After staying home with the baby for a couple months, I’ve learned a few things. None of this will be news to you parenting vets, but perhaps those of you who haven’t had kids yet can benefit from my experience.
Babies are to lazy social isolates what human shields are to bank robbers. There is nothing a baby can’t get you out of. Social functions, yard work, even church – praise Jeebus, babies can even get you out of church. You still have to go, but at the first peep from the baby you get to jump up and take the baby out of the sanctuary, leaving the suckers to suffer through the Nicene Creed and another sermon on chastity.
Take a baby into the grocery store and you’ll get all sorts of approving looks from women and even some men. Pick up a six pack of beer and the approving looks stop. Pick up a case of cheap domestic macrobrew and feel the cold judgment of a hundred shoppers. Even the cashiers treat you like a leper.
Aside from your wife and maybe the grandparents, nobody thinks it’s cute when your baby takes a huge dump. Nobody.
Just because you’re exhausted by the end of the day doesn’t mean you actually burned any calories. Like a bear preparing for hibernation, your body somehow captures and conserves every fat and sugar globule you eat. And “eat” is a very generous way of describing what you do to food while taking care of a baby. It’s more like what happens in the pie-eating contest in Stand By Me. You get as much food in your mouth as you can and just hope it ends up in the right place.
Photos and videos seem like a great idea, but they can be used against you in the court of motherly and grandmotherly disapproval. You take a picture of the kid being cute in her bouncer, and all grandma sees is that you failed to attach one of the 17 restraining latches. Videotape the baby rolling over for the first time, and all momma sees is that the baby is only six more rolls from leaving the mat and – gasp – touching the floor!
That's it for now. I'll report back as events warrant.