Monday, August 29, 2005

Nobody Beats the Biz!


I'm going to shamelessly steal an idea from Norbizness, who stole the idea from generations before him, who stole it from their forefathers, who had the idea handed down to them by God Himself, along with details and photographs of Him drawing up the plans for Intelligent Design.

The idea? Mocking the music that dominated the charts the year you graduated from high school. As luck would have it, all four of us here at LLatPoN graduated in the magical year of 1990. (Well, technically, I-Rod never really graduated from a high school. But his GED was signed that year, so same thing.)

How bad was that year? Here are just the top 20 singles from 1990:
1. Hold On, Wilson Phillips
2. It Must Have Been Love, Roxette
3. Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O'Connor
4. Poison, Bell Biv Devoe
5. Vogue, Madonna
6. Vision Of Love, Mariah Carey
7. Another Day In Paradise, Phil Collins
8. Hold On, En Vogue
9. Cradle Of Love, Billy Idol
10. Blaze Of Glory, Jon Bon Jovi
11. Do Me!, Bell Biv Devoe
12. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Michael Bolton
13. Pump Up The Jam, Technotronic
14. Opposites Attract, Paula Abdul
15. Escapade, Janet Jackson
16. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You, Heart
17. Close To You, Maxi Priest
18. Black Velvet, Alannah Myles
19. Release Me, Wilson Phillips
20. Don't Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville
I've got to say that half of those songs are ones I don't even recognize, and the other half are ones that, until now, I'd managed to block from my memory through a combination of psychiatric therapy, hard liquor, and some pills I found in a gas station men's room. My thorough embrace of indie rock during college is making a lot of sense now.

Looking over the full list -- and take a look for yourself, because the carnage continues -- I'd say there are probably only two songs out of the entire 100 that I could listen to today without screaming. And which classics are these? Down at #63, Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance" and then at #94, Biz Markie's "Just a Friend." One hundred hits to choose from, and the only things that are still digestible are novelty rap songs. The rest of it is just Michael Bolton and Skid Row as far as the eye can see.

The horror, the horror...

9 comments:

Steusch said...

The full Top 100 from 1990 is an incredibly shitty list of songs, my friend. It's pretty amazing - I tried to go through the list and find some redeeming and/or novel songs just so I could accuse you of being a snob, but to no avail.

The list from my graduation year (1997) is hardly better, although "the rap" had become more mainstream, so we had some B.I.G. tunes to live for.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, I wasn't kidding, was I?

Upon further review, there are maybe a couple others I could stomach for old times' sake -- Technotronic, maybe. Hard to say without 8-10 ounces of bourbon in me.

Norbizness said...

"A-do-reeeearrrrowwww-a-do-reee. A-do-reeeearrrrowwww-a-do-reee."

Otto Man said...

I've got Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love" in my head, and I'm afraid only a bullet is going to get it out.

Mr Furious said...

33. Unskinny Bop, Poison

[shudder]

Seriously, I feel like there must be a whole category of music excluded from that list. I can't even claim to liking two of those songs.

I graduated high school in 1986, so I was in my glory in college, making mix tapes and cranking music at parties and feeling like all was great in the world of music. I know I went through a period of rediscovery as I compiled my CD collection, but was there NOTHING good that year. Yikes.

Without thinking about it if somebody asked me ten minutes ago, when the best music period of my life was, I would have blurted out "1991-1992!" I think I need to stop and analyze that for a bit.

Mr Furious said...

There was something redeeming that year—a quick perusal of my CDs revealed...

The Black Crowes - Shake your Moneymaker
Jane's Addiction - Ritual de lo Habitual
Alice In Chains - Facelift
Deee-Lite - World Clique
World Party - goodbye Jumbo

The good stuff never cracked the charts.

Mr Furious said...

From the Top 100 list in 1986 (my HS graduation):

7   PARTY ALL THE TIME, Eddie Murphy (Columbia) (#2, Dec 1985) Yikes! WTF?
10  ADDICTED TO LOVE, Robert Palmer (Island) (#1, May)
17  ALIVE AND KICKING, Simple Minds (Virgin) (#3, Dec 1985)
19  KISS, Prince and the Revolution (Paisley Park) (#1, April)
28  ROCK ME AMADEUS, Falco (A&M) (#1, March)
44  NO ONE IS TO BLAME, Howard Jones (Elektra) (#4, July) Awesome tune
56  WHAT YOU NEED, INXS (Atlantic) (#5, April)
89  WALK THIS WAY, Run-D.M.C. (Profile) (#4, Sept)

Mrs_Thrillhous said...

I was just finishing junior high school then, so I spent a lot of time listening to the radio....and I still remember many of the lyrics to many of these songs. Ugh.

you know she's a little bit dangerous / she's got what it takes to make it sweet / the eyes of a lover that's still in heat

Well, that's not exactly it, but they were a little hard to understand.

Otto Man said...

7 PARTY ALL THE TIME, Eddie Murphy (Columbia) (#2, Dec 1985) Yikes! WTF?

I'm pretty sure Eddie cashed the check from "Beverly Hills Cop 3" and bought a million cassingles of that one in order to artificially inflate the sales.