Why Can't They Stick with Hatin' on the Gays?

Marc Lynch wrote an edifying post the other day about the Pope's colossal misstep and how it, as well as our administration's recent penchant for crusadespeak, have played right into Al Qaeda's hands (at least the Pope's mistake wasn't intentional, probably).

Everything which strengthens the central al-Qaeda narrative of a Crusader war against Islam serves that strategy. Al-Qaeda does not need to win support for itself as a movement for this strategy to succeed - all it needs to do is to shape the political environment towards its "clash" narrative.

This is why Bush's recent "Islamic Fascism" speeches were such a gift to bin Laden, playing right to the al-Qaeda script, and seeming to confirm al-Qaeda rhetoric over a Western "Crusade" (and don't even get started on Bush's recent "religious revival" musings). And now the Pope has jumped in to lend a helping hand to al-Qaeda. Couldn't they have just sent flowers? I don't think that this is quite what the Counter-Terrorism Center at West Point meant by "stealing al-Qaeda's playbook" - we weren't supposed to actually run al-Qaeda's plays for them.

Lynch goes on to assess Al Qaeda's successful use of the media, especially in the past year. Man, do I miss the days when gay marriage was the greatest threat to America and Christendom.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

As I'm sure you know by now, former Texas Governor Ann Richards passed away this week.

Though I'm not a Texan, I always had a soft spot in my heart for Richards. She showed that truly progressive policies and hard-nosed, sarcastic politics can not only co-exist outside of the blogosphere, but thrive. She was a Steel Magnolia, one of the best and brassiest politicians I've ever seen. (One of the many, many sad things about the Bush Presidency is the constant reminder that we elevated the wrong Texas governor to the highest office in the land.)

And she was one of those politicians who was just made for anecdotes, from her famous zinger about George Bush Sr. being born "with a silver foot in his mouth" to the time her opponents tried to paint her as a delicate lady unfit for the rough world of politics and she went out and shot a bunch of wild doves with a twelve-gauge.

I thought I'd heard all the stories, but her passing -- like all passings -- has brought out one I hadn't heard before. So, courtesy of Off the Kuff, I'd like to pass along the following anecdote from Molly Ivins, another Texas treasure:

Several years ago there was a big political do at Scholz Beer Garten in Austin and everybody who was anybody in political Texas was there, meetin' and greetin' at a furious pace. About halfway through the evening, a little group of us got the tired feet and went to lean our butts against a table by the back wall of the Garten. Like birds in a row were perched Bob Bullock, the state comptroller; me; Charlie Miles, a black man who was then head of Bullock's personnel department (and the reason Bullock had such a good record on minority hiring); and Ms. Ann Richards.

Bullock, having been in Texas politics for thirty some-odd years, consequently knew every living sorry, no-account sumbitch who ever held office. A dreadful old racist judge from East Texas came up to him, "Bob, my boy, how are yew?" The two of them commenced to clap one another on the back and have a big greetin'.

"Judge," said Bullock. "I want you to meet my friends. This is Molly Ivins with the Texas Observer."

The judge peered up at me and said, "How yew, little lady?"

"This is Charles Miles, who heads my personnel department." Charlie stuck out his hand and the judge got an expression on his face as though he had just stepped into a fresh cowpie. It took him a long minute before he reached out, barely touched Charlie's hand and said, "How you, boy?" Then he turned with great relief to pretty, blue-eyed Ann Richards and said, "And who is this lovely lady?"

Ann beamed and said, "I am Mrs. Miles."

Priceless.

I'd tell you to rest in peace, Ann, but you wouldn't listen. We'll miss you.

Caption Contest

What better way to enjoy the weekend than a caption contest?

Let's do this thing.

Friday Random Ten

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the hard rock supergroup Ratchell.

As the cover makes clear, Ratchell combined four outstanding stars of the early '80s. Clockwise from the top left, we have (1) the always sexy Valerie Bertinelli, fresh from her starring role on "One Day at a Time"; (2) the always dangerous Christopher Lambert, right before his starring role in Highlander; (3) the always coked-up David Crosby, right during his starring role at the Betty Ford clinic (click that link for David's self-portrait); and, of course, (4) the always rugged good looks of Rocky Dennis, right at the moment I'm heading for hell.

