Not Too Much TV, the Wrong TV

I was reading the article Atrios had linked to about republic prez candidate Mike Huckabee's son getting busted at the airport with a loaded pistol, when I got to this paragraph:

The elder Huckabee, who said last week that Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui perhaps could have been stopped if a teacher or student had also been armed, also has a concealed weapons permit.

I'm not surprised when the crazies at the National Review Online or Ted Nugent say that if they were there, and if those pesky no-guns-allowed laws weren't in place, they would've gotten Matrix on Seung-Hui's ass. But a guy who's actually running for president? What is he thinking?

John Cole has already done an excellent job painting the horrific picture of a campus with 26,000 gun-toting 18 to 22 year-olds, full of beer and aggression and really stupid ideas. College isn't that different from minimum security prisons, only when someone says to you "I'm the man" you don't have to clench like there's no tomorrow.

Obviously, Huckabee and some other people are imagining they'd be like Rambo or John Wayne or some other gunslinger they see every Saturday at 7:05 pm on TBS. Somehow they fail to get that these are not real people in real situations. Really, there's nobody named "Dirty Harry" working for the San Fran PD. If you want to learn anything from TV, something useful in your real life, you've got to watch reality TV.

And I don't mean that "Survivor," "I Love New York" (I can't believe she picked Tango!), "Fear Factor" junk. There's really nothing to be learned from these contrived craptraps, although I do sometimes wonder how many pig testicles I could eat while suspended from a helicopter. If you want to learn something that you can actually use in your daily life, you need to watch "Cops" and all the "World's Wildest .... Videos." I can't tell you how many great things I've learned from these shows, such as:

--- It's very hard to hold on to a naked, bloody, sweaty man.
--- A 1992 Chevy Beretta can drive on its rims for quite a few miles.
--- If you have drugs in your car and the cop asks if he can search your car, SAY NO.

When I started reading NRA shitake about how if everyone had guns the Va Tech thing wouldn't have happened or would've been cut short, I immediately thought of a scene from reality TV that I've seen over and over. For a few years it was in just about every "Wildest Police Videos" show, and it's still the finale for most "World's Shootiest Shootout" shows.



If guns were allowed on college campuses, it's not like the sick freaks wouldn't know about it. They'd do like they learned in Boy Scouts and "wail on the gays" -- I mean "prepare." Maybe shotguns and automatic rifles, maybe body armor, maybe both. If someone really wants to kill a bunch of people, and if he isn't as dumb as, say, Mike Huckabee's son, then it's going to happen.

Handicapping the Field

Confused by the vast array of Democratic presidential candidates? No worries. McSweeney's has taken the time to examine the current contenders and a raft of potentials.

For example:

JOE BIDEN
Pro: Technically still running for president.
Con: Dude. Come on.

DENNIS KUCINICH
Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.
Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.

JESUS CHRIST
Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.
Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.

That's just three of the twenty. Enjoy the rest.

Cry Me a River

Here's a tough question for your consideration:

Who's a more self-centered, delusional ass? The Decider? Or Mrs. Decider?

The Trials of Turdblossom

Every year or so, we dust off this classic doctored photo and engage in a little wishful thinking. Looks like it's that time of year again:

The Office of Special Counsel is preparing to jump into one of the most sensitive and potentially explosive issues in Washington, launching a broad investigation into key elements of the White House political operations that for more than six years have been headed by chief strategist Karl Rove.

The new investigation, which will examine the firing of at least one U.S. attorney, missing White House e-mails, and White House efforts to keep presidential appointees attuned to Republican political priorities, could create a substantial new problem for the Bush White House.

First, the inquiry comes from inside the administration, not from Democrats in Congress. Second, unlike the splintered inquiries being pressed on Capitol Hill, it is expected to be a unified investigation covering many facets of the political operation in which Rove played a leading part.

"We will take the evidence where it leads us," Scott J. Bloch, head of the Office of Special Counsel and a presidential appointee, said in an interview Monday. "We will not leave any stone unturned."

I know, I know. Karl Rove has slithered away from danger before and I'm sure he'll do so again here.

Given the way this administration works, I'm sure this inquiry -- internal to the administration and headed by a fellow Bush appointee -- will miraculously discover that Rove has done nothing wrong. He'll probably wind up with a Presidential Medal of Freedom when it's all said and done.

But still, if it leads to more stories involving "Karl Rove" and "inquiry" then I'm all for it. Sure, it'd be nice if the words "frog-marched," "waterboarded," and "his cellmate 'Trigger Dog'" were also included, but this is a start.

Update: Well, that didn't last long. Talk Left has the details on Bloch and he looks like a Loyal Bushie.

Of course, as a Loyal Bushie, that means he's horribly incompetent. Maybe he'll screw up the fake investigation and actually come up with some dirt on Rove. Oh, the ironing is delicious.

Caption Contest

Another day, another image stolen from Dependable Renegade.

Have at him.

Uppity 2 Year Olds

Link Removed: As much as I enjoyed hearing the opening line from this video every time I opened the blog, twenty times is my personal limit. If you haven't seen the clip, check it out here. -- OM

I'm the greatest parent in the world

At least that's how I feel when I read stories like these.

The children's mother Zara Care, along with her sisters Serenza and Danielle Olver and her mother Carole Olver, forced the kids to punch each other in the face.
The women also goaded the two-year-old boy and three-year-old girl, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, to hit each other with a magazine and a hairbrush.
When one did not fight, they called him a "wimp" and a "faggot".
...
The fight, filmed on a home video recorder, was found by the children's father who is in the Army and had returned from a tour of duty in Iraq.

Man, there's no way I'll screw my kids up as bad as that.

War on Science -- and common sense

If ketchup can be a vegetable, why not a watermelon?

Oklahoma already has the strawberry as its official fruit, so the state Senate cleared the way on Tuesday to declare the watermelon the state vegetable.

Friday Random Ten

Editor's Note: Once again, Otto Man is on the road this week, walking the earth like Kane from "Kung Fu," righting wrongs wherever he finds them. As a result, we bring you a special FRT flashback. Enjoy the trip.

Ladies and gentlemen of Earth, allow me to present the Spotnicks.

I'm a little fuzzy on the history of this band, but from their space-age outfits, I think they're the ones who did the original versions of such classic songs as "Space Oddity," "Nothing Ever Happens on Mars," and, of course, the soul-stirring "On the Spaceship Lollipop." Classic, classic stuff.

On this album, the Spotnicks have landed in London -- no, really! look at the photo! -- to spread their intergalactic rocking to the swingingest country on this here planet. Apparently, that bobby is giving them directions to the nearest assemblage of impressionable young Brits. Or telling them to bugger off. Hard to say.

Anyway, the arrival of the Spotnicks can only mean that it's once again time for the Friday Random Ten.

For those of you just joining us, here's how it's done, in three easy steps. First, take out whatever music storage device you use -- an iPod, an imitationPod, a 1958 Wurlitzer jukebox, the rhythm-blessed wino on your corner, whatever -- set it to random, and give us the first ten songs that come out. Second, if you'd like to kick it up a notch Elzar-style, rate the songs on a scale of one to ten, with one being the biggest bunch of sucks who ever sucked a suck and ten being a song so cool that it collapses upon itself to form a black hole of coolness that not even Barry White's voice could escape. Third, mock everyone else's music.

Alright, let's do this thing!

