They Can Take Our Lives, But They'll Never Take Our Freedom

The lovely and talented Malibu Stacy and I have just returned from our holiday travels through my native South. We have two clusters of family located within a day's drive of each other and, therefore, we made our annual Sherman-like march across the countryside to pay our respects.

In the midst of our eggnog-fueled mayhem, we stopped at a combination gas station and Gulp'n'Blow somewhere within spitting distance of Knoxville (and its fabulous SunSphere!) At the station, I stepped inside the Civil War-era men's room and, as always, glanced over the fine assortment of items available at the vending machine perched next to the urinals. I've long admired the array of gentlemen's gifts on sale at these machines -- licorice ice breath mints, coconut-flavored condoms, the patented Rough Rider brand's combination of studded condom and snow chains, etc. -- but I've never had the urge to actually purchase anything. Until then.

At this gas station, I discovered the greatest gentlemen's gift of all time: the Freedom Tickler™.

The picture to the left here is exactly what I purchased for the low low price of 75 cents and the last remaining shreds of my dignity.

But the product packaging doesn't really do the whole purchase justice. The image on the machine was much more dramatic, and had a tagline that read: "The FREEDOM Tickler: It's the PATRIOTIC thing to do." As if to confirm that it was, indeed, the patriotic thing to do, right next to the picture was an image of the Statue of Liberty, an all-American lady who would doubtlessly appreciate a good pleasuring from a patriotically-equipped American man.

As stupid as I thought it was when conservatives renamed French Fries (which originated in Belgium) and French Toast (which originated in Albany, NY) as Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast, the decision to rename the French Tickler makes those acts look like nothing. I mean, really, did they think that the French would be shamed into supporting Operation Kick Ass! simply because thousands of Cletus lookalikes were no longer pleasuring their wives and/or sisters with a French tickler?

Truly, if there ever were a symbol of the right wing's unique combination of ignorance and arrogance, it's the Freedom Tickler.

In the spirit of their great leader Dick Cheney, I suggest they go use it on themselves.