The arrival of such a stellar supergroup can only mean that it's once again time for the Friday Random Ten. Lock and load, people. This is not -- repeat, not -- a drill.

1. TV on the Radio, "I Was a Lover" -- Oh, what a nice start. This may be my favorite track of their new album, The Return to Cookie Mountain. I'm not entirely sure what the song's about, but I'm positive it's absofuckinglutely brilliant. I missed seeing these kids at a free show in Brooklyn this summer, and it's quickly becoming my greatest regret. Well, that, and not finishing the world's biggest hoagie. 10/10

2. Pixies, "Wave of Mutilation (Live at the BBC)" -- A pretty nice version of one of their better-known tunes, though Black Francis (or Frank Black or Blackula or whatever he's called now) makes the lyrics a little too quiet. 7/10

3. Frank Sinatra, "Come Fly with Me" -- I have a soft spot for the Chairman of the Board, but this is a pretty standard, factory-issue arrangement from the Capitol Records conglomerate. Eh. 3/10

4. The Pretenders, "Back on the Chain Gang" -- I doubt I'll ever get tired of the sweet opening guitar hook or Chryssie Hynde's sultry voice, but I'm not sure anything featured on VH1 can be considered cool. (Except for him, of course.) 5/10

5. Kitty Love, "You Gotta Change" -- Some obscure soul strutting from a collection called Shakin' Fit. Really brassy vocals, with a fairly standard '60s R&B beat. I think I'm supposed to do the mashed potato to this song, or the home fries, or the scattered-covered-smothered hash browns. Some kind of starchy dance. 7/10

6. Earth, Wind and Fire, "Mighty Mighty" -- Some fairly early work by EWF, somewhere between the soundtrack they did for Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (billed as "The Film The MAN Doesn't Want You to See!") and the soundtrack song they did for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (known as "The Film NO ONE Wants to See!") Pretty nice funk, all things considered. 8/10

7. Chic, "Good Times" -- I have no idea how to classify this song on the coolness scale, as it's both retro hip and old-school lame, sort of like bellbottoms and Bea Arthur. But I will give it credit for a lyric I've always loved: "Don't be a drag, participate / Clams on the half shell and roller-skates, roller-skates!" Sounds like a party to me. 4/10

8. Yo La Tengo, "Here Comes My Baby" -- Hoboken's finest do a fairly straightforward cover of the Cat Stevens classic. I really should love this. I really should. I don't. 2/10

9. Hank Williams, "Your Cold, Cold Heart" -- Classic country from the all-time master. Man, if old Hank had lived to see what a dumbfuck, drunk douchebag his son turned into, he would've never stopped throwing up. 7/10

10. Stereolab, "Ping Pong" -- Well, there was a lot of crap in between, but I'm ending on as strong a song as I began. This is electronica at its happy, loopy, moogy finest. 10/10

Not a great week for me, with a 6.3 average. Any worse and I'd wind up having to go to coolness summer school.

Let's see what the rest of you have. Kindly drop your own FRTs in the comments, with or without the coolness self-aduit. Or feel free to pick apart my choices, or reminisce about how hot Valerie Bertinelli was before she settled down with the Crypt Keeper.

Felix Fumbles Football Fantasy

As you may have heard, my main man Felix Allen has issued yet another variation of his apology for being a racist. He did so at the “ethnic rally” Otto Man highlighted a couple days ago, which was comprised of the dozen or so nonwhites who can stand to be in the same room as him.

This time, he broadened his apology to cover his youthful indiscretions; in other words, touting confederate symbols in his teens, having a lynching noose in his office in his twenties, flying a confederate flag at his house in his thirties, opposing MLK day in his forties, and calling that guy a monkey in his fifties, among others. Here’s a little of what he had to say on Tuesday:

"On football teams and every team sport, you don't care about someone's religion, race or their ethnicity," he said. "All you care about is if that person can help your team. Can he block, punt, pass or kick. It's a true meritocracy... and it's that meritocracy that you see on a football field and on a football team that we should aspire for in our society here in America."

