Monday, September 19, 2005

Family Values


More and more, the Bush dynasty is starting to resemble, well, Dynasty.

The latest story, as I'm sure you've heard by now, is that John Ellis Bush, Jr. -- a.k.a. Son of Jeb! -- was arrested for public intoxication and resisting arrest. This isn't the first time. When he was sixteen, he was caught joining the Yard High Club by some security guards in a mall parking lot.

Of course, Jebby's not the only member of his family with a checkered past. When he was in college, brother George P. broke into a girlfriend's house, threatened her father, and then tore his Ford Explorer across the lawn. (If this were an '80s teen movie, George P. surely would've been played by James Spader.) Sister Noelle was arrested for possession of cocaine and forging a prescription. Mother Columba, meanwhile, tried to smuggle in nearly 20K worth of clothes and jewelry. Nice to see a nuclear family committed to covering every crime of Scarface. I'll look forward to seeing Jeb! waving the grenade launcher at the top of the balcony.

And lest you think that all the bad Bush genes have wound up with Jeb!'s clan in America's Wang Florida, the other Bush kids have been just as troubled. Big brother George had more than his share of problems. (Remember, you can't spell DWI without W!) His wife Laura has her own past of dangerous driving, while the daughters clearly have the drinking covered. Brother Neil first screwed over the country with the S&L scandal, and then screwed over some Asian prostitutes as well. Other brother Marvin has a somewhat cleaner record -- and, presumably, a cleaner bill of health than V.D. Neil. Still, the rumors are out there, big and small.

But let's not simply blame the kids. They're just dealing with the genetic mess they inherited. Their mother Barbara was never the warmest person on the planet, and now it seems clear that she's suffering from Geriatric Profanity Disorder. Dad G.H.W. seems the stablest of the bunch, but he's got skeletons in his closet too. Nothing compared to what Grandpa Prescott pulled off, but still, impressive stuff.

With this kind of sordid background, you can understand why Jeb and Dubya's kids are now a perfect five-for-five with criminal records. While I think it's important to understand the roots of the problem, I think we should certainly respect Jeb's request that the family be given time to deal with this latest crisis in private. After all, it's not like the public has a role in painful family crises like these.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I'm not so sure the Dynasty comparison is a good one. Sure, they were crooked on that show, but the women were attractive. As opposed to, say, this look.

Now I'm thinking a better analogy would be the Godfather saga. If we ignore Marvin, like most people have, you've got three brothers who perfectly fit the mold. The oldest son -- Sonny/Dubya -- is a not-so-bright guy who acts macho and tends to rush into action without thinking. Then there's the black sheep -- Fredo/Neil -- who gets into embarrassing situations with financial scandals and prostitutes and, thus, tends to be kept in a corner. Finally, there's the golden child -- Michael/Jeb! -- who's been groomed for politics from the womb. And helping them all out is their powerful father and his consigliere -- Tom Hayden/James Baker.

Sure, there are some key differences between the Bushes and the Corleones. First of all, in the Bush version of events, the Godfather is actually married to Clemenza, the ruthless mafia schemer with a face like a brick wall. His first name is Barbara. Second, Sonny isn't gunned down at a toll booth. He manages to survive with the help of friends of his father and becomes head of the family. And third, in the Bush version, they don't kill the guy's racehorse. They make him the head of FEMA.

10 comments:

Mr Furious said...

Come on, Otto Man, nobody looks good in their mugshots!

The Bush twins are reasonable attractive by political family standards, but I'm going off the reservation be proclaiming Not-Jenna (Barbara) as the more attractive one. Jenna creepily looks too much like both her mother AND father. Plus, you just know she's a fucking idiot.

Cate Edwards would have been the hottest first daughter...

Mr Furious said...

I mean...

"Come on, Pegleg Jackson, nobody looks good in the'r mugshots! Th' Bush twins be reasonable attractive by political family standards, but I be goin' off th' reservation be proclaimin' Nay-Jenna (Barbara) as th' more attractive one. Jenna creepily looks too much like both th' lass' mother AN' father. Plus, ye jus' know she`s a horkin' idiot.

Cate Edwards would ben th' hottest first lass... "

Otto Man said...

We're definitely in t' minority, Furious, but I think you're absolutely starboard about which o' t' Bush spawn be hotter. Jenna looks like Drag Dubya. As far as t' mug shot goes, that was only one o' several mug shots she's had. (Forgery, cocaine possession, shopliftin' in Arizona, etc.) By now, she should know t' get gussied up before she leaves t' family plantation.

Argh.

Otto Man said...

McAllister: Arr, matey. Nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear
sailing ahead for our precious cargo.

Sailor: Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir?

McAllister: Aye, the hot pants.

Thrillhous said...

I'm going to have to go with yet a third answer on the Jenna-Not Jenna debate. Seperately they're both plain. It's only when they're together, like in the Cmas pic from last year, that they're worth looking at.

Studiodave said...

I was a little disappointed with your link for Asian prostitutes.

Otto Man said...

Sorry, Studio. I may get a little blue with the language, but that's as far as I'll go. On a first date.

InanimateCarbonRod said...

I love the way that Neil was all blase about hot chicks showing up to his hotel room uninvited. "So, these hot women just knocked on your hotel room door, came inside and had sex with you and you never thought to ask why?" "Happens all the time, dude."

Mrs_Thrillhous said...

Attractiveness is measured by how much I'd want to look like somebody. Rachel Weisz, yes. Either Bush twin, no. And I don't, thank goodness. The least they could do is wear good clothes, which they don't.

nobody looks good in their mugshots!

An exception: even after throwing lots of stuff around a hotel room in the wee hours of the night, Carmen Electra looked pretty hot in hers.

Otto Man said...

That is a damn good mugshot. I guess if you look like a tramp to begin with, it's much easier.

She must've gotten tips from Dennis Rodman.