Friday Random Ten

Nothing quite embodies the wild world of Dixieland jazz like a group of geriatric, white Shriners at a funeral.

Look at them. The liveliest one of the bunch is the dude in the coffin. The rest exude the kind of excitement and joy you'd only see in a urologist's waiting room. (Please insert your own "eight balls" joke here.)

I'd always thought jazz was all about free flowing music and improvisation, but these guys look about as spontaneous as the Nixon Library. Mr. Magoo on the left can't even find the photographer, so how's he supposed to find the rhythm? Welcome to Squaresville, baby. Population: You.

Anyway, the appearance of the mighty mighty Eight Balls can only mean that once again it's time for the Friday Random Ten. You know the drill, so let's do this thing.

Here's mine:

1. Hank Williams, "No No Joe" -- A great little bit of Cold War country, this is Williams' ode to Joseph Stalin. "The Kaiser tried it and Hitler tried it / Mussolini tried it, too / Now they're all sittin' around a fire and did you know something? / They're saving a place for you." Man, I bet Stalin cried like a Trotskyite when he heard that part. 7/10

2. The Flaming Lips, "Pilot Can at the Queer of God" -- I have absolutely no idea what this song's about, and I say that having read the lyrics. Whatever. It's still a nice chunky rocker. 8/10

3. Fishbone, "Subliminal Fascism" -- Once upon a time, these guys seemed to be at the forefront of a great fusion of punk rock, funk, and hiphop, with a sharp political edge. Of course, once upon a time, the Commodore 64 seemed to be at the forefront of home computing, too. 3/10

4. Wolf Parade, "Shine a Light" -- I just scored tickets to see these guys in concert and I am, as the kids say, psyched. Apologies to the Queen Mary is an amazing debut album, and they're supposed to be absofuckinglutely phenomenal live. Here's hoping. 8/10

5. Elvis Presley, "It's Now or Never" -- I have a soft spot for the cheesier songs in the King's repertoire, and this one certainly qualifies, what with the mariachi sounds and the "Five Neat Guys" making an appearance on backing vocals. Still, I suppose this isn't even remotely cool. 2/10

6. Curtis Mayfield, "We People Who Are Darker Than Blue" -- I pretty much love everything Curtis Mayfield ever recorded, but this is a bit of a sprawling Black Power anthem, moving through soul lyrics to congo drums to funk groove to a harp interlude (?) and back again. Not great, but I refuse to give Mayfield anything less than a 5/10.

7. De La Soul, "I. C. Y'All" -- A pretty solid collaboration with Busta Rhymes from Art Official Intelligence. This song has more bottom end than Louie Anderson. Oh, that's right. I went there. 8/10

8. Parliament, "Flash Light" -- The gold standard of funk. I made this my cellphone's ring tone last summer, and ever since, I haven't been able to hear the original without wanting to check the caller I.D. 7/10

9. João Gilberto, "Falsa Baiana" -- A nice bit of classic bossa nova from one of the masters. I may not understand a single word, but my body is still always possessed by the power of Latin rhythms. 6/10

10. Stereolab, "The Seeming and the Meaning" -- One of the most inventive and unique bands around, here with one of my favorites, a tune from the Peng! album. Scorching and sweet at the same time, this is Stereolab at its finest. 10/10

Alright, that gives me an underwhelming 6.4 on the coolness scale. It seems that I, as part of the MTV Generation, really can feel neither highs nor lows. What's that feel like? Eh.

Let's see what you've got. Break out your iPod (or steal a friend's), give us the first ten songs that pop up, and, if you damn well feel like it, throw in a Coolness Self-Audit as well.

Is This The End of Zombie Cheney?

This morning, New York Times columnist Bob Herbert issued a call for Dick Cheney to resign.

While I'd love to see Cheney hounded from office and forced to reprise his film career as the Penguin, I'm not sure this would be a great development for the Democrats. The Republican-led Congress has shown a considerable amount of leeway in letting Bush pick his own appointments to the Cabinet and the Supreme Court, and you've got to think they'd let him appoint whoever he wanted here -- Barney, Harriet Miers, the Rock ....

As Tristero notes over at Digby's place, Bush could use the VP vacancy to anoint an heir apparent. Perhaps an administration insider like Condi Rice, or perhaps a Dubya clone like George Allen. (That possibility seems even more likely when you realize that Allen's re-election to the Senate is now in jeopardy, with James Webb in the race and Allen's support below 50%.) The new VP would become a frontrunner, and help avoid a prolonged primary fight on the Republican side. The Democrats would be in disarray, meanwhile, and unable to stand against the momentum.

Actually, I think such a scenario would cause more headaches for the Republicans than the Democrats. For one thing, picking a contender for the vacant VP spot would make the GOP consensus in Congress disappear, as rival camps in the Republican Party jockeyed for position. If the contender were installed, this pressure would only get worse. All the other Republican candidates would need to run against the administration, and that would likely lead the new VP to do likewise.

This is all speculation, of course. They'll only get the vice presidency away from Cheney when they pry it from his cold, dead hands.

But let's speculate anyway. Should Cheney resign? What would the impact be? Who would replace him? And who would the new VP shoot?

Discuss.

So, Honey, How was Work?

I gave at the office.

Spotsylvania County Sheriff Howard Smith said he stands by the practice of allowing detectives to receive sexual services in the course of their investigations so they can catch suspects in the act.

Court documents show that four times last month, county detectives allowed women at a massage parlor to perform sex acts on them. In one case, a lawman left a $350 tip. Smith acknowledged the practice is not new.

Why Don't I Drink out of the Toilet Bowl, Then?

If the current administration's war on science continues apace, we will have to rely on schoolchildren to tell us what is and isn't safe.

Next time you order the jumboburger of your choice, think about washing it down with a tasty beverage from the nearest bathroom.

Jasmine said: "I found that 70% of the time, the ice from the fast food restaurant's contain more bacteria than the fast food restaurant's toilet water."

Ten Ways to Meet Your Maker

You've been warned, America.

Thanks to the comments over at Balloon Juice for the image.

Blackout

Now that we're in the brave new world where a majority of Americans think the president is dishonest and incompetent, I'm left wondering how things might have turned out differently if Americans had realized these things a couple years ago.

To be sure, there are some major events like the invasion of Iraq (a.k.a. Operation Awesome Kickass™) that probably never would've gained traction if people hadn't assumed their leaders were telling it to them straight. And the tax cuts might have gone differently, but I think the American people's willingness to be bribed -- "I get a check for $300! That's all I needs to hear!" -- would've pushed that through no matter how obvious it was that Bush was selling snake-oil.

But I'm thinking more and more about an event that's completely disappeared down the memory hole -- the 2003 blackout.

Anyone else remember that? The largest blackout in North American history? It affected a quarter of the country, sending over 50 million Americans and some 10 million Canadians into darkness, and cost businesses about $6 billion dollars in losses. Remember now?

Obviously, a key factor in our nation's collective blackout about the blackout was the timing of it all. Because it happened almost exactly at the peak of public support for the war in Iraq, the media was wrapped up in its embedded love affair with the administration. When reporters gazed lovingly in the administration's sweet, sultry eyes, they could see no wrong.

To be sure, there were plenty of question marks that the media just let go. Republicans initially blamed Canada, but it turned out to be a problem in Ohio. And when the structural problems behind the blackout first became known, there was little outrage at the federal regulators responsible for keeping an eye on things. We should've seen an investigation into FERC along the lines of what we're seeing with FEMA these days, but the agency got a free pass.

And in a larger sense, when you have an administration that's in bed with energy companies, especially the one that actually caused rolling blackouts in California, doesn't it make sense to probe a little? Maybe see if the complete collapse of a quarter of this nation's electrical grid was in any way the result of this administration letting its energy buddies police themselves?

None of these issues were really asked in a serious and persistent way. Once the power was restored, the media and the public pretty much let the matter drop. I can't imagine that the outcome would've been the same if the blackout had come later, especially if it had come in the wake of Katrina. The media would've pressed to know why it happened, why they shifted the blame, and, most important, what this revealed about the Bush-Cheney connections to the Enron crowd. They would've, you know, done their job.