Allen loves to talk about his “football background,” as if he were more than just a coach’s kid. For all his man’s man rhetoric about sports and war, there’s two places he wasn’t in 1970: in Vietnam, and on a football field. Allen did play football in high school, but that’s it; even sorry-ass UVA didn’t want him on their team, despite the fact that his daddy coached the Washington NFL team. It’s kinda like when Bush or Cheney rambles on about terrorism, Saddam, Al Qaeda, WMD, and 9/11, leaving the listener to make connections that shouldn’t be made.

George Felix Allen sucked, SUCKED, at football. It doesn’t appear he’s ever excelled at any sport, unless falconry can be considered a sport. Yeah, when I think meritocracy, I think falconry.

Food Crime Roundup

That story about fondue fuel is not the only food-related crime about. In our effort to keep the community apprised of current events, here is the foodie blotter:

Here are some thieves I'd like to hang out with this weekend. Mmmmm, herring.

Porkburgers? That sounds great -- I'll have a 350 Pounder.

Corn cobs: not just for assault any more.

...and here's a really sweet story about gherkins.

Great moments in headline writing

Penis set on fire with fondue fuel

Saddam Fan of "Kids in the Hall"

Or something like that....

Their Own Worst Enemies

At the rate the incumbent Republicans are going, I'm liking the Democrats' chances this fall.

The latest? TPM has a nice find on the latest racial sensitivity lesson from Sen. Felix Allen (R-Deep Macaca), while Kos has a terrific video of how Sen. Conrad Burns (R-Grampa Simpson) spent his summer vacation. Priceless.

As nice as it is to see these two schmucks self-destruct, the races aren't over by a longshot and every little bit of contributing or volunteering is still desperately needed. Act now, or live under the rule of these schmucks for another six years.

Five Years Later

The fifth anniversary of 9/11 is coming to a close, but I'd be remiss if I didn't pass along two pieces of pure patriotism to commemorate the event.

First of all, yet another incredible piece by Keith Olbermann. God bless him.

And second, this wonderful Driftglass post I found over in the comments at Sadly, No.

Caption Contest

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. I didn't think we'd be marking the fifth anniversary of 9/11 with a flippant caption contest, but the Decider has put his foot down, dammit!

Remember, if you don't mock him, then the terrorists have already won.

He's Just Not That Into You

Sorry, Osama, but it's true.

A nice little bombshell from Dana Priest at the Washington Post:

Intelligence officials think that bin Laden is hiding in the northern reaches of the autonomous tribal region along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. This calculation is based largely on a lack of activity elsewhere and on other intelligence, including a videotape, obtained exclusively by the CIA and not previously reported, that shows bin Laden walking on a trail toward Pakistan at the end of the battle of Tora Bora in December 2001, when U.S. forces came close but failed to capture him.
...

That was December 2001. Only two months later, Bush decided to pull out most of the special operations troops and their CIA counterparts in the paramilitary division that were leading the hunt for bin Laden in Afghanistan to prepare for war in Iraq, said Flynt L. Leverett, then an expert on the Middle East at the National Security Council.

"I was appalled when I learned about it," said Leverett, who has become an outspoken critic of the administration's counterterrorism policy. "I don't know of anyone who thought it was a good idea. It's very likely that bin Laden would be dead or in American custody if we hadn't done that."

I love the irony that the revelation that Bush really did have Osama in his sights and really did let him go is coming out the same day that ABC is showing its fictionalized "docudrama" which purports that Clinton had Osama in his sights but let him go. But no worries. I'm sure more Americans read the Washington Post than watch ABC, right?

Home Improvement II: Don’t Do What Donny Don’t Does

Fresh from my smashing success of installing a pedestal sink, I’ve had to tackle another project. Our electric clothes dryer started making a tremendous racket last week, and it was making it difficult to fully enjoy the witty dialog of my favorite cartoon, Dungeons and Dragons. Oh Eric the Paladin Cavalier, will you ever learn?

