Chokin' on My Own Rage Here

For all of you who were worried about where disgraced former FEMA Head Michael Brown would find work in the aftermath of his staggering incompetence, worry no more. Brown has just been hired as a consultant. For FEMA. To investigate what went wrong with FEMA's response to Katrina.

We'll pause for a second so you can ask if they are, in fact, fucking kidding.

Done? Great.

You know, I'm really starting to think that the administration's staggering incompetence is a result of the fact that Bush only knows a handful of people. Need somebody to review FEMA's mistakes? Call Brownie. Sure, he fucked things up pretty royally when he was there, but I think he's free these days. Need someone to oversee the disaster relief for the Gulf Coast? Um, let's see... How about Karl Rove? Sure, he's a political crony with no experience in that sort of thing, but that's never stopped us before! Need someone to improve diplomatic relations with the Middle East? Let's send Karen Hughes. Sure, she has zero experience with the region, and it's probably a bad idea to send Ms. Man Hands to an area not known for its love of strong, aggressive women, but Karl and Brownie are busy. I mean, who else could we send?

Meanwhile, President Bubble Boy -- last seen here -- is once again busy staffing other important jobs with friends and family members. Who should be appointed head of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for the Department of Homeland Security? How about Julie Myers? Sure, she has zero experience in this sort of thing, but she's the niece of JCS Chairman Richard Myers and the new bride of DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff's Chief of Staff. She's probably picked up a rough working knowledge at the dinner table. She's got to be as qualified as Janet Rehnquist, Eugene Scalia or Michael Powell, right? Or Liz Cheney and her husband? Or the various brothers of Scott McClellan, Mitch Daniels, and Ken Mehlman?

I wonder where George W. Bush got the idea that someone could and should be entrusted with a top-level government position simply because their family members had already done so. Weird.

All Hail Google

As Google continues their march from cute start-up to internet powerhouse to the Borg, we can enjoy the fruits of their labor along the way.

Here is the new Chris Rock show, commercial free, legal - on Google Video

Caption Contest II: Electric Boogaloo

Like I said, I'm trying not to overdo the caption contest, but the Photo-Opper in Chief just keeps giving and giving. Have at it.

UPDATE: Yes, of course, it's probably photo-shopped. But I'm going to use the same standard of proof the administration has used towards WMDs in Iraq. All appearances to the contrary, there's a possibility it's true, and if so, why do you hate America?

It's the Corruption, Stupid

So we've got cronyism rampant in the White House, a widening ethics scandal spreading from Jack Abramoff to a number of key Republicans, and now Bill Frist's clearance sale of his stocks. There are so many ethics and corruption scandals cropping up in Republican circles that even the media is starting to notice:

Two federal inquiries into Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's stock sales have handed Democrats a chance to broaden their long-stated claim that Republicans push ethical boundaries and focus on laws that help the rich, political analysts said yesterday.

Until now, such accusations have centered on the House and White House. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (Tex.) has been chastised three times by the chamber's ethics committee, and a Texas grand jury recently indicted a political action committee he had organized. The Bush administration's top federal procurement official, David H. Safavian, was arrested last week on charges of obstructing a criminal investigation into lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who has close ties to DeLay and other prominent GOP lawmakers.

Now, with the revelation that federal prosecutors and the Securities and Exchange Commission are looking into Frist's sale of hospital stock shortly before its value fell, Democrats are expanding their ethics accusations into the Senate's GOP leadership ranks.

Activists in both parties agree it is much too early to say whether Frist (R-Tenn.) engaged in insider trading, a charge that could cripple his 2008 presidential hopes. But the mere launch of inquiries by the SEC and the Justice Department allows Democrats to claim that both House and Senate majority leaders operate under ethical clouds.

"It is a drip, drip, drip," said former House majority leader Tony Coelho (D-Calif.), who knows the corrosive power of ethics charges. Coelho, who resigned in 1989 following accusations about a loan deal, said, "With DeLay and now Frist, it's a buildup of arrogance of power. . . . With [President] Bush's numbers down, this could be a very negative thing for the Republicans."

If the Democrats don't pound the corruption issue every single day of the 2006 campaign, then it's official that they're being led by retarded eunuchs. The GOP turned a bogus check-bouncing scandal in the House into a cause for throwing the bums out back in '92 and '94, but now we're talking about much bigger problems for much bigger politicians. I mean, when's the last time the Senate Majority Leader and the House Majority Leader were both involved in ethics scandals at the same time? Much less at the same time the president of the same party was sinking faster than Rosemary Clooney in the Poseidon Adventure?

And please don't tell me that voters won't care about Frist's actions. He did exactly what Martha Stewart did, and what's good for the tarragon-infused, soy-glazed goose is certainly good for the gander.

UPDATE: The LA Times has a nice piece on Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, a watchdog group that has just unveiled its list of the 13 most corrupt politicians in Washington. Tellingly, 11 of the 13 are Republicans.

Frickin' Toxic Darts

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Link

I Heart Huckabee

...although it seems he might not return the favor.

At a recent appearance in Polk County, Iowa -- a nice place to start planting seeds for a presidential bid -- Governor Mike Huckabee (R-Slim Fast™) recounted a story about a trip he and his daughter made to Yad Vashem, the Jewish people's memorial to those lost in the Holocaust. As they toured the site, Huckabee wondered if his daughter would get the message:

"Would she understand why it is so important that people, like us, have to get involved in our own government... why we can't just sit back and allow people to take our country from us?"

I watched my daughter as she took that pen [to sign the guest book] .... I'll never forget it as long as I live... these are the simple words she wrote:

"Why didn't somebody do something?"

"And I thought, you know, what a shame if someday some father took a daughter through a memorial dedicated to the memory of America... and a father would have to watch his daughter write these words about our country:

"Why didn't somebody do something."

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, the reason you need to work hard in Polk County next year, the reason that it is important that you sign up to help candidates get elected who believe like you believe...is because you're the somebodys and you gotta do the something, because if you don't and I don't, who will? And if we don't do it now, when will it get done?

Somebody has got to do something.

Aside from the fact that this may be the emptiest political slogan since Homer Simpson's "Can't Somebody Else Do It?", you have to admire the sheer testicular fortitude that Huckabee has here in equating voting for Republicans with standing up to Nazi genocide. Because, as we all know, Ted Kennedy is every bit as evil as Heinrich Himmler. And fatter, too!

If this is the way the Huckster is beginning his run for national office, I can't wait until the primaries force him to ratchet up the rhetoric. What's next? A warning that Democrats and their ally Herod will kill your first-born?

(Thanks to Musement Park for the tip.)

Caption Contest

I'm trying hard not to go to this well too many times, but President Photo Op just keeps delivering the goods. Have at it.

Church Chat

I have been considering a dedicated Judeo / Christian post for some time. I think I can speak for the majority of the editors at LLPON when I say we are fairly spiritual people. I would like to have this church chat just be a posting of a Bible quote. Simply a reminder that as much as the right claims to have a monopoly on values and faith - generally, when you are pointing a finger, you are really pointing the finger back at your own insecurities.

And so to kick it off... Matthew 5:38-40. And Jesus said:

You have heard that it is said, 'Eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn him to the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him take your cloak as well.

Et Tu Novak?

Here's a test. Line up the thing conservatives hate with reality.

ISSUE______________________REALITY
1) Change _______________(A) Wildly fluctuating gas prices & supply
2) Fast change, ___________(B) Massive Budget Defect
3) Fast change with business, _(C) Iraq
4) Fast change to business ___(D) Raising interest rates
__ & losing money



(ANSWER)

Good news, there are no wrong answers to this test. Apparently, even the GOP establishment is finally admitting this as well.

Enjoy Mr. Novak's observations....

Crazy Pills - Sonny's Gas Solution

Governor Requests School Closings (AJC.com)

Governor Sonny Perdue has announced that he has requested that all the state's school systems take an "early snow day" and close on Monday and Tuesday of next week in a fuel saving measure as a result of Hurricane Rita.

Umm... Will 2 days really save much fuel assuming more plants are damaged in the gulf? This decision raises more concerns than it calms....

Everything's coming up sodomy!

