Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Worst. Films. Ever.

Here's a game that's been floating around the lefty side of the internet lately, much like the photo montage of President Bush trapped in his own Chinese finger prison: What ten movies do you absolutely hate, and why?

Here's mine:

10. Independence Day: This movie was such an abomination that I'm fairly certain it violated multiple parts of the Geneva Conventions' provisions against torture. It's like the producers had a bet going to see how many sci-fi cliches, how many factual errors, and how many horrible bits of acting they could cram into a single reel of film. When Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, and Randy Quaid are the stars of the film, you know it has issues.

9. The Other Sister: I'm cheating a little here, since this is the one movie on this list that I didn't actually see. But good Lord, the previews and ads were bad enough. This film was apparently hatched by a soulless, deep-tanned, pony-tailed Hollywood exec who was searching for something to fill a release spot and just said, "What the hell, let's make another movie about retarded people." On the bright side, this role did kill the career of Juliette Lewis.

8. Hudson Hawk: This movie really should've brought Bruce Willis's career to an end. Well, earlier than it did. Here's what passes for the plot: A wise-cracking cat burglar is kidnapped by a bizarre rich couple to steal some of Leonardo da Vinci's art from the Vatican and thereby set in motion a scheme for world domination, but he's thwarted by a sexy nun and some supposedly hilarious hijinks. The low point of the movie -- and that's saying a lot for a film that's well below sea level -- is the torture of Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello singing Bing Crosby's "Swingin' on a Star" as they pull off a heist. The film is billed as an action/adventure/comedy/musical and yet is somehow none of those things.

7. Batman & Robin: As a longtime fan of Batman, it was painful to watch the movie series deteriorate from the excellent original Tim Burton film to this flamboyantly gay farce put forth by Joel Schumacher. Everything about this flick was godawful, from the nipples-and-codpiece dayglo Batsuit to the casting of Arnold Schwarzeneggar as Mister Freeze. I hope Schumacher was deported for this.

6. Godzilla: I'm talking about the 1998 remake, not the original, which is kind of cool. This is the second Roland Emmerich film on the list, and in terms of its sheer laziness and lack of originality, it's somehow even worse than "Independence Day." The entire movie was lifted from other sources, from the rampage-through-New-York scene of "King Kong" to the monster-eggs-are-going-to-hatch scene of the "Alien" movies. Bad, bad, bad.

5. Forrest Gump: I hate this movie on so, so many levels. First of all, the simple-minded schmaltziness of lines like "Life is like a box of choklits" and "Stupid is as stupid does." What do those phrases even mean? Were the writers mentally handicapped as well? Second, and even worse, I hate this movie for the conservative fairy tale it became. Newt Gingrich praised this movie to high heaven when it came out, and it's easy to understand why. Forrest is a simple Southern boy who stays true to Momma, 'Bama football, and the Army throughout the 1960s and is all the better for not thinking too hard. Meanwhile, Jenny gets involved in the counterculture world of politics, feminism, and student rebellion and winds up consigned to a life in hell. Anyone involved in liberal movements is ridiculed, from the SDS leader who slaps the girl, the Black Power figures who leer on, to the antiwar activists who are simplistic morons. I'm surprised they didn't show Martin Luther King pistol-whipping a nun.

4. Patch Adams: Do I need to explain the reasons behind this choice to anyone? No? Good.

3. Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, you read that correctly. I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated. Maybe the visceral reaction came from the fact that good friends -- well, formerly good friends -- claimed it was "the funniest movie" they'd ever seen. Ever! Sorry, but this was just a lame-ass, no-plot, no-humor take on the world of high school loserdom, a topic that's been covered many times before and in much funnier ways.

2. Pearl Harbor: It took a great deal of restraint for me to place only one film by Ben Asslick on this list. But once I decided to place just one of his films here, this was the obvious choice. Horrid history, horrid errors, horrid acting, horrid everything. By the time the bombs started falling on Hawaii, I was rooting for the Japanese.

