Friday, February 02, 2007

The Lamest Eleven

The phine people over at Phat Phree have compiled a list of the lamest movie villains of all time. While some of the choices are debatable, it's a solid list on the whole.

For instance:
Martin Kove as John Kreese in Karate Kid I, II and III

We'll look past the ass-whooping you took at the beginning of Karate Kid II from the four-foot-three, eighty-year-old man who used to run Al's Diner on Happy Days. Everyone has an off day. But the bottom line is, you can't have a perm and expect people to fear you. Mercy is for the weak, but hot rollers are for straight up pussies.
Sweep the sarcasm, Johnny!

Check out the rest of the list, and feel free to nominate your own selections in the comments. If the stupider wingnuts out there think that just anyone can nominate drug-addled morons for the Nobel Peace Prize, then anyone can certainly put a name up for this particular dishonor.


Mike said...

Get that villain a body bag. Yeah!

norbizness said...

I think the lamest Bond villain ever, as much as it pains me to say it, was Yaphet Kotto as Mr. Big in Live and Let Die. I'm not sure what he was doing and why it necessitated the involvement of MI6, but let a playa play, Bond!

And if John Kreese is the lamest villain ever, and he's close, then the kid that shouts "Must be take a worm for a walk week!" is the lamest henchman.

Shane Rollins said...

I take great offense that our future ruler of the world, General Zod, is even mentioned on this list. Size matters not, hell Yoda is a bad ass and he merely comes up to Zod's knee.

If we want to talk lame talk Elektra King from The World Is Not Enough, and where the hell is Mr. Freeze?

Otto Man said...

It is sad that Yaphet Kotto drew such a lame role for a Bond villain. The '70s were apparently a slow time for international espionage. Still, he had Jane Seymour, so he must've been doing something right.

And yes, the inclusion of Zod is a mistake, one that even the Phat Phree pholks seem to understand. Hell, of the original Superman series, Zod is probably tied with Luthor for the best villain. He certainly outclasses whoever the hell it was that Robert Vaughn played in the third installment.

InanimateCarbonRod said...

I like the idea, but this list sucks.

Zod should not make this thing, no way. You don't think Zod is scary? Terence Stamp was scary at 60 in The Limey, and he couldn't even fly!

Yaphet Kotto might have been a lame Bond villain, but his Wonkaesque death more than made up for it.

I'm also a huge Face/Off fan. I think it's one of the 5 best action films of the 90s -- in large part to Travolta's performance. Broken Arrow was good, too. Travolta was kind of lame in that, but nowhere nearly as annoying as the girl. (Maybe that would be a good project: worst pasted-in female sidekicks in action films.)

And nobody effs with the Daleks. EXTERMINATE!

Otto Man said...

I knew the Dalek thing would get you and T'Hous in a snit. Sorry, but I have to agree. It's like getting chased by a slow, retarded British mailbox.

And as much as I love John Woo, the performances in Face/Off never did much for me. Cage was the better half, I think.

Yaphet Kotto might not be the worst Bond villain. The more I reflect on Christopher Walken in View to a Kill, the more I think he deserves the dishonor. He was a lesser man than Grace Jones, a psycho controlled by his weird master. He was all about horse racing -- gaaaaaaaaay -- and used a fucking blimp in his scheme. Really? A blimp? It's like Jules Verne wrote the screenplay.

Thrillhous said...

Wow, bagging on Walken and the Daleks? I'm not inviting you over for any more Magic the Gathering parties!!

I too think Zod is pretty bad-ass. And David Bowie in Labrynth was totally freaky. Hello, he's trying to sex up a 13-year old. That's villainous (unless you're a republican congressman, then it's expected).

Smitty said...

Billy Zane in The Mummy Returns. Billy Zane? Really?

Otto Man said...

Zane is pretty unbelievable no matter what -- good guy in The Phantom, bad guy in Titanic, actual human being anywhere....

norbizness said...

Not enough credit is given to Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) as a Bond villain. Sure he was involved in the campiest, Buck Rodgers-lookingest film ever, but holy shit the motherfucker was going to exterminate life on Earth with outer space nerve gas bombs and start over with a master race! That takes cojones!

Yossarian said...

Did EVERYONE forget that Richard Pryor was the bad guy in Superman III. Very very lame. Ganted he ended up in the good guy camp by the end of that two hour turd, but still he was a bad guy.

Mrs_Thrillhous said...

This list has too much of a sci-fi slant. Did anyone see Flowers in the Attic with Kristi Swanson? or read the book?

Some more lameness:
giant cockroaches in Mimic
the possessor in Fallen
spider thing in It
the alien in Signs
the giant asteroid in Deep Impact

And no more smack talk about Billy Zane! doesn't need to be a good actor.

Mr Furious said...

I don't even know what to say about General Zod being on that list.