The times, they are a-changin. By that of course I mean that by the age of 24 one in three women has had anal sex. Forty percent of males have had anal sex by the age of 40 (and that's anal sex with a female, not the additional 3.7 percent who've had it with a male). I'm not making up these statistics. The federal government says so (PDF). I'm sure we're all aware that the recently-publicized increase of oral sex is due purely to Bill Clinton, but who should we blame this rampant spate of booty piracy? (My vote: Sen. Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum.)

You really have to stand in awe of a culture who are so terrified of two people of the same sex engaging in sodomy, while opposite sex sodomy is no big deal. (Can we call behavior engaged by more than a third of the population "uncommon" or "atypical?") A higher percentage of Americans have had heterosexual anal sex than smoke cigarettes, for example.

At its root, I'm convinced that this is what homophobia is all about. People who are scared of gay people are not frightened of God's wrath. They're not frightened "for the sake of the children." They aren't afraid for the "foundational principles" of marriage. They're simply frightened by the very idea that someone on this planet might occasionally enjoy being sodomized by someone of the same sex. People are strange.

I cannot leave before giving a reference to this public service announcement.

Can't win for losing

The Catholic Church seems hellbent on destroying the most beautiful things about itself while promoting the ugliest. I'm starting to wonder if the Catholic hierarchy truly understands why the chastity rule exists. Priests are not celibate because sex is evil; they are celibate so that they can be completely devoted to their family (i.e. their parish). When someone has a family (and in the Church marriage is a precursor to sex which is a precursor to family), that becomes their #1 priority. Most people sacrifice much for their nuclear family, slowing down their careers and making less money than they would unencumbered by responsibilites. The priesthood is not designed to be a job, but a calling. You give up everything -- including the prospect of a spouse (see Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ) -- in order to guide a group of strangers in their quest to get closer to God. This is an all-consuming, incredibly noble goal; one that I could never dream of attaining. It is all the more noble when you realize that priests are human beings, and human beings are constantly tempted to do all kinds of crazy things (just like Jesus was). You see, it is completely normal to be tempted by all of those deadly sins. The strength lies in being able to overcome them. It seems that the Catholic Church -- a beacon for social justice -- needs some guidance right about now. It matters not whether a priest wants to engage in hot man-on-man sex or a Hawaiian muscle fuck. The trick is to remain emotionally unencumbered so that your flock can rely on you through all the births, deaths, and spiritual crises that come every minute of every day. Amen.

Friday Random Ten

That's right. The Best of the Singing Postman. You no longer have to carry around all his albums, that crateload of bootleg tapes, and the lock of his hair you got from sleeping with that roadie at Tiger Stadium. No, at long last, they've searched through everything and come up with his best work. Thank God.

Alright, you know what this means -- time for the Friday Random Ten. Get out whatever thingamajig you use to play those new-fangled electronic songs, set it on random, and give us the first ten songs that come forth from the spirit world. And, as always, if you're ready to run with the big kids, give us a Coolness Self-Audit as well.

Last week, someone finally thought to ask for an explanation of the Coolness Self-Audit. First of all, remember that it's an optional addition to the FRT, sort of like power windows and curly fries. But if you decide to go with it, here's a handy rule of thumb:

0: painfully uncool
1-4: bad enough to change the station
5-6: classic tune, but one everyone knows
7-8: rarer, a little off the beaten track
9-10: so cool it would impress a snotty record-store clerk

Got it? Alright, here's mine:

1. Overlord, "Love Goes Home to Paris in the Spring" -- Found this recently on a website devoted to Magnetic Fields covers. While I'm a fan of both the Magnetic Fields and cover songs in general, this doesn't seem to have much spirit. Eh. 6/10

2. Mudhoney, "Good Enough" -- A surprisingly accessible song off an otherwise mediocre album, Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge. Still, it's strummeriffic! 8/10

3. The Frogs, "I've Got Drugs (Out of the Mist)" -- How do you explain the Frogs? Well, it's sort of like the Gimp and Zed from Pulp Fiction drank a cask of absinthe and formed a band. Other song titles include "Hot Cock Annie," a tune that sounds like it could be subtitled "Love Theme from 'The Aristocrats.'" Back when I tended bar, we used to play this album when we were closing up and trying to get rid of the frat boys. Worked every time. 10/10

4. Radiohead, "Wish You Were Here" -- Hmm, another cover. Maybe I have a problem. From the B-Sides compilation, a surprisingly faithful rendition of the Pink Floyd classic. 6/10

5. Dinah Washington with Cootie Williams' Orchestra, "Long John Blues" -- One of the sweetest, dirtiest jazz songs ever recorded. Supposedly about a trip to the dentist, but not quite. "He took out his trusty drill / And he told me to open wide / He said he wouldn't hurt me / But he'd fill my hole inside / Long John, Long John, you've got that golden touch / You thrill me when you drill me, and I need you very much." Every time I hear this song, I need a cold shower. And a fluoride rinse. 10/10

6. Throwing Muses, "Not Too Soon" -- Throwing Muses were a powerhouse of righteous, estrogen-fueled, indie rock back in the early 1990s, before Tanya Donnelly and Kristin Hersch went their separate ways. This is them at their peak. 8/10

7. Dr. John, "Mama Roux" -- A classic bit of creepin' New Orleans soul. While some say that the fact that Dr. John is not, in fact, a real doctor somehow diminishes the healing powers of his music, I strongly disagree. Look at the man. That beret screams "trust me." 7/10

8. King Tee and Ice Cube, "Get Your Girl in the Mood Quicker" -- Another song I discovered trolling the internets for free music. This is from a collection of classic commercials for St. Ides Malt Liquor, and it just so happens to be my favorite. "Get your girlie in the mood quicker / Get your jimmy thicker / with St. Ide's Malt Liquor." Damn, that boy's a Shakespeare! 10/10

9. RX, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" -- Wow, a third cover. I do have a problem. But this cover is unique: the vocals are completely culled from the speeches of George W. Bush, set to an electronica background. Sounds bizarre, I know, but it actually works quite well. Especially when they replace Bono's "Let's go!" with Bush's "Let's roll!" 8/10

10. Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet, "13" -- These surf-guitar geniuses will forever be associated with the theme to "The Kids in the Hall," but there are certainly worse things in life than that. Still, this is fairly predictable stuff. Sounds like something Franky and Annette would listen to while they did the watusi. Or danced. 6/10

Well, that's a 7.9, continuing my slow and steady improvement over the past few weeks. Either I'm getting cooler, or we're experiencing the soft bigotry of low expectations.

Alright, let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Another Reason Why Atlanta Braves Fans Suck

Okay, I've just about reached my limit on staring at that giant hurripenis, so let me toss out a little sports invective to bump it down the page. Mrs. Thrillhous alerted me to this important article which demonstrates, for the one billionth time, that the Atlanta Braves have the worst fans ever.

Even as the Atlanta Braves close in on their 14th consecutive division title, their fans have already cinched up the top spot in another competition — worst public restroom hygiene in the nation.

The results of an annual survey released by the American Society of Microbiology on Wednesday reported that the hygiene at Atlanta's Turner Field was the worst of any venue in the 6,300 public restrooms monitored last month.

Maybe the city's motto should be changed to "The City Too Busy to Wash Up".

Caption Contest II: The Sequel

Sorry for doubling down on the caption contests, but this image from Crooks & Liars was just too good not to post. Have at it. (Figuratively speaking.)

Caption Contest

This image is getting captioned to death across the liberal blogosphere, but we all know Studiodave has a secret obsession with All Things Condi.

So have at it, and give us your best shot or shots in the comments below.

What's Worse?

Having so much smoke come out from the hood of your car that you think Tommy Chong's hiding inside? Or having to listen to an endless loop of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" while on hold with the mechanic?

Revenge of the Doughy Pantload

I'm happy to announce that professional douchebag Jonah Goldberg has a new column out about Hurricane Rita. As usual, Jonah's writing displays all the wit and compassion of the ingredients label of a Metamucil bottle. Once again, the leading proponent of South Park Conservatives, a.k.a. "morons," tries to use a little tongue-in-cheek humor to make his point, but ends up with a foot in his mouth.

