A Real American Pie Chart

Somebody's Fucking My Lady

I've been looking for this forever -- Jerry Minor and Craig Robinson on "Real Time with Bill Maher," singing the greatest love song of all time.

Attention Advertisers

If you don't cease and desist with the "Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?" ad with those real-life, rythymless, still-schlubby morons pawing their way through the song like drunken fucking pandas, singing the praises of that corkboard piece of shit cookie, I'm going to take a hostage. You have been warned.

Also, Lipitor: Your ad with the heart-attack victim with the pencil thin mustache is creeping me out. Only two kinds of men have that look -- internationally notorious cat burglars and pedophiles. Either way, I'm not listening.

The Jordan Schlansky Project

Christ, this recurring bit from Conan O'Brien is funny. I still can't believe Schlansky is a real person. He seems like they crossbred Sylar from "Heroes" and the Queer Eye crew.

If Conan isn't your cup of tea, feel free to switch over to Leno. Might as well hit the early bird special at the Sizzler and then take your fiber laxative while you're at it, grandpa.

Seriously?

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd write: Tom Arnold is one smart liberal.

Jesus, Hannity, you just got your ass kicked by a guy who willingly married Roseanne Barr.

Friday Nonrandom One

Go hell, iPodians. This is how I roll.

Friday Random Ten

This week's album cover comes courtesy of friend of the blog -- and, indeed, friend of all mankind -- Pedro.

Just look into the eyes of little Eli Manning there. He has a secret to tell, but I'm not sure just who it's about. Maybe it was his dad Archie, taking out some trauma from his days with the Aints. Maybe his brother Cooper, the one without the football gene, trying to dominate his little brother with his own version of the hurry-up offense. Or maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants.

Who knows? But it's bad. Tom Coughlin naked bad.

Alright, let's do this thing.

For those of you just joining us, here's how it's done, in three easy steps. First, take out whatever music storage device you use -- an iPod, an imitationPod, a 1958 Wurlitzer jukebox, the rhythm-blessed wino on your corner, whatever -- set it to random, and give us the first ten songs that come out. Second, if you'd like to kick it up a notch Elzar-style, rate the songs on a scale of one to ten, with one being the biggest bunch of sucks who ever sucked a suck and ten being a song so cool that it collapses upon itself to form a black hole of coolness that not even Barry White's voice could escape. Third, and most important, mock everyone else's music.

And. Here. We. Go.

1. Wilco, "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" -- A song so perfectly Wilconian that they named a tour documentary after it. Just a little bit off-key and off-kilter, this slow strummer from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot really is the band at its best. 8/10

2. Greenskeepers, "Lotion" -- Lordy, Lordy, I love this song. It's catchy as hell, but you'll hate yourself for singing along, since the entire tune is written from the perspective of Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs." The song is absolutely brilliant on its own, but the video -- which syncs the song up to actual clips from the film -- is pure genius. 10/10

3. Big Boi, "Kryptonite" -- This is a fairly mediocre offering from Mr. Antwan Patton, a song that suggests that if the long-rumored Outkast break-up ever does come to be, then Big Boi is destined to join Andrew Ridgley, John Oates, and Art Garfunkel in the annals of castaway sidemen. 5/10

4. The Gruesomes, "Way Down Below" -- Fairly decent bit of garage rock revival from the 1980s. They're not as good as the premier garage rock revival group, the Gories. But then again, they're not as bad as the other retro group of the 1980s, the Goonies. 6/10

5. Earth, Wind and Fire, "September" -- A great song, and usually the one song I can count on for rump-shaking inspiration at a wedding. But if Aunt Reba is shaking her considerably large groove thing at the same time, I suppose the song can't be all that cool. 7/10

6. Yo La Tengo, "Cherry Chapstick" -- Hoboken's finest deliver the goods here on a nice strummy bit of indie rock. I think the entire And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out CD is terrific, and this song is certainly no exception. 7/10

