Well, elections have consequences, and the first one seems to be the delightful announcement that Donald Rumsfeld is finally being sent packing. Even though President Bush proclaimed his undying love for the man just a week ago and promised to keep him in office forever and ever, amen, the Decider has flip-flopped and shown him the door.We here at LLatPoN have a soft spot for Rummy, and would like to do everything in our power to help him find a new job. But what?
Maybe he'd be a nice Wal*Mart greeter, given his age and predilection for pointing. Plus, we all remember he gives a warm and hearty handshake to even the most unruly of customers. Sure, he'd probably want to drop napalm on the Housewares aisle, but can you blame him? Those lardass housewives are begging for it.
Maybe he'd be great writer of fiction. Given the intricate fantasy world he lives in, he'd sure be a natural for it. Of course the entire book would consist of rhetorical questions. "Did John walk down the street? Of course! Did he open the door to the bar slowly? Goodness, yes. Did he pull up a stool and order a beer? Certainly!" Not exactly Pulitzer material.
Or maybe, just maybe, he can put his love of torture and violence to good use and become a high-priced gigilo on the S&M circuit. Actually, on second thought, scratch that. If Rummy dressed up in leather, he'd look like this.
Let's help this good man out. Drop your own suggestions in the comments below.
7 comments:
First of all, A++ for snark.
The asking-the-questions fiction book was hysterical.
I think he'd make a great Professor, maybe of Philosophy. With his grasp of real-is-not-real; here-is-there; light-is-dark, he's a shoe-in for at least Zen Bhuddism. Or who was that contrarian philosopher (I either slept or drank through philosophy 101 in college)?
Good suggestion, Smitty. With his deep ruminations on The Unknown, he'd be perfect for that.
The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.
—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
(stolen from Slate)
"I am skilled with people and pursue perceived evil beyond the call. I am a self starter who has experience with high pressure negotiations, Microsoft office, and water boarding."
I hear the Death Star has an opening for Captain Needa's old position...
Maybe Rumsfeld could sell surplus arms and military equipment, QVC style, on a satellite channel beamed to select customers around the world, like Libya and Kazakhstan.
I like that idea, SWA. He'd be a great Ron Popeil.
"How much do you think this Abrams tank would cost you? $5 million? $3 million? $2 million? Well, as it turns out, we're giving this beautiful piece of assault technology away for just $999,999.99!"
Come on, the only question is, which corporation will employ the services of Rummy, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, or Halliburton?
The other question is, how many millions in payback will he get? 10, 20, 100?
Post a Comment