The press was blindsided again. As Hurricane Rita barreled toward Key West, television news executives were unprepared to deal with the lamentable divide this storm would undoubtedly reveal between gay America and straight America.

You'd think the media would have learned their lesson. After Katrina, the press corps waited a full two days after the storm hit before it was able to report that one of America's poorest and blackest cities was full of poor and black people. Surely, this time around the Fourth Estate would hit the ground running with up-to-the-minute exposes on the "Other" Other America and trenchant-yet-lachrymose essays on What This Says About America, that one of America's zestiest gay resorts was left to twist in the wind.

The questions raised by unlovely Rita are as painful as they are obvious. Will gays stay behind in disproportionate numbers in this disproportionately gay city? If so, Why? If gay marriage were legalized, could some of this disaster be avoided? Would George W. Bush have responded more quickly if the victims were just a tad less stylish? And, of course: Will the federal government help keep Key West festive?

Why weren't reporters standing at the ready to caterwaul about the wreckage at their feet? Cher albums and the collected writings of James Wolcott strewn about like beer cans and pizza boxes in an apartment yet to be transformed by the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

It's almost like he's trying to sound mentally retarded. Sorry, Jonah. That'll get you an Emmy or an Oscar, but it won't win you the Pulitzer.

I do appreciate the snarkiness coming out of the right wing over the government's craptacular hurricane response. They're revealing their sense of entitlement and worldview of class privilege more than anything we on the left could ever say. Poor Jonah must still wonder why all those people stranded in New Orleans didn't just take some of their trust fund money, hop in their SUVs, and drive off to the cushy job that Mommy got them.

Inflate This!

Mrs. Thrillhous sent me an article this morning from CNN with the following intro:

Princeton wants to cut the number of undergraduates who receive "A-plus," "A" or "A-minus" grades to 35 percent. It got about halfway there last year, when 41 percent of grades were in the "A" range, said the study by the Faculty Committee on Grading.

First thoughts: They're telling teachers what percentage of "A's" they can give out? Isn't that kind of arbitrary? You'd think that a perfesser, especially one at the Ivy league schools, would be able to do his or her own grading.

Second thoughts: Wait a minute, am I showing sympathy for whiny ivy leaguers? Screw that! Somebody sing "Fair Harvard" so I can chuck my name plate at their head.

Third thought: They give out "A-plusses"?

The Onion

Normally, the titles are the best part of an Onion article, but this one just gets better and better as it goes on.

Let He With a Free Hand Cast the First Stone

Beseiged by hurricanes, terrorists, deficits and an ongoing disaster in Iraq, what is the Bush administration focusing on? Porn.

The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. And it's looking for a few good agents.

Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as "one of the top priorities" of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and, by extension, of "the Director." That would be FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III.
...

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

Sweet Jeebus. I thought this sort of stupidity went away when we got rid of boobie-hiding, porno-hating John Ashcroft as Scourgeon General. But it looks like Alberto Gonzales is going to continue the War on Onanism.

Awesome. I can't wait to see the perp walks for this little exercise in law enforcement. Actually, I can't wait to hear the rationale. Exactly what law is being broken here? And, no, a verse from the Book of Hebrews doesn't count. Something in the U.S. Criminal Code, I mean.

Hey, remember when conservatives wanted the government out of your lives?

Caption Contest

So much to say.... so little time....

Drop your caption ideas in the comments.

Are You There Gob? It's Me, Margaret...

I may not know you. But I can tell with one simple question if I like you - Do you like Fox's "Arrested Development"?

A "no" answer conveys any of the following attributes: (a) NO sense of humor, (b) takes life far too seriously, (c) holds some kind of institution (government, education, marriage, military) beyond judgment, and (d) thinks the American dream is the only path to happiness and heaven.

A "yes"? Welcome my friend. You understand that people who like money more than family look silly. That appearances (large house in a new housing development) can be misleading. You recognize that most families are not comprised of a single black sheep, but that black is the majority and the lily white ones are the freaks. You have been proud about something and fallen on your face - with no triumphal rise to victory as the credits roll.

You are the geeky kid whose parents dressed you longer than they should. You are the lazy schoolgirl who would rather lie than do a book report. You are the pothead whose asshole brother always takes advantage of your trust and kindness. You are the magician whose dream to be on the cover of "Poof - the Leading Illusionists Weekly" will always be smoke and mirrors.

So, dear friend, tonight at 8pm EST/7pm CST - sit back and enjoy the fact that this show can only survive for so long against shows like "CSI - Chattanooga". We may not understand the average American, but this show can help us mock them.

Family Values

More and more, the Bush dynasty is starting to resemble, well, Dynasty.

The latest story, as I'm sure you've heard by now, is that John Ellis Bush, Jr. -- a.k.a. Son of Jeb! -- was arrested for public intoxication and resisting arrest. This isn't the first time. When he was sixteen, he was caught joining the Yard High Club by some security guards in a mall parking lot.

Of course, Jebby's not the only member of his family with a checkered past. When he was in college, brother George P. broke into a girlfriend's house, threatened her father, and then tore his Ford Explorer across the lawn. (If this were an '80s teen movie, George P. surely would've been played by James Spader.) Sister Noelle was arrested for possession of cocaine and forging a prescription. Mother Columba, meanwhile, tried to smuggle in nearly 20K worth of clothes and jewelry. Nice to see a nuclear family committed to covering every crime of Scarface. I'll look forward to seeing Jeb! waving the grenade launcher at the top of the balcony.

And lest you think that all the bad Bush genes have wound up with Jeb!'s clan in America's Wang Florida, the other Bush kids have been just as troubled. Big brother George had more than his share of problems. (Remember, you can't spell DWI without W!) His wife Laura has her own past of dangerous driving, while the daughters clearly have the drinking covered. Brother Neil first screwed over the country with the S&L scandal, and then screwed over some Asian prostitutes as well. Other brother Marvin has a somewhat cleaner record -- and, presumably, a cleaner bill of health than V.D. Neil. Still, the rumors are out there, big and small.

But let's not simply blame the kids. They're just dealing with the genetic mess they inherited. Their mother Barbara was never the warmest person on the planet, and now it seems clear that she's suffering from Geriatric Profanity Disorder. Dad G.H.W. seems the stablest of the bunch, but he's got skeletons in his closet too. Nothing compared to what Grandpa Prescott pulled off, but still, impressive stuff.

With this kind of sordid background, you can understand why Jeb and Dubya's kids are now a perfect five-for-five with criminal records. While I think it's important to understand the roots of the problem, I think we should certainly respect Jeb's request that the family be given time to deal with this latest crisis in private. After all, it's not like the public has a role in painful family crises like these.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I'm not so sure the Dynasty comparison is a good one. Sure, they were crooked on that show, but the women were attractive. As opposed to, say, this look.

Now I'm thinking a better analogy would be the Godfather saga. If we ignore Marvin, like most people have, you've got three brothers who perfectly fit the mold. The oldest son -- Sonny/Dubya -- is a not-so-bright guy who acts macho and tends to rush into action without thinking. Then there's the black sheep -- Fredo/Neil -- who gets into embarrassing situations with financial scandals and prostitutes and, thus, tends to be kept in a corner. Finally, there's the golden child -- Michael/Jeb! -- who's been groomed for politics from the womb. And helping them all out is their powerful father and his consigliere -- Tom Hayden/James Baker.

Sure, there are some key differences between the Bushes and the Corleones. First of all, in the Bush version of events, the Godfather is actually married to Clemenza, the ruthless mafia schemer with a face like a brick wall. His first name is Barbara. Second, Sonny isn't gunned down at a toll booth. He manages to survive with the help of friends of his father and becomes head of the family. And third, in the Bush version, they don't kill the guy's racehorse. They make him the head of FEMA.

Brilliant

Dependable Renegade.

Name and Number

Somehow, this story about baby names made it to the front page of this morning's New York Times:

In the last several years, New York City has had more baby girls named Fatoumata than Lisa, more Aaliyahs than Melissas, more Chayas than Christinas. There have been more baby boys named Moshe than Peter, more Miguels than Jeffreys, more Ahmeds than Stanleys.

