Theismann has always been the weakest link in the ESPN booth, but he's taken his douchebaggery to a whole new level lately. While he used to sit there and play the amiable dunce to Mike Patrick's sage play-by-play and Al Maguire's oddering commentary, now that he's paired up with straight man Mike Tirico and smartass Tony Kornheiser, Theismann's true imbecility has really come to the forefront.
I'll let the KSK crew take over from here, with a snippet of their open letter to Tony Kornheiser:
The rest is just as funny and twice as blue. Enjoy.Dear Tony:
You see this guy right here? This is Joe Theismann, your large-prostated broadcasting partner and shining example of why professional football players need thicker helmets. I need to urgently tell you something, and that is that this guy is trying to fuck you over. Now, I'm sure you already know this. It's not as if Joe Theismann has spent his whole life outwitting people. No, his intentions are fairly out in the open. He's like the retarded Iago to your whiter, Jewisher Othello. ....
You need support, and this dickface isn't giving it to you. He's a fucking jock-sniffer. He's like the white Stephen A. Smith, only dumber and with a bigger afro. .... It's not too late to fix this. I'm pretty sure you make more money than Theismann. ESPN courted you for the job, while Theismann probably accepted taking his salary in Brach's Caramels to stay on the air.
For my own part, every time I hear Thiesmann make a dipshit comment, I just like to go watch this classic moment in time.
16 comments:
"Theismann (rhymes with 'douchebag')" made me laugh harder than I have since watching Clerks II.
And of course, a Simpsons quote is relevant here:
(Homer has rented Football's Greatest Injuries)
Marge: Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take.
TV: [crunch] Augh!
Homer: Oh, great, you made me miss Joe Theismann!
WF
Otto-
You went where no man should go: The moment where LT gave Theismann (rhymes with ass-clow) his third knee.
Anyhow, much as I hate Theismann (rhymes with bad announcer), there's no way you or anyone can tell me he's worse than Paul "Al" McGuire.
I want you to look here, yeah right here, and "bam" that's where I prove I'm the worst announcer . . .
Well, Maguire seemed to laugh at himself at least. Theismann thinks he's above reproach. It's like he's vying for the Holy Joe championships with Lieberman.
I can't wait until someone makes me angry just so I can call him "a retarded Iago."
For the record, I am the guy who kind of likes Paul Maguire. Before they got used to broadcasting in widescreen, you'd catch his pack of Marlboros where the regular-ratio TVs couldn't see it.
I absolutely cannot stand Maguire. If listening to Theeseman is like walking across hot coals, then listening to Fat Paul is walking across hot coals with a hot iron in each hand...
Glad you're enjoying the KSK, Otto.
It's the gift that keeps on giving, Mr F. Thanks again.
Whatever your feelings about Theismann and Maguire, can we all agree that it's a crime that Mike Patrick -- my favorite announcer in football -- got edged out of the seat?
Mike Patrick -- my favorite announcer in football
Otto, your gift of satire is untouched . . . but this has gone too far.
Retract or repent! Out, vile spirit!
{The holy water, Furious, get the holy water! Otto's possessed.}
Nope, I'm standing firm. Patrick does all the stuff you need from a play-by-play guy -- gets the calls right, IDs the players correctly, and gets out of the way.
Who's your favorite, Mike?
I know it's the unpopular choice, but I like Greg & Phil. Gumble's innocuous enough, and I like Simm's shtick.
Al Michaels always delivers, regardless of who he's paired with.
Honestly, maybe I'd like Patrick more if not for Frick & Frack the past 18 years or so. I actually liked McGuire as a studio guy, but as a game caster, I have to put bars over the windows before game time.
Oh, and before last season I liked Moose Johnston as a color guy, his Cowboyness notwithstanding. But last year, the cliche cops were on his tail all season long.
Speaking of Cowboys, I think Aikman's pretty good. Who'd he pair up with? That was a good team.
For my money, Madden & Summerall, circa maybe 1984, was the best I've seen.
And 1985 MNF, featuring . . . both Broadway Joe and the Juice. Untoppable. And unintelligable.
That was some sweet, well-directed profanity from the Suz guys. But I think they've got it slightly wrong: Theismann's not singling out Tony, he throws everyone under the bus.
I got Otto's back on Mike Patrick. Probably my favorite play-by-play man out there.
Here in DC, we had the best treat this weekend: Mike Patrick and Riggo calling the Washington preseason game. The game was so freakin' bad (41-0, even though DC played starters deep into the 3rd) the guys basically improv'd the whole second half. Hi-freakin'-larious.
Oh yeah, MacGuire was a walking, screaming hell.
Greg and Phil are a great team, probably my second favorite. I think Moose Johnston does a great job too; I forget the guy who they pair him with, but they work well together. I like Moose way better than Troy, actually. Troy just never says anything, it seems.
The horror which I can't stand to watch yet cannot look away: the ESPN Berman-Jackson-Irvin-Young-Ditka crapfest.
I'm with you on Greg and Phil, and Moose has been a surprisingly good color man.
Wish I could say the same for my former Chiefs linesman Bill Maas, who seems intent on taking the Madden blueprint and dumbing it down by 50%.
I like Michaels alright -- especially when he realizes the only people watching the end of the 4th Q are the inveterable gamblers, like me. But ever since we got HDTV and I can see the strands of the delicate combover, he creeps me out. Plus, he's a conservative who can't keep the politics quiet. And, worst sin of all, a Madden enabler.
Phil Simms? Are you guys serious? He annoys me more than Madden. (Yeah, that's right.) The way he force-fed players his mother's cobbler and then whined for a compliment alone is reason enough to wish him off the air.
Theisman is a tool, but the old Sunday Night guys were for my money the most entertaining group last year. Even with Theismann (rhymes with killjoy).
...and the "all iron" team? Yeah, cause when I think of pasty white QBs, the first element on the periodic table I think of is iron. Simms wishes he were associated with Fe. He's He all they way.
I forgot about his Thanksgiving schtick, iRod. Ugh.
I'll stand by the lesser half of TV's "Gumble to Gumble," but Simms is cut from the list. You too, shushy!
Simms is cut from the list
Ouch! I'm getting smacked around {ouch!} without mer -- {ouch!} -- cy here.
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