1. Speedy West and Jimmy Bryant, "Low Man on the Totem Pole" -- This pair formed the backbone of many a country hit during the '50s, with some pedal steel guitar work that would make a redneck cry. Not exactly cool, this is more along the lines of Grandpa Simpson's getaway music. 6/10

2. Iron & Wine, "Jesus the Mexican Boy" -- I tend to enjoy Sam Beam's narcoleptic folk, but this one is a little bit too sleepy-eyed. And besides, good Americans are now supposed to hate all things Mexican. 5/10

3. Roísín Murphy, "Through Time" -- While I enjoyed her work in the electronica duo Moloko and the visiting teaching job she did at the Handsome Boy Modeling School, this song off her debut solo album is fairly uninspired. Maybe they're going for faux-70s-schlock, but it just sounds like schlock to me. Feh. 3/10

4. Blackalicious, "Blazing Arrow" -- Finally, something presentable. This track, from the album of the same name, is just what you'd expect from the hiphop geniuses of Chief Xcel and Gift of Gab -- blistering fast rhymes, loopy beats, and odd catchy hooks. Nicely done. 9/10

5. Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, "Teacher (How I Love My Teacher)" -- Ugh, I spoke too soon. Again, I normally love Louis Jordan, but this is pretty much a boring tribute to the Martin Princes of the world. This song makes me want to pound nerds until they crumble like a batch of his raisin roundies. 1/10

6. Radiohead, "Morning Bell" -- This is the more uptempo version, from Kid A. Certainly one of my favorites, with an incredibly catchy hook and the best lyrics ever written about a divorce. "Cut the kids in half"? Daaaaaamn. 10/10

7. De La Soul, "Keepin' the Faith (Fly and Funky Mix)" -- Listen, people: subtitles don't lie. This remix is both fly and funky. I think I still prefer the original, but given the crapapalooza I'm having today, I'll grab onto this like a lifevest. 7/10

8. U.N.K.L.E. with South, "Paranoid (UNKLE Variation)" -- A nice, driving instrumental from the outstanding Sexy Beast soundtrack. Since the song has no words, allow me to quote one of my favorite bits from Ben Kingsley's character: "Retired? Fuck off, you're revolting. Look at your suntan, it's leather, it's like leather man, your skin. We could make a fucking suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk? [punch] What you think this is the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and fuck off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, fuck off Don. Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I'm gonna have that? You really think I'm gonna have that, ya ponce?" Man, I'd love to see Kingsley do that monologue as Gandhi. 8/10

9. Bobby Emmons, "Blue Organ" -- This song certainly features some phenomenal work on the Hammond organ, but it isn't even remotely blue. In fact, it's pretty fucking hot. Phenomenal. 10/10

10. Wolfmother, "Love Train" -- Once you've pulled the hard-rocking foot out of your ass, take a look at the website. These guys seem to have all the '70s charm of the Darkness, but with twice as much stolen from Ozzy Osbourne during his Sabbath heyday. Excellent stuff. 9/10

Well, that gives me another underwhelming score on the Coolness Scale, a mediocre 6.8 average. Boo!

Surely, you can do better than that. Drop your own FRT in the comments, with or without the Coolness Self Audit. It's the right thing to do, and a tasty way to do it.

A Question for Beer Lovers, if Any

A few years back, when home brewing was all the rage in the metro DC area, I got swept up in the excitement and tried it a couple-three times. As master brewers will tell you, a good brew requires patience, attention to detail, and a basic level of cleanliness. Possessing none of these, I was unsurprised when my beers tasted more like lightly carbonated shitwine than a lager or stout or whatever it said on the side of the can. But they got me wasted, so I counted it a success.

The fad passed and the stores closed, and all my home brewing gear has been out on the porch for about the last five years. Last week I was cleaning up out there (a.k.a. making room for more crap), and I discovered two full, unopened bottles. The big kinds, like 2.5 beers each.

Question: What are the chances that they're not lethally toxic? I'm willing to risk blindness, but my life insurance has a clause about extreme stupidity. Doubt the wife could collect if I croak.

Dr Phil explains it all

Dr Phil was on Larry King last night, and in an amazing feat of diagnosis told us all why someone would kill 30 people in cold blood.

DR. PHIL: Well, Larry, every situation is different… The question really is can we spot them. And the problem is we are programming these people as a society. You cannot tell me - common sense tells you that if these kids are playing video games, where they’re on a mass killing spree in a video game, it’s glamorized on the big screen, it’s become part of the fiber of our society. You take that and mix it with a psychopath, a sociopath or someone suffering from mental illness and add in a dose of rage, the suggestibility is too high.
And we’re going to have to start dealing with that. We’re going to have to start addressing those issues and recognizing that the mass murders of tomorrow are the children of today that are being programmed with this massive violence overdose.

As a non-psychologist, I would have guessed that the reason someone massacres a bunch of innocent people is that they are batshit crazy. What do I know?

Thankfully, Dr. Phil has explained it all to me, and I know that it is stuff like this clip that turned an innocent boy into a monster.

Jackass.

The Horror, The Horror ...

Over at Deadspin, they have a sneak peek at an upcoming horror flick set in the rough-and-tumble world of ... amateur golf. That scraping sound is the bottom of the barrel, I believe.

Here's the synopsis:

Seven years after the free and easy days of high school, four friends meet up at the "Wide Open" - a wild, after dark, golf tournament. The foursome made up of Ben, Fast, Nick and Jack - now men with separate lives and separate perspectives - reunites in the thick woods of Virginia at Woody Hole Golf Club, which just so happens to reopen just in time to host their annual golf outing. But when a stranger stumbles onto the remote course and into their lives, chaos explodes. Soon, these friends are plunged into a horrifying struggle with hideous creatures determined to destroy them. ...

Just as things look their darkest, a mysterious stranger enters the fight. THE GROUNDSKEEPER, once a promising professional golfer, is now a misunderstood loner. The unexplained disappearance of his son has left him heartbroken and alone. A man with nothing to lose, he fortifies the group. As the reality of the situation and his child's horrifying fate become all too apparent, he rises to the challenge and acts out his own rage-induced revenge.

You do not want to make the Groundskeeper angry. Trust me.

Caption Contest

We tend to devote these caption contests to the current Decider, but since the laugh riot of the Bush administration won't last forever, we might as well try out some of the junior varsity squad.

You know the drill. Have at him.

Activate This

Courtesy of the fine people at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, we're proud to pass along the secret diaries of Zan, the male half of the Wonder Twins.

Here's an excerpt:

January 24: New low today. As Black Lightning and Green Lantern were harassing Aquaman for lame superpower of talking to fish, he responded by saying, "At least I can do more than take the 'form of' an ice ladder!" and stormed out of the room. And he did that air-quote thing when he said "form of." Somehow, that made it much worse.

Enjoy.

Firefox

I've just upgraded to the latest version of Firefox, which for some reason lacks the old version's simplicity in copying images. I used to be able to click on an image and save it to my desktop, but no more.

Anyone out there have a suggestion on how to do this with the new version? Specifically, for Mac users? This will affect the vital world of caption contests and FRT album covers from here on out.

Waterworld

Given the torrential downpour here in the Northeast, I thought we should take a moment to familiarize our readers with the water-logged wasteland that they'll soon be living in. Enjoy!

Any Comment, iRod and StudioD?

At the world’s busiest airport, plainclothes officers patrolling public restrooms in search of luggage thieves have instead uncovered a rash of other, more sordid crimes.

The new restroom dragnet has led to the arrests of more than 30 people in three months for indecent exposure and public sex acts at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Zookeeper, the monkeys are fragging each other!

I welcome our virtual ape overlords.

At 4, Bernas is not the computer wizard his mom is, but he is learning. Just the other day he used his lips and feet to play a game on the touch-screen monitor as his mom, Madu, swung from vines and climbed trees.

The two Sumatran orangutans are part of new Zoo Atlanta research that uses computer games to study the cognitive skills of the primates.

The best part? Visitors to the US zoo get to watch their every computer move.

The orangutans play the games on a touch screen built into a tree-like structure in the habitat to blend in with their environment. Visitors watch from a monitor in front of the orangutan exhibit.

