Saturday, February 10, 2007

Transcript - Press Conference 2-10-07

(The following was recorded at the downtown Atlanta Hilton at 9 am EST. Please forward all press inquiries to the LLPON.com media relations department).

SD: Good morning. Thank you for coming out this morning. What I'm about to tell you has been difficult on both my family and myself. I take full responsibility for my actions and the consequences to follow. I have always considered myself a private person and I do not embrace the media spotlight.

(Drink of water) (Cameras flash)

SD: For the last 15 years, I have has sexual relations with Anna Nicole Smith. Due to my rebellious nature, I have always neglected to wear protection in bed.

(Hugs wife)

SD: Although the last time we had relations was approximately 13 months and 4 days ago, I was unaware until contacted by my DNA specialist / lawyer that she had a child. I know I am the father. I am now ready to accept responsibility for my actions and any legal or financial responsibilities which may follow.

(Deep breath)

SD: Those who may *think* they know me and would make wild allegations like I have never mentioned this before, I have never slept with anyone one than my wife, or that this is a pathetic stab at $85 million dollars. I apologize for leading this double life of sex with Playboy playmates and getting overall "jiggy with it".

It is my hope this won't come to a paternity test and thus keep it out of the media's harsh and judging spotlight. I would, in fact, refuse one for the sheer moral offense it would do to my character.

I will not take any questions at this times.

(Steps back). (IRod steps up to the microphone).

PRESS: You lived with SD out of college. Can you vouch for his whereabouts in the early 90's?

IR: Yo, I stand by my man SD. He and I used to kick it at the Playboy mansion. It was a time of our lives we weren't proud of.

(Behind the curtain)

IR's Wife: WHAT? You guys sat in a basement apartment for 4 years drinking malt liquor and playing Sega Hockey.

IR: (To wife) Now's not a good time. Listen, we all make mistakes. SD has lived the fast lane and must now pay the consequences.

PRESS: Mr. Rod, what is your occupation?

IR: SD has retained me as his for hire drinking buddy and spokesperson.

PRESS: Is money the root of this whole circus?

IR: This circus as you call it is SD's life. You have no right to judge. You people think money is everything and you make me sick. Good day.

PRESS: But IRod!

IR: I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU!

9 comments:

Otto Man said...

PRESS: You lived with SD out of college.

I'm pretty sure they meant to say "STDs."

But iRod, way to stand by your man. You're like Al Cowling, but without the white Ford Bronco.

Jennifer said...

Too funny!

Thrillhous said...

Are you saying you're not gay, StudioDave? I thought you were. Or maybe you said you're Canadian. Whatever.

alex_supertramp said...

candian - gay, same same, and irod got the STDs from the floor of the apt he shared with studioD, while they were sitting around all day doing nothing, cashing monster checks....mmmm malt liquor......

alex_supertramp said...

DOH! -- i got candy-assed and canadian confused again, such an easy mistake....plus I'm really lazy and don't spell good

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