Embedded Reporter - Spam Truth or Lies

Spam. Who likes it? I know I don't. But about 7 months ago, I was looking through my spam folder wondering if some good mail was caught there. I was amazed by the amount of natural enhancement ads there were.

Now, "enhancement" has been an issue with men since we evolved from amebas. There is something core about size in our animal sexuality. Before spoken language, the size of the "ambassador" was a critical determination for who was king of the pack, the leader. The alpha male, if you will.

So, how are we to choose from products? What about surgery?

Well, you ask people how they got a big penis - you will get a million different answers. But I wanted the truth. I signed up.

Over the last seven months, I have taken pills 3 times a day, applied crèmes every night, and applied hormone patches. Throughout all this, I documented results, contacted manufactures to expose hoaxes, but remained focused to determine for my readers – who can you trust with enhancement spam offers.

Pills – Generally, pills contain some assortment of Ginseng, Fo-Ti, Gotu Kola, Saw Palmetto, Damiana, Menthol, and Yohimbe. They are advertised to increase stamina, promote blood flow, and add muscle mass (particularly below the equator). In general, a good rule of thumb with medicines is double the dose for double the effect. Apparently, tripling the dose of these pills (9 before each meal) has several adverse effects not documented by the quacks that offer these pills.

It turns out - side effects included dry mouth, abdominal cramps, uncontrollable and Hulk-like rage, and constipation. Mind you, it is possible that the month long constipation led directly to the uncontrollable rage – but manufactures were cautious to speculate without legal counsel present.

Patches – The patch method is more of a hormone treatment. One website offered a year's worth of patches but after 3 months, I wasn't seeing the results. So, I did what they teach you to do in business school. I thought "outside" the box. It turns out my wife's birth control method comes in a patch. And luckily, while visiting my mother in law, she had some additional Nicoderms as well and some, I don't know, but I think it was some menopause patches. Oh, and I took some orange looking pills cause they looked like they could help the constipation with their sheer size.

Surgery – I encountered a lot of "spin" when it came to surgery. My dentist seemed to think that spam drug treatments were placebos at best, health risks at worst. After repeat visits to the dentist to determine costs of procedures and options for length and girth, I became increasingly concerned that his insistence on using Novocain alone might not numb the pain enough. And that is one place you don't want pain.

Results? Well, since I was taking everything at one, I don't know what did the trick, but something wonderful did happen. They speak for themselves. After 7 months, I'm a different man. Overall, I'm more confident in meetings because I'm thinking, "Lady, if you only knew what I was packing, you'd agree with this income statement." I'm more comfortable in telling my wife what to do because she now serves me and the Ambassador.

Don't believe me? Here is me (do not click if under 18) before enhancement and after. Now who is da man!

Running Out the Clock

Well, this is depressing:

So rapid is the rise of the US national debt, that the last four digits of a giant digital signboard counting the moving total near New York's Times Square move in seemingly random increments as they struggle to keep pace.

The national debt clock, as it is known, is a big clock. A spot-check last week showed a readout of 8.3 trillion -- or more precisely 8,310,200,545,702 -- dollars ... and counting. But it's not big enough.

Sometime in the next two years, the total amount of US government borrowing is going to break through the 10-trillion-dollar mark and, lacking space for the extra digit such a figure would require, the clock is in danger of running itself into obsolescence.

I'm starting to wonder if Bush thinks about the national debt like it's the mileage on an old Plymouth. He thinks that if he can just run it up high enough, the odometer will roll over and he'll be back at zero.

Those are Perfectly Cromulent Words

Someone out there -- perhaps a hideously deformed shut-in, perhaps someone trapped beneath something heavy -- has taken the time to compile an authoritative list of the made-up words featured on "The Simpsons."

At the risk of succumbing to knowitallism, you should check it out. By my count, there are dickety-six, groin-grabbingly good words in this list that'll embiggen your vocabulary and impress Supernintendo Chalmers.

Friday Random Ten

Although the three people who read this site when we started it last summer will recognize this cover as a repeat from one of our very first FRTs, I thought I'd trot it out for the rest of you as atonement for the "Millie Jackson Incident" of last week's FRT.