Great, I already have to be humiliated by 12 year olds running circles around me in Counter Strike. A few years from now I'll be chainsawed by a monkey.

Friday Random Ten

Editor's Note: Otto Man is on the road this week, roaming the countryside in a van, solving crimes. In his absence, we bring you a sad, classic episode of the Friday Random Ten from a year or so ago. Remember: It's not a rerun if you don't remember it!

This week's featured album was apparently the result of some Dadaist art collective, pulling random words out of a hat ("... circus ... polka ... clown ... duck ...") to produce the cover art, and then doing the same with the song titles. How else can you explain titles like "Slap Happy Polka" and "Meet the Missus Polka"?

On second thought, the lead-off songs on side two might give a clue to their creative process: "Green Grass Polka" followed by "Dark Cloud Polka." I think we're going to need a urine sample from Chuckles the Clown. Upon closer inspection, that might not be make-up after all.

Anyway.

The disturbing appearance of the clown from Stephen King's It and the Aflac duck can only mean that it's time for another exciting installment of the Friday Random Ten. You know what to do -- set the iPod to random, and give us the first ten songs that surface. And, if you're feeling competitive, toss in a Coolness Self-Audit, too.

Here's mine:

1. Johnny Cash, "The Ballad of Ira Hayes" -- A Columbia era song-story about one of the four soldiers who raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. The story of what happened to those soldiers after their moment in the sun is a tragic one (soon to be a major motion picture, by the way) but the story of Hayes, a Pima Indian, is perhaps the saddest. Cash's song reveals a lot about his liberal sympathies, but it's not much of a tune. 3/10

2. Blondie, "Hanging on the Telephone" -- Classic. What more can I say? 8/10

3. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Blues Explosion Attack" -- This is a collaboration with Calvin Johnson and, once again, I'm let down. This is pretty much Spencer shouting street-corner insanity over a snare drum. Pfft. 2/10

4. Radiohead, "Rhinestone Cowboy (live)" -- A nice gem of a cover from the B-Sides collection. It's hard to do a lot when your inspiration is schlock, but you've got to admire Thom Yorke for going after Glen Campbell and doing it with a straight face. 6/10

5. Shirley Horn, "Return to Paradise (Mark DeClive-Lowe Remix)" -- This is a fairly innocuous remixing of Horn's original jazz tune, the kind of thing you'd find on a Buddha Bar CD compilation. Nice, but not spectacular. 6/10

6. Southern Culture on the Skids, "Mexy-Melt" -- These folks don't normally do the whole surf guitar thing, but you'd never know from this tune. Guitarist Rick Miller is absofuckinglutely on fire here with some angry, unrelenting riffs. 9/10

7. Rocket from the Crypt, "UFO>UFO>UFO" -- Speaking of angry and unrelenting, here's some in-your-grill post-punk from San Diego. I liked "Sturdy Wrists," but this is the kind of screaming cacophony that my father would've referred to as "narcotic music." Bleh. 1/10

8. Ray Charles, "I Got a Woman" -- How's that for an awkward transition? Straightforward Atlantic-era Charles, this is a good song that I can't hear anymore without thinking of Kanye West's "Gold Digger," and, moreover, the "George Bush Doesn't Care about Black People" remix by Legendary K.O. 6/10

9. Sonic Youth, "Ca Plane Pour Moi" -- An interesting cover of the early '80s pseudohit by Belgium's own Plastic Bertrand. The French lyrics seem fun, until you translate them and realize he's singing lines like "Wham! Bam! my cat Splash lies on my bed with his tongue puffed out by drinking all my whisky." Very deep, Felicity. Thanks for sharing. 7/10

10. Jurassic 5, "Break" -- I was in Austin last spring for a wedding the same time that J5 was in town to play a show at Stubbs. Tragically, the show was the same night as the rehearsal dinner, so we couldn't go. Even worse, a friend managed to chat up Charlie Tuna in our hotel lobby just five minutes before I walked in. Stupid timing. Great song. 9/10

That gives me a pathetic 5.7 average. Since I've burned all of our permanent records, I can't say for sure that that's the lowest score I've ever gotten, but it would have to be close.

I know you folks can do better than that. Give us your own Random Ten, with or without your own Coolness Self-Audit, and with or without your own condolences on my incredible uncoolness.

All it needs is a little salt

Suffer the Children. Suffer.

After staying home with the baby for a couple months, I’ve learned a few things. None of this will be news to you parenting vets, but perhaps those of you who haven’t had kids yet can benefit from my experience.

Babies are to lazy social isolates what human shields are to bank robbers. There is nothing a baby can’t get you out of. Social functions, yard work, even church – praise Jeebus, babies can even get you out of church. You still have to go, but at the first peep from the baby you get to jump up and take the baby out of the sanctuary, leaving the suckers to suffer through the Nicene Creed and another sermon on chastity.

Take a baby into the grocery store and you’ll get all sorts of approving looks from women and even some men. Pick up a six pack of beer and the approving looks stop. Pick up a case of cheap domestic macrobrew and feel the cold judgment of a hundred shoppers. Even the cashiers treat you like a leper.

Aside from your wife and maybe the grandparents, nobody thinks it’s cute when your baby takes a huge dump. Nobody.

Just because you’re exhausted by the end of the day doesn’t mean you actually burned any calories. Like a bear preparing for hibernation, your body somehow captures and conserves every fat and sugar globule you eat. And “eat” is a very generous way of describing what you do to food while taking care of a baby. It’s more like what happens in the pie-eating contest in Stand By Me. You get as much food in your mouth as you can and just hope it ends up in the right place.

Photos and videos seem like a great idea, but they can be used against you in the court of motherly and grandmotherly disapproval. You take a picture of the kid being cute in her bouncer, and all grandma sees is that you failed to attach one of the 17 restraining latches. Videotape the baby rolling over for the first time, and all momma sees is that the baby is only six more rolls from leaving the mat and – gasp – touching the floor!

That's it for now. I'll report back as events warrant.

"That's My Theme Music. Every Black Hero Should Have Some"

The lovely and talented Malibu Stacy and I took some out-of-town visitors to the Yankees-Orioles game this weekend. It was a lovely day -- 30 degrees, snow flurries, gale force winds, just a typical April afternoon around these parts.

Anyway. My wife, enjoying the sultry rhythms of the Yankees players as they approached the plate, turned to me and posed a really good question: "What would your at-bat theme song be?"

Man, that's a tough one. It has to be short and sweet, and something I wouldn't get tired of after, what, 150 home at-bats? Plus, there's the matter of taste. I suspect my initial choice -- the Beatnuts' "Do You Know Who You're Fuckin' With?!" -- might not be a family-friendly selection for the stadium. As an alternate, I'll go with that opening bassline from Eric B. and Rakim's "Check the Technique."

What about you?

Caption Contest

In celebration of Easter, here's a photo of the First Lady and friends, taken as always from the delightful pages of Dependable Renegade.

Have at them.

Mission Accomplished (Reason #83)

Is "oops" the proper reaction? (From CNN)

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- Despite claims by some critics that the Bush administration invaded Iraq to take control of its oil, the first contracts with major oil firms from Iraq's new government are likely to go not to U.S. companies, but rather to companies from China, India, Vietnam, and Indonesia.

The Asian firms are at an advantage for several reasons.

First, less constrained by Western sanctions during the Hussein regime, they've been operating in Iraq and know the country's oilfields, said Falah Aljibury, an energy analyst who has advised several Iraqi oil ministers as well as other OPEC nations.

Aljibury said the first contracts likely awarded will be to the Chinese in the south central part of Iraq, the Vietnamese in the south, the Indians along the Kuwaiti border, and the Indonesians in the western desert.

What's the opposite of shame?

While observing Geraldo Rivera during this exchange, I felt...something. Some kind of confusing feeling bubbled to the surface of my mind. It wasn't the same kind of confusion I felt while watching Brad Pitt in Troy, but it was disturbing nonetheless.

