"What's a Shocker?"

Archer

My Parents Were Awesome

Yes, Granny's hat says "Ayatollah Eat Shit." Which is why this site is worth a look.

What happens when Jane Fonda drops acid

Caption Contest

GOP - Circling the Drain

Is this really happening? Its a build til the absured - but if you dont know where this is heading - its worth it (at time 3:34)

Compare and Contrast

Life Moves Pretty Fast

Director John Hughes passed away today, and he will be missed. To quote the man himself, ""Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."

A nice set of remembrances here. Leave your own in the comments.

Dirty Sanchez

CNN's Rick Sanchez just ate and shat out the health care CEO who's behind those godawful Conservatives for Patients' Rights ad. Daaaaamn.

Birther Madness

As an ardent liberal -- and more important, as a connoisseur of unintended comedy -- I ask that the supremely insane and superbly ludicrous Orly Taitz be given a half hour on network TV every night for the next month.

This epic meltdown on MSNBC makes Chernobyl look like nothing.

A Real American Pie Chart

Somebody's Fucking My Lady

I've been looking for this forever -- Jerry Minor and Craig Robinson on "Real Time with Bill Maher," singing the greatest love song of all time.

Attention Advertisers

If you don't cease and desist with the "Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?" ad with those real-life, rythymless, still-schlubby morons pawing their way through the song like drunken fucking pandas, singing the praises of that corkboard piece of shit cookie, I'm going to take a hostage. You have been warned.

Also, Lipitor: Your ad with the heart-attack victim with the pencil thin mustache is creeping me out. Only two kinds of men have that look -- internationally notorious cat burglars and pedophiles. Either way, I'm not listening.

The Jordan Schlansky Project

Christ, this recurring bit from Conan O'Brien is funny. I still can't believe Schlansky is a real person. He seems like they crossbred Sylar from "Heroes" and the Queer Eye crew.

If Conan isn't your cup of tea, feel free to switch over to Leno. Might as well hit the early bird special at the Sizzler and then take your fiber laxative while you're at it, grandpa.

Seriously?

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd write: Tom Arnold is one smart liberal.

Jesus, Hannity, you just got your ass kicked by a guy who willingly married Roseanne Barr.

Friday Nonrandom One

Go hell, iPodians. This is how I roll.

Friday Random Ten

This week's album cover comes courtesy of friend of the blog -- and, indeed, friend of all mankind -- Pedro.

Just look into the eyes of little Eli Manning there. He has a secret to tell, but I'm not sure just who it's about. Maybe it was his dad Archie, taking out some trauma from his days with the Aints. Maybe his brother Cooper, the one without the football gene, trying to dominate his little brother with his own version of the hurry-up offense. Or maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants.

Who knows? But it's bad. Tom Coughlin naked bad.

Alright, let's do this thing.

For those of you just joining us, here's how it's done, in three easy steps. First, take out whatever music storage device you use -- an iPod, an imitationPod, a 1958 Wurlitzer jukebox, the rhythm-blessed wino on your corner, whatever -- set it to random, and give us the first ten songs that come out. Second, if you'd like to kick it up a notch Elzar-style, rate the songs on a scale of one to ten, with one being the biggest bunch of sucks who ever sucked a suck and ten being a song so cool that it collapses upon itself to form a black hole of coolness that not even Barry White's voice could escape. Third, and most important, mock everyone else's music.

And. Here. We. Go.

1. Wilco, "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" -- A song so perfectly Wilconian that they named a tour documentary after it. Just a little bit off-key and off-kilter, this slow strummer from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot really is the band at its best. 8/10

2. Greenskeepers, "Lotion" -- Lordy, Lordy, I love this song. It's catchy as hell, but you'll hate yourself for singing along, since the entire tune is written from the perspective of Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs." The song is absolutely brilliant on its own, but the video -- which syncs the song up to actual clips from the film -- is pure genius. 10/10

3. Big Boi, "Kryptonite" -- This is a fairly mediocre offering from Mr. Antwan Patton, a song that suggests that if the long-rumored Outkast break-up ever does come to be, then Big Boi is destined to join Andrew Ridgley, John Oates, and Art Garfunkel in the annals of castaway sidemen. 5/10

4. The Gruesomes, "Way Down Below" -- Fairly decent bit of garage rock revival from the 1980s. They're not as good as the premier garage rock revival group, the Gories. But then again, they're not as bad as the other retro group of the 1980s, the Goonies. 6/10

5. Earth, Wind and Fire, "September" -- A great song, and usually the one song I can count on for rump-shaking inspiration at a wedding. But if Aunt Reba is shaking her considerably large groove thing at the same time, I suppose the song can't be all that cool. 7/10

6. Yo La Tengo, "Cherry Chapstick" -- Hoboken's finest deliver the goods here on a nice strummy bit of indie rock. I think the entire And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out CD is terrific, and this song is certainly no exception. 7/10

7. Archers of Loaf, "Might" -- Two minutes of stripped-down indie-rock love. Sweet. 8/10

8. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, "The Rest Will Follow" -- Not surprisingly, a band with the balls to use that as their name also throws a wall of sound at you too. Two drummers and what sounds like a half dozen guitars lead to a nice driving rocker. Solid stuff. 8/10

9. TV on the Radio, "Heroes" -- The original is probably my favorite Bowie song of all time, but this cover may be even better. Holy shit this is good. Do yourself a favor and go get this on iTunes. 10/10

10. The Guess Who, "Laughing" -- Aw, fuck. And I was doing so well. 3/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.2 average. Either I'm getting cooler as the summer heats up, or just getting much less judgmental. I prefer to think it's the former.