The Cult of Personality

We're a little late to the game with this one, but Glenn Greenwald has an absolutely brilliant post up about Bush backers, true conservatives, and the wide chasm between them.

As Glenn notes, the dead-enders who are still sticking by Bush as his poll numbers hover around freezing are not true conservatives, but rather part of an authoritarian cult that's betraying some of the principles of conservatism. Go check out the irrational Bush hatred love for yourself.

Go now. We'll wait.

Update: Apparently, Glenn Greenwald doesn't sleep and instead devotes his full attention to kicking ass. While you're over at his site, be sure to read his smackdown of Glenn Reynolds. Daaaaaamn.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, his spokeswoman said Sunday.

Harry Whittington, 78, was "alert and doing fine" after Cheney sprayed him with shotgun pellets on Saturday while the two were hunting at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas, said property owner Katharine Armstrong.

It's not often that you get a metaphor gift like this. Enjoy.

Update: Courtesy of Pandagon, I'm happy to present this inside scoop about the true identity of the man Cheney shot: Scooter Libby.

Little Brother

Remember the story about George Deutsch, the 24-year-old Texas A&M dropout who was overriding veteran NASA scientists and making them alter their findings and reports to fit the administration's politics?

Well, it turns out he wasn't alone.

James E. Hansen, the NASA climate scientist who sparked an uproar last month by accusing the Bush administration of keeping scientific information from reaching the public, said Friday that officials at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration are also muzzling researchers who study global warming.

Hansen, speaking in a panel discussion about science and the environment before a packed audience at the New School university, said that while he hopes his own agency will soon adopt a more open policy, NOAA insists on having "a minder" monitor its scientists when they discuss their findings with journalists.

To quote the late great Jim Nabors, "Surprise, surprise."

Tim from Balloon Juice has been all over this stupidity, so I'll let him have the final word:

For your own entertainment, draw two boxes on a white piece of paper. In the left-hand box write down all the countries from the last 100 years which insisted that academics and other citizens only speak to the press when attended by ‘minders.’ The US goes in that box. In the right-hand box write down all of the countries that let academics speak freely, including unrestricted access to international meetings. Use Google if you must.

Done? Now tell me whether you’re comfortable with the kind of company that we keep. Thus endeth the exercise.

(Hat tip to the Propaganda Remix Project for the image.)

The Shroud of Turin

Tonight marks the start of the Winter Olympics in Torino. Personally, I'm having a hard time staying focused. Every time a news anchor mentions the word "Torino," I keep thinking of David Starsky's smooth ride or else the landmark "Torino with no wheels" from National Lampoon's Vacation.

I've never really cared about the Winter Olympics. Sure, we all tune in hoping to see a ski jumper go horribly awry and wind up as the new "agony of defeat" guy or, at the very least, a collection of wacky fish-out-of-water Jamaican bobsledders.

However, as we all know, that never happens. Instead of excitement, we get to watch grown men dressed in skin-tight lycra -- cue Ned Flanders -- bound together on a cafeteria tray, hurtling down an icy chute. Or we get the biathlon, where athletes manage to turn skiing and shooting guns -- a combination that worked incredibly well in several Bond films -- into a tedious chore.

And when the action isn't disappointing the viewers, they're being subjected to endless, weepy "Lifetime for Women" vignettes about the athletes. Sheesh. Cry me a river, then let it freeze and go curling on it. Sweep! Sweep like you've never swept before!

The opening ceremonies -- which take place tonight! -- may be the only thing more boring than the actual sporting events. The media kids have been hyping this all week long, but it's a pretty hard sell. "Will the Latvian luge squad be wearing new parkas this year? And what about the bitter fashion rivalry between the Norwegian and Finnish ice dancing teams? There's a fashion stormfront moving in, Katie, and I forecast a 100% chance of fun!" It's like the pre-game show at the Golden Globes, except instead of Scarlett Johansson and friends, we get to see twelve-year-old skaters and arthritic hockey players bundled up in their finest winter layers. It's like hanging out in the parking lot outside a practice rink.

Luckily, for those of you who aren't middle-aged housewives, there's a nice alternative on TV tonight. In an attempt to end the painful breakup as quickly as possible, the idiots at Fox are dumping the final four episodes of "Arrested Development" on the air tonight at 8pm Eastern. They've been getting better and better ever since they realized they had nothing to lose, and tonight's shows should ramp it up even more.

Executive Privilege

I thought I'd better post this now, while the right wing is temporarily supporting edgy editorial cartoons. Who knows how long that window will be open?

Stolen shamelessly from Freedom Camp, where it was stolen shamelessly from somewhere else. Dirty, thieving liberals. They have no shame.

Friday Random Ten

This week's featured album was apparently the result of some Dadaist art collective, pulling random words out of a hat ("... circus ... polka ... clown ... duck ...") to produce the cover art, and then doing the same with the song titles. How else can you explain titles like "Slap Happy Polka" and "Meet the Missus Polka"?

On second thought, the lead-off songs on side two might give a clue to their creative process: "Green Grass Polka" followed by "Dark Cloud Polka." I think we're going to need a urine sample from Chuckles the Clown. Upon closer inspection, that might not be make-up after all.

Anyway.

The disturbing appearance of the clown from Stephen King's It and the Aflac duck can only mean that it's time for another exciting installment of the Friday Random Ten. You know what to do -- set the iPod to random, and give us the first ten songs that surface. And, if you're feeling competitive, toss in a Coolness Self-Audit, too.

Here's mine:

1. Johnny Cash, "The Ballad of Ira Hayes" -- A Columbia era song-story about one of the four soldiers who raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. The story of what happened to those soldiers after their moment in the sun is a tragic one (soon to be a major motion picture, by the way) but the story of Hayes, a Pima Indian, is perhaps the saddest. Cash's song reveals a lot about his liberal sympathies, but it's not much of a tune. 3/10

2. Blondie, "Hanging on the Telephone" -- Classic. What more can I say? 8/10

3. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Blues Explosion Attack" -- This is a collaboration with Calvin Johnson and, once again, I'm let down. This is pretty much Spencer shouting street-corner insanity over a snare drum. Pfft. 2/10

4. Radiohead, "Rhinestone Cowboy (live)" -- A nice gem of a cover from the B-Sides collection. It's hard to do a lot when your inspiration is schlock, but you've got to admire Thom Yorke for going after Glen Campbell and doing it with a straight face. 6/10

5. Shirley Horn, "Return to Paradise (Mark DeClive-Lowe Remix)" -- This is a fairly innocuous remixing of Horn's original jazz tune, the kind of thing you'd find on a Buddha Bar CD compilation. Nice, but not spectacular. 6/10

6. Southern Culture on the Skids, "Mexy-Melt" -- These folks don't normally do the whole surf guitar thing, but you'd never know from this tune. Guitarist Rick Miller is absofuckinglutely on fire here with some angry, unrelenting riffs. 9/10

7. Rocket from the Crypt, "UFO>UFO>UFO" -- Speaking of angry and unrelenting, here's some in-your-grill post-punk from San Diego. I liked "Sturdy Wrists," but this is the kind of screaming cacophony that my father would've referred to as "narcotic music." Bleh. 1/10

8. Ray Charles, "I Got a Woman" -- How's that for an awkward transition? Straightforward Atlantic-era Charles, this is a good song that I can't hear anymore without thinking of Kanye West's "Gold Digger," and, moreover, the "George Bush Doesn't Care about Black People" remix by Legendary K.O. 6/10

9. Sonic Youth, "Ca Plane Pour Moi" -- An interesting cover of the early '80s pseudohit by Belgium's own Plastic Bertrand. The French lyrics seem fun, until you translate them and realize he's singing lines like "Wham! Bam! my cat Splash lies on my bed with his tongue puffed out by drinking all my whisky." Very deep, Felicity. Thanks for sharing. 7/10

10. Jurassic 5, "Break" -- I was in Austin last spring for a wedding the same time that J5 was in town to play a show at Stubbs. Tragically, the show was the same night as the rehearsal dinner, so we couldn't go. Even worse, a friend managed to chat up Charlie Tuna in our hotel lobby just five minutes before I walked in. Stupid timing. Great song. 9/10

That gives me a pathetic 5.7 average. Since I've burned all of our permanent records, I can't say for sure that that's the lowest score I've ever gotten, but it would have to be close.

