Judging by the breathless coverage on CNN right now, there's some mini-scandal involving Miss USA going to bars before she turned 21. Personally, I'm shocked. I didn't know we still had the Miss USA competition.
Anyway, CNN just gave start-to-finish coverage of the press conference. Yes, start-to-finish, because this wasn't some boring old political speech about the war, the economy, or the fate of our lives, but a vitally important issue like whether or not Miss USA snuck into Tipsy McSurly's and drank a Zima! Besides, Donald Trump is apparently involved somehow, and we all know how rarely we get to see and hear from that reclusive American.
As unnewsworthy as this whole event was -- I hate to ruin the suspense, but Miss USA will keep her crown!!!! -- the CNN anchors treated this like it was the fall of the Berlin Wall. As the press conference came to an end, they wiped the drool from their lips and Tony Harris actually said something to the effect of "Wow! We can beat this issue for hours!" Seriously, if they get any more excited about this, we're going to have our first on-air circle jerk.
Oops, I've got to run. They've shifted from the fifteen minutes of wankery about Miss USA to fifteen minutes of somber updates on those lost mountain climbers. Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, war, scandal, crisis, blah blah blah....
Go to sleep, America! CNN commands you.