Let's see what you've got, folks. Drop your own Random Ten in the comments below, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Where Have You Been?

An in-law of mine forwards right-wing cartoons, emails, etc., about 5 times a day. Just recently there's been a lot of stuff about Michael Jackson, his funeral, and the sick society and MEDIA that loves it all, usually juxtaposed with the story of a war hero or recent fatality in Iraq or Afghanistan. They end with some variant of "Why isn't the MEDIA focused on soldiers dying instead of Michael Jackson???"

To which I say, where have you been? Us naive libruls have been saying for years that the media should cover the wars more. It was conservatives who approved of the ban on photographing soldier coffins, it was conservatives who went bonkers when Nightline had the temerity to read the names of those killed in the war (back when the list was short enough to read in a few hours).

And unemployment. Just about all of my conservative friends are insisting that the true unemployment rate is 16%, because the way unemployment is accounted leaves out various unemployed groups. However, back in 2004, they scoffed at the idea that the low-ish unemployment numbers missed anybody.

The deficit is out of control, say my conservos. Yes, the same people who supported two wars and two rounds of tax cuts.

I wonder what's next. Gay marriage?

Miss Republican

I'm as sick as anyone of the nonstop media circus that is Sarah Palin, but this piece from Andrew Sullivan on Palin and the larger state of the Republican Party is too good to pass up:

And this helps explain the broader problem with American conservatism right now. It is less a movement than an industry. From Fox News to talk radio to conservative publishing houses, it has created an alternate and lucrative media reality that is worth a fortune to those able to exploit it. Alas, these alternative media thrive on paranoia, hatred of liberal elites and growing extremist rhetoric made worse by a hermetically sealed echo chamber of true believers. Anyone criticised by the left or even by the establishment right is a martyr in this world. In America, martyrdom sells. And Palin is a product worth lots of money.

She wants some of it; and she has no actual interest in governing America (even though she’d love the title of president). She referred to giving up her “title” as governor, not her “office”. In this, she is the ultimate Republican of this degenerate moment: all culture war, no policy; all identity politics, no engagement with practical answers to difficult public problems; and all hysterical opposition to Barack Obama, no actual alternatives offered.

The whole thing is excellent. Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

"Let's see.... We need a name that communicates that we bring some lick-smacking soul in slightly doughlike bodies. How about ... "Juicy Fruit'?"

"Brilliant. Call the people at Casablanca Records and tell them we've struck gold. Gold, Jerry!"

Alright, let's bring the pain:

1. 2Pac and Talent, "Changes." Great song. Listening to it now, it's hard to decide what's more mind-blowing -- the fact that they made a riff from Bruce Fucking Hornsby into a great hiphop loop, or that the lyrics include lines like "And although it seems heaven sent / We ain't ready to see a black President"? Ah, 2Pac. If only you'd lived to see the Changes We Can Believe In. 10/10

2. Sacre, "Mad World" -- If you ever saw Donnie Darko, you'll recognize this song immediately. This was, I think, a Tears for Fears song originally, but this version is much better. Very haunting, very sparse, very Jake Gyllenhaalian. 8/10

3. Mountain, "Mississippi Queen" -- "Sometimes, I'm like yes, yes, yes, keep on rockin'! And other times I'm like no, no, no, don't stop rockin'!" 7/10

4. Paul Howard and His Cotton Pickers, "Drinking All My Troubles Away" -- This is off a terrific compilation of old country hits called "Hillbilly Boogie." A nice little number about a timeless alcoholic truth. 8/10

5. Dean Martin, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" -- Insert joke about Dean Martin and red noses here. 3/10

6. Ennio Morricone, "Money Orgy" -- This is from the soundtrack to a 1968 movie about a master thief called Diabolik. I've never seen it, but this glimpse of the scene with the song suggests it is one spicy-a meatball. 6/10

7. Louis Jordan, "Jordan for President" -- Jordan was called "King of the Jukebox" for a reason. This isn't one of my personal faves -- while "What's the Use in Getting Sober (When You're Gonna Get Drunk Again?)" is a classic -- but still a solid hit for the midcentury phenom. 7/10

8. Booker T. and the MGs, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" -- My wife likes Christmas music, what can I say? This is actually a pretty funky rendition. 7/10