Friday Random Ten

In the spirit of Easter, I thought I'd pass on this disturbing album cover from Li'l Richard. As you can see, this isn't Little Richard, but rather Li'l Richard, who apparently escaped from a cartoonish southern world in which Li'l Abner and Elvis Presley had a bastard love child.

And it's not just him, but his All-Stars! Normally, such a label would only refer to a supergroup of musical giants, but here it's apparently an assortment of stuffed bunny rabbit dolls. Because as any good Christian will tell you, nothing commemorates the death and resurrection of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ more than a sad collection of upholstered rodents.

Well, perhaps there's one better way, as Bill Hicks will tell you here. (Warning: Audio NSFW.)

Anyway, the resurrection of Li'l Richard can only mean that it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Lightnin' Hopkins, "Come Go Home with Me" -- Some fairly straightforward blues here, just Hopkins and an acoustic guitar. Nothing too spectacular. 5/10

2. Of Montreal, "A Question for Emily Foreman" -- Dammit, I can't stand this band. Delete, delete, delete. 1/10

3. Bobby Womack, "You're Welcome, Stop on By" -- This song should get the shitty taste out of my mouth. A sultry soul number from a man who's probably best known for some of his blaxploitation flick theme songs, like "Across 110th Street." Only this time, instead of kicking ass, he's waxing it. 9/10

4. Stereolab, "French Disko" -- This may well be my favorite tune by them, a blistering bit of electronica with lyrics drawn from the French revolution. Somehow it works. They recorded a number of versions of this, but the best was one that only appeared on the four-song "Jenny Onodioline" EP. 10/10

5. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Gimme Some Salt" -- This is a live track from an appearance on WOXY. Their vocals always wander off into David Byrne territory, and this is one of the clearest examples. Very nice, if a little odd. 8/10

6. Nada Surf, "Popular" -- Hey, remember them? Me neither. 5/10

7. The Magnetic Fields, "Love Goes Home to Paris in the Spring" -- A beautiful track from the mind of Stephin Merritt. Jangling guitars and a catchy hook, leavened by Merritt's melancholy vocals. Excellent stuff. 9/10

8. Madder Rose, "While Away" -- This group always seemed to reside at the exact midpoint between Mazzy Star and Bettie Serveert on the spectrum of sultry indie pop. Not exactly earth-shattering, but excellent background music for a rainy day. 7/10

9. TV on the Radio, "Ambulance" -- An a capella track from their brilliant first album, Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes. I never would've thought this would work, but by God, it does. 8/10

10. Nina Simone, "I Can't See Nobody (Daniel Y. Remix)" -- As the Verve Remixed series made clear, there's something about Simone's discography that lends itself to fantastic electronica remixes. This is from a new album, Remixed and Reimagined, which tackles Simone's later work. It's a little uneven, but this new rendition is absolutely fantastic. 10/10

Alright, I was all over the place this week, rambling from here to there like a presidential press conference. Despite the early stumbles, I managed to pull it together with a 7.2 average. A Gentleman's C. I guess this really was reminiscent of The Decider™.

Let's see what you've got. Give us your own FRT in the comments, or whatever other thoughts you might have on celebrities like Bill Hicks and Jesus.

If only Bonnie came with it

For the right price, you can own a piece of my childhood:

KITT, the flame-throwing, river-jumping, talking muscle car from the 80s TV show Knight Rider, is up for sale.
Restored to its debut-season glory, the modified black 1982 Pontiac Trans Am is being offered at $US149,995 at a Dublin auto dealership.
Johnny "Vette" Verhoek of Kassabian Motors has had the car, officially called Knight Industries Two Thousand, on display for about a month.
It is one of four documented "camera cars" used for close-up shots and scenes where David Hasselhoff, who played Michael Knight in the series, was behind the wheel.

Unfortunately, every time Michael Knight hit "Turbo Boost," it ripped a huge hole in the ozone:

KITT isn't even street legal because of missing smog equipment and other modifications.

8 inches of hot...

...steaming shit.

A woman survived a fall from a sixth floor balcony when a pile of poo broke her fall.

The lucky - or unlucky - escape happened when the woman was hanging out her laundry.

She suffered only slight injuries in the incident in Nanjing, China.

"She landed in a 20cm thick heap of excrement," the Kuaibao tabloid newspaper gleefully reported.

Nice work if you can get it

Image if they only lost $1 billion...

Struggling Ford Motor Co., which posted a record $12.7 billion net loss in 2006, gave its new CEO Alan Mulally $28 million for four months on the job, according to the company's proxy statement filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission Thursday.

Caption Contest

Even for Dick Cheney, this is incredibly creepy.

Have at him.

Update: Not surprisingly, John Rogers of Kung Fu Monkey is all over this. He and his commenters are on fire.

That word does not mean what I think it means

I had to read this a few times.

Experts attending an ongoing international conference on rapeseed say that China, whose annual rape production is 30 percent of the world total, should use farmland to manufacture bio-diesel, an effort that will reduce its dependency on petroleum-based diesel and cut emissions.

Rape is recognized by scientists the world over as one of the best raw materials for bio-diesel.

And since I'm uneducated in these things, I checked. It's not Chinglish.

"Excuse Me Miss, I Speak Jive"

As part of a lawsuit against Outkast's record label, Rosa Parks' lawyers submitted to the court a "translation" of the band's song "Rosa Parks" from the hiphop language into standard English. The result? Hilarity!

For just a taste, here's how the lawyers translated the song's chorus. Compare and contrast.

Ah ha, hush that fuss
Be quiet and stop the commotion
Everybody move to the back of the bus
OutKast is coming back out [with new music] so all other MCs [mic checkers, rappers, Master of Ceremonies] step aside.
Do you wanna bump and slump with us
Do you want to ride and hang out with us?
We the type of people make the club get crunk
OutKast is the type of group to make the clubs get hyped-up/excited

Be sure to check out the rest of the Andre-English translation and look on in despair.

A tip of my big pimpin' hat to Gorilla Mask for uncovering this gem.

The Empire's Worst Engineer

No, it's not FEMA's Michael Brown. But close.

With all the recent email dumps coming out of the White House, I thought we should provide some point of comparison. Here, then, is a smattering of emails from another evil imperial force -- the worst engineer in the Star Wars galaxy.

Enjoy it, fellow nerds. Thanks to Kung Fu Monkey for discovering this.

"Dan Quayle in Cowboy Boots"

Kevin Drum passes along this scathing appraisal of Bush and Cheney from the Washington Post:

"For all the Rove-built facade of his being a 'strong' chief executive, George W. Bush has been, by comparison to even hapless Jimmy Carter, the weakest, most out of touch president in modern times," Gold writes. "Think Dan Quayle in cowboy boots."

Gold is even more withering in his observations of Cheney. "A vice president in control is bad enough. Worse yet is a vice president out of control."

Ouch. The best part? This wasn't written by some wide-eyed leftist. Nope, the author is Vic Gold, a longtime Republican operative who is a close friend of the Bush and Cheney families.

Or, given the scathing tone of this piece, perhaps that should read "... was a close friend ...." I have no doubt that the Halliburton hired goons are on the way to his door right now.

SCTV

Chicagoans get some great commercials.

Things Learned on the Bus

In the midst of a hilarious takedown of Jonah Goldberg, The Editors make a great point: if you find it difficult to ignore truly wacko statements, try riding the bus.

I used to ride the public bus a lot, like 3 hours every day. So maybe the thought that some dude somewhere said something crazy is less exciting to me than it is to people with less bus-riding expertise. My advice? When the person you are going to have to sit next to for the next hour and a half is obviously batshit insane? Talk about the weather. I have been exposed to the full, glorious panoply of mental illness and brain damage in my time on public transportation, and I have yet to encounter anyone so far gone that they can’t be calmed by polite small talk about the weather.