While it's not at Millie's depths of depravity, this image is wrong for so many reasons. For starters, the phrase "Tijuana Picnic" seems like something that would be used to describe a sexual and/or scatalogical act that would be illegal in thirty-eight states, and not a wholesome family outing. But even if it really is a picnic in Tijuana, a.k.a. the Happiest Place on Earth™, then what in God's name is Colonel Sanders doing there? Man, I guess it's like the old saying goes: "What happens in Tijuana, stays in Tijuana."

Anyway, with this kind of musical inspiration, it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, set it on random, and spin the wheel, raggedy man! If you think you've got the stones, go ahead and include a Coolness Self-Audit. And then set aside a little quiet time for yourself. Go ahead. You deserve it.

1. Hot Chocolate, "Emma" -- A slow sultry number from the UK's greatest late '70s funk band. Yeah, that's not saying a whole lot, but this is a thing of cheesy beauty. (Hell, the lush lounge lizards of Urge Overkill covered the song and barely had to change a thing.) Sweet. 8/10

2. The Kinks, "Wicked Annabella" -- This isn't as catchy or light as some of the other songs on Village Preservation Society, such as "Picture Book" which has been used in a fairly cool HP Printer commercial. This song is, in fact, more than a little bit creepy. Eh. 4/10

3. Radiohead, "Palo Alto" -- Pretty solid work for a song that was cast off to an EP and a B-sides collection. The grungy guitars seem like a throwback to "Creep," but there's enough aural insanity thrown in there to make it fit with the late-era Radiohead. 7/10

4. Lauryn Hill, "Every Ghetto, Every City" -- Man, what the hell happened to her? This was a brilliant debut album, but she followed it up with a somewhat rambling Unplugged release and some half-hearted, where-are-they-now Fugees reunion stuff. Come back to the light, Lauryn. We miss you. 9/10

5. David Bowie, "Queen Bitch" -- Quite possibly my favorite Bowie song of all time. From the opening guitar riffs to the semipsychotic chorus, this one is everywhere you want to be, baby! 9/10

6. The Roots, "Don't Say Nuthin' (Remix)" -- This is a remix from the new Home Grown collection. The original never really did much for me, but this sparse and driving remix certainly makes it all better. 7/10

7. A Tribe Called Quest, "After Hours" -- I know this is blasphemy, but "After Hours" has always been my favorite tune off People's Instinctive Rhythms..., edging out such popular favorites as "Can I Kick It?" and "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo." It's just much smoother and cleaner, and points the way to their next, jazzier stage. And as the man says, "after hours, it was cool." Who am I to argue? 8/10

8. Luxxury, "There's Something Going On" -- I'm a sucker for cover songs of big hits, but this rendition of Frida's disco classic just doesn't do it. The group sounds like a Human League tribute band, one that needs to be told to limit it to six synthesizers or less, or else pack it in. Ugh. 2/10

9. Sly and the Family Stone, "Dance to the Medley" -- This is a 12-minute tour-de-funk by a band that was one of America's greatest contributions to the world, right up there with Silly Putty and the atomic bomb. They could've cut this up into three distinct and distinctly great songs, but kept it instead as a killer funk masterpiece. 10/10

10. MC Chris, "DQ Blizzard" -- While I have nothing but respect from the genius who brought us "Fett's Vette" and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force character of MC Pee Pants, this isn't his finest work. 5/10

Alright, that gives me a 6.9 average on the coolness scale. While the hipster in me is saddened to score so low, the fourteen-year-old in me is giggling at the number. Which should probably lower it even more. Dammit.

Let's see what you've got this week. Give us your own random ten, with or without the coolness self-audit. And please note, we've recently enabled anonymous comments for the site, so now you can be coolly anonymous, just like the Unknown Comic!

Blue Wave

Last month, we reported on the Survey USA state-by-state polls that revealed that President Bush had a positive approval number in just six states in the Union.

Well, the new numbers are out, and the picture's gotten even worse for C-Plus Augustus. Now, Bush is above 50% in just three states -- Utah, Wyoming, and Alabama -- and those numbers are 55%, 52%, and 51% respectively. Just check out the map to the right to get a sense of how bad things are looking for the president.

As I said last time, it's looking like Bush just may wind up uniting the country after all. For all our differences, we're all starting to agree on one important thing. He sucks as a president.

(Thanks to Kos for the link and the map.)

