Where's My Commercial?

This is some of the best crime reporting I've read in a while.

A 48-year-old man woke up Sunday morning unable to remember how he got into bed, what happened the night before or where his pants went.

Eugenio Pagan, of West Park Avenue, called police at 2 p.m. Sunday to report that someone stole his wallet with $3,500 in it, according to a police report.

The wallet was in his pants, which were taken off his body.

He said he was drinking the night before on his front porch with four friends. The next thing he knew, he woke up in bed in his underwear, according to the report.

His bedroom door and front door were locked.

Pagan's keys and cell phone were also gone.

He called two of his friends, who said it was his cousin who put him to bed.

Even Pagan only knew his cousin by the name of "Fufia," and he said he lives at Walnut Villas Apartments, but he didn't know what apartment.

Pagan said his cousin is a former drug user, so he wouldn't be surprised if he took his pants.

If you divide the amount of money by 100, this was me every night from 18-26. Thanks, guys, for not taking my pants. Except for that one time.