her crown!!!! -- the CNN anchors treated this like it was the fall of the Berlin Wall. As the press conference came to an end, they wiped the drool from their lips and Tony Harris actually said something to the effect of "Wow! We can beat this issue for hours!" Seriously, if they get any more excited about this, we're going to have our first on-air circle jerk.

Oops, I've got to run. They've shifted from the fifteen minutes of wankery about Miss USA to fifteen minutes of somber updates on those lost mountain climbers. Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, war, scandal, crisis, blah blah blah....

Go to sleep, America! CNN commands you.

11 comments:

Mike said...

OM, every morning I (have to) walk past Trump Tower on my way from the train to the office. This morning the street was lined with all sorts of news trucks, cameras, police lines, reporters, and gawking tourists.

I thought maybe thr Donald was gonna reveal a new hair-style, or new trophy chick. But I guess it was just some Miss USA nonsense.

Mags said...

My thoughts exactly. And this scandal had been a-brewin' for days. They also tried to make it all salacious because what's her face had also been caught making out with her roommate (another woman).

That is SO "Girls Gone Wild." Yawn. We see this shit on MTV with every new season of The Real World.

Next thing you know, Miss USA will stop wearing underwear and start hanging out with Paris Hilton to do some damage control.

Does anyone even pay attention to Miss USA after the pageant anyway?

Please.

Otto Man said...

Does anyone even pay attention to the pageant?

Smitty said...

Does anyone even pay attention?



...present company excluded, of course.

Mike said...

Does anyone even pay?

(In other words, maybe there is a free lunch afterall.)

Otto Man said...

...present company excluded, of course.

Of course. Seriously, if I hadn't seen the CNN pressgasm this morning, I wouldn't have been able to say if there was still a Miss USA, much less who she was or what she'd done. It was like hearing that Up with People was still touring.

I still can't get over how overblown this all was. When I saw they might strip her of the title, I thought she must've posed nude or something. She drank in a bar with a fake I.D.? Oh, heaven forfend!!! What will we tell the children?!?!?!

S.W. Anderson said...

"pressgasm" — excellent!

Your dissatisfaction with CNN arises from an understandable misperception: The network 's mission to gather and report news. In reality, the network is in business to attract eyeballs and deliver them to advertisers.

Look at George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Robert Gates, then look again at your photo of fetching Tara. Now, which do you suppose is going to attract and deliver more eyeballs?

InanimateCarbonRod said...

You must keep this in perspective. Not only is she Miss USA, but she was just named Time Magazine's Person of the Year.

Sandro said...

Just imagine the unending shitstorm of coverage we'd get if one of these pageant winners was ever to go missing. Nancy Grace's head would explode.

peb said...

I actually am in favor of more news coverage of superhot blond chicks. Even if they are crazy beauty pageant contestants who can't handle their fruity girl drinks.

Bob said...

Hey man, I just heard Miss USA was also accused of making out with Miss Tenn USA.

Now if CNN (or Spike, or Cinemax, or HBO) would cover some of that action, I think it would be news worthly.