Amen. There's nothing like being trapped on a bus with at least one nut or crackhead or drunk a couple times a week to desensitize you to crazy talk.

I did once encounter a nut who was immune to smalltalk about the weather, though. We were waiting for the bus (not the same bus, thank goodness) in Arlington, VA. He was 100% sure the air in Arlington was "bad," and he needed to get to Fairfax (the next county over) as soon as possible. The only reason he was able to survive in the Arlington air was because he had a snorkel duct-taped to his nose. I know this because he explained it, in sputtering sentence fragments and at the top of his lungs, over and over again. For added security, he'd blow a whistle really loudly every couple of minutes.

I think he's a deputy secretary over at DHS now.

President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath

With the Decider furiously stamping his feet about "executive privilege" in the fourteen different scandals enveloping his incompetent administration, I'm reminded of this classic segment from the Onion Radio News.

It's a minute of audio that'll start playing when you click the link. And, Lordy, is it worth it.

Friday Random Ten

If you're looking for music as exciting and dynamic as a brown, hardwood-paneled room, look no further than the solo zither stylings of Ludwig.

I'm not entirely familiar with his masterwork, but from the cover of this album, I'm betting he's every bit the equal of Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute. In an ideal world, those two would team up to form a crime-fighting team of musical superheroes. But of course, that'll never happen. Ludwig's a solo zitherist. He plays by his own set of rules, man.

We here play by the classic FRT rules, which were stolen from various points on these here intertubes. (Thanks, Norbizness!) For those of you late to the game, here's how you play. Take out your iThing, set it on random, and confess to the first ten songs. If you want to play the advanced version, throw in a Coolness Self Audit as well, rating the songs on a scale from 1 (Ludwig) to 10 (anti-Ludwig).

Let's do this thing.

1. Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Effigy" -- One of my favorites from CCR, a nice six-minute tribute to Richard Nixon and the damage done by him. A nice off-kilter guitar intro, and then some scorching work throughout the song. Uncle Tupelo covered this for a compilation in the mid-1990s called No Alternative. 10/10

2. Gang Starr, "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" -- That's a nice one-two punch. Guru and DJ Premier here with an infectious track from Step Into the Arena. Very nice. 9/10

3. Hoover, "2 Wicky" -- Sure, it's an extended ripoff of Isaac Hayes' "Walk on By," but can you blame them? It's a shame to see the vocals replaced, but Liesje Sadonius does a sultry job here. Too bad the band lost her and changed the name to Hooverphonic. Not much great happened after that. 7/10

4. Smashing Pumpkins, "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" -- Fairly straightforward late-career angst rock from the Pumpkins here. You know, despite all their rage, they're still just rats in a cage.Wic 6/10

5. Built to Spill, "Strange" -- I'll state confidently that this band is the best thing to ever come out of Boise. There, I said it. 8/10

6. Stevie Wonder, "Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day" -- As incredibly lame as that title is, this song actually has an incredibly funky hook -- nice organ work, good vocal work on the verses -- and then you get to the part of the song where Stevie forgot to write actual lyrics. Eh. 5/10

7. Wilco, "I'm the Man Who Loves You" -- I know Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was hailed by many as the Second Coming of Christ, but I tend to run hot and cold with the album. This song just sounds like a throwaway bit of filler to me. 5/10

8. Radiohead, "I Might Be Wrong (live)" -- From the live album of the same name, this is a scorching version, one of the few live tracks I like better than the original. Blistering guitars here, with a chaotic moment where things get more out of control than Eddie Griffin in a Ferrari. 9/10

9. Modest Mouse, "Missed the Boat" -- Not surprised to see a song from the new Modest Mouse album -- now with 100% more Johnny Marr! -- since it's been dominating my iPod the past two weeks. The album is a little hit-and-miss, with some of the edgier tunes a little too self-consciously awkward. This is one of the catchier, milder ones. Very nice. 8/10

10. Billie Holiday, "I Loves You Porgy" -- Oh, damn. Billie Holiday here at her most heartbreaking. And that's saying quite a bit. I'd say only Nina Simone has done a more wrenching version of this song, but Lady Day's is damn close. 8/10

No real stinkers this week, and that lets me survive with a 7.3 average. Not too shabby.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments below, with or without the self-audit.

Caption Contest

It's been far too long since we did one of these, and this is far too bizarre to pass up. Have at her.

(Image stolen, as always, from Dependable Renegade.)

"But I'll Miss Sheriff Lobo"

This little bit about Cheney, via Dan Froomkin, makes yesterday's victory on the Iraq vote in the senate all the sweeter.

"There was a call that came in from Republican leadership 5:00 to Cheney's office that said look, you need to get down here right away. It looks like the vote is going to be very, very close, very tight. His motorcade sped away, he was on the Hill. As being president of the Senate, he was there for the tie-breaking vote. He did not need to cast that vote, because obviously there was that two-vote spread, so it made it a moot point, but very clearly every step of the way is important to this administration."

Won the vote and made Cheney miss his favorite afternoon reruns. You can't beat that.

Under Pressure

If you haven't been following the unfolding Government Services Administration scandal, you really need to tune in.

The short version is that the GSA -- which funds and maintains federal buildings -- has been politicized, with Karl Rove's office leading a briefing of GSA managers on how they could help Republican candidates in 2008. As Kos notes, it's about as corrupt as corruption gets, a straightforward violation of the Hatch Act.

Anyway, the GSA head, Lurita Doan, just got raked over the coals by the Government Oversight Committee today. Trust me on this and go watch the clip. Her apparent incompetence in the job is only matched by her incompetence before the committee. They have the goods on her misdeeds and aren't shy about rubbing her nose in it -- if this were a murder case, they'd be screening the courtroom her homemade video of the crime and a notarized confession -- and she still insists she doesn't remember. Hilarious. You can almost smell the flopsweat through these here intertubes.

How rattled was she by the end? Apparently, she told an aide to take her water glass when they left the hearing room, because Doan didn't want "them to have my fingerprints. They've got me totally paranoid!"

Stupid Like a Fox!

A nice little bit of schadenfreude from TPM:

White House personnel appear to have been systematically avoiding using their government emails on the job because they knew they might some day be subpoenaed.

But as we noted earlier with Karl Rove, this may have been too clever by half. If the president's aides were using RNC emails or emails from other Republican political committees, they can't have even the vaguest claim to shielding those communications behind executive privilege.

That's a very good point. I know the Republicans believe their party and the current monarchical government we have are one and the same, but legally? Not so much.

Speaking of Rove, check out his appearance in a piece on the 1972 Nixon campaign. Yikes.

Greek to Me

I haven't seen 300 yet, but John Rogers at Kung Fu Monkey has a really interesting take on the politics of the film.

For all the insistence of right-wing folks that the movie is a metaphor for America kicking some Iraqi/Iranian ass, Rogers makes the case that the movie's political meaning is decidedly anti-American. Interesting stuff.

Pepe Le Pew

A recent survey by the Pew Research Center shows that the Republican Party is sinking to incredible new lows in popularity.

As you can see by the chart here to the right, the GOP is currently ranking somewhere between the ebola virus and a wet hot fart on the list of things Americans like. And since President Petulant Pissypants has stamped his feet and insisted he's never ever ever going to change course -- he's the Decider, dummies! Nyah nyah nyah! -- we can expect these trend lines to continue.

By the time Bush leaves office, I expect the Republican Party in NAMBLA territory. (My apologies for the unintended Mark Foley pun.) Seriously, given how much damage Bush is doing to his party's reputation right now, we could see the Republicans move to impeach him before the Democrats ever do.