I know you folks can do better than that. Give us your own Random Ten, with or without your own Coolness Self-Audit, and with or without your own condolences on my incredible uncoolness.

Thwarting an All-Star Team of European Terrorists

U.S. President George W. Bush disclosed new details on Thursday of a thwarted al Qaeda plot to use shoe bombs to hijack a plane and fly it into a Los Angeles building, as he sought to justify his tactics in fighting terrorism.

Hmmm. Hijacking a plane with shoe bombs? And using it to destroy a building in L.A.?

Sounds like Bush has been jumbling together his memories of Richard Reid and the 9/11 attacks with some late-night viewings of Die Hard on the Superstation. I guess we'll have the proof when he signs off a speech with "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!"

Just Following Orders

Well, this is an interesting development in the Plame investigation:

Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby, testified to a federal grand jury that he had been "authorized" by Cheney and other White House "superiors" in the summer of 2003 to disclose classified information to journalists to defend the Bush administration's use of prewar intelligence in making the case to go to war with Iraq, according to attorneys familiar with the matter, and to court records.

... Libby also indicated what he will offer as a broad defense during his upcoming criminal trial: that Vice President Cheney and other senior Bush administration officials had earlier encouraged and authorized him to share classified information with journalists to build public support for going to war. Later, after the war began in 2003, Cheney authorized Libby to release additional classified information, including details of the NIE, to defend the administration's use of prewar intelligence in making the case for war.

I'm sure in the minds of White House officials, this statement that Libby had secured approval from his masters in the executive branch -- which, as they like to remind us, is the most equal of the three branches of government -- means that he has a bulletproof defense. As long as his Dark Lord Cheney stamped the wax with his royal signet, what more authority could he need?

Now, I'm not a lawyer and, worse, I don't even play one on TV. But I have a hunch that the Vice President of the United States does not have the authority to declassify National Intelligence Estimates on his own, or leak government secrets to selected reporters, just because he thinks it might help out with the public relations campaign. If Libby is going to insist that Cheney told him to break the law, that seems to be less an exoneration of Libby and more an implication of Cheney.

Kos has called this the Oliver North Defense. Me, I'm reminded of the argument made in defense of another patriot.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest.

As we all know, the Hanky Clutching Brigade has succeeded in making Coretta Scott King's funeral this week's outrage. I haven't seen this many panties in a wad since I last visited a Victoria's Secret. (Which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.)

Anyway, since they want to talk about this moment, let's get creative. Have at 'em.

Former Navy Boss Webb to VA Beach Bum Allen: Surf's Up

I could swear he declined to run just last week, but James Webb has decided to run against VA Sen. George "That's not a noose hanging in my office, that's a freedom loop" Allen as a democrat.

Webb, who was secretary of the Navy under Republican President Ronald Reagan, resigned in protest of cutbacks in the Navy fleet. He has been a strong critic of the war in Iraq, saying that the Bush administration has never developed an exit strategy. Webb is a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy and served in the Marines in the Vietnam War.

There's already some business guy in the dem side of the race, but methinks Webb will be the man. The fact that Webb is a decorated military man means he will come in for some severe swiftboating, but I feel a lot better about our chances in November with him in the running.

(Thanks to the always informative Carpetbagger Report for highlighting the story)

In Memoriam

As Digby reports, the conservative complaints about the "politicization" of Coretta Scott King's funeral have already begun.

Kate O'Beirne, a shrill harpy whose publishing record suggests she has no business lecturing anyone about civility, made an appearance on "Hardball" today to clutch her hanky and lecture the King family about how they should celebrate their mother's life. I'm sure the Kings would love to get advice from a National Review contributor like Kate O'Beirne. After all, back when Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King were risking their lives to advance the cause of civil rights in the South, it was the National Review that had the courage to come out and ask:

whether the White community in the South is entitled to take such measures as are necessary to prevail, politically and culturally, in areas in which it does not predominate numerically? The sobering answer is Yes--the White community is so entitled because, for the time being, it is the advanced race.

Clearly, the National Review has been on the Kings' side for fifty years, and the family should heed their words now.

Anyway, as we all learned during the Paul Wellstone funeral, conservatives love to lecture liberals on how our heroes (and their opponents) should be remembered. Personally, I think it makes sense when honoring someone who sacrificed all their life for a political cause to mention that cause. (And I seem to remember maybe one or two references to the nuts and bolts of the Reagan Revolution during the weeklong national mourning of Ronald Reagan.)

Given the GOP playbook, I'm sure we're going to hear more along these lines in the coming days. Apparently, this comment is going to get a lot of play:

The Rev. Joseph Lowery, who co-founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference with Martin Luther King Jr., drew a roaring standing ovation when he said: “For war, billions more, but no more for the poor” — a takeoff on a line from a Stevie Wonder song. The comment drew head shakes from Bush and his father as they sat behind the pulpit.

All Americans who don't get their history from Bill O'Reilly will remember that Martin Luther King Jr. offered virtually the same criticism of the Vietnam War, noting that the cost of America's overseas adventure was undercutting the Great Society programs meant to help the poor.

While MLK didn't take this stance until 1967, his wife had already taken a public stance against the war in 1965 and had been pushing him to do likewise for years. After his death, she became even more outspoken in her opposition to the war. (The photo here, incidentally, comes from a speech she gave at an antiwar rally in 1970.)

Given her passionate involvement in the antiwar politics of the Vietnam era, it's not surprising that Coretta Scott King continued her activism in our own time. Although you won't hear it mentioned much in the news, she spoke out early and often against the war in Iraq:

On the eve of the invasion of Iraq in 2003, Mrs. King celebrated the anniversary of birth of her late husband, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., by recalling that the slain civil rights leader had been outspoken in his opposition to unnecessary and unwise wars.

"We commemorate Martin Luther King Jr. as a great champion of peace who warned us that war was a poor chisel for carving out a peaceful tomorrow. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means. Martin said, 'True peace is not just the absence of tension, it is the presence of justice,'" Mrs. King told a crowd that had gathered at Atlanta's Ebenezer Baptist Church. She continued, "May his challenge and his example guide and inspire us to seek peaceful alternatives to a war with Iraq and military conflict in the Middle East."

Coretta Scott King devoted her life to taking strong, principled stands against what she regarded as unncessary and costly wars -- first Vietnam and, later, Iraq. Through her own speeches and the work of the King Center, she's been a leading figure in the peace movement for the past forty years. And importantly, she framed her continued involvement in antiwar activism as a way to honor and remember her husband's legacy. Why shouldn't her family and friends be allowed to do the same for her memory?

President Bush invoked the name of Coretta Scott King at the start of his highly political State of the Union address, calling her "a beloved, graceful, courageous woman who called America to its founding ideals and carried on a noble dream." At her memorial service, however, he seemed put off that anyone would dare provide details of her courageous activism, or remind us what ideals she and her husband considered worth fighting and dying for.

If we as a nation are going to memorialize Coretta Scott King, let's be sure to get the memory right.

Update: If you want more evidence of how the eulogies to CSK were exactly the kind of thing the Kings would have done, check out this excellent compilation of politically charged comments made by MLK at several funerals of civil rights activists and similar comments made by eulogists at his own funeral.

Plame Game

This is all over the internets, but be sure to check out John Dickerson's Slate article for the latest word in the Plame Game. Good stuff.

Rex Banner

Meet the new mascot for the Department of Homeland Security.

While many people assumed that the striking resemblance of DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff to the Muppets' Sam the Eagle would make the bald eagle an obvious choice for the DHS mascot, the good people there decided instead to go with a different animal. So say hello to Rex the Mountain Lion.

Rex, as you'll notice, is a perfect symbol for this administration's approach to homeland security. He's dressed in military garb and posturing like a tough guy, and his name evokes the royal aspirations of this crowd. But beneath all the posturing, you can see he's just a big pussy.

(Hat tip to Dependable Renegade.)

The Moron Twins*

Although I love slapstick comedy, I sadly wasn't able to watch the "Yes, We Have No Dictators" song and dance routine from Attorney General Alberto Gonzales this afternoon.