Yesterday, the city's Department of Health and Mental Hygiene released the name breakdown for the 124,099 babies born in New York City in 2004. That, together with data stretching back to 1920, shows that in a city that is fashion-conscious and full of immigrants, some foreign-sounding names have become arguably more New York than American classics like Carol, Susan, Stephen and Harry.

Recognizing the familiar, hey-the-furriners-are-takin'-over! storyline, I then looked up to see what all-American name the author had.

The answer? Jennifer 8. Lee. No, that's not a typo. Her middle name is "8."

Right. Keep lamenting the loss of "classic" American names, Seven of Nine.

Great Moments in Conservative Mathematizing

The candidates for gubernor in this year's Virginia election (yeah, we like to be diff'rent from the rest of the country) had a kinda sorta debate this week: instead of, you know, debating each other, each of the three candidates took questions from reporters for an hour. Here's GOP candidate Jerry Kilgore trying to show why he'd be the bestest governor ever:

In his opening statement, Kilgore veered to the subject of illegal immigration and Herndon's recent vote to spend $170,000 through a county grant to fund a site for day laborers.

"The government shouldn't subsidize the behavior of those illegally in this country," he said. "Fairfax could have hired 10 more teachers."

Yeah, that's right, Killy. We pay our teachers $17,000 a year. And we pay our cops with pieces of bread covered with mayonaise.

By the way, if you're interested in the VA governor's race, Ed Kilgore (who swears there's no relation) gives a good rundown here.

Friday Random Ten

Hey, you know the the old saying: It's Laverne Tripp's world and we're just livin' in it. This is an impressive album cover, especially when you consider the lengths they had to go to in order to create this stunning image. Where on earth could they find an overhead projector? Would the local junior high let them in? How would they explain the fact that "Laverne" looks like a middle-aged man? Well, the power of Laverne Tripp opens plenty of doors, my friend. Plenty.

Alright, time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, your iPod Mini, your iPod Nano, your iPod Fetus, or whatever you have; set it to random; and give us the first ten songs that are brave enough to show their faces. And in case you feel compelled by the power of Christ, go ahead and give unto us a Coolness Self-Audit.

Here's mine for this week:

1. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" -- With a title like that, you'd think the song wouldn't sound like a combination of the peppiest moments of Stephen Merritt's music and David Byrne's vocals, but there it is. This song is infectious as hell. 9/10

2. Louis Jordan, "What's the Use of Getting Sober (When You're Gonna Get Drunk Again)" -- I first heard this song back in high school, as the Joe Jackson cover (I know, I know) and then only heard the original master version a couple years later. Nice to see that some bits of wisdom have been handed down from generation to generation unscathed. Much like the central narrative in the Road Warrior movies. 7/10

3. Stevie Wonder, "For Once in My Life" -- I'm a pretty big fan of Stevie Wonder's pre-neutering years, but this song is made all the cooler by the fact that it played a role in the Redemption of Ari Gold on HBO's "Entourage." Hug it out, bitch! 8/10

4. Boards of Canada, "Roygbiv" -- Not only does this song have a nice, funky groove, but its title serves as a mnemonic for the colors of the rainbow. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Lucky Charms. 6/10

5. The Rolling Stones, "Stray Cat Blues" -- There's a very thin slice of the Rolling Stones' eighty-seven-year history that I really like, and the Beggars Banquet LP is smack in the middle of that. This is a good, grungy blues-rock. Not as well known as "Sympathy for the Devil" -- the greatest Stones song ever -- but strong enough to hang with it on the same album. 7/10

6. Johnny Cash, "The Man in Black" -- "I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down, Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town, I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime, But is there because he's a victim of the times." Johnny Cash, proof that the phrase "bad-ass liberal" didn't always seem to be an oxymoron. 6/10

7. Jurassic 5, "Twelve" -- I was in Austin for a wedding this spring the same night J5 was playing at Stubb's, and managed to miss seeing the one and only Charlie Tuna in the hotel lobby by about three minutes. I will regret that 'til the day I die. 8/10

8. Mos Def, "Dollar Day for New Orleans ... Katrina Klap" -- While I think this isn't quite as good as the Legendary K.O. song, you have to be struck by the fact that the music industry was able to respond to the disaster faster than the government. 6/10

9. Bloc Party, "Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)" -- My favorite Bloc Party tune skewed just a little bit. I think I prefer the original, but this is a nice variation on the theme. By the way, if you're a Bloc Party fan -- and if you're not, you're a Communist -- you should check out this little treat from NPR: a full hour of Bloc Party live in concert and free to download. 8/10

10. Mountain, "Mississippi Queen" -- What can I say? I've got a soft spot for '70s power rock. Especially the one-hit wonders that sound like they should've been in Dazed and Confused. I mean, I keep gettin' older and these songs stay the same age. 5/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.2, and yet another C-minus on the Cool-o-Meter. With grades like that, maybe I too can one day become leader of the free world.

Do you think you're better than me? Because I will fight you. No, no, wait, that's the liquor talking.

What I meant to say is -- kindly drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit.

Punk.

Satire is Dead, Part 456

The Onion, February 18, 2004:

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Reality, September 14, 2005:

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

WWJD? Ostracize!!!

Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the United States for "evidence of homosexuality" and for faculty members who dissentfrom church teaching, according to a document prepared to guide the process. (NY Times 9/15)

Like the Catholic Church hasn't enough trouble recruiting Americans for its own churches - now, you can't have "strong homosexual inclinations" or suffer potential banishment for the seminary. I can only hope Pope Benedict XVI is assigning some cardinals to come up with a list of things to be aware and consider. That should be as interesting as the Reagan administration determining what is pornography.

My prediction -- half the room would be all too accurate with a list, commenting "Or so I have heard in a confessional." The other half would have trouble identifying Liberace, banning only men with mustaches in black leather chaps with no pants.

Sadly, this is another example of the demonization of homosexuals. They are not "recruiting," and they are no more interested in little boys than are "breeder" males interested in little girls.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

You knew it was only a matter of time -- Jesus Christ gets the Swift Boat treatment.

Grandma Fired for Not Abandoning Grandchild

In the spirit of shamelessly stealing from other, better blogs, I present you with an Atrios-style "Bobo's world" segment. Seems a factory in Missouri couldn't hold a grandmother's $7-an-hour assemblyline job for her while she cared for her grandchild.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - When forced to decide between caring for her 18-month-old granddaughter whose parents were stranded in New Orleans or leaving the girl with strangers so she could show up for her assembly line job, Barbara Roberts chose to be a grandma. And for that, she was fired.

Now them's family values!

The sad thing is, of course, that parents and other family members often have to decide between caring for babies or sick relatives and going to work. If this grandma had stayed with her grandchild because of any reason besides the hurricane (say, for example, if the parents had been mauled by a bear like this father and daughter), you better believe it wouldn't have been newsworthy. In fact, some might go so far as to assume the grandmother's plight was her own damned fault. Good thing compassionate conservatism is changing all that, right?

Unless This is Steve Allen, You're Stealing My Bit!

I've resisted doing more caption contests, since there are plenty of people who've been doing them longer and better than I could ever hope to do. (For instance, Norbizness has a nice weekly contest, and Dependable Renegade is all captions, all the time.)

But due to popular demand after Monday's installment, we're going to make this a semi-regular feature here at LLatPoN. And this photo below -- shamelessly stolen from Dependable Renegade -- is just begging for the treatment. Have at it.

Bill Maher

Transcript stolen from Altercation:

Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'

Fiscal Conservatism, R.I.P.

Tom DeLay is a gift that just keeps on giving. The financial scandals, the ethical abyss, and the stupid, stupid comments:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said yesterday that Republicans have done so well in cutting spending that he declared an "ongoing victory," and said there is simply no fat left to cut in the federal budget.

Mr. DeLay was defending Republicans' choice to borrow money and add to this year's expected $331 billion deficit to pay for Hurricane Katrina relief. Some Republicans have said Congress should make cuts in other areas, but Mr. DeLay said that doesn't seem possible.

"My answer to those that want to offset the spending is sure, bring me the offsets, I'll be glad to do it. But nobody has been able to come up with any yet," the Texas Republican told reporters at his weekly briefing.