1. Happiness: This movie was a heartbreaker for me because it had a terrific cast (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dylan Baker, Ben Gazzara, etc.) in such shitty, painful, disturbing roles. What was less enjoyable? Watching Hoffman masturbate and then stick pictures to the wall, watching Baker rape his son's prepubescent friend, or listening to the hip Upper West Side audience titter amusingly at both scenes? I needed a shower after this one. Ugh.

Alright, that's my list. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, please feel free to add your own list of films you're thankful to never see again, or else take issue with the ones on my Hate List. Have at it.

23 comments:

Thrillhous said...

Definitely a great pre-turkey day post, Otto. Like Tokyo, I doubt I could get my list together before getting distracted by stupid reality. Here's some quick thoughts on what I hate.

Anything that's "smart" humor. "American Movie"; "Waiting for Guffman"; "Lost in Translation"; "Young Frankenstein".

Anything that ends with "3".

Pretty much all the James Bond movies.

Monty Python (exception: Life of Brian)

Anything that involves Tom Cruise running down the street with an intense look on his face. Which is all of them, except maybe Legend.

Anything with claymation (yes, I'm looking at you, Wallace and Grommet)

American remakes of Japanese movies. I guess that would include Godzilla, but I'm thinking of the recent Ring and Grudge movies in particular. Actually, I guess what I really hate is just remakes of great movies. If the original was great, you don't need to do it again. "Carrie"; "Psycho". What is this crap?

I'd like to say I hate Woody Allen movies, but I haven't actually been able to watch one for more than a minute or two. First of all, I can't figure out what the hell's going on. Second of all, all I can think of is "He's getting it on with his daughter. His daughter!!!" I know I should be over that by now, but here I am.

Most things Leo DiCaprio, especially Man in the Iron Mask.

Finally, let me reserve my deepest, basest, most undiluted, and most specific loathing for the Michael Mann film version of Last of the Mohicans. I hope you guys have some kind of hate screen built into your computer's firewall, because if not every circuit in your CPU is going to explode from binary rage overload right . . . about . . . 000011101010011100011010101000111!!!!!!

Mr Furious said...

A great post to kick off the weekend. I look forward to checking back on this.

Movies on your list I knew better than to see:

-The Other Sister
-Hudson Hawk
-Batman & Robin
-Patch Adams
-Pearl Harbor

I'll still have to ponder my list, but I will agree with you for the most part on the rest of 'em. they might not make mt Worst Ever, but they're in the shitpile.

Happiness—Ugh. The sperm sandwich? Jesus. This movie was a disturbed piece of shit. After seeing this film, the very sight of Tod Solendz over-bespectacled face would send me into a rage...

Independance Day and Pearl Harbor are both run-of-the-mill SFX crap. I looked forward to Godzila, for purely the CGI destruction that would be wrought, but the film rapidly became so fucking dumb it still pisses me off.

I can hardly remember exactly which things about Forrest Gump I objected to so strongly, but I remember walking out of the theater bent, and knowing my roommate, a guy who tried to be liberal but couldn't quite shake his Repub, upstate NY upbringing would think it was great. Tom Hanks' least-deserved Oscar.

Napolean Dynamite—Waaay overrated and being stoned is a prerequisite.

Quick contenders for MY list... The Red Dragon, Chuck & Buck, In the Company of Men, the last twenty minutes of Magnolia (you know to which I refer), the Bridget Fonda version of La Femme Nikita.

Mr Furious said...

Napolean Dynamite—Waaay overrated and being stoned is a prerequisite.

I wasn't.

Otto Man said...

Anything that's "smart" humor. "American Movie"; "Waiting for Guffman"; "Lost in Translation"; "Young Frankenstein".

I knew we'd have disagreements, but you've got to be kidding.

I can understand not liking "Lost in Translation," though I wouldn't classify it as humor, really. "American Movie" is another one I can accept, even if I find it hysterical. (iRod will be all up in your gril over that one, I can tell you.)