9. Patton Oswalt, "Robert Evans" -- Normally, I skip past comedy bits here. But Feelin' Kinda Patton is one of the best comedy albums of all time, and this bit -- a long-winded ether-fueled routine about Hollywood movie producer Robert Evans, subject of the excellent The Kid Stays in the Picture -- is fanfuckingtastic. Attention must be paid. 10/10

10. Muddy Waters, "Evil" -- Hot damn. Easily my favorite bluesman, even though it's hard to believe his real name (McKinley Morganfield) seemed to be showier than his stage name. I could listen to the Chess box set all day long, and this is a terrific track. Especially since it's reminding me of how good Jeffrey Wright was as Waters in Cadillac Records. 8/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.4 on the day. Looks like I'm at three-quarters cool this week. Might be as good as I get.

Nailin' Palin

What Anonymous Liberal said.

Benched

Typically, when a political party is out of power and out of favor with the public, they look to their slate of state governors to find the leaders of the future. Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush all emerged from their governor's houses to take charge of their party and take control of the White House.

With that in mind, how are things looking for the current state of Republican governors? Coming out of the 2008 cycle, there were a number of contenders for the crown, largely drawn from McCain's list of prospective running mates. But less than a year later, they've all imploded spectacularly.


Most notably, of course, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin just shat all over damnherself and came rushing to the cameras to tell us about the delicious pudding she found. But she's not alone. Louisiana's Bobby Jindal crippled himself with the Kenneth the Page speech he gave at the start of the year, while South Carolina's Mark Sanford horndogged his chances away with the Argentinian telenovela.

There was a deep bench behind those erstwhile frontrunners, but they've been decimated too. Texas's Rick Perry got involved in wild-eyed secession talk and is now facing a tough re-election fight against Kay Bailey Hutchison. Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty has seen his stock plummet to nothingness as he became embroiled in the Coleman-Franken Senate fight. Nevada's Jim Gibbons makes Sanford and Palin look sane. California's Arnold Schwarzeneggar can't run for president, of course, but he was considered a bright star in the party, and now he's practically a pariah.

There were others out there -- the seemingly sane ones -- but they've largely been taken off the chess board. Utah's Jon Huntsman represented a real hope for a new direction in the party, but he just joined the Obama administration as ambassador to China, while Florida's Charlie Crist is eyeing the Senate seat there and sees no love from the conservative base.

So, who's left? Some former governors like Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, of course. But from the current crop, who's going to emerge? Idaho Governor Butch Otter?

The Fog of War

It must be clearance season for aging celebrities, because former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara just passed away at the spritely age of 93.

According to the official body count provided by McNamara’s heirs, there will be at least 600 people buried at his funeral.

Caption Contest

Do What Now?

From the train wreck of Sarah Palin:

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out.

Remember kids: Winners never always quit.

Not Always Finer

As much as I love my home state of NC, there are some real douchebag politicians there, democrats and repubs.

Corporal punishment is allowed in NC schools, which is idiotic. Actually, half of the school districts have had the sense to ban it, but the other half are fully in favor of 200-lb men repeatedly hitting 45-lb girls on their butts with pieces of wood.

Recently a bill was proposed that would give parents the right to opt out of the government beatings - not ban the beatings, mind you, simply give parents the right to say no. Predictably, the bill sailed through the house, and looked to be ready to do so in the senate.

But then the senators started waxing nostalgic about the beatings they received in school. And of course, they want to be fair. As one opponent (a democrat, shame on shame) said, it wouldn't be fair for one kid to take a whooping while another lucky ducky gets a non-violent punishment.

I'm going down to NC in a few weeks, and I'm thinking of stopping by the legislature with a nice piece of hickory. Maybe those guys would like to do a little more waxing.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

You know, if you're going to hold a nativist rally and have a major-league batshit-crazy peddler like Pat Buchanan there to promote English as America's official language, you might want to spell check your banners.

Just a thought.

"As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."

John Hodgman gave the keynote at the Radio & Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, using his time -- and his audience with the president -- to address the epic struggle between jocks and nerds.

Enjoy.

Friday Random Ten

I have no idea who this fella is, but he looks like he's equal parts Roy Orbison, Nacho Libre, and Elvis Aron Presley, and that's alright with me. I am a little disturbed that a man who goes by the name of "Orion" has the nerve not to wear a belt. I guess he doesn't care if he makes the astronomers cry.