Asked if that meant the government was running at peak efficiency, Mr. DeLay said, "Yes, after 11 years of Republican majority we've pared it down pretty good."

Yeah, things are running really well. Current federal budget deficit? $451 million. Current national debt? $7.9 trillion. Too bad there's no glaring pork projects out there where the money could be cut. That'll do, pigs. That'll do.

Like they say over at Kung Fu Monkey, I miss Republicans. But this is good news for the Democrats. Between the Republican bungling of Iraq and Katrina and the new decision to abandon the ideas of fiscal conservatism, that leaves a lot of room for the Democrats to run on a single-worded theme: competence. Democrats are competent to run the government and handle the money. Democrats, it seems, are the new old-school Republicans.

George Bush Does Care About Black People

...as made clear in this week's presidential radio address.

Hey, Man, Is That Freedom Walk?

Although no one seemed to notice, the government's first-annual Do As We Say Festival Freedom Walk took place this Sunday.

As expected, it was just as loose and free-spirited as the state funeral for Leonid Brezhnev, and about as spontaneous as the Nixon Library. Michael Cortese (presumably no relation to Dan) went undercover and took part in the Freedom Walk, and lived to tell the tale:

The walk wasn't underway for no more than a handful of minutes, as the group I was walking with skirted the highway side of the Pentagon, when self appointed defenders of freedom picked out one middle-aged, blonde-haired woman who was wearing a nonoffensive, yet distinctly anti-war T-shirt. You can pretty much just make up the dialogue in your head: People telling her that her presence was "inappropriate", that she was in the wrong place and that folks don't like that sort of thing in a "red state" like Virginia (which, incidentally is strongly pro-choice statewide and was just as strongly for Kerry in Arlington during the last election). I reminded one particularly snotty young woman with her kids in tow that the event was supposedly commemorating the September 11 attacks, but the woman, drunk on kool-aid, couldn't differentiate between that 9/11 and the necessity for sending troops into Iraq.

The woman in the anti-war t-shirt said "Sorry, I'm from Massachusetts", which was followed by some pinheaded wingnutty guy who sneered, "Yeah, we're sorry you're from Massachusetts too" and then added "That's where Barney Frank is from", letting the name of an openly gay Congressman hang in the air like an accusation.

"Welcome to the Red States", he said.

I'm still kicking myself for not getting it on video. But my discreet attempt at pressing the shutter button on my camera didn't start the video recording.

Turns out the woman, named Mimi, was a friend of Cindy Sheehan, had a son in Fallujah, and friends who died on 9/11. She had much more right to be there than the people whose contribution to defending our freedoms consists of putting on a T-shirt and fake dog tags and walking to a concert.

A country music concert, T-shirt and fake dog tags. The victims of 9/11 and their families thank you.

There's more. Read the whole thing here.

Caption Contest

There's so much I'm tempted to say about this photo that I just can't decide. So I'm opening the floor for your suggestions for photo captions. The commentary, fittingly, should go in the comments.

The Boy in the Bubble

John Travolta may have played Bill Clinton on the big screen, but it's clear that the president he most resembles is none other than George W. Bush. Think about it. They've both made an almost obsessive-compulsive relationship with religion the center of their lives, they've both married women who appear to be Stepford Wives, and they both love to dress up in military outfits and pretend they're fighting men.

Recent revelations in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina only add further weight to the Bush-as-Barbarino theme, especially in the ways that George W. Bush is starting to resemble the classic title character from the movie, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Much like the ill-fated Tod Lubitch, who suffered from a weak immune system and could be killed by the smallest germs, Bush is apparently unable to withstand even the slightest bit of bad news or, heaven forfend, criticism. Also, they both have last names that make teenagers snicker.

We've all known for years now that Bush was suffering from his own bubble-boy lifestyle, but this great round-up piece by Dan Froomkin shows that stories of Bush's inability to handle criticism or dissent and his childish responses to them are even bigger than we thought.

Mike Allen writes in Time: "Longtime Bush watchers say they are not shocked that he missed his moment -- one of his most trusted confidants calls him 'a better third- and fourth-quarter player,' who focuses and delivers when he sees the stakes. What surprised them was that he still appeared to be stutter-stepping in the second week of the crisis, struggling to make up for past lapses instead of taking control with a grand gesture. Just as Katrina exposed the lurking problems of race and poverty, it also revealed the limitations of Bush's rigid, top-down approach to the presidency. . . .

"Bush's bubble has grown more hermetic in the second term, they say, with fewer people willing or able to bring him bad news -- or tell him when he's wrong. Bush has never been adroit about this. A youngish aide who is a Bush favorite described the perils of correcting the boss. 'The first time I told him he was wrong, he started yelling at me,' the aide recalled about a session during the first term. 'Then I showed him where he was wrong, and he said, "All right. I understand. Good job." He patted me on the shoulder. I went and had dry heaves in the bathroom.' . . ."

Screaming at a young aide. Classy. Be sure to read the whole thing.

It seems that Bush is intent on turning his presidency into a grand tribute to the original bubble boy, crafting his own bubble out of an intricate web of yes men, political cronies, and a stubborn refusal to see or hear anything that differs from the delicate world view they've created.

And Lord knows, Bush is clearly suffering while he's stuck in that bubble. Sadly, so are the rest of us.

Dodging the Bullet

For days now, the Bush administration's excuse for its sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina has been that initial reports said New Orleans had "dodged a bullet." That phrase has come up again and again, as administration officials claim they saw newspaper headlines that said -- either explicitly or implicitly -- that we'd "dodged a bullet."

For instance, here's President Bush this morning:

What I was referring to is this: When that storm came by, a lot of people said we dodged a bullet. When that storm came through at first, people said, Whew. There was a sense of relaxation. And that’s what I was referring to.

And I myself thought we had dodged a bullet. You know why? Because I was listening to people probably over the airwaves say, The bullet has been dodged. And that was what I was referring to.

Of course, there were plans in case the levee had been breached. There was a sense of relaxation at a critical moment.

I can't find a longer transcript, but it actually got painful watching him repeat this line over and over. I've taken some Advil and even bought a leather belt to bite down on when the pain gets too much, because if we know anything about this administration, it's that they like to stay on message. They'll beat this horse to death, and then have Mike Brown's friends at the International Arabian Horse Association see how they did.

But the odd thing here is something that generally happens when the President dismissively rails against something "a lot of people" have said or done. In most cases, "a lot of people" only exist in his head, as a convenient group of straw men with whom the president to do battle. Sort of a Debate Society version of the Washington Generals. It doesn't matter that "a lot of people" never said this or that, the president will bravely shoot down their non-existent arguments all the same. He's a leader, people!

This time, "a lot of people" said that we'd "dodged a bullet" with the hurricane. Really? Go over to AmericaBlog and see all the actual headlines from the storm's first strike. (I'd reproduce them here, but Blogger apparently hates the news.) But go and take a look at them and see if you can find anything that even remotely resembles the "dodged a bullet" theme the Bush administration insists was out there. No? Nothing?

It's almost like they're, you know, lying.

Enter the Situation Room™

DNC Chairman Howard Dean bravely entered The Situation Room™ to do battle with Mechawolfblitzer. Dean nicely stiff-armed Blitzer's attempts to make this all about whether or not George Bush really doesn't care about black people (see below) and pointed out repeatedly that, more importantly, George Bush doesn't seem to care about the bottom 80% of American society, whether they be white, black or brown. Catch the video here.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The NFL season is finally here! Our long national nightmare of baseball and golf is over, and we finally get to watch some real sports. I am a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. I know, you hate me. It's okay, really.

As such, I have three things to say. First of all, thank you to the blog powers that be for changing our screen colors to blue on silver, the colors of the Dallas Cowboys.

Second, I'd like to take note of the fact that Drew Bledsoe, quarterback of America's Team-- oops, sorry, I know you hate it when we say that -- has pledged to donate $2,500 to the Salvation Army everytime he throws a touchdown pass. So when Keyshawn hogs the ball this year, please remember that he's hogging it for the kids.

