Theater attendance down 9% ... what to do, what to do ... how, they wail, how do we get people to go back to the movie theaters? Digital tech, bigger seats -- what?It only gets better from there, and the comments are almost as good. Check out the whole thing.
This sort of clueless shit just reinforces the obvious truth that the people who run movie theater chains don't actually see movies in movie theaters. Because I will tell you right now, right here, how to get people to go back to seeing movies in theaters. Without disruptive technology. Without theater upgrades. All for, oh, $4.65 an hour per screen.
I will now save your industry:
Hire. Fucking. USHERS.
Not to go off on a rambling, old coot, Grandpa Simpson rant about the good old days -- "the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time..." -- but theater ushers were for decades a vital part of keeping the piece in the movie theater. Armed with nothing more than a flashlight and a determination to keep 16-year-olds out of Basic Instinct, these red velvet warriors walked the thin carpeted line between the pleasant theater experience of yesteryear and the "Lord of the Flies"-themed camps for criminally retarded man-children that we suffer through today.
So let me echo the words of John Rogers, in a voice louder than any mid-movie cell phone call: "Hire. Fucking. USHERS."
And while you're at it, bring back the old "Let's All Go to the Lobby" concessions song. Malibu Stacy loves that.