Busy week, so let's cut to the chase:

1. Tom Waits, "Way Down in the Hole" -- Even if you're not a fan of Tom Waits (and given the fact that his voice was best described as sounding like a man who'd gargled hot tar), you might recognize this song from the opening credits of "The Wire." They used a different version each season, but the second season (on the docks) used his original. This is from Frank's Wild Years, one of my all time favorites. 10/10

2. Shirley Bassey, "Hey Big Spender (Wild Oscar Mix)" -- The brassy Miss Bassey did some fantastic work in the '60s, including several James Bond themes ("Goldfinger," "Diamonds Are Forever," etc.). This is a nice electronica remix of one of her campier tunes. 8/10

3. The Roots, "Star/Pointro" -- This is the opening track off The Tipping Point, and it's a nice slow one that builds off Sly Stone's "Everybody is a Star" and only gets better from there. Much like the combination of your chocolate and my peanut butter, this is a mixture that works incredibly well. 8/10

4. The Budos Band, "Deep in the Sand" -- I don't know much about the Budos Band; I think I-Rod passed along a CD of theirs to me. But I know I like them. Their stuff sounds like the instrumental score to a blaxploitation flick. Big, balls-out and brassy. 7/10

5. The Replacements, "Bastards of Young" -- An outstanding song from the outstanding album Tim. I'll let Pedro rave about them in the comments and bitch that this score is too low. Bring it on. 9/10

6. The Arcade Fire and David Bowie, "Wake Up (live)" -- This is a recording from a concert at Radio City Music Hall. I saw Arcade Fire at Summerstage in Central Park a week later and predicted -- correctly, for once in my life -- that they'd be joined by Bowie for a surprise performance of this at the end of the set. (They also returned the favor and sang "Queen Bitch" with him.) Absofuckinglutely amazing. 10/10

7. R.E.M., "Pretty Persuasion (live)" -- Huh, another live tune. This is from a 1985 concert -- in Germany, I think? Some place called Rockpalast? The original is one of my favorite tunes of theirs, off my favorite album of theirs. This is a shitty recording though, a little all over the place. 5/10

8. Girl Talk, "Keeping the Beat" -- Gregg Gillis is a phenomanal DJ and mixer (the extra "G" stands for "great," I believe), but his first album was a tad scattered and uneven. Compared to the next two, which are fucking brilliant, this is just a little tame. 6/10

9. Superchunk, "Precision Auto (live)" -- Jesus, I think my laptop wants to go to a concert. This is a great tune by the kings (and queen) of indie punk-pop, but again, the recording (from Lord knows where) is a little dicey. I bet all the pogoing from the band threw the sound technician off. They made me spill my Olympia more than once. That's three cents worth of beer you owe me, Mac! 7/10

10. Ella Fitzgerald, "The Muffin Man" -- Why yes, I do have a child. But this is a pretty nice version all the same. 6/10

That adds up to an impressive 7.6 average, which is easily the highest rating I've had in years.

Let's see what you can do. Drop your own FRTs, with or without the patented Coolness Self Audit, into the comments. If you're too lazy, just unleash your thoughts about mine. And if you're too lazy to do even that, the nurse will be in to roll you over and prevent bedsores any minute now.

I Heart the '80s

Keeping with the '80s drug theme today. Thanks to Warming Glow for finding this.

The Dark Crack Rock

I saw The Dark Crystal as a kid, but it's amazing how different it seems all these years later.

Caption Contest

Alright, have at it.

We Hold These Truths To Be Self Evident (After My Wife Yells at Me)

Time spent with my 6-month-old son while my daughter is in daycare is "quality time," not a "sausage fest."

Friday Random Ten

Nearly forgot to throw this out there. Well, I said this would be a semi-regular revival. I can't promise to get these up every week. I can't promise to try, either. But I'll promise to try to try.

In the spirit of half-assing it, I thought I'd go with a little Vanilla Ice for the album cover this week. I have no memory of this, but apparently he was in a movie, a shameless reworking of Rebel Without a Cause that seems to have costarred Paula Poundstone (or a reasonable facsimile) and biker pants made from the backdrop to the "Parents Just Don't Understand" video. And a metric ton of hair spray. Sweeeeeet.

Alright, here we go:

1. Eric B. and Rakim, "Microphone Fiend" -- Holy shit, this is a nice start. The best hiphop duo of all-time, and regardless of what the snobs at the Federal Election Commission say, Eric B. is and always will be my perennial choice for president. 8/10

2. DJ Danger Mouse, "Encore" -- From the bootleg Grey Album, Danger Mouse's mashup of Jay-Z's Black Album and the Beatles' White Album, this one takes the vocals from "Encore" and uses sampled bits from "Savoy Truffle" and "Glass Onion." Not the best on the album. 5/10

3. Moby, "God Moving Over the Face of the Waters (String Quartet Tribute)" -- An impressive remix (re-recording?) of a song from the Play album, using real string instrumentation in what had previously been a little bit of hypertechnical electronica. Very nice. 8/10

4. Beck, "Go It Alone" -- I keep waiting for the anvil to drop, but this is the fourth straight solid pick. Very catchy, nice little beat, and the minty fresh attitude that only Scientology can provide. 9/10

5. Nick Drake, "Hazy Jane I" -- I know I'm supposed to love Nick Drake, and I keep giving him a chance, but it's just a little too somnambulent for me. I like "Pink Moon" a lot, but the hushed vocals start to put me to sleep if I listen to more than that. 6/10