7. Archers of Loaf, "Might" -- Two minutes of stripped-down indie-rock love. Sweet. 8/10

8. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, "The Rest Will Follow" -- Not surprisingly, a band with the balls to use that as their name also throws a wall of sound at you too. Two drummers and what sounds like a half dozen guitars lead to a nice driving rocker. Solid stuff. 8/10

9. TV on the Radio, "Heroes" -- The original is probably my favorite Bowie song of all time, but this cover may be even better. Holy shit this is good. Do yourself a favor and go get this on iTunes. 10/10

10. The Guess Who, "Laughing" -- Aw, fuck. And I was doing so well. 3/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.2 average. Either I'm getting cooler as the summer heats up, or just getting much less judgmental. I prefer to think it's the former.

Let's see what you've got, folks. Drop your own Random Ten in the comments below, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Where Have You Been?

An in-law of mine forwards right-wing cartoons, emails, etc., about 5 times a day. Just recently there's been a lot of stuff about Michael Jackson, his funeral, and the sick society and MEDIA that loves it all, usually juxtaposed with the story of a war hero or recent fatality in Iraq or Afghanistan. They end with some variant of "Why isn't the MEDIA focused on soldiers dying instead of Michael Jackson???"

To which I say, where have you been? Us naive libruls have been saying for years that the media should cover the wars more. It was conservatives who approved of the ban on photographing soldier coffins, it was conservatives who went bonkers when Nightline had the temerity to read the names of those killed in the war (back when the list was short enough to read in a few hours).

And unemployment. Just about all of my conservative friends are insisting that the true unemployment rate is 16%, because the way unemployment is accounted leaves out various unemployed groups. However, back in 2004, they scoffed at the idea that the low-ish unemployment numbers missed anybody.

The deficit is out of control, say my conservos. Yes, the same people who supported two wars and two rounds of tax cuts.

I wonder what's next. Gay marriage?

Miss Republican

I'm as sick as anyone of the nonstop media circus that is Sarah Palin, but this piece from Andrew Sullivan on Palin and the larger state of the Republican Party is too good to pass up:

And this helps explain the broader problem with American conservatism right now. It is less a movement than an industry. From Fox News to talk radio to conservative publishing houses, it has created an alternate and lucrative media reality that is worth a fortune to those able to exploit it. Alas, these alternative media thrive on paranoia, hatred of liberal elites and growing extremist rhetoric made worse by a hermetically sealed echo chamber of true believers. Anyone criticised by the left or even by the establishment right is a martyr in this world. In America, martyrdom sells. And Palin is a product worth lots of money.

She wants some of it; and she has no actual interest in governing America (even though she’d love the title of president). She referred to giving up her “title” as governor, not her “office”. In this, she is the ultimate Republican of this degenerate moment: all culture war, no policy; all identity politics, no engagement with practical answers to difficult public problems; and all hysterical opposition to Barack Obama, no actual alternatives offered.

The whole thing is excellent. Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

"Let's see.... We need a name that communicates that we bring some lick-smacking soul in slightly doughlike bodies. How about ... "Juicy Fruit'?"

"Brilliant. Call the people at Casablanca Records and tell them we've struck gold. Gold, Jerry!"

Alright, let's bring the pain:

1. 2Pac and Talent, "Changes." Great song. Listening to it now, it's hard to decide what's more mind-blowing -- the fact that they made a riff from Bruce Fucking Hornsby into a great hiphop loop, or that the lyrics include lines like "And although it seems heaven sent / We ain't ready to see a black President"? Ah, 2Pac. If only you'd lived to see the Changes We Can Believe In. 10/10

2. Sacre, "Mad World" -- If you ever saw Donnie Darko, you'll recognize this song immediately. This was, I think, a Tears for Fears song originally, but this version is much better. Very haunting, very sparse, very Jake Gyllenhaalian. 8/10