But I've had the pleasure of looking over some of his statements, and it's clear just how much he has in common with our president omniscient and wise leader, King George the Awesomest.

At times, Gonzales echoed the president's tried-and-true method of talking to his critics as though they're severely retarded six-year-olds:

"Our enemy is listening," he said. "I cannot help but wonder if they aren't shaking their heads in amazement at the thought that anyone would imperil such a sensitive program by leaking its existence in the first place."

That's right, Timmy. Old Osama didn't even dream that we were using this new-fangled "eavesdropping" technology -- until some sad sack Democrats and Al Qaeda lovers let the secret slip. Let's hope they don't spill the beans about our new "aeroplane" either.

But at other times, Gonzales shifted gear, and spoke to the senators as though they were only mildly-retarded eight-year-olds:

President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale.

If the first statement didn't make it obvious, this one sure did -- President Bush wrote this speech himself. The logic is bad enough, but the grasp of American history is even worse.

First of all, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that perhaps Presidents Washington and Lincoln didn't do electronic anything while they were in office. Second, in his fuller statement, Gonzales smirkingly invoked General Washington's interception of British communications. Hmmm. Didn't that come during the Revolution and before the Constitution? (The Constitution? You know, the guiding legal document of this country? The one you're in charge of?) And third, if you think anything electronic was done on a wider scale in the Victrola era of Woodrow Wilson or the radio days of FDR than it can be now with all of our internets and such, you're insane.

This is the best they've got? Take One: "The terrorists are so relentless and diabolical that we have to destroy our Constitution to stop them, but at the same time, they're so stupid and lazy that they didn't think we'd be eavesdropping." Take Two: "We didn't break the law because other presidents broke it first, even though it hadn't been passed yet."

Right. Again, I sleep the sleep of angels knowing these functional illiterates are in charge.

(* They're not really twins.)

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest.

Our photo is, as always, shamelessly stolen from Dependable Renegade. She's looking to get a million hits before her first blogiversary, so go take a look.

But do that later. First, try to give this photo of Action Rumsfeld a caption. Remember: You go to sarcasm with the photos you have, not the photos you'd like to have.

It's a Real Base Irony, But It's Still a Hoot

So someone makes a crude stereotype that Muslims are intolerant and violent. How would one react to this? With intolerance and violence, of course.

Yes, I know that it's verboten to draw images of Mohammad and all, but I find it hard to work up much sympathy for the whole "death to anyone who insults my religion" attitude.

What's next? Riots when someone implies the Bible isn't the literal word of God? Smashed windows if one questions the divinity of the Dailai Lama? Widespread looting if someone says the Pope wears a funny hat?

I don't want to dismiss anyone's religious beliefs. I know the issue is complicated and all.

I guess I should not be surprised, however, by the Bush administration's position. When forced to choose between freedoms protected by our Bill of Rights and a bunch of religious extremists, one guess who they side with:

Inserting itself into a dispute that has become a lightning rod for anti-European sentiment across the Muslim world, the United States sided with Muslims outraged that the publications put press freedom over respect for religion.

"These cartoons are indeed offensive to the belief of Muslims," State Department spokesman Kurtis Cooper said in answer to a question.

"We all fully recognize and respect freedom of the press and expression but it must be coupled with press responsibility. Inciting religious or ethnic hatreds in this manner is not acceptable."

I don't think it too far of a leap for them to apply the same logic to a cartoon depicting Jesus decrying the injustice of tax cuts for the wealthy or for starting an unprovoked war.

The world sure has changed since Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses unleashed the fatwas. The death sentence for an author writing a book was fodder for late night TV jokes. Now such anti-humanist attitudes are endorsed by the U.S. government.

Stupor Bowl

As TBogg and Alicublog have both pointed out, the twits over at the National Review Online's aptly-named Corner have overwhelmingly picked the Pittsburgh Steelers to win this weekend's Super Bowl.

Not surprisingly, they've sided with the Steelers not because of any opinions they might have about the team's offense, defense, coaching, etc., but because of the fossilized worldview from the culture wars:

William J. Bennett: Super Bowl? Who am I for?! Seattle is the home of Starbucks, and 38 kinds of designer coffee. Pittsburgh's best sandwich shop serves a huge sub with French fries and gravy inside the sandwich. Who do you think I'm for?

Denis Boyles: I'll sit in Kansas, eating BBQ and wishing for a Penn Pilsner, but happy and certain that the Steelers will completely overwhelm the Starbucks or whatever that team from the capital of soggy self-righteousness is called.

E. D. Hill: After watching my Tom-Brady-idolizing boys start wearing Big Ben jerseys under their shirts to school, I have to go with the Steelers to win 28-21. Scientific, huh?

Now, compare the reasons conservatives use to the ones used at the liberal TAPPED:

Matt Yglesias: With a hurt ankle, Troy Polamalu isn't going to be his usual beastly self on the defensive end. Fullback Dan Kreider plays an underestimated role in the Steeler offense and he, too, will be playing hurt if at all. Last but by no means least, the fact that Pittsburgh is favored at this point largely reflects the statistical naiveté of MSM sports commentary. Yes, Ben Roethlisberger has been awesome so far this postseason. But that's actually the problem. The Steelers' success has relied on Big Ben playing way over his head. If he had turned in an average-for-him performance in any of their three playoff games, they would have lost. And even the best players have below-average games fifty percent of the time. We'll probably see some regression toward the mean, and with it a Seahawks victory.

DJ Francis: The “Stillers,” as they are pronounced, will indeed triumph on Sunday. Led by Big Ben, they will take a commanding lead right from the start, not letting that other team catch their breath. Polamalu will smother the offense like fries on a Primanti Brother’s sandwich. Randle El will wear down the defense and the Bus will simply run over them. And there’s no better figurehead than Coach Cowher. A true bad ass with a chin that could crush small children, he is sure to be covered in Gatorade before that last whistle blows.

Hmmm. Let's compare and contrast.

The conservatives base their argument on tired Red State vs. Blue State cliches from the culture wars. (Tired and inaccurate cliches, I should say, since the heartland heroes that the NRO folks are assuming are part of their world are actually hard-core Democrats. Allegheny County voted 57% for Kerry and Gore in the last two elections.) The liberals, on the other hand, base their argument on an understanding of the game, the teams and the individual players; the histories of each team; and their current state of health.

Hmmm. Conservatives trusting their ill-informed gut. Liberals relying on facts and information. Sounds about right.

As a lifelong Chiefs fan, I don't have a dog in this fight. And on the merits, I'm torn. I think the Seahawks passing game is woefully underrated, and both Holmgren and Hasselbeck know that this is a make-or-break year for the 'Hawks. With Shaun Alexander's contract up for renewal this year, they're either going to lose him or lose some of the supporting talent. The Steelers, meanwhile, are a bit overhyped on offense (Big Ben and Bigger Bettis, especially), though they have amazing talent on defense. This is going to be a close one, but I think the Seahawks will win.

Liar.

As we all know, the media has a chronic inability to call Bush out when he makes a bold-faced lie. They always seem to dance around it. This statement is "technically incorrect," that one is "somewhat misleading," and, of course, "some Democrats disagree" with the president's claims that clouds are made of cotton candy and the oceans are filled with nothing more than cold, crisp Budweiser beer.

But his April 2004 statement that all wiretaps on terrorists were done with warrants, well, that's a flat-out lie. Even by the president's current pathetic defense of the illegal wiretapping program, that's a flat-out lie. So what are the odds the media will describe it as a flat-out lie?

Crooks and Liars has the video. If the Democrats had any sense, they'd talk about this lie nonstop and get this clip running every thirty minutes on the cable news outlets.

Update: I see from C&L that Dan Froomkin is making the same point. Good for him.

Update 2.0: And now I see from Atrios that Eric Alterman is on this too, with an excellent column for the Nation. Must be something in the water.

Update the Third: Sorry to keep adding onto this, but the links keep on coming. I just found an even better video clip at PageOneQ. It has more of the C&L piece, including a prelude where Bush shrugs and says he doesn't understand the law and the audience actually applauds him for his ignorance. Unreal. It also has a press conference where Bush insists he has all the power in the world but, no, he's not a dictator (and shuts up a reporter to say so). Finally, it has a terrific response to it all by Russ Feingold. Worth another look, trust me.