Let's All Go to the Lobby

Screenwriter and general funnyman John Rogers of Kung Fu Monkey has posted a new screed in which he offers a solution to one of the greatest threats to Western civilization: the decline of the movie theater experience:

Theater attendance down 9% ... what to do, what to do ... how, they wail, how do we get people to go back to the movie theaters? Digital tech, bigger seats -- what?

This sort of clueless shit just reinforces the obvious truth that the people who run movie theater chains don't actually see movies in movie theaters. Because I will tell you right now, right here, how to get people to go back to seeing movies in theaters. Without disruptive technology. Without theater upgrades. All for, oh, $4.65 an hour per screen.

I will now save your industry:

Hire. Fucking. USHERS.

It only gets better from there, and the comments are almost as good. Check out the whole thing.

Not to go off on a rambling, old coot, Grandpa Simpson rant about the good old days -- "the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time..." -- but theater ushers were for decades a vital part of keeping the piece in the movie theater. Armed with nothing more than a flashlight and a determination to keep 16-year-olds out of Basic Instinct, these red velvet warriors walked the thin carpeted line between the pleasant theater experience of yesteryear and the "Lord of the Flies"-themed camps for criminally retarded man-children that we suffer through today.

So let me echo the words of John Rogers, in a voice louder than any mid-movie cell phone call: "Hire. Fucking. USHERS."

And while you're at it, bring back the old "Let's All Go to the Lobby" concessions song. Malibu Stacy loves that.

Memories

Anyone else remember a few years ago when one of the world's major concerns was the preservation of the priceless knowledge contained within the historic sites of Iraq? Wonder how that's going.

Caption Contest

You know what to do. Bring it.

Overdue Liberian Gets Booked

Good news from Africa?

FREETOWN, Sierra Leone, March 29 - A day after his evident escape, Nigerian police arrested the former Liberian warlord and president Charles G. Taylor today as he tried to cross into Cameroon, according to Nigerian officials.

"The fact that Charles Taylor will be brought to justice in a court of law will help Liberia and is a signal, Mr. President, of your deep desire for there to be peace in your neighborhood," Mr. Bush told Mr. Obasanjo (Nigerian President) in the Oval Office.

This is a remarkable turn about from yesterday where Nigeria'sofficiall statement was "we never said we were in charge of the war criminal we offered haven to."

For those who can't get enough genocide in their news, this week's Frontline had an interesting piece called "The Men Who Got Away." Former Bosnian Serb President Radovan Karadzic and his top general Ratko Mladic -- are still at large; and no one (NATO, Serbs, Croats) is interested in trying to find them. The NATO head sounded a lot like Chief Wiggum defending his complete inability to uphold the law.

Interesting fact from the civilian carnage in Srebrenica - the UN camp was protected by Dutch UN Troops. When told to hand over the civilians, they did - without a shot fired. 7,000 men and boys were killed. Not to sound like everyone else criticizing the press, but shouldn't the UN failure have been a story - somewhere?

Altar Call

Guess who's coming to dinner?

LYNCHBURG, Va. — American military hero and Arizona Sen. John McCain will deliver the Commencement message at Liberty University on May 13, at 9:30 a.m., in the Liberty University Vines Center. In addition, renowned Christian conservative leader Gary Bauer will speak during the University’s baccalaureate service on May 12, at 7:00 p.m., in the main sanctuary of the Thomas Road Baptist Church. ....

While Sen. McCain and Liberty University Chancellor Jerry Falwell have had their share of political differences through the years, the two men share a common respect for each other and have become good friends in their efforts to preserve what they see as common values. This will mark his first ever appearance at Liberty University.

Boy, that's some nice How Would Jesus Spin there.

"Political differences?" Back in February 2000 when he was seeking the Republican nomination, McCain denounced Falwell -- along with his friend the hurricane mover and assassination enthusiast Pat Robertson -- as "agents of intolerance" on the religious right. Not only that, but he compared those two to Louis Farrakhan and Al Sharpton, which to conservatives is akin to comparing them to a gay communist pederast.

This wasn't an off-the-cuff slip. A few weeks later, McCain delivered a broadside to the divisiveness of the Religious Right: "The politics of division and slander are not our values," he said. "They are corrupting influences on religion and politics and those who practice them in the name of religion or in the name of the Republican Party or in the name of America shame our faith, our party and our country."