6. Django Reinhardt and Stephane Grappelli, "Tears" -- Another mellow one here, which is a shame because the faster tunes from this duo really show off their Depression-era shredding skills. What's Belgian for "Meh"? 5/10

7. The Rapture, "The Devil" -- And here's the stinker. I like a few songs by these guys. Maybe just one. Actually, as this plays, I'm getting the urge to find someone with skinny jeans and a porkpie hat and kick him square in the nuts. 3/10

8. Sunset Rubdown, "The Empty Threats of Little Lord" -- One of the many side projects from the boys in Wolf Parade. Some of their stuff is solid, but this has a lot of art-rock wankery to it. Eh. 3/10

9. Minnie Riperton, "Les Fleur" -- Well, here's a nice recovery. A great bit of disco-era soul, recently sampled by Jurassic 5 for "Thin Line," that song they did with Nelly Furtado. (Yes, you read that right.) High-pitched backing vocals, melodramatic lyrics, rich instrumentation ... this is wrong in every way that made the 1970s right. 9/10

10. The Woggles, "Flash Flood" -- Some '90s surf rock from a collection of '90s surf rock. Pretty indistinguishable from all the others. 4/10

Alright, that's a 6.1 average on the day. Not cool by any stretch of the imagination, but an improvement on last week.

Let's have your own FRTs and your assorted smartassery in the comments.

Whither the Boomerang

When I was a kid, there was nothing cooler than boomerangs. Maybe it was the name, maybe it was the cool way it looked when you threw it, maybe it was because nobody would play with me. Sure, usually they didn't actually come back to you, and if it did come back you probably sustained lifelong finger damage. But dammit, you weren't cool if you didn't have one.

So now I'm looking for a boomerang for the kids (well, really so I can show them how cool I look when I play with a boomerang), and I can't find one anywhere. At Dicks and Modells the teen "workers" looked at me like I asked for a pet rock. I know, I can get them online, but I tells ya, a sports store that doesn't carry boomerangs just seems un-American to me.

"Good News, Everyone!"

This is outstanding:

A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox Television confirms that the cable net has ordered 26 new episodes of Matt Groening and David X. Cohen’s late, great animated series to air beginning in 2010. The studio cites Futurama’s “blockbuster” performance on DVD and in reruns on Comedy Central as the reason for its rebirth. [...]

“When we brought back Family Guy several years ago, everyone said that it was a once in a lifetime thing — that canceled series stay canceled and cannot be revived,” 20th Century Fox TV Chairmen Gary Newman and Dana Walden said in a joint statement. “But Futurama was another series that fans simply demanded we bring back, and we couldn’t have been happier when Matt and David agreed that there were many more stories yet to tell.”

For all of you who never got into the show -- remember when the Simpsons started to really suck, around season eight? It's because the writers and producers took all their funny shit and moved it over to Futurama.

And now Zoidberg is the popular one!

Caption Contest

It's been far too long since we had a caption contest, and this little beauty is begging for it.

The photo. Not Barbara Bush.

Alright, I need to go bleach my eyes.

Han Solo, p.i.

It's not as good a ripoff as "Wiggum, p.i.", but it'll do.

Where's My Cheap Swine?

So we had the swine flu (biggest disappointment since cat scratch fever), and everyone is afraid of pork. Yeah, it's stupid, but it's America. So how come I can't get a good price on pork? $1.99/lb for pork chops? come on, we can do better.

Friday Random Ten

Alright, I make no promises. But for today, at least, it's time for a Friday Random Ten.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with all internet traditions, I'm setting the iTunes to random, writing down the first ten songs that come up -- with no backsies! -- and then rating them on a 1-to-10 scale that's about as arbitrary as every other single 1-to-10 scale. (I'm looking at you, Olympic ice dancing judges!)

And. Here. We. Go!

1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Bonita Applebaum [Sir Piers & Si Ashton's Curious House Mix]" -- I think I just used up all my post space with that title. This is from a random CD I grabbed ages ago called New School vs. Old School, Vol. 2, and it's pretty much what the title suggests, a trancy little house remix of some old Tribe. I can't remember the last time I even heard this, but it's not too shabby. Is that Ron Burgundy on the jazz flute? Why yes. Yes it is. 7/10

2. Propellerheads, "Take California" -- If it's a song they once used in ads to hawk the iPod, that's a pretty good sign of the rump-shaking capabilities. (But holy shit, that original iPod looks like a goddamn Betamax. Those things weighed eight pounds, if I remember correctly.) Anyway, solid tune. 9/10

3. Sly and the Family Stone, "Soul Clappin'" -- One of my favorite albums by these folks is the earlier, often overlooked Dance to the Music. This is off that one, but the song itself is not exactly one of my favorites. Still, it's Sly Stone. Who the hell are you? 6/10