CIA Director Goss: the Turdiest Turd Who Ever Turded

CIA Director Porter Goss, February 2006, regarding leaking of classified CIA information:

"The damage has been very severe to our capabilities to carry out our mission," CIA Director Porter Goss told the Senate Intelligence Committee, citing disclosures about a variety of CIA programs that he suggested may have been compromised.

Goss said a federal grand jury should be empaneled to determine "who is leaking this information."

House Intelligence Committee Chair Porter Goss, October 2003, regarding leaking of classified CIA information (specifically, the outing of Valerie Plame):

"Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation."

Turd.

Friday Random Ten

Yes, folks, it's true. God isn't dead, and the lovely Getrude Behanna is here with the proof.

While I haven't listened to the album myself, I'm assuming from the unusual cover art that she's arguing that the antidote to atheism is alcoholism. True, many people end a night of drinking by crying out "Oh God!" when they're embracing a drunken conquest or, alternately, the toilet. But I think she means that the path to salvation comes at the bottom of a bottle. Or ten. As we all know, President Bush only found Jesus after his long sojourn in the shadow of the valley of Schlitz.

Anyway, the ascension of Gert Behanna can only mean that it's Friday, and the workweek is almost done. In no time at all, you'll move from working for the weekend to just plain working the weekend.

With that in mind, it's time for the Friday Random Ten, our little recognition that the light at the end of the tunnel is a cigarette dangling from Keith Richards' leathery lips.

Unless you've been in a coma, you know the rules by now. Take out your iPod -- or your iPod-like knockoff from one of those competing brands like Sorny, Panaphonics, or Magnetbox -- put it on random, and give us the first ten songs. And if you're feeling frisky, throw in a Coolness Self-Audit as well.

Here's mine:

1. Talib Kweli and Hitek, "Move Something" -- When Black Star broke up and Mos Def and Talib Kweli went there separate ways, I thought it was clear that Mos Def would emerge as the Darryl Hall to Kweli's John Oates, the George Michael to his Andrew Ridgley, the Paul Simon to his Art Garfunkel. I've heard nothing since the breakup to convince me otherwise, and this certainly isn't it. 4/10

2. Bravo Silva, "400 Days" -- I have absolutely no idea where I got this. It's fairly bland "alternative" music, the kind that would've made an appearance as the bad band of the week at 90210's Peach Pit. Eh. 3/10

3. Zero 7, "Salt Water Sound" -- The nicely atmospheric electronica of Zero 7 is the musical equivalent of really nice wallpaper. You don't really notice it, but it adds a little color and texture to the background while you're focused on other things. 6/10

4. The Roots, "Respond-React" -- An excellent track from Illadelph Halflife. With odd bits like the out-of-key piano at the start and the sparse instrumentation of the main song, this one was an early sign of the inventive approach the Roots would bring to later albums. And it's still damn good. 9/10

5. Wolf Parade, "Lousy Pictures" -- According to the information I've been able to piece together from old oatmeal packets, this band was formed to open for Arcade Fire in 2003 and then toured with them for a while. Apparently, the newborn band must've imprinted on its surrogate mother, because Wolf Parade still sounds a lot like Arcade Fire. And that, of course, isn't a bad thing. 8/10

6. Sonny Boy Williamson, "Ninety Nine" -- Every time I hear Williamson I'm reminded of this story: When I worked as a DJ in college, a friend of mine and I once co-hosted a three hour show on postwar Chicago blues. At one point, he couldn't find his Sonny Boy Williamson discs in the chaos of the studio and, like a three year old, went on air to announce that we would defiantly sit in silence until they were returned to him. Another DJ came running in with them within seconds, but the Sonny Boy tantrum had been displayed. (I never said it would be a good story. But it's still the first thing I think of when I hear SBW.) 6/10

7. Tami Lynn, "Mojo Hanna" -- Good Lord, this is a scorching soul song. If this does not, in fact, make you shake your groove thing, then I'm afraid you're clinically dead. Sweeeeeet. 10/10

8. Marlena Shaw, "Woman of the Ghetto" -- Apparently, Tami Lynn shook my iPod's groove thing, because it's keeping up the relentless rhythm here. This song has been mined to death by hiphop acts -- from the blistering "ging, ginga-ginga-ging-ging" chant at the start of the song all the way through her closing cries of "remember me, I'm the one who had your baby!" And with good reason. Alternately angry and sultry, this is soul at its finest. 10/10

9. Editors, "Munich" -- The Editors, a.k.a. I Can't Believe It's Not Interpol!, are a UK band who sound strikingly like everyone's favorite group from late 2003. If you don't mind generic knockoffs of brand-name products, you'll love this. 7/10

10. Uncle Tupelo, "We've Been Had" -- This is a good enough rocker off Anodyne, but the dueling vocals make it seem like a preview of the imminent Son Volt-Wilco separation. Hmmm. Looks like I've come full circle, back to another band's breakup. 6/10

Alright, that gives me a 6.9 average. Sheesh, if it weren't for Lynn and Shaw, I'd be even lower. I'm imminently beatable this week, so ahead and drop your own random ten in the comments, with or without a Coolness Self-Audit.

In the meantime, I'm going to get started on my own path to salvation. (Let it be noted for the record that the blogger made the "drinky-drinky" motion.)

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

In an attempt to replace Tom Delay and thereby remove the stench of corruption, D-Con roach killer, and Consort Hair Spray from their ranks, the House Republicans have been engaged in a search for a new Majority Leader.

Hilariously, the first ballot this afternoon had to be scrapped because there were more votes than there were House Republicans at the meeting. I guess it's a little harder to hide the election fraud when you're doing it by paper ballot and Diebold isn't around to help.

But in later ballots, the Republicans picked their man. Roy Blunt, a clone of Tom Delay right down to his helmet hair, had been assuming he'd coast to a victory today, but the ultimate winner was his rival John Boehner.

While Boehner lacks the clammy reptilian creepiness of Delay and Blunt, he does have a last name that should keep Jay Leno's hack writers giggling in glee for a week. More importantly, he doesn't exactly sound like the right man for ridding the Republican House of its taint of corruption:

Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio), a likely candidate for a position in the House Republican leadership if former Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) does not return, has assembled a loyal and effective network of lobbyists.
Boehner formed his alliances on K Street when he served as chairman of the GOP conference from 1995 to 1998, when his portfolio included working with lobbyists on K Street.

“He was a policy traffic cop for the business community,” one of Boehner’s allies said. “When [former Rep. J.C.] Watts [Okla.] won [the election for conference chairman], DeLay, in the whip position, vacuumed in the policy and business outreach. He added staff and translated business outreach into votes, which is something [Missouri Rep.] Roy [Blunt] is doing now.”

Many GOP sources say Boehner would receive strong support from his so-called K Street Cabinet if he decides to run for another leadership post.

So a man who's completely tied up with the K Street Project is going to lead the charge against the K Street Project? Awesome.

Update: I finally figured out who John Boehner reminds me of -- the actor David Garrison.

While I knew and loved Garrison as the comic foil to a young Justin Bateman on the classic '80s crapcom "It's Your Move," he's probably best known for his role as the emasculated and cuckolded neighbor to the Bundy family on "Married, With Children."

Hmmm. I guess that means he'll be deposed by Ted McGinley any day now.

The Madness of King George

Sen. Russ Feingold has accused Bush of having a "pre-1776 mindset." Zing!

Ask a Republican

While I was tooling around the Patton Oswalt website in search of his latest bon mot, I came across something just as hilarious -- Ask A Republican.

Ever wondered why Bush doesn't attend soldiers' funerals? Or how the GOP really feels about gays and blacks? Or who's the reigning drinking champion of the Senate? (Maybe that one's not hard to guess.)

Well, just Ask a Republican.

Money Can Be Exchanged for Goods and Services

It seems that every few months, the media churns out a hand-wringing story about how poorly the Democrats are doing with their fundraising under DNC Chairman Howard Dean. Just last week, StudioDave dropped a piece of hot steaming Drudge here that rehashed the familiar storyline.

