It brings me joy to announce that one of the LLPON editors (T'House) will be a father in the near future. While there are any number of sources of good and quality advice (Bill Cosby's "Fatherhood", Paul Riser's "Parenthood", John Singleton's "Boys in the Hood", and Katherine Hepburn's "Me"), I figured I'd ask the larger community for their insights on raising children. Note : Cliches and snappy Sinbadesque material is to be mercilessly mocked - we are looking for the truth.(1) You will be poor. Like Sally Struthers recording outside your doorstep poor.
(2) You will get fat. Forget the women - they get attention and understanding. But thanks to the sense of pending doom (mostly caused by poverty) when your very pregnant wife orders one of everything from the menu - something deep down will tell you to finish it all. It's like how I imagine bears feel before the winter; or how Dick Cheney feels around innocence - consume at all costs.
(3) This is not about you. You thought the whole wedding thing stole your thunder. Man, get ready to be assigned to that "Ensign #4 on the away team" status. Unless, of course, there is the discussion of fixing something in the house, killing a spider, or the kid has been a major league pain in the butt - and you're home from work.
(4) You miss cussing. Embarrassingly, you will now think "I have to T.T."
(5) Burping outloud in your own house will be rebellious. Just like farting on a wooden pew in church, people will now look like you have done something wrong.
(6) Pornography will require more security than the CDC. Back of the sock drawer? Too simple. Under the mattress? Please. I will have you know the "Da Vinci Code" took pointers from me for hiding sacred artifacts.
(7) Other people's kids. Now that you have kids and the fact you go to sleep at 9:30, your fun / single kids no longer return your calls. You can only talk to people "of your kind." You will have to listen to stories where other dads tell you how tough their boys are, but you look away when your girl pushes the boy down and he screams like a woman.
(8) You will get dumb. I now sound like Carl from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" when asking my kids why did they ... draw with permanent marker on my car, pour bleach on the carpet, throw flour around the kitchen because they want to pretend its snowing, put grass clippings in my glove compartment, open the bathroom door while I'm going #2.
Miracle of life.
8 comments:
(9) You will get cheesy. "Awww" moments...the ones you always made fun of your friends-with-kids for doing...will be your most common form of entertainment. Cheesy pictures, cheesy movies, cheesy cheesiness. That's you now, man.
Soon enough you will learn something remarkable about gravity known only to parents of toddlers. Physicists and physiologists will tell you your remarkable fact isn't possible. You will know better and all parents will back you up.
A child who's OK with being held becomes one pound heavier every five minutes he or she is being held by a parent standing in line somewhere.
However, a child who doesn't want to be held becomes two and a half pounds heavier every five minutes he or she is being held by a parent standing in line somewhere.
Hilarious and depressing, all at once. Uhh, thanks?
The cheesy thing is already happening. We took a baby class over the weekend, and we were having "awww" moments with our freakin' rubber baby doll.
Me no like this gravity thing, SWA. I'm going to have to work out some kind of hydraulic lift system. I'm sure the wife will approve.
SWA is right. My son is 16 months old. When he wants to be put down, he makes this diving sort of reach-towards-the-ground thing. He immediately goes from 25 pounds to nearly 103. I can easily handle 103...when I'm ready for it. But to go from 25 to 103 in less than 1 second is a bit much.
I think the Democrats need to enlist toddlers in the nexrt antiwar march. The cops would never be able to clear the streets.
1. Breastfeed as long as possible...it's free!
2. Yes. And Yes. I gained some weight right along with my wife during the first pregnancy. I managed to get back down, but it is happening again this time, and I'm now 38. I'm not confident about a comeback.
3. That, and I now sleep in the guest room with the dog.
4. They are listening even when you never suspect it, and they will always recite back what they've heard at an inopportune time. One time my wife was at my parents house ahead of me, and I was flying in later that evening. At dinner, when asked if she was excited to see me, my daughter declared I was "a douchebag" in front of one and all, and my wife was left embarrassed beyond all comprehension. My father, "What did she say?" My wife, "She said what you think she said..." My dad, again, "Douchebag??"
Then there's the road rage comprehension...leading directly to my daughter calling the dog a "fucking asshole."
It's funny for a while, and it's a struggle not to laugh, but eventually you have to explain to a three-year-old why she shouldn't start every statement with, "Jesus Christ..."
5. Bah. I'll worry about that stuff later. Burps and farts are still fair game.
6. Luckily I quit that stuff long ago. Unfortunately even otherwise quality publications like Esquire and GQ have been pushed to the soft-core brink of "I have that to read the articles" status. None of that stuff is in my house any more.
7. I lucked out that among my circle I was last on board and we all had our first kid within an 18 month window. All in the same boat...
8. Maybe not dumb, but I have developed a terminal case of ADD.
Ah, what the hell, yeah, I'm dumb now, and can't remember a goddamn thing.
And you're late for everything.
6. Luckily I quit that stuff long ago.
They can have StudioDave's porn when they pry it from his cold dead hands!
Later you can look forward to being blinded with rage using phrases like "night night" and "poo poo."
Post a Comment