4. Gipsyland, "Salaam" -- Apparently, I once owned Buddha Bar V and yes, this sounds like a CD hawked by a hip Parisian bar. Sort of a Middle Eastern version of the Gipsy Kings. Eh. 5/10

5. Beck, "Jack-Ass" -- Ah, this is a nice one. It features a nicely looped sample from Them's "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue," but puts a nice spin on it while preserving the groove of the original. Even though I always think it's the original when this one comes up at first, this is solid work of classic, pre-Scientology Beck. 8/10

6. The Afghan Whigs, "True Love Travels on a Gravel Road" -- This comes off the Uptown Avondale EP, which is a set of five cover songs. This one never really did much for me, as it's sleepy enough to induce a coma if you're not careful. Elvis and Nick Lowe gave better versions of "True Love," in my opinion, and on this EP, the song is strongly overshadowed by the terrific covers the Whigs do of Freda Payne's "Band of Gold" and the Supremes' "Come See About Me." 3/10

7. Jimmy Castor Bunch, "Hey Leroy, Your Mama's Callin' You" -- I'm not sure why Jimmy Castor felt the need to badger Leroy so much in their songs, but I have a sneaking feeling it all ended badly. 6/10

8. Paul Simon, "Born at the Right Time" -- This album, Rhythm of the Saints, was largely forgotten in the wake of the masterpiece of Graceland, but it's pretty damn good all on its own. This is a sweet one, and after "The Obvious Child," the best of the bunch. 7/10

9. Joe Dassin, "Les Champs-Élysées" -- Why, yes, I did purchase the soundtrack for The Darjeeling Limited. Thanks, iTunes, for making the Kinks' "Strangers" unavailable for purchase in any other form. Without that rule, I wouldn't own this apparent tribute to Maurice Chevalier. 2/10

10. Coldplay, "I'll See You Soon" -- Ah, fuck me. This is from a CD some friends made for their wedding. I can't even bring myself to listen to it, so I'm going to take a zero for the team. 0/10

Well, that didn't end well. With those last two stinkers factored in, I'm averaging a stellar 5.3 on the day. Hmm. Maybe this feature should've remained in mothballs.

Alright, feel free to pick apart my songs and ratings in the comments, but better yet, throw out your own random ten.

I Heart Heart

The Decemberists may be indie rock darlings, but they always seem to bust out a terrific cover song in concert. I saw them several years back, and they joined Death Cab for Cutie on stage for an encore performance of "Hungry Like the Wolf." Fuck and yes.

Anyway, here they are rocking out Heart's "Crazy for You." Enjoy.

Summer Lovin'

With the end of the regular season of television, we're about to be inundated with a summer full of bargain-bin network programming like So You Think You Can Yodel? and America's Top Bass Fisherman.

While some people will try to fill the void of decent programming by enduring the waking coma known as Major League Baseball or the morphine drip of golf -- sorry, I had to pause and yawn just typing that -- there are other shows out there on the non-network stations. So, unless you're Amish and don't have cable, let me recommend some shows to check out.

Breaking Bad: After the success they had with "Mad Men," AMC has put out another impressive-as-hell show with this one.

For the uninitiated, it stars the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" as a chemistry teacher who becomes a meth kingpin. (No, I'm not high.) The rest of the cast is terrific -- Bob Odenkirk has a recurring role as a strip mall Tom Hagen consigliere/lawyer, for instance -- but Cranston is just fucking amazing. There's a reason he won the Emmy for his first season work, and this season is even better.

If you liked "The Shield" or "The Sopranos," check this out. It's nearing the end of the run, but AMC should be showing it again in repeats.

Party Down: This season just wrapped up, but I'd be surprised if Starz -- yes, that's a real cable network -- doesn't re-run this on an infinite loop. It's a dark comedy about a catering company. There's an amazing regular ensemble which includes a lot of hey-I-know-that-guy! supporting actors like Adam Scott and Martin Starr (everything Judd Apatow), Ken Marino ("The State"), and Jane Lynch ("Best in Show"). The weekly guest stars are pretty great too -- Stephen Webber from "Wings" did a bit as a Russian mobster that was hysterical, and Ed Begley played a weed-and-Viagra hustler on the make at a seniors' singles seminar. (No, I'm still not high.)

Burn Notice: This one is on the USA Network, which has also come a hell of a long way in original programming lately. Again, for the uninitiated, it's about a spy who's blackballed from the profession and left to his own devices in Miami. I came to this one really late, after hearing how great it was from too many people. What won me over was their casting Bruce Campbell as the sidekick. The new season starts up soon, and this seems to be an easy one to join in late.

Anything else good on? It's a long hot summer until we get football and fall programming. Let's talk.

Jesse Ventura Beats Up a Girl

Actually, make that three girls.

He bitchslaps Sean Hannity here and makes Brian Kilmeade of "Fox and Fuhrers" look like the bunched-panties tool he is here.

Creeping Socialism

Courtesy of Balloon Juice, the single best smackdown to the titans of industry who still don't fucking get it.