As much as I respect a "journalist" whose credentials are nothing more than a fedora and the friendship of Sith Lord Lucianne Goldberg, I think I tend to like things like facts in my reporting.

Luckily, the good people of Bloomberg are once again on the case:

Democrats, seeking to regain control of the U.S. Congress this November, are narrowing their fund- raising gap with the Republicans.

Democratic Party election committees raised $143 million in 2005, up from $128 million four years earlier, led by a record amount collected by the Senate campaign organization. Republican committees raised $206 million, down from $234 million in 2001, according to reports filed with the Federal Election Commission.

The Democrats also reported $47 million in the bank at the start of 2006, $18 million less than the Republicans. That compares with a $37 million difference at the start of 2002, the last year congressional elections were held when there was no presidential race.

"It will give the Democrats a boost, even psychological,'' said Herbert Alexander, professor emeritus of political science at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles and a campaign-finance specialist. "It's always nice to have money and it's always nice to be able to spend it in meaningful ways that will help the party win seats.''

Let's recap those numbers, in case they're not clear enough.

First, the Democrats have increased their fundraising totals by $15 million while the Republicans have decreased their fundraising totals by $28 million. Taken together, those facts mean that the Democrats have narrowed the gap between the parties by some $43 million.

Second, the Democrats' traditional disadvantage in cash-on-hand has shrunk by $19 million. As we've already discussed in earlier posts, Dean has been spending cash like a drunken sailor no-longer-drunk President Bush, building up the infrastructure at the state and local level. The fact that he's accomplished so much and still managed to cut the cash-on-hand disadvantage in half is impressive as hell.

Yes, the Republicans still have an advantage when in comes to the overall money totals, but they've always had that and likely always will, as long as they continue to echo the "fuck the poor!" credo of the Roman Senate in History of the World, Part I. Despite the traditional edge that the GOP has had in money, the Democrats managed to fight to what was basically a draw in the last two presidential elections. Erase that edge, as Dean has been doing, and the Democrats take the lead.

(Thanks to Rising Hegemon for the link.)

Down but not Out

Say what you will, this guy is smooth.

In his meandering, theme-less State of the Union Address last night, near the conclusion Bush declared:

"They [the American people] are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage."

In 8 seconds, the president dismissed the corruption scandals gripping Congress and his Administration and equated these in the American mind with judges who have applied state constitutional precepts on equality to lesbian and gay couples.

The reaction? Applause from both sides of the proverbial aisle - Democrats want to underscore the unethical conduct reference and Republicans want to take another swing at scapegoating homosexuals for the moral decline of America.

Mars, Bitches!

The State of the Empire address is beginning shortly. Feel free to leave your thoughts and snark in the comments below.

State of the Soundbites

The White House press office has just released the soundbites from tonight's State of the Monarchy address.

In case there's something else you'd rather be doing than listen to the same presidential rhetoric for the millionth time, here are the stirring pieces of rhetoric that the White House thinks are the best parts of the speech, with my rapier wit providing some preliminary commentary.

Take it away, Your Highness:

"In this decisive year, you and I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our country. We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom - or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life."

As we all know, the leaders of this administration would never ever retreat from their duties in the hope of an easier life. No matter how many "other priorities" they might have, no matter how much they'd rather be in Alabama instead of Texas, they will not cut and run! Well, they won't do it anymore, that is.

The President will talk about America's leadership role in the world, and the importance of working together to better protect our country, support our troops, and advance freedom:

"Abroad, our Nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal - we seek the end of tyranny in our world... the future security of America depends on it."

However, because of the laws of tyranny-dynamics, the destruction of tyranny elsewhere must lead to the creation of tyranny at home. They're not spying on your phone calls, snooping on your internet records, shuttling protestors into Orwellian "free speech zones," detaining people in Gitmo for years on end, and torturing whenever they can because they want to do all that. Oh, no. They have to do all that to maintain the cosmic tyranny balance. Call it the backwash of freedom.

"In a time of testing, we cannot find security by abandoning our commitments and retreating within our borders. If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone. They would simply move the battlefield to our own shores."

And anyone who would point to the Madrid train bombing or the terrorist strikes against the London Underground as proof that this simplistic fightin'-'em-there-so-we-don't-have-to-fight-'em-here argument is pathetic and laughable, well, those people hate America. And Jesus.

"...Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change."

A hopeful alternative coming to a war theater near you, in the form of cluster bombs and nipple clamps. Remember: They'll love us if we just hurt them enough.

To keep America competitive in a dynamic economy, the President will set out an agenda focused on the priorities that families are most concerned about. He will talk about the importance of having an educated, skilled workforce, reducing our dependence on foreign oil, and making health care more affordable, accessible, and portable.

And I'm sure he'll have as much success in pushing through those SOTU promises as he did with past promises to privatize Social Security, overhaul the tax code, send Americans to the moon and Mars, and catch that Osama bin Laden fellow.

"The American economy is pre-eminent - but we cannot afford to be complacent. In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors like China and India."

"We must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. Our greatest advantage in the world has always been our educated, hard-working, ambitious people - and we are going to keep that edge."

Yes, the new Republican education program with its lesson plans drawn directly from the Book of Leviticus and old episodes of "Davey and Goliath" will certainly keep America on pace with the godless Chinese and the heathen Indians who put their trust in science and technology instead of the Lord Almighty.

And the White House's policy of crushing all scientific research which does not adhere to the One Truth of the Republican Party will make sure that our scientists remain focused on the important issues of the 19th century, like evolution and the latest advancements in steam power.

"America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world... The best way to break this addiction is through technology."

Yes, technology like the Abrams tank and the Stealth Bomber.

"Our government has a responsibility to help provide health care for the poor and the elderly, and we are meeting that responsibility. For all Americans, we must confront the rising cost of care ... strengthen the doctor-patient relationship ... and help people afford the insurance coverage they need."

Not the insurance coverage they want , with all its fancy coverage and protection against incursive hospital costs. No, they'll get the insurance coverage they need, which is apparently a first aid kit from a Toyota Camry and a bucket of wishes. Good luck!

Finally, the President will speak to the character and compassion of America: "...our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are and how we treat one another. So we strive to be a compassionate, decent, hopeful society."

Except, of course, for the homos. They're going to burn in hell.

(Thanks to Daily Kos for posting the preview.)

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

If you missed the Daily Show last night, you missed a brilliant segment comparing the ways in which Oprah handles lying bastards and the way "serious journalists" handle them.

As always, Crooks and Liars has your back.

Speak Up

Assuming that he doesn't dissolve Congress and install his dog Barney as High Chancellor between now and tonight, Our Lord and Ruler King George IV is scheduled to give his State of the Monarchy address to his loyal subjects this evening.

Personally, I tend to prefer the president in more informal settings. When he's out on the stump, speaking to a carefully pre-selected crowd of adoring fans in a hermetically-sealed environment, he tends to relax and fall into his patented I-Think-You're-Retarded speaking style. You know, the one where he repeats the same statement over and over again with just the smallest grammatical variations? ("I'm a problem solver. In other words, I solve problems. There's a problem, see, and I solve it.")

Sure, there are some weaknesses in that approach. There's always an awkward silence when the president removes his coat and dress shoes and puts on his colorful sneakers and sweater, before heading off to consult with his counterpart, King Friday of the Land of Make Believe. But the appearance of the magic trolley helps dispel that.

The formal structure of the congressional address lends itself to a completely different style. Unlike the circle-of-trust rallies that Bush holds to make himself feel better, these audiences contain actual, certified Democrats and, as a result, the president gets a little skittish. He falls out of his comfort zone and has to rely on a different approach altogether.

All evidence to the contrary, the president will begin by declaring that "the state of our union is strong." The body of the speech will consist of variations on six or seven phrases, and at least three of those will be the word "freedom." There will be a couple shout-outs to his homies in the crowd -- Mrs. Alito, in tears; an Iraqi woman, in tears; the Constitution, in shreds; etc. -- and standing ovations from the GOP robots every time he manages to get through a sentence without swallowing his tongue.

