For far too long, they've been lurking above us, launching cheap prescription drugs across our borders and sending us wave after wave of brilliant comedic talent. I, for one, have had enough.
And it looks like I'm not the only one. As the Washington Post reveals, the government has had a plan for invading Canada on the books since the 1930s:
It's a 94-page document called "Joint Army and Navy Basic War Plan -- Red," with the word SECRET stamped on the cover. It's a bold plan, a bodacious plan, a step-by-step plan to invade, seize and annex our neighbor to the north. It goes like this:Let this be a warning to our neighbors to the north: Our president is clearly batshit crazy, and he's just one whisper from God away from launching an all-out assault on the Great White North.
First, we send a joint Army-Navy overseas force to capture the port city of Halifax, cutting the Canadians off from their British allies.
Then we seize Canadian power plants near Niagara Falls, so they freeze in the dark.
Then the U.S. Army invades on three fronts -- marching from Vermont to take Montreal and Quebec, charging out of North Dakota to grab the railroad center at Winnipeg, and storming out of the Midwest to capture the strategic nickel mines of Ontario.
Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy seizes the Great Lakes and blockades Canada's Atlantic and Pacific ports.
At that point, it's only a matter of time before we bring these Molson-swigging, maple-mongering Zamboni drivers to their knees! Or, as the official planners wrote, stating their objective in bold capital letters: "ULTIMATELY TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL."
Bush isn't really one for "war plans," though, so I doubt we'd see him follow this well-researched script for the Canadian invasion. Instead, he'd probably focus on raiding the Blue Jays roster and securing the Labatt's breweries.
And, of course, rounding up all the Frenchies in Quebec. You know they're on his list.