But "Guffman"? And, worse, "Young Frankenstein"? Those are hi-larious.

Mr Furious said...

Nah, I'm with thrilhous on "Guffman". Awful. And throw "A Mighty Wind" in there as well. I liked "Best In show", and, of course, "Spinal Tap'.

I definitely don't file "young Frankenstein" under "smart humor",

Noah said...

10) American Pie III. 3?!? ENough is enough. Everyone's lines and cath-phrases, especially Stiffler's, were finally overdone and canned. Laborious.

9) All the Rockys after III. Hasn't he been hit in the head enough? We sure had...

8) The Last Buffalo. Who's the Last Buffalo? Kevin Costner? God, I hope not. Looooong movie that inappropriately pandered to Indians and how white man was accepted into their fold, which he probably wouldn't have been. Long Hollywood cliche about how a clash of cultures really can find common ground. Zzzzz...

7) Speaking of Kevin Costner: Robin Hood. Look, man, everybody else in the movie tried to speak with a British accent to make it believable. Why not you? And he made Robinhood look like a boring, paltry snob with no leadership skills...and he was supposed to lead the "Merry Men?!?" Wow. Sooome party, dude.

6) I could make a whole list of just out of Kevin Costner movies, but I haven't seen them all. So I'll refrain from Water World...shudder. Anyway, # 6 is: Hidalgo. Talk about action-advernture cliche's....a race, bad weather, naturla disaster, a desert, a vicious badguy, a reluctant hero...you have the formula for sap! The 6-year-old Aunt Jemima in my fridge tastes better, for being no more than sap.

5) Sideways. Pretentious, overdone and pointless. I remember only small parts of my bachelor weekend, and it cerianly did not involve 1 friend and a weekend in wine country. Nice bachelor party....

4) Signs (and anything of his after that). 6th Sense totally took me by surprise. Didn't see it coming, kinda knew subconsciously, was totally floored. But then his little forula became....standrad and predictable; hence, formula. Snoozer...saw it coming...no surprises..overbilled.

3) First Knight. Wholly innaccurtae depiction of Arthurian legend...and not even a good interpretation at that. Cliche' love story set against a poorly-done, romanticized rendition of an oft-overly-romanticised theme. This is tied with the recent version of King Arthur, which again was so awful we left the theater. A BAD interpretation, no love story, just abrupt sex between Guinevere and Lancelot. The crowning moment was the arrow fired from about a half mile away into a full-foliaged tree to hit the bad guy hidden there in a moment of vondictive, crowd-pleasing justice that the snitch got his. GAAAA!!!

2) Tears of the Sun. No amount of awesome war special effects would save this Bruce Willis snoozer. Cliche' war movie, including tough commander with a hidden soft side and conscious of gold to help rescue people at the urgings of a military-hating, stubborn antagonist. Their worlds collide into love and respect. Mmmmbbbllleeuuch.

1) A Knight's Tale. Absolutely the height of dullard, unthinking campiness. They take modern songs and even modern-day lingo, pronunciations and slang, and set it during a highly innaccurate medieval festival. Jousting to AC/DC?!? Calling people dude?!? Hollywood panders to idiocy, creating a movie with comfortable themes and even comfortable language so nobody really had to think about anything in this film. Just watch and drool.

Noah said...

I must take issue with you, thrillhous...I love the Python. I have a box set of all 6 seasons of the Flying Circus on DVD. Laugh riot, I tell you.

Otto Man said...

Good point about the Robin Hood and King Arthur flicks, Smitty. Why does Hollywood insist on fucking those up? I didn't see "Knight's Tale," but the ads kept me far, far away from that one.

I can't believe the "Guffman" rebuffing.

Corky: "Why are you whispering? I'm right here."

Mayor: "There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes."

Ron: "I had to have penis reduction surgery."
Dr. Pearl: "Penis *reduction*?"
Sheila: "I said to him, 'Ron, you've gotta do something!' And he says to me, 'Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?'"