Third, not only do the Cowboys keep it real, they keep it real in style. How do I know that? Because a survey of 1,149 people told me they have the best . . . uniforms . . . ever!

Update: Like a genius Cowboy fan, I forgot to put in them links.

George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People

The Legendary K.O. has taken Kanye West's sound bite and his new song, "Gold Digger," and put together a great tune. Download available here.

(Via BoingBoing!)

Bring Back Carter!

So there's a new Zogby poll out with some bad news for the current commander-in-chief. The well-publicized news is that Bush's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 41%.

But there's another indication that Bush is a pretty unpopular president. In a hypothetical election between Bush and the four presidents preceding him, Bush loses to every single one. People would rather have Jimmy Carter as their president 50-42.

Nobody was asked about Gore, though Bush still beats Kerry, 48-47.

Friday Random Ten

For those of you who thought that South Park broke new ground in the entertainment industry with its heartbreaking chronicle of gay dog Sparky, and his adventures on Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride, this album is proof that gay dogs have had a presence in the industry for decades. In fact, it's a well-known fact that all the great dog stars of Hollywood were, in fact, homosexuals. Benji? Gay. Rin Tin Tin? Flaaaaaming. Lassie? Canadian. (Sometimes it's hard to tell.)

Alright, it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, set it on iRandom, and give us the first ten iTunes that pop out. And if you think you're man enough -- or woman enough, or child enough -- to handle the Coolness Self-Audit, go ahead and do that on the standardized zero-to-ten scale. A zero is downright Lawrence Welkian, while a ten should be so cool it frightens small children. (No going to eleven, Nigel Tufnel.)

Here's mine:

1. Tom Scott, "Gotcha" -- Believe it or not, you all know this tune. It was the pimped-out theme song to the original "Starsky and Hutch." Listening to it makes me believe that I, too, drive a cherry-red, souped-up 1974 Ford Torino and that I, too, get to hang with supercool Detective Ken Hutchinson and superfly informant Huggy Bear. And that, for a brief moment, makes me supercool too. 10/10

2. Beck, "Farewell Ride" -- Off his latest and maybe his best album, Guero. I saw him play a tiny little club in Manhattan right before it came out, and I do believe he blew the doors off that motherfucker. Phenomenal show. 7/10

3. De La Soul, "Peas Porridge Hot" -- One of my favorite hiphop groups, but this is a mediocre tune off a mediocre album. 6/10

4. The Bee Gees, "Night Fever" -- Yeah. Not cool. Next. 3/10

5. Allen Toussaint, "Get Out of My Life Woman" -- Nice to see a New Orleans legend make the FRT this week. (Norbizness had a nice tribute last Friday to other New Orleans legends, by the way.) It's a great song on its own, but the fact that Slick Rick, Biz Markie and the Beastie Boys all sampled it, well, that takes its coolness factor, cuts it in half, and then doubles it! 10/10

6. Zero 7, "Red Dust" -- Not one of the best songs off Simple Things, but decent enough ambient. So good that the song usually plays a minute or so before I realize it's on. And as we all know, lurking in the background is cool. Or a sign of stalking. I forget which. 6/10

7. The Replacements, "Treatment Bound" -- Not the most rockin' tune of the Mats' repertoire, but if a band ever had an appropriate theme song, this is it. 6/10

8. Stevie Wonder, "Living for the City" -- Seven minutes of synthesized soul. This was Stevie Wonder near the peak of his funkiness, before the sad years when he was blackmailed into recording songs like "My Cherie Amour." Seriously. How else do you explain it? 8/10

9. Chiapet, "Don't You Want Me, Baby" -- From Freedom of Choice, a compilation that fought for reproductive rights in the traditional way -- by recruiting indie rock bands and having them record '80s hits. The novelty of covering a Human League hit was pretty big back in the salad days of the early 1990s, but upon further review, this one doesn't have much staying power. 5/10

10. Blackalicious, "Blazing Arrow" -- Phenomenal hiphop that moves at a blistering speed. The opening lines are "Amazin phase your days your hazy ways my Blazing Arrow / The rays that range from Asia way to Rio De Janeiro" and it only picks up speed from there. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a barely passing grade of 7.0. Whew. I'd hate to be held back in Cool School. Or maybe that makes you cooler? So hard to tell.

Before I go, here's a little Friday musical treat. TV on the Radio have recorded a tribute to President Bush, called "Dry Drunk Emperor." If you love great music and great Bush-bashing, this song's for you. Both the mp3 and lyrics are available here.

Drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self-Audit. Think you've got the stones? Bring it on!

Chokin' on My Own Rage Here

If you can stand another round of outrage, Crooks and Liars has an outstanding clip from Keith Olbermann.

Think of the Children!

There's a FEMA rap for kids. Seriously.

Disaster . . . it can happen anywhere,
But we've got a few tips, so you can be prepared
For floods, tornadoes, or even a 'quake,
You've got to be ready - so your heart don't break.

Disaster prep is your responsibility
And mitigation is important to our agency.

People helping people is what we do
And FEMA is there to help see you through
When disaster strikes, we are at our best
But we're ready all the time, 'cause disasters don't rest.

via Ezra

The Blame Game

Well, it looks like Karl Rove has called a play and broke the huddle, because every member of the administration is now on the same page. The official new mantra coming out of Washington is that anyone who dare hold the government accountable for their actions and inaction is simply playing "the blame game."

As we all know, no one sticks to a script better than loveable lapdog Scottie McClellan. This exchange with David Gregory -- whom I'm hoping is on a good blood pressure medication -- is a classic.

Q Scott, does the President retain confidence in his FEMA Director and Secretary of Homeland Security?

MR. McCLELLAN: And again, David, see, this is where some people want to look at the blame game issue, and finger-point. We're focused on solving problems, and we're doing everything we can --

Q What about the question?

MR. McCLELLAN: We're doing everything we can in support --

Q We know all that.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- of the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA.

Q Does he retain complete confidence --

MR. McCLELLAN: We're going to continue. We appreciate the great effort that all of those at FEMA, including the head of FEMA, are doing to help the people in the region. And I'm just not going to engage in the blame game or finger-pointing that you're trying to get me to engage.

Q Okay, but that's not at all what I was asking.

MR. McCLELLAN: Sure it is. It's exactly what you're trying to play.

Q You have your same point you want to make about the blame game, which you've said enough now. I'm asking you a direct question, which you're dodging.

MR. McCLELLAN: No --

Q Does the President retain complete confidence in his Director of FEMA and Secretary of Homeland Security, yes or no?

MR. McCLELLAN: I just answered the question.

Q Is the answer "yes" on both?

MR. McCLELLAN: And what you're doing is trying to engage in a game of finger-pointing.

Q There's a lot of criticism. I'm just wondering if he still has confidence.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- and blame-gaming. What we're trying to do is solve problems, David. And that's where we're going to keep our focus.

Q So you're not -- you won't answer that question directly?

MR. McCLELLAN: I did. I just did.

Q No, you didn't. Yes or no? Does he have complete confidence or doesn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, if you want to continue to engage in finger-pointing and blame-gaming, that's fine --

Q Scott, that's ridiculous. I'm not engaging in any of that.

MR. McCLELLAN: It's not ridiculous.

Q Don't try to accuse me of that. I'm asking you a direct question and you should answer it. Does he retain complete confidence in his FEMA Director and Secretary of Homeland Security, yes or no?

MR. McCLELLAN: Like I said -- that's exactly what you're engaging in.

Q I'm not engaging in anything. I'm asking you a question about what the President's views are --

MR. McCLELLAN: Absolutely -- absolutely --

Q -- under pretty substantial criticism of members of his administration. Okay? And you know that, and everybody watching knows that, as well.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, everybody watching this knows, David, that you're trying to engage in a blame game.

Q I'm trying to engage?

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes.

Q I am trying to engage?

MR. McCLELLAN: That's correct.

Q That's a dodge.

While I admire Scottie's zombie-like ability to stick to the script and his ability to coin new terms like "blame-gaming," I think he might be protesting too much. As Jon Stewart pointed out tonight, when you're this insistent that you don't want to play the blame game, it means you're to blame.