Even though I know all this will happen, I keep watching the State of the Union addresses for one reason -- I know there's a slim, slim chance that some enterprising young computer hacker, whacked out on Cheetos and Mountain Dew in his mom's basement, is going to figure out a way to hack into the TelePrompTer. Will the hacker replace the text with, say, a Letter to Penthouse, and trust that President Ron Burgundy will simply read along? Or will the hacker just let the screen go dark, and thereby ensure that a slowly spreading circle of darkness also appears in the president's codpiece zone? Either way, hilarity will ensue.

Please drop your own hopes, fears, and over/under predictions about the State of the Union in the comments below. We can get through this together, people.

Hard to Take This Man Seriously

What are you laughing at, punk?

Cuts Like a Knife

A freaky Friday accident left Lindsay Lohan in stitches.

The Mean Girls star was rushed to a London hospital last week after she sliced her leg open while breakfasting at the home of Bryan Adams, according to published reports.

Bryan Adams?

C-Plus Augustus

I don't read Fafblog too often, largely because the green-background-and-purple-font layout makes my eyes bleed. But I should. And you should, too, because it's damn funny.

Check out the recent Q&A they provided on the omnipotence of Our Lord and Ruler King George IV:

Q. ... Now some crazy people say the president broke some silly old laws like FISA and the National Security Act and the Fourth Amendment. Are these crazy people crazy?

A. They sure are! Maybe those laws worked back in 1978 back when Leonid Brezhnev was snortin coke with Ayatollah Khomeini and groovin' to the hits of the Bee Gees, but in today's dark and dangerous times they just aren't enough.

Q. Things sure have changed since the innocent days of mutually assured destruction! But is it legal for the president to ignore the law?

A. Maybe not according to plain ol stupid ol regular law, but we're at war! You don't go to war with regular laws, which are made outta red tape and bureaucracy and Neville Chamberlain. You go to war with great big strapping War Laws made outta tanks and cold hard steel and the American Fightin Man and WAR, KABOOOOOOM!

Q. How does a War Bill become a War Law?

A. It all begins with the president, who submits a bill to the president. If a majority of both the president and the president approve the bill, then it passes on to the president, who may veto it or sign it into law. And even then the president can override himself with a two-thirds vote.

Q. See it's the checks and balances that make all the difference in our democratic system.

Mmmmmm. That's some mighty good snark there.

(Thanks to the presumably colorblind Kung Fu Monkey for catching this post, and to firedoglake for the lovely photo of President Bush. He really does love to play military dress-up, doesn't he?)

Deano Update From Drudge

Picking up on the previous thread regarding Democratic fundraising (success for state parties versus federal panics), The Drudge Report has issued "news" which seems far more like rumor given it doesn't name any real sources only references to what staffers said off the record. For what it's worth:

DEAN UNDER FIRE FROM PARTY DEMS; NEARLY ALL CASH SPENT Jan 30 2006 10:52:31 ET
Democratic leaders on Capitol Hill are privately bristling over Howard Dean’s management of the Democratic National Committee and have made those sentiments clear after new fundraising numbers showed he has spent nearly all the committee’s cash and has little left to support their efforts to gain seats this cycle, ROLL CALL reports.Congressional leaders were furious last week when they learned the DNC has just $5.5 million in the bank, compared to the Republican National Committee’s $34 million.Senate and House Minority Leaders Harry Reid (Nev.) and Nancy Pelosi (Calif.), along with the Senate and House campaign committee chairmen Charles Schumer (N.Y.) and Rahm Emanuel (Ill.), have made their concerns -- directly or indirectly -- known to Dean, claims the paper. Emanuel was particularly upset last week upon seeing the latest DNC numbers.“A lot of people are scratching their heads as to what’s going on,” said one senior Democratic aide.Another Democratic source familiar with the party fundraising apparatus said there is “obvious displeasure” among the leaders. Developing...

Time will tell.

Film Forum

It's been a while since we last opened the floor for a discussion of our favorite obscure films. The responses last time we great, so let's give it another try: Which lesser-known movies -- forgotten classics, obscure indie flicks, foreign films, etc. -- have been a pleasant surprise for you? What should we, the Netflix Members of North America, have queued up?

Here's some of my recent rental activity:

Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid (1973): While perhaps not as well known as, say, The Wild Bunch, this classic Sam Peckinpah western is every bit as good. The lead roles, played by James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson respectively, are outstanding, but the real surprise is Bob Dylan. I knew he did the music for the film -- this is where "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" first appeared -- but I had no idea he acted in the film. This isn't Jon Bon Jovi making a cameo in Young Guns 2; Dylan has a somewhat substantial role as a quiet cutthroat named "Alias." Sure, the character he plays is a quiet one, but he also throws a knife through a bad guy's throat at one point. Highly recommended. (The film. Not a knife through the throat.)

City on Fire (1987): A Hong Kong classic starring (who else?) Chow Yun-Fat. I'd heard this film was "the inspiration" for Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, but I spent most of the movie scratching my head about the comparisons. Until the last half hour, when the undercover-cop hero infiltrates a gang of jewel thieves, joins them on a heist that goes awry when one of their members starts shooting people, flees with them as some of the thieves get caught, gets shot himself, holes up in the abandoned warehouse that serves as their rallying point, gets involved in a Mexican stand-off with the other crooks who are suspicious of a leak, and then confesses to another thief that he's really a cop. Other than those minor plot points, I think Tarantino came up with the rest of his movie all on his own.

The Long Goodbye (1973): I'd read the book and seen the original film, but for some reason I'd never seen this Robert Altman remake starring none other than Elliott Gould. Not only does the film noir style work in early '70s Malibu, but it might even work better than the original 1940s setting, since the decay of the city and listlessness of its people are even more apparent. (Alright, I'm sounding like Roger Ebert. Pfft.) Like all great '70s films, this one has some great bits of casting, ranging from Henry Gibson as an albino quack rehab doctor and a fresh-off-the-boat Arnold Schwarzeneggar in an uncredited, nonspeaking role as a hired goon. A hired goon who at one point takes off his shirt and pants to intimidate Elliott Gould. And, apparently, to intimidate the cameraman, since he looks directly into the lens. Twice.

Oldboy (2003): I checked out this Chan-Wook Park film without really knowing much about him or the film. It's a disturbing tale, one that answers the age-old question of what Edgar Allan Poe might have done if he'd been born in late-20th-century Korea. Speaking of legends, it's clear that Park has the Hitchcock knack for suspense and stunning visuals. I wasn't entirely floored by this flick, but I'm sure the director has even better work ahead of him.

Advise & Consent (1962): I know I already talked about this in the filibuster post below, but it deserves discussion as a movie unto itself. For a political story, Preminger does an amazing job with the pacing and the plot twists, which keep on coming. Burgess Meredith accuses Henry Fonda of being a communist! Charles Laughton does a dead-on impersonation of a South Carolina Dixiecrat! A secretly gay Mormon senator gets blackmailed! And, hey, was that Betty White? Again, not just a good film, but a good reminder of how the congressional branch once worked.


Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974): Yes, another Peckinpah film. Apparently, he was churning these out like counterfeit money in the early '70s. I've wanted to see this one for a long time, partly because I've liked Peckinpah's past work, and partly because I wanted to understand a line of dialogue from Fletch. This one's a "modern Western" set in 1970s Mexico and involving an old-school bounty hunt. The weirdest part for me is that the hardcore, jaded, drunk antihero at the center of the story is Warren Oates, an actor who's probably best-known for playing Sgt. Hulka in Stripes. Here, he sticks his big toe right up the Mexican underworld's butt.

Alright, that's enough to start the discussion. But in the spirit of Advise & Consent, I request permission from the chair to revise and amend my remarks at a later date.

Please throw your favorite semi-obscure films in the comments below.

Advise and Consent

Well, it looks like some of the Democrats are going to attempt a filibuster against Samuel Alito's nomination.

The move has been roundly mocked by the Republicans and the media that parrots their point of view. (I heard CNN anchor Betty Nguyen mock Kerry this afternoon, smirking and referring to the Republican response as "giggling" at him, for instance.) True, I doubt the Democrats have the numbers to maintain the filibuster and keep Alito off the bench.

But then again, I don't think they need to do that in order to gain something from the filibuster. Ultimately, I see this not as a battle over the Supreme Court, but a battle over the Senate.