There's an interesting rundown of what the poll says and what it means over at Crooked Timber. Rather than excerpting some of it here, I think you might as well read the whole damn thing. Have at it.

Green Brown Paper

If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make thank you notes out of animal feces?

Oh wait -- they can.

The Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand already sells multicoloured paper made from the excrement produced by its two resident pandas. Making paper there involves a daylong process of cleaning the feces, boiling it in a soda solution, bleaching it with chlorine and drying it under the sun.

If you're worried the love note sprayed with perfume won't be as romantic, don't fret.

"People won't find it gross at all," Liao said. "They probably won't even be able to tell it's from panda poop."

The only problem is deciding which is more environmentally friendly: panda poop or elephant flop?

Praise Jeebus!

The best NFL news since T.O. signed with Dallas.

Joe Theismann will no longer be part of the network's "Monday Night Football" broadcast and will be replaced as an analyst by Ron Jaworski, the former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, the network announced Monday.

Now if I can just get them to bring back Verne Lundquist.

What NASA hath wrought

I can only assume that the grand prize was Judge Judy rich.

Saturday a large underground video game tournament featuring the popular Xbox 360 game Gears Of War came to a surprising end.

Among the sixty plus competitors was a very determined team of young adults and one teenager who were equipped with disposable adult diapers. Security for the rented warehouse was forced to remove one of the players after others complained of the “septic tank like smell” coming from a nearby 16 year old gamer.

The team had the intention of only using the diapers for “an emergency trip” but after the 16 year old had consumed five cans of a caffeine loaded drink called a Spike Shooter he claimed he just couldn’t hold “it”. And “it” being the worst kind or it. Being the dedicated gamer he was he just tried to ignore his accident.

Reactions:
1) I didn't know that there was such a thing as "underground" video game tournaments. How, exactly, would this be illegal?
2) Sixteen years old? Really?
3) To make extra money, I may spend weekends at the senior center selling Spike Shooter as a laxative.

Things learned from Harper's Index

Amount by which the salary of Judge Judy exceeds the salaries of all nine Supreme Court justices combined: $26,000,000

In the Porta John

Saw this over at KSK and enjoyed it enough to post it over here.

Friday Afternoon Giggle

Enjoy the weekend!

Friday Random Ten

This album from Oral Roberts takes on a whole new meaning these days.

Oral Roberts, for those of you who don't remember, is the televangelist who insisted in 1980 that he'd seen a vision of a 900-foot-tall Jesus Christ and, then in 1987, said that God told him if he didn't raise $8 million dollars in a couple months, God would "call him home." (Oral Roberts apparently sees God as an intimidating double threat -- a 900-foot-tall shot-blocker on the court and a bossy motivating coach off it. No wonder Oral Roberts University made it to March Madness this year.)

Needless to say, wacky televangelist Oral Roberts's insistence that "We are Partners" and belief that we've "joined in a Blessing-Pact" sounds a little suspicious these days. I doubt you'd see a leader of the Religious Right making such double-entendres today, what with the heated debates over gay marriage. Well, maybe Ted Haggard.

Speaking of holy unions, it's time for the FRT. Man, I wish I had some MC 900 Ft Jesus on my iPod, because you know it would make a command appearance here.

1. Notorious B.I.G., "Party and Bullshit (Ratatat Remix)" -- There are very few artists who are capable of remixing a hiphop hit in a way that makes it sound like their new version was actually the original vision. Ratatat is one of them. They've added some fuzzed out guitars and a killer hook to Big Poppa's vocals. Highly recommended. 10/10

2. The Detroit Cobras, "Cry On" -- The Cobras are a nice throwback to the old Motown sound with just enough modern sauciness thrown in to make a difference. They're sort of the R&B analogue of Rev. Horton Heat. I normally like the cut of their jib, but this is a somewhat mediocre effort. 6/10

3. Gnarls Barkley, "Transformer" -- I really like half of this album, but the other half (which includes this tune) is just a little too precociously busy for my tastes. This song sounds like what you'd get if Pee Wee Herman produced an Outkast CD. 4/10

4. William Shatner, "Common People" -- I think I enjoyed the William Shatner Experience back when he wasn't in on the joke with us. To his credit, he's made peace with the world of campy, self-mocking -- see also West, Adam -- but the music just doesn't do it for me when it doesn't seem sincere. Eh. 5/10

5. Rufus and Chaka Khan, "You Got the Love" -- Damn straight. This may be my favorite Rufus tune, slightly edging out the funkier but slower "Tell Me Something Good." Whatever. It's musical gold, Jerry. Gold! 10/10

6. The Roots with Common, "Love of My Life (live)" -- The slow opening of this song is absolutely fantastic, especially the ways in which they slowly creep the organ and drum into the vocals. It's like a goddamn ninja, I tells ya! One of the two times I've liked the live release of a song better than the original album version. (The other, since you're dying to know, is Radiohead's "I Might Be Wrong.") 9/10

7. Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Someday Never Comes" -- Lordy, do I loves me some CCR. 8/10

8. The Beanuts, "Muchachacha" -- I suppose the greatest fame of the Beatnuts is that J.Lo shamelessly stole the beats from their excellent "Watch Out Now" for her crappy "Jenny from the Block." This is an equally funky tune from the same album (theirs, not J.Lo's) and it's got some saucy lyrics. "Taste dick when you're kissin' your girl? / You should, 'cause she swallows more nut than a squirrel." I believe they're up for the Gloria Steinhem Lifetime Achievement Award at this year's NOW Convention. 8/10

9. Dead Prez, "Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)" -- I have a soft spot for this song, merely because the third verse was lifted and used brilliantly in a Diplo remix of TV on the Radio's "Staring at the Sun." The original version is pretty sweet, except for the lame-ass chorus. (There's a reason Diplo only stole the verse.) Good, but not great. 6/10

10. Broken Social Scene, "Handjobs for the Holidays" -- How can you not love a song with a heart-warming title like that? Nice catchy indie pop from a band that's quickly ingratiating its way into my heart. 8/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.4 average. I had it all this week -- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles -- and yet somehow balanced out with my Coolness Tank at nearly three-quarters full. I'll take it.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments below, or else free associate with my own selections and/or ratings. Surely, we've got at least one Shatner apologist in the house, right?

Rule 34: a case study

Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it.

Last link NSFW, duh.

This just in...

Fried meat slathered with saltified sugar syrup is bad for you.

A plate of General Tso’s chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day.

The battered, fried chicken dish with vegetables has 1,300 calories, 3,200 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of saturated fat.

Snow Job

White House Spokesman Tony Snow, a.k.a. the fastest dancing man in show business, just held a press conference today on the U.S. Attorney purge.

CNN's Ed Henry had a couple terrific questions for him -- all ready for your viewing pleasure at Crooks & Liars -- but the best shot may have been this observation off camera:

I followed up a question about executive privilege. You heard Tony Snow at the end there saying the president has no recollection of being involved in this decision to fire the US attorneys. So we asked the question then, well why are you citing executive privilege -- or at least suggesting you will, and yesterday the president said the principle at stake here is candid advice from his advisers to the president -- if the president was not involved in the decision, then how can you cite executive privilege on something he was really not involved in? And Tony Snow basically said, it's a good question and I don't know the answer.

Yeah, it's pretty hard to invoke the doctrine of "executive privilege" to cloak a conversation and simultaneously insist that the chief executive wasn't involved in it. What an idiot.

As tough as Henry's been on him, Snow will also have to deal with this tough attack from yet another reporter:

Evidently, Mr. Bush wants to shield virtually any communications that take place within the White House compound on the theory that all such talk contributes in some way, shape or form to the continuing success and harmony of an administration. Taken to its logical extreme, that position would make it impossible for citizens to hold a chief executive accountable for anything. He would have a constitutional right to cover up.

Chances are that the courts will hurl such a claim out, but it will take time.