This isn’t my first confrontation with the dryer over noise issues -- it has a buzzer that goes off when it’s done drying. Well, “buzzer” doesn’t seem quite right; it’s more of a screaming, soul-crushing thunder howl. Every damned time that thing went off I lost hairs and urine, but there was no switch to turn it off. What were the wizards at Whirlpool thinking? After several attempts at locating the source of the claxon ex machina, I found the right spot and disconnected the wires. Much better.

This new noise was different, a grinding sound that suggested all sorts of bad things going on inside there. Clearly, it was time for another showdown with the White Menace. I provide these useful instructions so that you will know how to handle a similar situation in your own home.

1) It’s best if you buy a book on fixing common household appliances. A good book, such as one from the Readers Digest series, will save you time and aggravation. You will quickly recoup the cost of the book by fixing things right the first time.

2) Assuming you’d rather eat glass than buy a book telling you what to do, just start unscrewing stuff. There’s really not that many screws on a dryer, so you’ll get where you need to soon enough.

3) Do NOT unscrew screws willy-nilly. You will end up breaking stuff you didn’t even know you could break.

4) Metal conducts electricity. Throw the circuit breaker for the dryer before you do anything else. Otherwise you’re in for some very unpleasant electrical shocks, probably while you’re up to your elbow in sharp metal bits. This ain’t delivering a calf; you do NOT want to yank your arm out of there, because you’re going to lose skin if you make any sudden moves.

5) Skin grows back pretty fast, and the wounds look pretty cool without being all that serious. Beers will help with the pain.

6) Do NOT drink while working on the dryer.

7) Lordy is lint flammable. Do NOT even think about working on the dryer until you’ve vacuumed out every last mote in there, otherwise you run the risk of a fire you can’t blow out or douse with water.

8) Once the fire has caught, do NOT grab at balls of burning lint to put out the fire. The smoldering lint will stick to you hands and keep right on burning. This hurts quite a bit.

9) Whatever you do, do NOT tell your wife about any temporary setbacks, or else she’ll threaten to call a “professional.” The last thing you want to do is explain to a smirking technician why the dryer door is in upside down.

That’s your basic instructions. Augment as necessary, depending on what your problem is. Turned out my problem was the fan that blows the hot air through the dryer. The blade isn’t staying right on its axis, so it’s beating on the fan’s frame. I wasn’t able to make the racket go away, but I was able to repair the heating coil that I busted, so I’m calling this one a draw. Once my platelet count is back up to normal I’ll take another shot at it.

Nerdlinger update: Mrs. T, queen of all things D&D cartoon-related, informs me that Eric was not a Paladin; he was a Cavalier. The Cavalier class (as well as the Barbarian) was not officially part of the D&D role-playing game until Unearthed Arcana was released, so you can see why I would make that mistake. As Uni would say, "baaaaaa!!"

Quantum Boggs

I've always felt that the Quantum Leap superpowers were wasted on nice guy Scott Bakula, who's not to be confused with not-so-nice guy Blackula, so it's nice to see that they're now in the possession of one Wade Boggs. True, he could've picked someone more deserving of help than Dan Marino -- which is pretty much anyone this side of Hitler -- but it's all good.

I have no proof, but I believe this comes from the same people who gave us the beauty of Yacht Rock. Same titles, same camera work, same crappy '70s mustaches. Enjoy.

(N.B.: Very brief nudity around 2:45. Thanks to the fine folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber for finding this nugget of love.)

Friday Random Ten

You may have read the news reports about Don Paulin before, but here he is in all his button-down, well-groomed, white-bread glory.

And thank God that he's here. How else would we ever be able to hear the songs of minorities? It's not like they've ever exhibited an interest in, or capacity for, recording their own musical creations. I think we all owe Don Paulin a debt of gratitude for doing what no other white musician would dare to do -- cover the songs of African Americans and present them as his own. Kudos!