I see little reason to give credence to those alarmists who see the Chrysler case setting a dangerous precedent. With the admittedly substantial exception of General Motors—whose existing creditors should be busy stocking up on Vaseline, ball gags, and Motrin—I cannot fathom why the government would want to get more broadly involved in corporate restructurings. The process causes massive amounts of brain damage, absolutely nobody likes the result—with the possible exception of the lunatic fringe on the left—and it sets up the Administration for all sorts of political pain in the future. There is absolutely no upside and tons of downside, which is a situation so anathema to politicians that most of them spend their entire careers dodging difficult decisions that would land them in such soup. Obama cannot be happy about it, unless he is an idiot or a nut. I will hazard an educated guess that he is neither.

The whole thing is great. Forward it on to the wingnuts in your life.

Well, Somebody Has Time to Bleed

I would give anything to see this.

RIP, Dom DeLuise

Never Go Full Retard

This is like watching the Hindenberg explode.

And as Michelle Bachmann will explain to you, with her deep knowledge of history, the Hindenberg was a spaceship designed by Alfred Einstein that blew up and killed the Wright Brothers.

Freedumb

This is some powerfully strong stupid from Sen. Jim DeMint.

CNN's Rick Sanchez reacts to it like he's been hit in the face by a skunk. And rightfully so.

The Breaking Point

Not even Fox News's own anchors are buying its bullshit anymore.

LLatPoN Classic: Maddening

Given the exciting news that semifunctional mongoloid John Madden is retiring -- or being mercy-killed, a la Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" -- I thought it would be nice to repost an old favorite from 2005.

Enjoy. Or don't. See if I care.

As regular readers of LLatPoN will recognize, the bloggers here are all 100% American. And as such, we're all ridiculously huge football fans.

The fall is a holy time for us, as it brings not just the return of the NFL and college ball, but enough related activity -- like fantasy leagues and an extra thirty or so hours of TV time -- to fill the voids that are our lives. My wife blessedly lets me have Sundays to myself, my friends and my DirecTV NFL Uberfan package, and I enter a warm and friendly womb in which NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is my benevolent and wise ruler.

So I love football; I live for football. But as the modern-day poets of Poison reminded us, every rose has its thorns. And the biggest, fattest, dumbest thorn of football season is, without doubt, John Madden.

I know there are people for whom Madden embodies all that's great about football, but I have it on good authority that all such people are communists. Madden may have had good days with the Raiders way back when and he might have lucked into endorsing the hottest NFL video game, but at his current job -- color commentary -- he is absofuckinglutely horrible.

A good color man will offer insight on the game, thoughts on why a certain kind of offensive play worked, what kind of coverage the defense is using, what strategies are being employed and what adjustments are being made on the fly. Madden, however, tends to offer the kind of color commentary that would come from a seeing-eye dog: He simply describes what's happening as if you didn't see it yourself, and he does so with the intelligence of a slightly retarded labrador retriever. A slightly retarded labrador retriever who likes to yell "BOOM!" a lot.

His commentary during the action generally veers between the obvious and the oblivious. Here's a pearl of wisdom that just came down live: "It's almost impossible to play offensive football without an offensive line." Really? Who knew? If his comments aren't empty to begin with, they slowly circle into nothingness, like a turd in the toilet bowl. This isn't an exact quote -- remembering it perfectly would cause me to slip into a coma -- but there was a line from tonight's game that went something like this: "You see, Robert Ferguson can give you the short catch, and he can give you a medium catch, and he can give you a long catch too. So there are a lot of catches he can make, and he made one there. A good medium catch."

The instant replay is normally where a color man shines, but for Madden it's where the inanity shines through. Most of his replay commentary falls into two categories. First is the hey-didja-see-that? style that would've been perfect for the golden age of radio, but which doesn't really add much to the televised game. Yes, John, I saw that one guy hit that other guy real good and then the one guy fell down. Thanks for the insight. Second is the telestrator replay, where Madden gets to play with his crayons all over the pretty screen. There is nothing too inconsequential or too obvious that Madden can't break out the telestrator and dumb it down more. I once saw him circle the different kinds of cleats on a running back's shoes. Gripping, John. Gripping.

Alright, halftime's over. Back to the game and the ageless wisdom of the man who created the turducken. Thank God I have Lionel Hutz's wisdom to guide me. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

Turd Blossom

And it's Jonathan Chait for the win.

Tea Bagging

This may be the single greatest moment in cable news history.

See if you can count how many sexual puns Schuster crams into this segment. I lost count at twenty or so.

History, Who Knows? We'll All Be Dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, the George W. Bush Presidential Librarium.

If You're Lucky, Ladies, He'll Show You His "O" Face

Audio clips from Bill O'Reilly's novel available over at the Village Voice blog.

I thought about picking one sample, but it's just impossible to choose one.