Corky St. Clair: "I was shopping for my wife Bonnie. I buy most of her clothes and Mrs Pearl was in the same shop! And it just was an accident you know, we started talking... about panty hose, she was saying... whatever that's not the point of the story but what the point is is that through this accidental meeting... it's like a Hitchcock movie you know where you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car, you find people. You find them. Something, is is it karma? Maybe. But we found him, that's the important thing. And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit."

It's comedy gold, Jerry! Gold!!

Mrs_Thrillhous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
grandpaboy said...

I had Gump at 10. "This movie was listed elsewhere, and how could it not be? There's so much to hate: glorification of crackers, AIDS as judgement on the non-Southern, Oscar winner, and the weak link in Hanks' Jordanesque domination of American cinema. And a crap rock soundtrack."

I'm jealous you put it higher than me. The rest of mine:
9. Speed
8. Alien
7. The Little Mermaid
6. All Adam Sandler movies
5. Seven
4. The Hulk
3. Goodfellas
2. Pocahontas
1. Oscar Winners

Studiodave said...

Adam Sandler's "The Longest Yard"

Easily the worst movie ever. Watched it on the plane to Vegas. 4 gin and tonics couldn't even save it....

Someone must have photos of Chris Rock at a Michael Jackson "sleepover."

Otto Man said...

Nice to see the Gump-hating is widespread.

And, yes, that remake of "Longest Yard" was atrocious. When Michael Irvin is one of the better actors in a film, it has major problems.

Yossarian said...

Okay, Guffman is one of the funnies movies EVAH!! wheh, glad that's settled.

Now on to the stinkers:

Anything with Keanu Reeves: The man has ONE emotion - confused. Wether he is fighting computers, falling in love or playing on a scab football team he always looks confused!!!!

Riding the Bus with My Sister: I know it's a TV movie, but so, so bad.

Bad Girls: Striking a blow for women's rights in the wild west with a story line that involves prostitutes, push-up bras and guns. What's not to hate?

The Punisher: The de-piercing scene was just too much for me.

Point of No Return: This american re-make of La Femme Nikita with Bridget Fonda is so bad it makes me sick.

City of Angels: Another American remake, the original Wings of Desire was beautiful and touching. City of Angels was 114 minutes of me wanting to punch Meg Ryan in the face

Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band: If having Steve Martin, George Burns, The Bee Gee's, Alice Cooper, and Sandy Farina (who the fuck is Sandy Farina?) singing your favorite Beatles song is your idea of a good time - well, there's a window, knock yourself out. The only good thing is The Earth, Wind and Fire cover of " Got To Get You Into My Life"

Otto Man said...

Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band: If having Steve Martin, George Burns, The Bee Gee's, Alice Cooper, and Sandy Farina (who the fuck is Sandy Farina?) singing your favorite Beatles song is your idea of a good time - well, there's a window, knock yourself out. The only good thing is The Earth, Wind and Fire cover of " Got To Get You Into My Life"

This movie is actually my second movie memory -- "Star Wars" was the first. My sisters took me to see it at the mall, and even as a wee child I knew it reeked. Third movie memory? "The Wiz."

In retrospect, it's amazing I love movies as much as I do given those formative experiences.

alex supertramp said...

