Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Congress Attacks Gambling, Parenthood

So the wife is pregnant with what appears to be my baby (she started kicking moments after my Italian homeboys won the World Cup, so I'm pretty sure she's mine), and we have toyed with the possibility of me, the designated bread winner and sabertooth tiger slayer, doing the stay-at-home fathering thing, at least for awhile (i.e., until my employer discovers that I don't actually have amoria phlebitis). While this would have many benefits, such as watching favorite CHiPs episodes on TBS, wearing PJs all day, and flirting with the mailman, I would still need to mollify my manly drive to earn money and help with the bills.

The perfect gig would allow me to stay at home (in the PJs, of course) with the kid while bringing in the dough. It would allow me to take lots of breaks to hose down the baby and put some food in her bowl, and the pay would be requisite to my high educational and social standing. Only one job description fits: online gambler. I'd probably be more of a card player than a sports better, as all that stuff about overs and unders and parlays sounds, quite frankly, a little homo to me. No, it's got to be black jack or that hold'em thing the kids love so much.

But wait! It seems that some congresspersons don't think I should be able to support my family. They want me to drive to freakin' Atlantic City with my kid strapped to the roofrack. Get this crapfest:
Gamblers who prefer their laptops to blackjack tables won't like what Congress is doing. On Tuesday, the House plans to vote on a bill that would ban credit cards for paying online bets and could padlock gambling Web sites. The legislation would clarify existing law to spell out that it is illegal to gamble online.
What the legislation would really spell out is that Congress hates stay-at-home fathers. But you know who really gets hurt? The children. Instead of learning important lessons about the value of education (as I gamble with her college fund) and the importance of getting money for absolutely no work, she'll be watching that damned baby Einstein crap and singing "two plus two is four, two plus two is four" along with Barney.


Mike said...

They just can't leave us alone.


* * *

As a lawyer-wishing-he-could-blog-for-a-livin, I'm most intrigued by your ideas.

Maybe Ron Paul can stump for your individual liberty.

Confused? Well that's cause it was a thinly-veiled stump for a post on my own blog (if I'm gonna make this stay at home/earn money thing work, I have to practice my shameless plugging skills).

Seriously though, check this out:


Yossarian said...

As a stay at home dad myself, you just have to be more creative now-a-days. I myself strap my child in her baby Bjorn as I take sucker's money in a classic "3-card monty" scam on the corner of my local suburb.

Also don't forget about online "day trading". It's just like gambling, but there is less chance of winning.

Thrillhous said...

Thanks for the advice, guys. I especially like the day trading idea. If I went that route, it'd be an excuse to watch the guy on CNBC whose eyes are always about to bug out. I think they call him "Madman" or something. Yeah, lemme get my stock tips from "madman".

Mike said...

The percentage of stay-at-home dads on the blogosphere must be over 75%.

Man, I better knock my wife up already, so I can stay home all day and fiddle around on-line and write snarky, self-referential posts on my blog.

Fun gettin her in the family way, fun after the little bundle a' joy arrives.

It's a can't lose move.

Tokyo Joe said...

I got an even better scam, er I mean job for you: Mining for gold and exp on World of Warcraft and Everquest. Just think about it - playing video games all day and then selling the virtual gold you get for real cash on ebay. That would be the sweet life alright. Getting paid to play video games and having a sugar mamma bring home the bacon. what makes it even better is that when she complains and tells you that you are spending too much time playing games, you can shoot right back with the fact that you have a career too and you are really working hard for the family.

Mr Furious said...

Congrats Thrillhouses (Mr and Mrs)!!

The Furiouses are right there with you. Number two on the way. No kicking yet, too early.

I was working at home freelancing when my daughter was born, and I loved being there for everything. Didn't go back to "real" work til she was two, so I got to see all the fun stuff. Good times. I highly recommend it.

Thrillhous said...

Wow, Mike's 75% theory seems to be true! Who knew there were so many stay-at-home fathers on the internets?

Great idea, Tokyo. Selling WoW weapons and characters on eBay could be my ticket to ride. If the wife accuses me of goofing off, all I say is "Well, I slayed a battalion of orcs today, what did you do?"

Thanks, team Furious, for the kind wishes. I go back and forth between thinking the fathering thing will be great and thinking it's the biggest mistake in the history of western civilization. It's always good to hear positive stories about staying home with the kid.

By the way, Yos, a week ago I wouldn't have even known what a "baby Bjorn" was. I just can't believe how much stuff there is to buy for a baby.

norbizness said...

God, Wilmer Valderrama was BORN to play Ponch.

sideshow bob said...

Won't somebody please think of the children?!?

Thrillhous said...

Ha! I forgot all about Wilmer playing Ponch in the new movie. Maybe he can imitate the patented Erik Estrada swagger, but will he go the distance and have extra large, extra white teeth installed? It ain't Ponch if you can't see his teeth at 200 paces.

Thrillhous said...

Won't somebody please think of the children?!?

Well played, SB. I also would have accepted "That's not America, that's not even Mexico."

S.W. Anderson said...

I suppose online gambling and day trading are OK if you want to die by inches financially. However, if you want your real wealth to go out like a Taepodong-2, step up to futures trading or a major hedge fund stake. Equivalent to going over Niagara Falls strapped to a keg.

As for the legislation, prohibitions of this kind always cause more trouble than they prevent. But hey, why would a history of unremitting failure stand in the way of Republicans trying to rev up the fundamentalist base? Excepting Bill Bennett, of course.

Congratulations on the addition to your family.

norbizness said...

And after the movie bombs, will he become the voice of Marco in Sealab 2041 and then sell real-estate opportunities in Arkansas on infomercials?

Mrs_Thrillhous said...

I hope WoW isn't one of those engrossing games that would render a baby's cry inaudible, T'hous, cuz you'd be in real trouble if you forgot to feed her!

Instead of fretting about dribbles of money going to the Caribbean, Congress should focus on key factors of the trade deficit instead. For instance, almost every baby item I've looked at recently was made in China. I didn't know we were incapable of making teethers and wood blocks and onesies.

Ah, now there's an idea for a home-based business for T'hous: sew baby clothes! I'll let you run the A/C, so you won't sweat.