I was impressed by those words and thought McCain was a man of principle. Heck, I even crossed over to vote for the guy in the Republican primary because he seemed to possess a rare quality in the modern GOP -- sanity. But now that McCain is positioning himself for the GOP nomination, he's decided to flip-flop and cast his lot with the Mayberry Mullahs.

It's a craven political move, and one that should badly tarnish McCain's carefully crafted images as both a "maverick" and an independent. A maverick doesn't jump through the hoops in Falwell's fiefdom, and an independent doesn't give a stamp of support to the guiding forces of the party's theocratic wing. It's been coming for a while, I suppose. He's been spooning with Bush for years now and now it's time for him to start cuddling up to Falwell too. And, it seems, the elfin magic of Gary Bauer at the same time. Sweet!

The oddest thing about all this is that it seems like political suicide. The Religious Right has lots of other candidates they'll rally around this next election -- Brownback, Frist, Allen, etc. -- and they won't rush to McCain unless he first outflanks them elsewhere in the primaries and emerges as a front-runner. But if he's puckering up for Pat Robertson, his outsider image won't work, and he'll never get there. What gives?

(Thanks to Josh Marshall for the Liberty announcement.)

Update: I swear I hadn't seen this when I scribbled this post from my undisclosed location, but the excellent E. J. Dionne is sounding the same themes in his latest column:

it's a more dangerous strategy than it seems. McCain's central appeal, even to people who disagree with him, has always been his willingness to do the nonpolitical thing -- for example, to defend Kerry that day in 2004 simply because he thought the attacks on Kerry were wrong.

If McCain spends the next two years obviously positioning himself to win Republican primary votes, he will start to look like just another politician. Once lost, a maverick's image is hard to earn back.

Woohoo! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!

Bored George

Say what you will about the D.C. Democrats, but every now and then they get one right. Check out the DSCC's tongue-in-cheek smack at Republican Senator George Allen. Well played.

(Via Atrios.)

Wolverines!

According to the Washington Post's Conservative Blogger of the Week, Ben Domenech, the craptacular '80s flick Red Dawn was one of the greatest conservative movies of all time.

Unless Ben is a communist as well as a serial plagiarist, I'm assuming he'd agree that the absolute greatest conservative film was D.C. 9/11, the movie where President George W. Bush rips his shirt open, flexes his Pectorals-in-Chief, and screams "If some tinhorn terrorist wants me, tell him to come and get me!"

But I digress. Leaving aside D.C. 9/11 -- as well as its intriguing prequel D.C. Cab -- the campy flick Red Dawn stands as a conservative wet dream. And if you doubt its campiness, just click on the poster to the right here and take a closer, creepier look.

As anyone who's watched more than five minutes of late night HBO can tell you, Red Dawn is sort of a reimagining of the Cold War where the Soviet Union is brought to its knees by the Breakfast Club. (Implausible? Not when you realize that conservatives also believe that Ronald Reagan saying "Tear down this wall" was what really brought down the Berlin Wall. Apparently, we just had to ask!)

Anyway, if you're not familiar with the film, there's a hilarious review over at World O'Crap. And if you are familiar with it, feel free to use the comments to weigh in on the eternal debate over who delivered a finer acting performance in the film -- Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, or the truck radiator they pissed in. Hard to tell.

Correcting The Politically Correct

Question: When did being "politically correct" become synonymous with being "liberal" which had become synonymous with "Democrat"?

I don't have an answer for when it officially happened, but I think it occurred during the current Bush administration. If you listen to conservative political commentators, criticisms of political correctness seems to be often used as some kind of political spin / "Hail Mary" move. Education policy in shambles? Iraqi done broke? Russia passing out US military secrets? Well, Mexicans are flooding the borders. Oh, can I call them Mexicans? Or will that offend the establishment. You know - those elitists who are in control. Deaf to the world. Oh, of course, I have to call them "hearing impaired." Aren't they short sighted? I mean “vertically challenged” in their vision. (Chuckle and go to commercial.)

It falls nicely in line with the GOP party line that they support individual rights. And good for them; since God knows, they seem to f*ck everything else up.

Oddly, most Democrats I know are far from politically correct. They don't take themselves too seriously, make off-color jokes, and generally enjoy offending those who are looking to be offended. Of course, there are pockets of people within the Democratic Party who truly lose sleep over the issue (and I avoid them like the plague at fundraisers); but I notice that the GOP offers pockets of support just as dedicated to language and its need to be some kind of moral/ethical guide to the world. See outrage over content on TV; Ten Commandments in government; "In God We Trust"; forced Pledge of Allegiance in schools, etc.

Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword -- let's just remember both sides have people with too much time on their hands and the need to focus outrage outside of themselves for whatever reason. We shouldn't let some bad apples get in the way of actually (1) balancing the budget, (2) protecting Americans at home, and (3) ensuring our children will inherit a better America than we found it. (Fade to flag in the wind and cue music. Roll commercial for debt consolidation....)

Caption Contest

Too good to be true. Have at it.

Welfare States

Via Carpetbagger, the fiscal year 2004 federal tax burden report from the Tax Foundation is out. The map (click on it to see a larger image) shows how much federal money a state gets for each dollar it sends to Washington.

Next time Ted "baby made a boom boom" Stevens whines about not getting enough money for his various pet projects, I'm going to send him this map and tell him to cram it with walnuts, ugly.

(Yes, this post's main purpose is to push that Millie Jackson album cover down the page. Great googa mooga, Otto Man, the humanity!)

389 x 989 = A very large number

There have been many Thunderdome-style battles in the public school systems of Southeastern states seeing who can emerge the most Blaster-y. Arkansas seems to be racing to the bottom.

Teachers at his facility are forbidden to use the “e-word” (evolution)
with the kids. They are permitted to use the word “adaptation” but only to refer to a current characteristic of an organism, not as a product of evolutionary change via natural selection. They cannot even use the term “natural selection.” Bob feared that not being able to use evolutionary terms and ideas to answer his students’ questions would lead to reinforcement of their misconceptions.

But Bob’s personal issue was more specific, and the prohibition more insidious. In his words, “I am instructed NOT to use hard numbers when telling kids how old rocks are. I am supposed to say that these rocks are VERY VERY OLD ... but I am NOT to say that these rocks are thought to be about 300 million years old.”

Friday Random Ten

I've been holding back on using this album cover for a long, long while, but I can't hide its true awfulness any longer. I apologize if you're checking the blog over your lunch break.

Leaving aside the aesthetic appeal of watching Millie Jackson drop the kids off at the pool -- an action that may or may not wind up having Elvis-like consequences -- you've got to question the decision to come right out and refer to her own music as "the shit." I'm sure she meant it in the jive slang of "this is the shit!" but I'm wagering that most listeners would drop that "the" from that sentence when passing judgment on this craptacular album.

Speaking of the shit, it's time for another Friday Random Ten!

You all know the drill. Crank up your iTunes, set it to random, and give us the first ten songs that tumble out. If, like Millie Jackson, you'd like to give it your all, go ahead and throw in a Coolness Self Audit as well.

Here's mine:

1. Lee Dorsey, "Yes We Can Can" -- Incredibly funky '60s New Orleans soul from one of its lesser-known masters. A perfect creole blend of guitar, organ, horns and, if I'm not mistaken, cayenne seasoning. Plus, of course, Dorsey's infectious vocals. Excellent stuff. 9/10

2. Jurassic 5, "Twelve" -- A fairly decent track from Quality Control, but not exactly their best work in terms of either beats or rhymes. "One, two, Jurassic Crew / What we bout to do, brothers have no clue." Come on, boys. You're better than that. 6/10

3. Creation, "Making Time" -- Why yes, I do own the Rushmore soundtrack. Not exactly rare, but still some excellent British psychedelic prog rock. I believe this was their first and best single. 8/10

4. EPMD, "Crossover" -- For a hiphop group who framed most of their albums around a Stringer Bell-like business model -- Strictly Business, Unfinished Business, Business As Usual and Business Never Personal -- it's a little ironic to hear them talking here about other acts being sellouts looking just to the business side of things. Still, it's a great track and highlights Erick Sermon in his prime. 8/10

5. The Gourds, "Miss You" -- An encore track from their 3-CD live recording at the Bluegrass Inn in Nashvegas. Not as mind-blowingly brilliant as the other cover here (Snoop Dogg's "Gin 'n' Juice"), this is still an inventive one. The accordian intro makes you wish the Stones had done it that way too. 7/10

6. Loretta Lynn, "Out of My Head and Back in My Bed" -- Occasionally, Loretta Lynn veers into Lurleen Lumpkin territory, but this is a nice jaunty country number about stalking an ex-lover. Some nice classic country. 7/10

