Monday, December 26, 2005

Best of 2005 - Websites


As the media companies are all on vacation and rolling out their "Best and Worst of 2005", I figured we could steal the "creative crutch" as well for favorite (new) website. The website doesn't have to be new, you just need to have found it in 2005.

As for mine, I must warn you; this website is whole heartedly inappropriate, unprofessional, and fairly disturbing; but it is so American, so amateurish, and reflects so much care by the owner - it made my "best of."

How did I find it? Long story - searching for "Flashlight"- the ringtone; the Google ad words showed "Fleshlight" and more intriguing "Fleshlight Accessories." My mind could guess what a "Fleshlight" on the internet was; but what "accessories" could go with it? I had to find out. The rest is history.

A man had a dream:
"Someone should build a line of sex toys that is powered externally by something everybody already has like rechargeable cordless electric screwdrivers and drills" I told her. The sex industry is, of course, huge and I simply expected to see such products emerge. Years passed, and still only junk.
In the spring of 2003, while watching the level-wind system on a Penn fishing reel move back and forth to distribute the line evenly, the epiphany struck. I suddenly
knew how to build it. I made some drawings and went to the garage to start prototyping. Within two months we had proof of concept. It would take another 16
months with engineers, manufacturers, lawyers, accountants, insurers, bankers,
and bucket-loads of money to bring PricelessTM to you.
He built his dream - in China, of course.

When we started building the machine in China, we had to tell the factory workers what it was they were building. The factory owners started calling Priceless the "Zou ai ji". This means "make love machine" and is pronounced "Zoe Eye Gee". This resulted in some confused expressions. It turns out "ji" is also the word for chicken. Context didn't seem to help either. "Make love chicken" seems no less likely an interpretation for the Chinese than "Make love machine".

Everything went well once we convinced them we were not promoting any form of bestiality. We wanted to build the machine in Long Dong province but alas, there wasn't a Long Dong province. So we settled on second best. Here are a few snaps of the machine being manufactured in Dong Guan City, Guang Dong.

But remember: safety first!

DO NOT USE PRICELESS WHILE DRIVING.
Do not use Priceless with broken or damaged components. All parts should be smooth, free of burs and abrasions, and without sharp edges. Verify this immediately upon receiving your package and before each use.
Use only battery-powered devices with Priceless. Do not use corded screwdrivers or drills where danger of electrical shock can exist.
Do not use Priceless with any power source capable of exceeding 550 RPM. A clutch in the gearbox will release and prevent excess power from reaching the other operating components, but you can damage that drive mechanism if you routinely overpower the machine. The machine was designed for use with cordless electric screwdrivers that operate between 180 and 400 RPM.
WARNING - DO NOT ATTACH PRICELESS TO YOUR DRILL PRESS, LATHE, WEED-WACKER, LAWN MOWER OR ANY OTHER POWERFUL EQUIPMENT SUCH AS THE POWER-TAKEOFF ON YOUR TRACTOR.
WARNING - DO NOT TOUCH OR ALLOW ANYTHING TO INTERFERE WITH OR GET CAUGHT IN THE DRIVE MECHANISM OR OTHER MOVING COMPONENTS OF THE POWER SOURCE.
If your power source has a torque limiting adjustment, you should adjust it such that it releases at about 9 or 10 inch/pounds.
Use is restricted to hand-held operation. Do not attempt to fix Priceless rigidly to any other object. Do not place this product between a mattress and box-spring or use in any manner that would prevent it from being quickly withdrawn from close bodily contact.
When using Priceless with the Fleshlight, assure that the edges of the Fleshlight's plastic case are smooth, free of burs or rough spots, and that no sharp edges are present.
When used with a dong or phallus in the female configuration, use only soft, flexible devices. Do not attempt to affix any rigid phallic device to the machine.
Do not share sexual devices that come in intimate bodily contact with other users. To do so puts you at risk of being exposed to a sexually transmitted disease. In theory this precaution would not apply to Priceless itself, but only to the devices attached to it. Nevertheless, we caution you not to share use of Priceless with anyone with whom you would not feel comfortable having un-protected sex.
Maintain good personal hygiene.
Make sure Priceless is clean and dry before you store it. In most instances,
removing the extension from the shuttle and washing it, the vent, the stand-off
tubes, and the comfort ring in warm water will be adequate. In some cases, you
may wish to clean the entire product. Remove the power source you are using and
feel free to place the entire product in the dishwasher. Be certain to turn off
heated drying if you do use the dishwasher.
Use the lubricant recommended by the manufacturer of the device you are using with Priceless on both that device and your genitals. Adequate amounts of lubricant will likely be in excess of that required when operating the same device by hand. You may also need to add lubricant during the course of a session. It is vitally important that proper lubrication be maintained throughout the session.
Do not use this product while you are driving or operating heavy equipment.

So, enjoy: www.toysinmotion.com

8 comments:

Yossarian said...

You forgot to mention that it makes the perfect stocking "stuffer". - Ha

S.W. Anderson said...

Another probing post, surveying the ins and outs of life in modern America, or at least one nitty-gritty aspect of it.

Yossarian said...

The gift that keeps on giving

Studiodave said...

"We could't get the smile off his face for several hours."

Studiodave said...

Also, the name of the product seems part Gollum's ring and part creepy dude from "Silence of the Lambs"

Thrillhous said...

kinda mesmerizing, isn't it?

Otto Man said...

I finally watched the promotional video. Man, I would've loved to have heard that woman's call from her agent. "It's an infomercial for what?"

Studiodave said...

I would be more interested in being the legal advisor. "Seriously, weed wackers? Well, I guess we need to tell them not to then..."