3. Mountain, "Mississippi Queen" -- "Sometimes, I'm like yes, yes, yes, keep on rockin'! And other times I'm like no, no, no, don't stop rockin'!" 7/10

4. Paul Howard and His Cotton Pickers, "Drinking All My Troubles Away" -- This is off a terrific compilation of old country hits called "Hillbilly Boogie." A nice little number about a timeless alcoholic truth. 8/10

5. Dean Martin, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" -- Insert joke about Dean Martin and red noses here. 3/10

6. Ennio Morricone, "Money Orgy" -- This is from the soundtrack to a 1968 movie about a master thief called Diabolik. I've never seen it, but this glimpse of the scene with the song suggests it is one spicy-a meatball. 6/10

7. Louis Jordan, "Jordan for President" -- Jordan was called "King of the Jukebox" for a reason. This isn't one of my personal faves -- while "What's the Use in Getting Sober (When You're Gonna Get Drunk Again?)" is a classic -- but still a solid hit for the midcentury phenom. 7/10

8. Booker T. and the MGs, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" -- My wife likes Christmas music, what can I say? This is actually a pretty funky rendition. 7/10

9. Patton Oswalt, "Robert Evans" -- Normally, I skip past comedy bits here. But Feelin' Kinda Patton is one of the best comedy albums of all time, and this bit -- a long-winded ether-fueled routine about Hollywood movie producer Robert Evans, subject of the excellent The Kid Stays in the Picture -- is fanfuckingtastic. Attention must be paid. 10/10

10. Muddy Waters, "Evil" -- Hot damn. Easily my favorite bluesman, even though it's hard to believe his real name (McKinley Morganfield) seemed to be showier than his stage name. I could listen to the Chess box set all day long, and this is a terrific track. Especially since it's reminding me of how good Jeffrey Wright was as Waters in Cadillac Records. 8/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.4 on the day. Looks like I'm at three-quarters cool this week. Might be as good as I get.

Nailin' Palin

What Anonymous Liberal said.

Benched

Typically, when a political party is out of power and out of favor with the public, they look to their slate of state governors to find the leaders of the future. Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush all emerged from their governor's houses to take charge of their party and take control of the White House.

With that in mind, how are things looking for the current state of Republican governors? Coming out of the 2008 cycle, there were a number of contenders for the crown, largely drawn from McCain's list of prospective running mates. But less than a year later, they've all imploded spectacularly.


Most notably, of course, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin just shat all over damnherself and came rushing to the cameras to tell us about the delicious pudding she found. But she's not alone. Louisiana's Bobby Jindal crippled himself with the Kenneth the Page speech he gave at the start of the year, while South Carolina's Mark Sanford horndogged his chances away with the Argentinian telenovela.

There was a deep bench behind those erstwhile frontrunners, but they've been decimated too. Texas's Rick Perry got involved in wild-eyed secession talk and is now facing a tough re-election fight against Kay Bailey Hutchison. Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty has seen his stock plummet to nothingness as he became embroiled in the Coleman-Franken Senate fight. Nevada's Jim Gibbons makes Sanford and Palin look sane. California's Arnold Schwarzeneggar can't run for president, of course, but he was considered a bright star in the party, and now he's practically a pariah.

There were others out there -- the seemingly sane ones -- but they've largely been taken off the chess board. Utah's Jon Huntsman represented a real hope for a new direction in the party, but he just joined the Obama administration as ambassador to China, while Florida's Charlie Crist is eyeing the Senate seat there and sees no love from the conservative base.

So, who's left? Some former governors like Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, of course. But from the current crop, who's going to emerge? Idaho Governor Butch Otter?

The Fog of War

It must be clearance season for aging celebrities, because former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara just passed away at the spritely age of 93.

According to the official body count provided by McNamara’s heirs, there will be at least 600 people buried at his funeral.

Caption Contest

Do What Now?

From the train wreck of Sarah Palin:

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out.

Remember kids: Winners never always quit.