First, a filibuster of Alito would help draw attention to the position of moderate Republican Senators in the Northeast -- like Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins and especially Lincoln Chafee. Chafee's getting pressed from both sides on the matter of abortion rights back home, and forcing him to take a high-profile stance on Alito -- no matter which side he came down on -- would pretty much doom his re-election chances. If he stands against Alito, the Republican primary voters will go to the challenger on his right and that candidate would likely lose in the general election. Or if he stands with Alito, he'd make it to the general election but once more voters would side with the Democratic choice. Either way, the Republicans lose the seat.

Second, in general, it would be nice to show the American people that the Democrats actually do have principles, and that they'll go down swinging to defend them. The Senate Judiciary Committee hearings did little to illuminate all that's wrong with Alito, and the Democrats can use the spotlight of the filibuster to make those matters clear. It would not only help demonstrate all that's wrong with the Bush vision of executive power, but also show that the Democrats can be an effective counterweight to it -- if only they had greater numbers.

Third, and most important, the filibuster would go a long way to reminding the Senate Democrats -- and the public in general -- that the Senate really does have an oversight function. That role's been largely forgotten in recent years, with Senate Republicans serving as a proxy for the president and Senate Democrats hiding from their own shadow. It's time to reassert their proper role and push back against the "unitary executive theory" nonsense that's turning this country into a elected dictatorship.

President Bush seems to think that the phrase "advise and consent" means nothing more than rubber-stamping his edicts. Funny, but just this week I watched the 1962 Otto Preminger film Advise and Consent and was reminded that Congress used to be a fully-developed organism capable of breathing and acting on its own. If you haven't seen the film, it's a great political thriller with strong performances by Henry Fonda, Charles Laughton and Walter Pidgeon. (Interestingly, Preminger had tried to cast Martin Luther King, Jr., as "Senator King" from Georgia. King considered it, but turned him down. Still, Betty White makes an appearance as a senator from Kansas, so I guess it's a wash.)

The political machinations in the movie are fascinating, but what's striking today is something taken for granted by the film's creators and original audience -- the Senate is not only allowed to have a say in presidential appointments, but they're supposed to make it difficult. It's a little thing called "checks and balances," and it worked in this country for more than two centuries. Until King George IV came along, at least.

So, yes, let's filibuster. It may not succeed in keeping Alito out of the Supreme Court, but it'll help keep Alito's ideas about unchecked executive power out of the Senate.

Update: It's looking like the filibuster drive is gaining speed. Check out firedoglake and Daily Kos for tips on how to reach your senators to urge them to join the filibuster movement.

This isn't a quixotic cause, no matter what the media and Scott McClellan might say. Sen. Feinstein was brought back from the brink, and that means anyone can be, too.

State of the Union

If you'd like a sneak peak of the State of the Union address, check out this dress rehearsal over at MyDD.

They apparently use understudies for the dry run, but they're pretty solid. The guy filling in for the president is damn good, especially in the part about Super Jesus. And I like that the Hastert stand-in has a year's supply of Twizzlers.

Friday Random Ten

Yes, Corey Feldman.

When not making guest appearances on VH1's "Whatever Happened To?" or manning the Corey Hotline -- "Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Gory ... story ... allegory... Montessori..." -- the Feldmeister apparently spends a lot of his time in his mom's basement recovering from a bad break-up with a girl he met at Burning Man. Just sittin' there, recording love songs and creating cover art that looks like it came from the back of a Trapper Keeper.

While I've never heard any of the songs, I'm really hoping there's at least one in there that describes his romance with Michael Jackson. Or at least give us the story about the chick with the scimitar. That has got to be a crazy ex-girlfriend. Or a sad, sad fantasy.

Speaking of musical superstars like Goonies star Corey Feldman, it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, your iPod Mini, your iPod Nano, your iPod Fetus, or whatever you have; set it to random; and give us the first ten songs that are brave enough to show their faces. And in case you feel compelled by the power of Christ, go ahead and give unto us a Coolness Self-Audit.

Here's mine for this week:

1. Afrika Bambaataa and the Jazzy 5, "Jazzy Sensation" -- A little old school rap from one of the original rulers of the Zulu Nation. The fact that this has been sampled to death (the Beastie Boys got the refrain of "The Ladies! The Ladies!" for "Hey Ladies" here, for instance) removes some of the freshness, but it's still a solid choice for your ghetto blaster and/or boom box. 6/10

2. The Meters, "(The World is a Little Bit Under the Weather) Doodle-Oop" -- The moronic title aside, this is a great bit of New Orleans funk. Sassy guitar riffs, a good walking bass line, and all the Neville vocals you could ever want. 9/10

3. Björk, "Bachelorette" -- I will be mocked mercilessly for this by my fellow bloggers, but I stand by this Icelandic weirdo with all my heart. This is one of the better tunes from Homogenic and, while not exactly cool, it gets the job done. 7/10

4. Johnson Mkhalali, "Joyce No. 2" -- I have a soft spot for the blistering guitar work of African musicians like Malathini and the Mahotella Queens, and this number fits well in that groove. That said, it's an instrumental and a fairly repetitive one. Plus, I'm suspicious about what happened to Joyce No. 1. 4/10

5. Radiohead, "Pearly" -- From the excellent Airbag EP, which is a good indication that the band was really at its peak during the OK Computer era. Seriously, when you can create a masterpiece of an album and then build a great EP out of what didn't make the cut, that's beyond good. 7/10

6. Wilco, "Reservations" -- I just rewatched the documentary I Am Trying to Break Your Heart on IFC last weekend. It's a great rock doc if you haven't seen it (and it's still a great one if you have seen it). The band breaks up with their label, loses a member, and generally basks in the diva genius of Jeff Tweedy. The rehearsal takes on this song, in particular, are great. 7/10

7. The Muppets, "Mahna Mahna" -- Yes, these are random. I don't think any song originally sung by puppets can be considered cool, but if there were a possibility, this song would certainly be the one. It still puts a smile on my face everytime I hear it, even when it's in an ad for the ridiculous Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. (Seriously, you couldn't cram a couple more fake flavors in there? No?) 4/10

8. Labi Siffre, "I Got The..." -- Well, now, this is a nice rebound. This song isn't just a sweet '70s soul song with lush orchestration and dirty bass lines, it's also the source for the main sample used in Eminem's "My Name Is." I once said a perfect ten on the Coolness Self-Audit would be something you'd want to walk into a bar in slow-motion to, and this certainly fits the bill. 10/10

9. The Postal Service, "Against All Odds" -- Normally, even the most remote, six-degrees-of-separation connection to Phil Collins would merit a big fat zero on the coolness scales, but somehow this one works. Part of me admires the inventive arrangement of a "classic" song, and part of me just admires the balls it took for Ben Gibbard to steer into the mouth of the crapstorm and come out the other side. Well done, good sir. 9/10

10. Kostars, "Hey Cowboy" -- Two members of Luscious Jackson put out this album as a side project, and it's full of nice little treats like this one. A little more low-key than the LJ materials, but it certainly works. 7/10

Well, that nets me a 7.1 average and yet another C-minus on the Cool-o-Meter. With grades like that, maybe I too can one day become leader of the free world.

Do you think you're better than me? Because I will fight you. No, no, wait, that's the liquor talking.

What I meant to say is -- kindly drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Punk.

The Doctor is In Your Face

If you haven't seen Howard Dean's duel with Katie Couric, the good people at Crooks and Liars have it for you.

A lot has been said already about Couric's parroting the Republican line that the Abramoff scandal is somehow bipartisan. For someone who showed video of her own colonoscopy on the "Today" show, Couric is surprisingly unable to probe the assholes at the center of the scandal and get at the truth. But Dean gave a firm rebuttal -- a flat mantra of "Not. One. Dime." -- and acquitted himself well.

In fact, Dean's entire appearance looked strong. He stayed on message, rebutting Republican claims and always pivoting to the attack, bringing up their incompetence, their ethical scandals, and their corruption at every chance he got. At one point, Couric claimed that "many people" think the Democrats lack a backbone, and Dean promptly reached through the screen, ripped hers out, and beat her on the head with it.

In all seriousness, nicely played. This should be required viewing for Democratic officials before they're allowed anywhere near a microphone.