ummmm not to monkey up the post turkey day bliss but.....they are MOVIES, they don't need to conform to historical accuracy (and the jousting scenes in a Knight's Tale were fun and rockin'), sure most pander to the lowest common denominator which everyone here is obviously far superior too in wit, intellect, charm AND good looks - but different people are drawn to different things. I think several of the flics mentioned are just lighthearted fun (Independence Day, Gump, A Knight's Tale, the Sandler flicks [okay, maybe not longest yard '05], Patch Adams, Napoleon Dynamite) --- most movies are a form of escapism so how many need to be historically accurate, or some revelatory plotline - movies of that sort have their own place, and for the record most of those are better if you are stoned as well (actually, name me any movie (docu, hollywood blockbuster or otherwise that isn't!). I'll agree there are an amazingly high number of plain shitty movies, but as noted even the more indie (Happiness is a prime example, or how about Gallo's brown bunny or VanSant's Gerry - okay, Gerry was actually alright in a I'm cooler than you'll ever be able to experience even though NOTHING is happening sort of way....) movies are shite as well - so is it the hollywood bigshots pandering to the lowest Bruckheimer explosions and effects with zero plot (and at this point we should reference most indie flics) and mediocre acting or just that moviemakers are lazy and not real bright or remotely creative or on the flip side to hipper than thou for their own good?

Otto Man said...

I'm just asking for logical accuracy. Which is especially important in escapism, because if it makes me stop and go, hey, that's wrong! then it's failed.

In Independence Day, I shouldn't see the Empire State Building sitting the middle of the road on the end of a major avenue because I know that's wrong and it kills my suspension of disbelief. Or if Pearl Harbor wants me to believe someone's in the middle of winter in England, he shouldn't be outside in short sleeves and sunglasses. Stuff like that just brings a film to a screeching halt.

The Doc said...

I'm surprised with the sampling of some of the films on other people's lists, as Hudson Hawk, Sideways, Young Frankenstein, and the films of Monty Python each have special places in my heart. (Also: Grandpaboy, you hate Alien? That's not right, man.)

However, as someone's least favourite movie is always somebody else's favourite, I won't put up too much fuss. Considering some of the movies on my list. In chronological order:

1. My Fair Lady (1964): Okay, this has a lot of good stuff in it: "On The Street Where You Live" is one of my favourite songs, and "Pygmalion" is a fantastic play. But most of the rest of the songs are horrible, the leads are lackluster (I don't normally hate Audrey Hepburn, but I want to kill her here), and they tacked a "happy ending" on to the end which ruins it. I know it's extremely well-loved, but I hate this movie.
2. Pretty Woman (1990): There is so much wrong with this movie, I don't know where to begin. First of all, I think that any movie that launched the career of Julia Roberts should be universally reviled just on general principle. This movie is also guilty of reinforcing unreasonable and unhealthy expectations of love, not to mention giving an unrealistic view of prostitution. If the most romantic part of a romantic comedy is when the prostitute finally lets her sugar daddy kiss her on the lips, then you have lost me.
3. Cool World (1992): This was hyped to me as Roger Rabbit on crack, but it's more like Roger Rabbit with the shakes on the street corner begging you for five bucks. Could have been so much better if the studio had left it alone, but unfortunately, much better would have only made it mediocre.
4. Son Of The Pink Panther (1993): I like the early Pink Panther films, when Peter Sellers had a good grasp on his character, but this franchise was slipping even before he died. Casting Begnini as Clouseau Jr. seemed like a good idea at the time: he was one of Italy's most famous comedians, and had huge international appeal. Unfortunately, if you have a script as shoddy as this, not even the great man himself could have salvaged it.
5. Frankenstein (1994): I think this movie was pitched thusly by some studio exec: "Hey, Dracula made us boatloads of cash, so let's make a movie with even MORE style and even LESS substance!" I do like parts of it, such as 5% of DeNiro's performance, and the fact that they kept it true(er) to the book than previous efforts. But the last thing I need to see is Kenneth Branagh chewing the scenery while shirtless and wrestling Robert Deniro in KY jelly.
6. The Doom Generation (1995): If you've seen this movie and it's not in your Top Ten bad movies...I don't know what to say to you. If you haven't seen it, for the love of god, don't.
7. Striptease (1996): My brother and I watched this because we felt we needed to watch bad movies in order to better appreciate good movies. We were wrong. This movie is about as enjoyable as watching squirrels eat paint chips and die of lead poisioning.
8. Buddy (1997): Rene Russo as a kindly old lady who loves animals so much that she dresses them up in human clothes and tries to teach them table manners. This would be a mediocre drama as depressing portrait of an insane woman. As a comedy, it's even worse.
9. Spawn (1997): This movie nearly destroyed Martin Sheen's career, and for that, it deserves to be obliterated from the collective unconscious.
10. Moulin Rouge! (2001): Sweet jebus, but I hate this movie. Bad singing, cartoonish acting, and what the hell is up with the pop songs, Baz? "Oh, I used pop music because I wanted the songs to resonate in the heart of every moviegoer, because I'm not a good enough writer to write genuinely moving lyrics." What a load of crap. It's too loud, too bright, and too obnoxious, all to make up for the fact that it's got no redeeming story qualities. I really wanted the movie to end with Satine being alive and content with the Duke while Christian sits alone in his apartment, being slowly driven insane by his inability to accept reality and his absynthe habit. At least it would have made the story tolerable.