7. Slick Rick, "It's a Boy (Large Professor Remix)" -- Looks like it's Old School Day here at the FRT. This is a spare remix of a classic Slick Rick tune. With the music stripped down to a drum beat and a little bit of vibes, you get to bask in the beauty of Slick Rick's silky smooth rhymes. Very nice. 9/10

8. Milton Mapes, "Lonesome Town" -- I won't say this too often, so let me say it now. I like the Ricky Nelson version much better. 4/10

9. The Gruesomes, "Way Down Below" -- On first listen, this sounds like some undistinguished mid-'60s garage rock, but these guys were a short-lived group from the mid-'80s. Still undistinguished, though. 3/10

10. Nina Simone, "Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair (Jaffa Remix)" -- A very nice remix of the Nina Simone classic, courtesy of one of the excellent Verve Remixed CDs. It's hard to improve on the original, but this remix does it. 9/10

After a strong start, I managed to stumble badly at the end there. Still, that gives me a 7.0 average, yet another in a long string of mildly mediocre ratings on the Coolness Scale. I like to think of it as my own personal crusade to revive the noble tradition of the Gentleman's C. Or maybe I'm just lazy. You decide.

Alright, folks, let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without a Coolness Self-Audit as the mood may strike you.

Embedded Reporter - Baptist Church Pool Update #2

Any non-paid, under-qualified journalist like myself can tell you- you take risks to get the story the people need to hear. This story almost broke me. But with a powerful dose of last night's South Park, I can talk about "the incident."

Fans of LLPON.com know from previous reports, I am swimming among elderly Baptists in an attempt to control work related stress. Normally, things I see make me glad I'm nearsighted so everything is fuzzy in the pool. But I wasn't prepared for the locker room!

I entered the gym looking forward to a work out; when I got to the locker room a guy with a Dartmouth sweatshirt was having trouble with the pass code to open the door. I helped him with it and we walked in the locker room.

I looked up to see an elderly naked man sitting on the bench. Not a towel for miles. While this was disturbing, it was not as disturbing as his naked elderly friend standing next to him.

He wasn't just standing - he was actually straddling a floor fan like he was riding an imaginary bull. Apparently, he REALLY needed to dry his nut sack. There they were, like two vine ripened prunes swaying in the massive gust from the floor fan. And, he was standing on his tip toes - I know not why.

It was then that I noticed the breeze on my face from the fan. I quickly remembered biology class on skin cells and realized that, yup, that gentle breeze has an undeniable trace of old man sack.

Oh, apparently, I was interrupting because I got a look from both men that "how dare I stare / pervert" - but he still kept on standing over the fan for another minute or so.

As I found an empty locker on the far side of the fan, I commented to the guy that came in with me that I may require around the clock counseling to get over the event. He just sat on the bench rocking quietly.

Aliens: We're Here, We're Queer, Now Take Us To Your Leaders

Mrs. Thrillhous and I were doing our usual Metro commute this morning, when I spied the front page of some guy's Washington Post. (Yes, I'm the ass who's trying to grab some news for free, while you had to fork over a whopping $0.35 for it.)

Note to terrorists: dressing up like Spielberg aliens wearing French berets will not strike fear in the hearts of your enemies.

Love That God

Blogger and I were having some serious disagreements yesterday, so I didn't get to post on the Bible class in Georgia ye ol' Carpetbagger highlighted:

. . . The legislation, which passed 151-7, would allow high schools to form elective courses on the history and literature of the Old Testament and New Testament eras. The classes would focus on the law, morals, values and culture of the eras.

As the Carpetbagger notes, this sounds like a recipe for lawsuits from both church-state separatists and Bible literalists. This could be a shotgun waiting to go off in someone's face.

Still, I think it's a great idea. I think a problem with some of our more overzealous religious types is that they have gotten away from the Bible, meaning that they overemphasize some small parts and disregard big chunks, and I'm not talking about all that "begat" filler. Actually having to read entire chapters of books, if not entire books, of the Bible could be more educational than the legislators intend.

Obviously the focus would be on the religious and moral implications of the Bible, but the Bible is absolutely fascinating from a literary perspective. The Gospel of Mark happens to be my single all-time favorite piece of writing. Just gimme Mark and you can keep all of Paul's noise - not to mention the acid-flashback Revelations nonsense.