I mean, do I go with a short snappy clip like Bill saying "I wish I were a lesbian"? Or do I go with an extended, disturbingly graphic sex scene?

Seriously, I dare you to try and listen to just one clip.

They're like Pringles -- stale, white, and best consumed by the handful.

CNBCockblocked

If you missed last night's epic showdown between Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer, holy crap.

It was like watching Mike Tyson mercilessly kick the everloving shit out of a third-grade girl. (Not only did he humiliate Cramer, but he might have gotten Cramer a nice little SEC investigation of his own.) In thirty years, they're going to revisit this interview as a full-length movie, sort of a cross between "Frost/Nixon" and "When We Were Kings." Stew-art, boom-a-ye! Stew-art, boom-a-ye!

You can check out the full interview online, including bits that had to be edited out for time. Part 1 of 3 is available on the Comedy Central website here.

They had me at the carrots

This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more

Dear Porn Producers

Enough with the spitting already.

Thanks, etc.

Mr. Jindal's Neighborhood

I still say that Bobby Jindal sounded exactly like Kenneth the Page from "30 Rock," but this take is simpler and even more devastating.



Update: And now, a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

F vs S

It isn't even close


the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

The Audacity of Nope

Stephen Colbert has been bringing his A-game lately. Last night's installment of "The Wørd" was priceless.

High Five Inauguration

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos

Inauguration Memories

Me and the wife, talking on Tuesday afternoon.

Me: "... Not a bad day so far. I had that Bush's Homestyle Chili for lunch. Pretty good for premade stuff."
Wife: "So you're celebrating the inauguration by shitting out some Bushes?"

She's a keeper, folks.

President Obama

For eight years, living in the United States has felt like riding in the backseat of a runaway cab driven at top speed by a drunken mental patient who cut out the seat belts to make a special hat that would keep the aliens from Zeltron-5 from stealing his precious bodily fluids.

And now all of a sudden, there's been a shift change and we have someone at the wheel who's smart, reflective, and competent. I know I can start to unclench my buttocks, but it's going to take a little while before I get used to the new guy.

Taibbi v. Friedman

For Matt Taibbi, the aching idiocy of Thomas Friedman is a sore tooth he just can't stop touching.

In Hot, Flat and Crowded, the money shot comes when Friedman starts doodling on a napkin over lunch with Moisés Naím, editor of Foreign Policy magazine. The pre-lunching Friedman starts drawing, and the wisdom just comes pouring out:

I laid out my napkin and drew a graph showing how there seemed to be a rough correlation between the price of oil, between 1975 and 2005, and the pace of freedom in oil-producing states during those same years.

Friedman then draws his napkin-graph, and much to the pundit’s surprise, it turns out that there is almost an exact correlation between high oil prices and “unfreedom”! The graph contains two lines, one showing a rising and then descending slope of “freedom,” and one showing a descending and then rising course of oil prices.

Friedman plots exactly four points on the graph over the course of those 30 years. In 1989, as oil prices are falling, Friedman writes, “Berlin Wall Torn Down.” In 1993, again as oil prices are low, he writes, “Nigeria Privatizes First Oil Field.” 1997, oil prices still low, “Iran Calls for Dialogue of Civilizations.” Then, finally, 2005, a year of high oil prices: “Iran calls for Israel’s destruction.”

I looked at this and thought: “Gosh, what a neat trick!” Then I sat down and drew up my own graph, called SIZE OF VALERIE BERTINELLI’S ASS, 1985-2008, vs. HAPPINESS. It turns out that there is an almost exact correlation!

Read the whole thing.

"Kent, I'd Be Lying If I Said My Men Weren't Committing Crimes"

Incredible piece in The Nation about racial vigilantes in New Orleans after Katrina. Go. Now.

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion by Zach Galifianakis

Tennessean is Tennebelievin'

This is twelve kinds of awesome.

Update: Now with a delicious video.

The Wire Rap-Up

This is pretty damn good. A five-minute rap song, by the aptly named Mad Skillz, that recaps the entire five-season run of "The Wire."

If -- for some ungodly reason -- you've never actually watched "The Wire," also known as The Greatest Fucking Television Show of All-Time, then be warned that this is chocked full of spoilers.

And seriously, if you've never watched "The Wire," you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What are you, Amish? No? You spend time watching TV and you haven't watched the crowning accomplishment of the medium? Turn off "Two and a Half Men," sack up, and enjoy the ride.

More Like the BS System! AMIRIGHT?

Pretty good piece at Slate on the atrocities of the BCS. Enjoy.

The Federal Fluffer Act of 2009

Look out, folks. According to this CNN report, the pervert's baaaaaaaack!

Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry. ...

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow. But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."

So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request.

I find it hard to believe that they can't find a sponsor for this. Surely, Sen. David Vitter can take time out from his Republican family values speeches and his prostitutes-and-Pampers funplay to help out an ailing industry that has given him so much.

Hush Your Mouth

Stolen from a Balloon Juice posting. You're welcome.