Thrillhous said...

okay, I"m back from my turkey-related thanking, and StudioDave's mentioning of seeing a bad movie on a plane reminded me of a terrible, terrible movie I saw on a plane. "Hanging Up". Lisa Kudrow, Diane Keeton, and (I think) Meg Ryan are the daughters of an old and dying (and unfunnily cranky) Walter Mathou. I know I wasn't exactly the target audience for the film, but dammit that thing was bad.

peb said...

There are too many to mention, but I'd have to agree with the doc about The Doom Generation. I don't know why I wanted to see that movie but it was possibly the worst experience watching a movie I've ever had.

And while I agree Napoleon Dynamite is overrated, I don't think it comes close to being one of the worst movies ever. There are some funny bits in it. I also have to take issue with Thrillhous on Monty Python. If Monty Python and the Holy Grail is not in your list of top ten comedies, not only would I not be friends with you, I would seriously think about punching you in the face.

Otto Man said...

If Monty Python and the Holy Grail is not in your list of top ten comedies, not only would I not be friends with you, I would seriously think about punching you in the face.

Man, I wish Ebert and Not Siskel could have discussions like this. "Listen, fat man...."

Don't worry, Thrillhous. Pete is a man of thought, so he'd only think about punching you.

Mr Furious said...

I got your back, T'Hous. There is no Monte Python anywhere near my Top 10 either. And no punch in your face in going to change that!

--

By the way, what the fuck is up with this bullshit the type verification it is forcing on me right now...some pseudo goth font that is practically indecipherable. Time for the "bluff preview" to get a new code.

Much better.

ORF said...

Oh man, I am SO sorry I missed all this posting when it was going on. I was away for the holiday and thus, out of the loop. But I'ma gonna post now anyway.

But first, I have to express concern and pity towards those of you who found yourselves unable to laugh at Guffman, Napoleon, and most importantly, Monty Python. You poor, poor souls.

As for Forrest Gump, this movie holds a special dark place in my heart given that my name is Forest. I'll just say this: I have suffered. And unless anyone who reads this is named "Rudy," I guarantee you you will never know my pain.

Here is a movie that is NOT bad: Pootie Tang. Now that shit is funny.

Movies I HATE (in no particular order):
Magnolia
Punch Drunk Love
I Heart Huckabees
Scooby Doo
A Clockwork Orange
Karate Kid 3
The Perfect Storm
Weekend at Bernie's
Jerry MaGuire (tied with Punch Drunk...for worst movie EVER)
Anything with Antonio Banderas!
I didn't see them, but those Deuce Bigalow movies looked fairly awful, and in general, I'd say 95% of the movies that get spun off from SNL skits (which generally blow to begin with) are surefire trash.

Isaac Carmichael said...

Cinematography can save a bad movie, and make a good movie great. Napolean Dynamite has near brilliant cinematography, and is very cleanly cut and edited. Like The Big Lebowski, it's a movie that you can leave anywhere or pick up anywhere.

And Punch Drunk Love was good, so there.