It's at times like these that I like to reflect on the wise words of President Bush:

America, at its best, is a place where personal responsibility is valued and expected.

Encouraging responsibility is not a search for scapegoats, it is a call to conscience. And though it requires sacrifice, it brings a deeper fulfillment. We find the fullness of life not only in options, but in commitments. And we find that children and community are the commitments that set us free.

That was from his inaugural address. Haven't heard much about personal responsibility since then. Maybe it only applied to important issues like presidential blowjobs and not minor stuff like the death of thousands because of ineptitude and incompetence.

(Via Atrios, TBogg and First Draft.)

Sex is for Fags!

Just go look for yourself. Hysterical.

(Thanks to TBogg for passing this along.)

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job"

ThinkProgress has been doing a great job pushing back against the admin's Blame America First campaign. Here's an excellent timeline of our great one's leadership during this time of crisis (or mild discomfort, for any Fox viewers out there). (Via Atrios)

Gouge Away

I've read some incredibly stupid things in my life -- TV Guide, Son of Sniglets, Katherine Hepburn's Me. But this article by John Stossel, titled "In Defense of Price Gouging," just may be the dumbest yet. Here's just a sample:

Consider this scenario: You are thirsty -- worried that your baby is going to become dehydrated. You find a store that's open, and the storeowner thinks it's immoral to take advantage of your distress, so he won't charge you a dime more than he charged last week. But you can't buy water from him. It's sold out.

You continue on your quest, and finally find that dreaded monster, the price gouger. He offers a bottle of water that cost $1 last week at an "outrageous" price -- say $20. You pay it to survive the disaster.

You resent the price gouger. But if he hadn't demanded $20, he'd have been out of water. It was the price gouger's "exploitation" that saved your child.

It saved her because people look out for their own interests. Before you got to the water seller, other people did. At $1 a bottle, they stocked up. At $20 a bottle, they bought more cautiously. By charging $20, the price gouger makes sure his water goes to those who really need it.

Yes, yes. Because in the postapocalyptic wasteland of New Orleans, where the disaster hit right before payday and knocked out the ATMs, everyone has exactly the same amount of disposable cash on hand. Wealthy suburban soccer moms and dehydrated and destitute senior citizens should simply gather at the 7-11 and we can auction off the Poland Spring bottles to the highest bidder. Because Adam Smith's invisible hand of the free market is wise and just, even if it seems to be bitch-slapping the poor and needy.

I'm surprised that Stossel didn't go the extra mile and accuse local officials of being "ration babies," before grabbing the last bottle of water to wash his socks. I mean, he has the money presumably, so why not? Let the market rule.

Let Them Eat Photo Ops

In an earlier post, I noted Bush's habit of populating FEMA with old campaign cronies. Well, Think Progress has discovered that the hackery at FEMA goes even deeper. The Chief of Staff and Deputy Chief of Staff were, respectively, an event planner and a media strategist for the Bush-Cheney campaign.

Maybe that's why the government's main response to the catastrophe has been staging more and more photo ops for the president. It's what they're trained for. And, as Dan Froomkin notes, it's their standard approach to a crisis.

Too bad that's not their goddamn job.

UPDATE: Every time I try to mock them, the administration's clowns take it as a dare and go one step beyond. Turns out firefighters have been trying to get to New Orleans for a while, and on Monday they finally got a chance.

"... as specific orders began arriving to the firefighters in Atlanta, a team of 50 Monday morning quickly was ushered onto a flight headed for Louisiana. The crew’s first assignment: to stand beside President Bush as he tours devastated areas."

Great Moments in Compassionate Conservatism

Fox News was telling me all weekend how things were just great down in New Orleans, except for the last few dead-enders who seem to think they are entitled to all sorts of things, such as water and medicine. Maybe now it's time to begin taking stock of what all happened last week. Unlike the usual nattering nabobery you find around this joint, I'd like to cite a few sterling examples of our leaders' compassionate conservatism.

We all remember the delightful image of W cavorting about with a guitar last Tuesday. Sure, some folks claim that a geetar photo op shows that the prez is out of touch, but those folks are wrong. Bush was clearly trying to boost everyone's morale with a light-hearted joke. You know, like when something bad happens, and then it gets real quiet, and then someone tells a joke and breaks the tension. Sometimes the joke works, sometimes not. Remember a couple years back when Bush made the jokes about how he couldn't find them danged WMDs? Now that was some knee-slapping compassionizing! Anyone who thinks Bush's latest crisis-related joke ain't funny needs to get their aloof gland removed.

Cheney responded with sensitivity and understanding, as you'd expect. This guy's got more compassion in his heart stent than most people have in their iron lungs. Some of you libruls might claim that the fact that Cheney didn't leave his Wyoming duck blind until late Thursday calls into question his compassionistic chops, but don't even smurf it. Let's not forget that this man is so compassionate that he was just about the only guy compassionate enough in the 1980s to tell the pro-apartheid government of South Africa that "we care".

Condi Rice -- excuse me, that's Dr. Condoleeza Rice -- is probably the best at being compassionate and looking FABULOUS at the same time. That's why, after taking in a Broadway musical last Wednesday, she spent Thursday buying $7,000 shoes in Manhattan. Her free-spending ways surely uplifted some heards in the Big Easy, just as those shoes uplifted her fallen arches.

Even leading congressmen were eager to show just how compassionate they are. Take Dennis Hastert, for example. He donated several thousand dollars to relief funds late last Thursday. He got the money by selling a car at an Illinois antique auto show earlier in the day. Which he went to after attending a fundraiser for a buddy of his. Which is why he was unable to, like, get to DC and do his job in getting the relief package through congress. And hey, the thing where he said that it would be a waste to rebuild N.O.? It was a joke! He was taking a page right out of the book of the Compassionator in Chief! Hahaha, Denny, you're a riot!

Finally, let's hear it for Dr. Sen. Dr. Bill Dr. Frist. With all those people suffering, starving, and dying down in LA, MS, and AL, he was so full of compassion that he went and showed his compassion to a whole different group of the frequently downtrodden: the super rich. Frist saw that the wealthy would be feeling real bad, what with all the free positive press the lucky duckies were getting, so he decided to show them some love. Frist opened his heart by scheduling a vote for this week to permanently kill the estate tax. Some might say that this is cynical and incredibly innappropriate, but let's face it: the super rich, who are by nature the most compassionate people in the country, are the ones who will end up paying for all the relief efforts, right? Why not make it just a little bit easier on them to be so compassionate?

Hey N'awlins, can you feel the love?

All Hail Dear Leader

A fitting tribute to the Glorious Son of the Reagan Revolution, created by Kirk Anderson of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. From Rising Hegemon.

The Supremes

So it seems the Justices of the Supreme Court are dropping like the characters in an Agatha Christie mystery. First, O'Connor dropped out, and now Rehnquist has passed away. I think the next one to go will be John Paul Stevens, in the conservatory, crushed beneath a giant novelty gavel.

Rehnquist's death, coupled with Bush's decision to reposition Roberts for the top spot, has the blogosphere all atwitter. Many on the right are hailing this as a sign that Bush still has a deft political touch, all appearances to the contrary notwithstanding, since this means he can get his golden boy more than just a spot on the Court; he can get him the spot.

This is going against some of the blogosphere wisdom, but I think this weekend's events bode well for liberals. Most Democrats have agreed that Roberts will in all likelihood be confirmed, a fact that doubtlessly led Bush to reposition Roberts for the Chief's chair. However, by moving the near-certain confirmation to that spot, Bush may have missed his best chance to shift the ideological balance on the Court. Roberts is a former clerk of Rehnquist's and a close ideological ally; therefore, the replacement does nothing to alter the ideological make-up of the Court. Democrats can let Roberts sail through with smiles, and thereby show that they're not "obstructionist" and even give the president a win in the fight that, to laymen, would seem to be the most important.

With that kind of political cover, the Democrats can then go to the mattresses over the replacement for O'Connor. That spot represents the real swing vote, and getting a right-wing conservative in there would fundamentally alter the course of the Court. Therefore, this is the fight that really matters. Oddly enough, I think Bush's manuever only helps the Democrats. Having let Roberts through first and doing it fairly, they can then draw a line in the sand here and stop whoever gets nominated there -- whether it's a Bush loyalist like Gonzales, or a ultra-right woman like Owens, Brown or Clement.

