Fortress America vs. "The Onion"

In the GOP spirit of ending pointless lawsuits, making the government less corrupt, and focused on preserving American values at home and abroad, the Bush administration has turned its laser focus to the weekly periodical "The Onion."

No, this is not a joke. Well, the administration is a joke, but this story is not. Please continue reading.

"It has come to my attention that The Onion is using the presidential seal on its Web site," Grant M. Dixton, associate counsel to the president, wrote to The Onion on Sept. 28. (At the time, Mr. Dixton's office was also helping Mr. Bush find a Supreme Court nominee; days later his boss, Harriet E. Miers, was nominated.)

Citing the United States Code, Mr. Dixton wrote that the seal "is not to be used in connection with commercial ventures or products in any way that suggests presidential support or endorsement."

Just in case you haven't been following the faux presidential addresses and other Onion stories, titles include:

• "Bush to Appoint Someone to Be in Charge of Country;"
• "Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion;"
• "Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents;"
• "Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President;"
• "Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet;"
• "Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics;"
• "Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier;'"
• "Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time;"

Yes, my friends, the administration, which was supposed to cut through bureaucracy and inject a healthy dose of Texas-sized common sense, issues this statement via Trent Duffy:

"You can't pick and choose where you want to enforce the rules surrounding the use of official government insignia, whether it's for humor or fraud."

Very well. I believe, Mr. Bush, it is time. Time to unleash these "Very Special Forces" to bring the fight to the insurgents... and have a pudding cup.