One gets the impression that Team Bush values its survival more than most people want justice and thus will delay without qualm. But as the clock ticks, the public's faith in Mr. Bush will ebb away for a simple reason: Most of us want no part of a president who is cynical enough to use the majesty of his office to evade the one thing he is sworn to uphold: the rule of law.

The reporter who laid down this scathing attack on executive privilege? None other than our boy Tony Snow.

In the original version, he was referring to President Clinton in insisting how invalid "executive privilege" was. However, that was way back in 1998. I know White House officials have incredibly poor memories, so I thought I'd make it a little more contemporary to help him get his walnut-sized brain around it.

You're welcome, Tony!

Studiodave: resident genius

If he really patented the phrase, that is.

Dead Pool for Gonzo

I was slumming around on the tubes this morning, and I read this over at Mike's place:

President Bush sent a powerful message of support Tuesday for embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, calling his longtime friend to express unwavering support in the face of calls for his resignation.

Stick a fork in him, he's done; he's getting the "heckuva job" treatment.

The only question now is when. Mike suggests the end of this week, which sounds about right to me. In fact, here's my exact forecast: Friday, 6:15 pm. Next job? I hear the Arabian horse association is looking for someone.

You got a guess? Let's hear it.

Fair and Balanced

Courtesy of Kos, I'm thrilled to pass along this video clip that might just be the perfect distillation of Faux News's very essence.

It's a four-minute clip, with the first three minutes devoted to wild speculation that the stock market recently took a sharp dip because Wall Street is currently in a panic that a far-left evil liberal evil leftist like Hillary Clinton might get the Democratic nomination a year from now and, even though a far-lefty-leftist-leftorium like Hillary Clinton could never win the presidency -- because she's so far lefty left left -- the economy would still crumble at the very prospect that she might raise taxes on the richest one percent of Americans, because, you see, she's such a far-left-leftist-lefty.

I'll give you a second to go back and count the laughers in there. Done? OK.

As funny as that part is, they then cut to an actual analyst on the floor of the stock exchange to ask him if people are worried that an even more extreme far-far-far-leftist -- perhaps even that radical Barack Obama, who, sources have it, is partially black! -- would get the nomination. The analyst sheepishly says he hasn't heard a word about it. The host immediately brushes his "facts" away and gets the panel right back to their conservative circle jerk.

Priceless.

Fourth and Long

Well, it's the fourth anniversary of Operation Awesome Kickass™ in Iraq. If you're wondering what to get a country for the fourth anniversary, apparently Miss Manners recommends widespread chaos and a civil war. You're welcome, Iraq!

As TCR notes, the White House is getting a little touchy about reaching the four-year mark:

During this morning’s press gaggle, Tony Snow told reporters that Bush will use the speech to attack the House plan for Iraq as a “recipe for defeat” that would “provide a victory for the enemy.”

CNN’s Ed Henry told Snow that since he was attacking the House plan, he should explain the Bush administration’s “recipe for success.” According to Henry, Snow “tried to turn it around on me,” asking Henry what his recipe for success was. When Henry objected to Snow’s question, Snow told him to “zip it.”

Henry reported, “Snow later apologized. He said he felt that was inappropriate for him to say that to me. But I point it out because I think it shows the White House a little bit on the defensive this morning about this anniversary.”

A little bit on the defensive?

I mean, really -- "Zip it"? That's about three seconds removed from Snow asking Henry if he wanted a fat lip for mouthing off again.

At this rate, we're only a week or so away from the White House press briefing turning into an episode of "COPS," with Tony Snow drunkenly weaving behind the podium in a wife-beater T-shirt and no pants, and a bloodied, broken Sam Donaldson cowering behind a folding chair, insisting that "he didn't mean it, officer; he's a good man!"

2008 - The YouTube Election

Mega Dittoheads to all. Here is the first of what I'm sure will be a million approved / unapproved / secretly approved YouTube advertising blitzes. This could be a long election. Enjoy this anit-Hillary piece.



UPDATE : Am I the first to coin this election? Patent pending.

Drunk of the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day, folks.

Before you start slurring your vision and blurring your speech, let's get the ball rolling with an Irish drinking joke:

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Feel free to use this as an open thread for your favorite Irish jokes or, better yet, drunken postings of your own.

Friday Random Ten

For the first time here at the Friday Random Ten, I'm featuring a bizarre album cover that I actually used to own. Well, technically, my parents owned it, but I'm pretty sure it was purchased for my benefit. If not, me and my Dad really need to have a talk. Or an intervention.

At the time, I'm pretty sure I didn't catch the Springsteen reference -- I was four, so cut me some slack -- but I have to think that the good people from E Street might have been unsure of how to react to this honor from the good people of Sesame Street. On the one hand, you've clearly made it big when you're the basis for a spoof like this. On the other, you can't be too thrilled with the muppets cast to play you. Seriously, who should be more pissed off? Clarence Clemons, who is replaced here by the semi-retarded, bakery-addicted Cookie Monster? Or the Boss himself, who is replaced by a dorkily-dressed meganerd with an odd fondness for pigeons and his longtime male companion?

And don't get me started on who's missing. How do you have a Sesame Street album called "Born to Add" without featuring the Count? Ouch.

Anyway, it's time to add up ten songs here for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing, Mr. Blooper!

1. Bill Haley, "Thirteen Women (And Only One Man in Town)" -- A nice bit of early rock'n'roll from a man most of us associate with the opening credits of "Happy Days." The song's all about how sweet it would be if the world were destroyed by atomic bombs, except for Haley and his harem. You know, you rarely hear about the upside of nuclear war. Good for you, Bill. Good for you. 7/10

2. Al Green, "Simply Beautiful" -- One of my favorite songs by the Reverend Al. This sultry soul tune is so damn seductive, I just made out with my PowerBook. I couldn't help myself. 9/10

3. The Roots, "Star/Pointro" -- The opening track off their terrific Tipping Point CD, this tune begins with some nice sampling from Sly Stone's "Everybody is a Star" and a simple guitar hook, and then Black Thought just runs away with it. Excellent. 10/10

4. Lou Reed, "Street Hassle" -- A different sort of sound from Reed here, with a string section and some plodding bass lines alternating. Nice stuff, but it goes on for eleven minutes. Eh. 5/10

5. The Kinks, "Johnny Thunder" -- From the incredibly uneven album, The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society, the album with "Picture Book" and other early semihits. This one has its moments, but there's just too much of the "lalala" and "bababa" lyrics to make it work. 6/10

6. Erick Sermon, "Music" -- When this song came out, I was convinced it had to be a different Erick Sermon. I loved EPMD, but those guys had really been out of the spotlight for a decade or so when this tune started chewing up R&B radio here in New York. But it's the one and the same man -- the Green Eyed Bandit, Erick Onassis, the E-Double. Nice to have him back. 8/10

7. Silver Jews, "People" -- I'm one of those people who's convinced that everything the guys in Pavement did was all downhill from the first album on. (For the record, I choose to believe they've gotten lamer, not that I've gotten older.) Two of the Pavement boys glommed onto this band in the mid-90s, and I've never gotten into them. This song, however, does get points for apparently being the inspiration for the band name Suburban Kids with Biblical Names. 4/10

8. Björk, "I Miss You (Photek Mix)" -- I've got a couple other remixes of this song, and this is easily the worst. Very stripped down, with some awkward horns and a drum-and-bass rhythm that was apparently smuggled out of 1998 inside an Oasis CD. Pfft. 2/10

9. Silversun Pickups, "Well Thought Out Twinkles" -- One of their songs where the similarities to the Smashing Pumpkins move from "slight coincidence" to "label lawsuit." If you're waiting for Billy Corgan to get his bizarre shit together and put out a new Pumpkins CD, you might as well kill some time with this one. Solid, if unoriginal. 7/10

10. Fatlip, "What's Up, Fatlip?" -- Another old rapper making a comeback. Fatlip was part of the Pharcyde back in their all-too-short career in the '90s. I have a few tracks off this new album, and they're all pretty solid, like this one. 7/10

Somehow this turned into a very special "Where Are They Now?" edition of the FRT, and even with a collection of hasbeens and neverweres, I still managed to pull out a decent 6.5 average. I can live with that.