If Bush had played this correctly, he could've gotten Roberts in for O'Connor, had Scalia step up and replace Rehnquist, and then snuck a new conservative for the vacant associate spot. He could've flooded the zone with three nominations and found the focus on Scalia's ascension. That would've guaranteed that anyone shy of Scalia would've been given a light treatment, much as Scalia himself was when his nomination coincided with the move to elevate Rehnquist to Chief Justice back in 1986. He could've cemented a conservative bloc for a generation.

But he missed that chance. If the Democrats play this right -- and, yes, that's a huge "if" -- they can come out of this with a Court that looks roughly like it does now. And for those on the left side of the spectrum, that's by far the best we could hope for.

(Actually, the best we can hope for is that the next Chief Justice takes the gold racing stripes of the robe. That's a Rehnquist legacy we can do without.)

More Yes Men than the Musical Supergroup Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman & Howe

This is all over the blogs, but it seems the FEMA FUBAR stems largely from the fact that once again Bush put an incompetent crony into the position instead of someone, oh, qualified and competent.

The current head of FEMA is Michael D. Brown. What was Brown's preparation for his role as the nation's coordinator of disaster relief? Well, he was a lawyer with the International Arabian Horse Association for eleven years. Until he was fired. For incompetence. At the International Arabian Horse Association.

In 2001, he was brought to FEMA by Bush's choice as the new agency head, Joe Allbaugh. He, of course, had gained his background in disaster relief during his work as the campaign manager for Bush-Cheney 2000.

Who needs competence when you've got cronies running a mile deep? I mean, it's not like any of the core supporters are going to get hurt. When you're a Pioneer or a Ranger, you've got a second home up on the high ground, right?

Ready for His Close-Up

Once again, conservatives prove it's never too early to exploit a national tragedy for political gain.

Awesome. I can't wait to see how they stage manage Bush's entrance. They'll probably have him wade ashore like Douglas MacArthur, clad in a khaki uniform and puffing on a corncob pipe. Wouldn't be any worse than his last appearance there.

aFOXalypse Now

Anyone know how I can get a transcript of last night's (Friday's) Hannity and Colmes? I can't find it on the Faux News website. On the advice of Mrs. Thrillhous I tuned in to watch Bill O'Reilly, but apparently I haven't memorized the primetime lineup since H&C comes on at 10.

So I watched the top of the hour there anyway, wondering how the people starving to death (or dying of thirst or disease etc.) have only themselves to blame. They started with a live report from Shepard Smith, who looked like Martin Sheen in the beginning of Apocalypse Now. He was standing on Interstate 10 with a few thousand people. He talked about old people and babies sleeping on the asphalt. He didn't even attempt to spin it in a positive direction. Hannity tried to get some kind of positive quotes coming out of Smith, but he didn't bite at all. "When's help coming? It's on its way, right?" Smith just stared blankly at the camera. "I don't know. I just don't know."

Then they cut to Geraldo Rivera at the NO Convention Center. He was holding up babies (one 10 month old and one 15 month old) and pleading to let people out. Rivera had tears in his eyes at one point. Both Rivera and Smith reported that the National Guard is not allowing people to leave New Orleans. Both pleaded to the powers that be to let these people get the frak out of the city. (New Orleans is sounding more and more like Escape From New York.)

It must have been quite a shock for them to see real live suffering outside of the snuggly confines of the Upper East Side.

Never get off the goddamn boat.

UPDATE: Crooks and Liars has the video. Unbelievable. I can't believe this came across on Fox. (otto)

Failing Upwards

So here's the situation: hudreds of thousands of people are now homeless. All their worldly possessions have been destroyed. Those too poor to afford insurance have lost everything with no chance of being compensated in any way. Many others have lost their jobs, which in America means they have lost health insurance. The companies they worked at have been washed off the face of the earth; hardly anyone will be able to wait for them to be rebuilt.

There are thousands of able-bodied men and women who have been plunged into a desperate situation. They need steady employment, housing, food, and a quick influx of cash. What would you do in that situation?

I'll bet the armed forces' September recruiting numbers shatters all records.

Friday Random Ten

This image is wrong for so many reasons. For starters, the phrase "Tijuana Picnic" seems like something that would be used to describe a sexual and/or scatalogical act that would be illegal in thirty-eight states, and not a wholesome family outing. But even if it really is a picnic in Tijuana, a.k.a. the Happiest Place on Earth™, then what in God's name is Colonel Sanders doing there? Man, I guess it's like the old saying goes: "What happens in Tijuana, stays in Tijuana."

Anyway, with this kind of musical inspiration, it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Take out your iPod, set it on random, and spin the wheel, raggedy man! If you think you've got the stones, go ahead and include a Coolness Self-Audit. And then set aside a little quiet time for yourself. Go ahead. You deserve it.

Alright, here we go:

1. Charles Wright, "Spreadin' Honey" -- A short, strutting, soul instrumental. Sounds like the kind of thing they'd play in a movie while Shaft strutted down Broadway to get a coffee and/or thrash some mope. A stone-cold groove. 6/10

2. The Roots, "Guns are Drawn" -- Outstanding song from my favorite hiphop consortium. The beat is incredibly funky, and the lyrics nicely political. It's got it all, kids. 9/10

3. Eric B. and Rakim, "Let the Rhythm Hit 'Em" -- Wow, starting to sense a trend here. More solid hiphop. not one of their best songs, but Eric B. and Rakim on three-quarters speed can still blow the doors off most other rappers. 7/10

4. KISS, "Detroit Rock City" -- Goodbye, trend. Probably one of my favorite songs by the Knights in Satan's Service, though certainly not very cool. And yes, I know I just lost my membership in the KISS Army for that bit of blasphemy. So be it. 6/10

5. Ol' Dirty Bastard with Kelis, "Baby, I Got Your Money" -- ODB may have shuffled off this mortal coil, but as long as we have his music, he'll always live on in our hearts. Remember the poetry? Remember "I don't have no problem with you fucking me / But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me"? Damn, that boy's a Shakespeare. 7/10

6. The Amps, "She's a Girl" -- Mmmmmm, Kim Deal. Maybe it's the aftershocks of her vocals on the Pixies' "Gigantic," but every song she sings sounds dirty to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 8/10

7. Belle and Sebastian, "I Don't Love Anyone" -- Nice rollicking folk tune. Light and airy, with just a hint of cinnamon. I mean, angst. 7/10

8. Iggy and the Stooges, "Search and Destroy" -- Iggy Pop in his prime and at his most primal. "I'm a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm, / I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb." I can't wait to see what sort of advertisement they use this one in. After the ode-to-heroin that is "Lust for Life" became the theme song for Carnival Cruise Lines, anything is possible. 8/10

9. Interpol, "PDA" -- A nice sample of the recent New New Wave revival. Turn Off the Bright Lights is a solid CD, though this would be a second-tier song from that one, I think. 8/10

10. Stereolab, "Brittle" -- From the album Switched On, a driving little bit of wall-of-sound electronica that should've made Robert Moog proud. (And the album title reminds me I need to chase down an old collection called Switched On Country. It has an outstanding moog version of "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town.") 7/10

Judging by all my mediocre scores, I'm part of the MTV generation that neither feels highs nor lows. I have a 7.3 average, which puts me right between the Captain & Tennille and Captain Beefheart on the Cool-o-Meter. Not sure how I feel about that.

Alright, please feel free to drop your own FRT in the comments, or add some mockery of my own mediocrity.

Eschatonic

Good God Atrios is on fire.

Choking on my own rage here.

Crickets

So, we have one of America's greatest cities destroyed due in part to this Administration's willful neglect of numerous warnings and budget slashing to pay for rich people's tax cuts.

What do we hear from the Democrats?

...chirp...chirp...chirp...chirp...

Katrina Determined to Strike U.S.

"I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees."
--George W. Bush on "Good Morning America," September 1, 2005

He meant anyone except for all of these guys. Oh, and these folks, too.