Thursday, April 27, 2006

Frontrunner for Treasury Sec. Job Emerges

After weeks of flailing around for someone, anyone, to take the Treasury position, a strong candidate has arisen in the northwest.
An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say.

At first blush, he doesn’t appear to be a Bush man. He’s not from Texas, he didn’t work in the Nixon or Ford administration, and he prefers smoking his drug of choice rather than snorting it. But look closer - specifically, look at his qualities of Character.
  • He is a decider. He decided to kill himself, and he had a nail gun. By gummit, he wasn’t going to sit around and debate whether or not he should use the nail gun to kill himself.

  • He is strong in the face of temporary setbacks. Most Oregonians would have changed course after the first 4 or 5 nails to the head. They would have been wracked with self doubt: “Gee, maybe shooting 2-inch nails into my head isn’t the best way to do this. Maybe I should just give up and use spit balls.” But no, this man went the distance, pumping the full dozen into his cranium.

  • He’s not afraid to mildly bend, shade, tweak, or fluff the truth for a just cause. When you intentionally inject a dozen nails into your skull and still not die, you don’t tell the docs it was a failed suicide attempt. That’ll just make your hospital bill bigger, what with the round-the-clock surveillance and psych help. (See? He’s good at saving money.) Besides, do we want the terrorists to think we’re so incompetent that we can’t even kill ourselves with nail guns? Osama would laugh himself silly.

  • He firmly holds maintains his vision, even if that vision appears to lead to disastrous results. A lot of weaker men might sit back and say “I shot 12 nails into my head on purpose. Everyone says I have to stop using meth and not shoot nails into my brain. Maybe I should do that.” Hell no! This man left his rehab program early, against doctor’s orders. He is strong in his belief that he can shoot 12 nails into his head anytime he wants and there will be no problems, except maybe a headache - that is, as long as he sticks to his fundamental vision that life is better with meth. This is the kind of man who can convince everyone that tax cuts are always good, no matter what.

  • If the democrats in congress still manage to wreck the economy and the prez needs to pin the blame on somebody in his cabinet, our Oregon friend has the best excuse ever. “I’m sorry for ruining the president’s perfect plan for a perfect economy, but I shot 12 nails in my head awhile back. Twelve freakin’ nails.”

Of course, Pinhead (I mean that in the good Hellraiser way, not the bad Bill O’Reilly way) has only just caught the attention of W’s staffers, and the way he handles himself over the next few days is crucial. Now that the feckless mainstream elitist media filter has published their biased twisting of the events, will he push back with appropriate vigor? Can he convince middle America that he never shot 12 nails into his head, and that if it did happen it was probably the fault of his liberal neighbor who left his shiny new nail gun in his only-moderately secured tool shed?

Only time will tell, but I’m rooting for you, Pinny.


Otto Man said...

There's also the fact that his choice of suicide method pumped some additional money into the flagging construction sector of the economy.

Thrillhous said...

Very true!

I'm just waiting for some troll to say something about how if he'd used a 16-penny nail he would've gotten it done right the first time. Revisionist history!

Smitty said...

Given the ongoing investigation of whether or not this was a case of suicide, then as this man's Press Secretary, I cannot comment on ongoing investigations.

InanimateCarbonRod said...

And he can also talk up health savings accounts. Who needs those expensive surgeons?
Surgeons removed the nails with needle-nosed pliers and a drill
If he had been encouraged to shop around using his own money, Pinhead could've gotten his drinking buddies to fix him. But noooo, the socialists want him to go to a hospital for this kind of thing.

Otto Man said...

I bet Bush would love him just for the nickname possibilities. Pinball Wizard. El Pinata. Pinnochio. Etc.

Tom Hilton said...

Of course the Bush-haters are all going to say it would have been better for him to just let the Islamofascists take over America instead of shooting 12 nails into his head. And the MSM doesn't talk about all the good news, like how he doesn't have 20 nails in his head. And the libtard appeasers are already saying we should let Iran get nuclear weapons instead of shooting nails into our heads.

Otto Man said...

If the right is ever looking for a new Scott McClellan and Michelle Malkin, I think Smitty and Tom have the jobs won hands down.

Thrillhous said...

Really, with Snow up at the WH, Fox News and right-wing radio could use some fresh faces.

That's a good point about the surgeon's tools, iRod. Home Depot should open a health section where you can get do-it-yourself kits.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

If he keeps those x-rays handy, he can probably drink for free in any bar he ever goes into.

grandpaboy said...

...I’m rooting for you, Pinny.

Wasn't that the mascot of the Springfield Olympics?