Feel free to reminisce about the mid-'90s in the comments below or, better yet, drop your own FRT there.

State of the Unions

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Prediction: iRod Becomes Finnish Citizen in Record Time

Why?

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish member of parliament is aiming for re-election by campaigning with a translation of his Web site into Klingon, used in the TV series "Star Trek."

I tried to read his page, but I'm still not sure where he stands on Romulan-Vulcan intermarriage.

Purge

Another busy day today, so not much posting.

But TPM and Kevin Drum are tracking a developing story you need to read. This US Attorney purge is really starting to blow up.

Fairly Unbalanced

Courtesy of Atrios, I'm happy to pass along this montage of screen stills from Fox News. Priceless.

Support the Troops

Bill Maher had a segment last night with retired Major Gen. Paul Eaton, the man who was originally responsible for training the Iraqi troops. He had nothing but scorn for the Bush administration:

"We've got this thing that so many military believe that Republican administrations are good for the military. That is rarely the case. And, we have to get a message through to every soldier, every family member, every friend of soldiers that the Republican party, the Republican dominated Congress has absolutely been the worst thing that's happened to the United States Army and the United States Marine Corps."

Crooks & Liars has the video. Well worth watching.

Are YOU Ready To RUMMMMMBLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!

It is on. The Faux News division has "pulled an Adam Coulter" and gone one step to far.

POINT: Comments on Thursday by FOX News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes, when he jokingly compared Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, to Osama bin Laden, "went too far," and prompted Nevada Democrats to end the partnership.

"We cannot, as good Democrats, put our party in a position to defend such comments," the letter said. "In light of his comments, we have concluded that it is not possible to hold a presidential debate that will focus on our candidates and are therefore cancelling our August debate. We take no pleasure in this, but it is the only course of action."

COUNTERPOINT: FOX NEWS OFFICIAL STATEMENT 'News organizations will want to think twice before getting involved in the Nevada Democratic Caucus which appears to be controlled by radical fringe out-of-state interest groups, not the Nevada Democratic Party. In the past, Moveon.org has said they ‘own’ the Democratic party — while most Democrats don’t agree with that, it’s clearly the case in Nevada' -- David Rhodes, VP

So Fox went straight for the spin of the MoveOn.org part of the party - totally bypassing the point of pulling out of the agreement. I refer to this as the "look at the wookie" defense. I know we have low standards for Faux, but think about it - a news organization didn't even consider the facts in its own PR releases. Now *that* is delusional. If I were head of ABC News, I would run this story for weeks.

People Who Annoy You - "N*ggers"

Yet again South Park shows some stones as the only comedy show willing to tackle *any* taboo.

Here's a clip from last night's show, be sure and catch the whole thing in reruns.

Binge and Purge

There's a terrific clip from MSNBC's Countdown over at Crooks & Liars about the U.S. Attorney purge.

Constitutional law scholar Jonathan Turley has a great bit at the end, complete with a line about how U.S. Attorneys are supposed to be independent, and not have to "look over their shoulders for Karl Rove coming after them with a wood chipper."

Friday Random Ten

I know what you're thinking. "Why Liberace now? Why not Liberace later? Or, better yet: Liberace never? Please?"

Well, I'm reminded of the wise words of Dan Aykroyd: "Don't try to fight it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it -- you're spending the night with Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute." Sorry, folks. Liberace Now.

Resistance is futile.

But, that said, we here at LLatPoN abide by the conventions of civilized nations and, as such, will grant the condemend one last wish before their summary liberacution. And I know what each and every one of you would ask for -- another Friday Random Ten. Your last wish is my command.

1. The Stanley Brothers, "Loving You Too Well" -- Some sweet, sweet bluegrass from one of the classic groups. Terrific vocal harmonizing and great banjo and guitar work. Ralph Stanley is still touring and kicking ass, and came through New York a couple months ago. Sadly, I couldn't make the show. But I'm sure an octagenarian like him has a couple more tours in him, right? Right? Crap. 7/10

2. Reverend Horton Heat, "Jonny Quest/Stop That Pigeon" -- This is a medley from a collection of indie rockers covering classic cartoon themes. The "Jonny Quest" half is unbelievably scorching, but the song craps out when they switch over to the lesser song of a lesser cartoon in the second half. Meh. 5/10

3. R.E.M., "Wake Up Bomb" -- I've been an R.E.M. fan ever since I stumbled across Reckoning as a high school freshman, and all things considered, New Adventures in Hi-Fi might be my favorite album of theirs. This is one of the weaker songs on it, I think, but still solid. 6/10

4. Lowell Fulsom, "Tramp" -- What a great tune. A classic R&B strutter, with a ton of attitude on vocals and an irresistable stomp of a guitar riff. De La Soul ripped this off for "Keepin' Tha Faith," and with good reason. This may well be one of my favorite songs of all time. 10/10

5. Dead or Alive, "You Spin Me Right Round" -- Um ... yeah. Next. 3/10

6. Iron & Wine with Calexico, "All Tomorrow's Parties" -- I'm generally a sucker for indie-folk covers of rock songs (see also Jose Gonzalez, Mat Weddle, etc.), even though part of me fears I'm being tricked into liking my generation's version of elevator Muzak. Whatever. This is a very nice take on the Velvet Underground tune. 8/10

7. Tegan and Sara, "Walking with a Ghost" -- Catchy as hell, with a simple hook and some sweet lyrics from the ladies. 9/10

8. Albert Collins, "Doin' My Thing" -- This is, indeed, Albert doing his thing. If you're not familiar with his thing, it's a nice bit of Chicago blues, blending his electric guitar with some horns and Hammond organ. Solid, if not exactly mind-blowing. 6/10

9. Fishbone, "Freddie's Dead" -- As much as I like covers and love Curtis Mayfield, this one just doesn't do much for me. A little too much anger from the Boneyard here, and the metal guitar and late '80s synthesizers don't help. Eh. 5/10

10. Pussy Galore, "Rocks Off" -- I may need an intervention for the cover-song addiction. Well, in any case, you've got to admire a band that begins a Stones cover with what sounds like 20 seconds of a Tourette's victim snapping over and over, "I hate your fucking guts!" Plus, they're named after the hottest Bond girl of all time! 7/10

After soaring high for two straight weeks, it looks like I've fallen back down to earth with a middling 6.6 average. I'd like to blame this on the mascara rock of Dead or Alive, but this week was full of misfires. Oh well.

Let's see what you all have got. Drop your own FRT in the comments below, with or without the coolness commentary.

And since I made it through this entire post without a link, let me recommend "Clell Tickle: Indie Marketing Guru." It features the dudes from the forthcoming MTV comedy show "Human Giant," though the best bit features Rob Riggle from "The Daily Show" as Hambone, a hired goon described as a "former child arsonist. That's right -- he used to set children on fire."

Breaking News

This just in:

DURHAM, NC. (TPP) -- Duke University, known for its teary-eyed athletes, mathematics team, and raping contests, is reportedly under suspicion for testing nuclear weapons and housing terrorists training facilities on its campus. .... Authorities say the school has been under suspicion for some time after Hitler's remains were uncovered along with a laundry list of Taliban contacts and terror plots last summer in "Krzyzewskiville," a student haven for pi-reciting virgins and Star Wars enthusiasts.

For the rest of this disturbing story, check out The Phat Phree.