Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I Am, In Fact, Ready for Some Football

After eight grueling months of wasting my time on diversions like my career and loved ones, I'm thrilled to realize that football season has officially begun.

This past Sunday saw the start of the NFL preseason with the Hall of Fame Game from lovely Canton, Ohio. The game itself wasn't too exciting, just a chance to see which new players will be setting records for penalties in the Raiders' uniforms this season. And the Hall of Fame ceremonies were a little boring. I was wondering how they'd find a material dense enough to represent the John Madden's head, but apparently they just went with bronze.

In the end, the Hall of Fame Game is important not for what it does, but for what it portends -- the start of the real season. It's sort of the Punxatawny Phil of the NFL, except Madden's so fat you know he's going to see his solar-eclipse shadow and thus guarantee seventeen more weeks of pro football. (Why, yes. I do hate John Madden.)

The next step, of course, is the start of fantasy football. At the risk of sounding like this hilarious douchebag, I absolutely love fantasy football. It somehow manages to ramp my football fandom all the way up to eleven, making me care about how many receiving yards a backup Steelers TE got against the Colts or whether Neil Rackers's third field goal was an amazing 50 yards or just a boring old 49. It's sad, I know, but it keeps me warm on the couch come Sundays. Well, that and the rosy glow I get from light alcohol poisoning.

Anyway, my first draft is tonight, with a second league's draft following in a couple weeks. (I once tried to do three at once, but I discovered, like Jerry Seinfeld, that I'm just not an orgy guy. With all that distraction, I was barely able to dress myself.) I've got facts and figures and, most important, gut feelings that will prove to be horribly, horribly wrong. To paraphrase Hedley Lamarr, my mind is a-glow with whirling transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention!

I know I'm not alone in this sickness, so we'll turn this into a forum for all things football, fantasy and otherwise. For starters, if you haven't read Bill Simmons' Page 2 column on the subject, be sure to check it out.

P.S. Thrillhous? You're cut.


Thrillhous said...

Alright!!! No more jock strap!!

Mike said...

Hmmmm, first comment eaten by the ethernet.

Anyhoo, I said:

Football??? Is that the game they start playing after I stop watching baseball, in early November?

Or is it the game in which my team has failed to win the championship since 1969?

Either way, Let's Go Mets.

Otto Man said...

You're dead to me, Mike. Dead!

Mike said...

Next you'll tell me you're a Dolphins fan.

Otto Man said...

Pfffft. The Dolphins are pathetic, from their Class of '72 Schadenfreude Champagne to those stupid Dan Marino Isotoner ads, all the way to their lame-ass colors and Flipper-through-a-fire-hoop logo.

For the record, I am a Chiefs fan. They've never won it in my lifetime and I swear to you, on the soul of Hank Stram's toupee, they are due!

Thrillhous said...

I'm with you on the Mets thing, Mike (warning: I'm a MAJOR fair-weather fan), but I loves me some football.

Ahh, the Maddening post. I happen to like Madden, but I like Otto ripping him even more. I saw a couple minutes of Madden's acceptance speech at the HoF; damn, dude's short on brain cells these days.

As far as the Dolphins go, they are actually my favorite AFC team. My opinion of their coach, Nick Saban, went way up when he showed the good sense to not waste a couple of perfectly good film-watching hours by eating with the fratboy in chief. Why Wilbon got upset about it, I just can't figure.

Mike said...

To paraphrase Muhammed Ali (looooooooosely), "I ain't got no problem with them Chiefs. None of them ever said 'Same Old Jets.'"

Now as to Thrillhouse's Dolphins . . . hmmm, what's that old saw about saying nothing when you've nothing good to . . . or what was it again?

Otto Man said...

That Wilbon piece is staggering. Maybe Saban didn't want to eat with Bush because he thinks he's an idiot and didn't want to lend his stamp of approval to him. The Clinton anecdote seems to suggest he has different political tendencies, at least.

TravisG said...

That Saban fella seems to know what he's doing. I'm a long-suffering Bengals fan, but I've had a soft spot in my heart for the Dolphins ever since I won a championship with them against some of my friends in our Madden dynasty. My friend Neil plays that shit like a paying job, so that was a difficult accomplishment.

I love football, but I fucking hate fantasy football. I have enough reasons to cuss.

Otto Man said...

Why deprive yourself of the joys of a day ruined by Reggie Wayne missing a meaningless, 4th Q. TD pass?

As I type this, Dan Marino is hawking some weight watchers bullshit on TV. What a turd.

grandpaboy said...

My fantasy football is complete, now that Ben Roethlisberger was stopped for a loss by an '87 Crown Victoria.

As for real football, I'm just hoping Marvin Lewis can keep enough Bengals out of jail to win the AFC North again.

Mr Furious said...

Dan Marino does indeed = turd.


Check this out, Chiefs fan...


I hear ya, Mike. Baseball first, last and always.

Thrillhous said...

Ben Roethlisberger was stopped for a loss by an '87 Crown Victoria.


My favorite team was the last team to beat the '72 Dolphins before they went undefeated.

What was that weight watchers product? I bet it's a big seller!

Here in DC, you know which team I'm stuck hearing about 24-7. The most common topic of conversation on sports radio here is how many touchdown passes will Brunell throw in the playoffs. The wife is a big fan of said loathesome sports entity. We almost didn't get married cuz of that.

Otto Man said...

Outstanding link, Mr. F. And I share the man's rage as a Chiefs fan and a fantasy leaguer. Roaf is the key to that O-line and without him, fuck, I don't know what's going to happen.

Otto Man said...

Oh, great line about Rothlisberger, Grandpaboy.

Good luck with the Bengals this year. I've never seen a team photo taken at Central Booking before, but Marvin Lewis must have a master plan.

sideshow bob said...

I remember last year when a bouncer at a bar in the town where the Chiefs hold training camp got his as kicked by the Chiefs kicker...how does a bouncer live down something like that?

mikefromtexas said...

The ONLY use I have for football is that it gives me an excuse to go to the bar on Sunday and f*** with Dallas Cowboy fans. Except for that, I'd rather watch paint dry.

Mrs_Thrillhous said...

As far as the Dolphins go, they are actually my favorite AFC team.

What?? This can't be allowed, cuz then you'd be picking teams just because they're in other divisions, and pretty soon you'll have eight favorites. Monogamy please!!!

I am a Chiefs fan

That's something you don't hear every day! It's like finding a Brewers fan. I thought these teams existed just so others could have more opponents.

Otto Man said...

I thought these teams existed just so others could have more opponents.

We're like the Washington Generals. We're due, I tells ya!

Mike said...


Not to bust your bubble or anything, but let this Jet fan bring you down easy, once & for all:

Herm Edwards.

Have fun watching the clock management!

Thrillhous said...

Mrs. T, you know I like to spread the love around. That's why all the waiters in Dupont Circle are so nice to me!

Ouch, Cheifs fans, I forgot about Herm Edwards. I guess he's perfectly cromulent. My bro is a big Cheifs fan, and he's still mad at them for getting rid of Schottenheimer.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, I'd just gotten over losing Marty, and now being Dick-less is going to hurt even more. I like Herm Edwards, but I'm preparing myself for borrrrring.

TravisG said...

Better stock up on canned goods to get you through the losssssing