An appearance by The Man can only mean that it's time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. Bob and Earl, "Harlem Shuffle" -- This song is perhaps best known for two other tunes it inspired. The opening horn blast is the one used over and over again in House of Pain's "Jump Around," while the Rolling Stones did a cover of the whole song on their 1,374th album. But this is the real deal, baby, and it's a stone cold groove. 9/10

2. Grand Puba, "360 Degrees (What Goes Around)" -- Grand Puba pretty much disappeared along with his group Brand Nubian, after a brief spark of brilliance in the early '90s. They were part of that "five-percent nation" movement in hiphop, the Afrocentric, dashiki-wearing movement. Remember that? Man, college was great. 6/10

3. Belle & Sebastian, "I Could Be Dreaming" -- Tigermilk is my favorite album by these kids, and this is one of the many reasons why. Peppy indie pop that's so happy I almost want to punch it. Almost. 8/10

4. Replacements, "Bastards of Young" -- Some classic 'Mats from their hangover of an album, Tim. Remember that? Man, high school sucked. 7/10

5. Graham Central Station, "Hair" -- Great funk from the band that Larry Graham formed after departing Sly and the Family Stone. As hard as it is for a spinoff to live up to the original, this one comes close. Consider this the "Facts of Life" to Sly's "Diff'rent Strokes." 8/10

6. Mitch Ryder, "Breakout" -- Some pretty decent soul from the folks who brought you "Devil With a Blue Dress On." Nothing spectacular, but it gets the job done. 6/10

7. Johnny Cash, "25 Minutes to Go" -- The darkest, creepiest countdown you've ever heard, sung from the perspective of a man awaiting his own hanging. Cash really should've written more children's songs. He clearly has a knack for it. 6/10

8. Cat Power, "The Greatest" -- Chan Marshall may be borderline crazy and a complete flake at her live performances, but when she's on, she's phenomenal. Unlike the store Stoner's Pot Palace, this song's title is not false advertising. 9/10

9. U.N.K.L.E. with South, "Suicide" -- A nice bit of electronica from the brilliant Sexy Beast soundtrack. Truth be told, the best part of this is the badass cockney thug monologue by Ben Kingsley. But the driving beat is fantastic too. 7/10

10. Black Sabbath, "Sweet Leaf" -- Oh, Lordy, I just made Thrillhous's week. I'm not really sure what this song is about. Oregano, I think. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.5 average. Once again, I've demonstrated that I'm only three-quarters cool, much like one of the lesser Baldwin brothers.

Let's see if you can do any better. Drop your own Friday Random Ten in the comments below, with or without the Coolness Self Audit. Don Paulin would want it that way.

Now My Pants Are Chafing Me ...

In honor of the imminent start to the glory that is known as the NFL season, I'd like to pass along this bit of football news:

DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.

Police in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn said Joe Cullen, who coaches the team's defensive line, was pulled over Aug. 24 and ticketed on suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct. The ticket does not provide any other information about why Cullen allegedly was nude. The Lions said alcohol was involved.

Then, on Sept. 1, police stopped his 2006 Ford Explorer and determined he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.12 percent, court records show. The legal limit for drivers in Michigan in 0.08 percent.

I know they said Mike Martz was going to bring a wide-open approach to the Lions this season, but I didn't realize it would be that wide open.

Hopefully, this can become a team tradition, like playing on Thanksgiving day and, oh, having eight losses by the time they play on Thanksgiving day.

The 38-year-old, who was hired from the University of Illinois, issued a statement Wednesday to apologize.

"I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused," he said. "These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won't happen again."

Cullen was fired from the University of Mississippi in 2005 after an alcohol-related arrest at a restaurant. Mississippi Athletic Director Pete Boone told the Detroit Free Press on Wednesday that no one from the Lions contacted him for a reference.

Wow. Nice to see that Matt Millen isn't just incompetent when it comes to recruiting players, but that he's also horrible at judging the character of his coaches.

This guy got fired from Ole Miss for an alcohol-related incident? Has anyone here ever been to an Ole Miss game? They won't let you in the gate unless you can prove a 0.08 BAC or else show proof of purchase for a Value Jug of Southern Comfort. I mean, for chrissakes, this guy is still the program's poster boy. I'm pretty sure when Ole Miss thinks you're too much of a drunk, the state is actually required by law to check you into a rehab center.

And yet once again, professional George Papadapoulous lookalike Matt Millen shows that there's no idiot or assclown that he won't bet the house on.

God, I love this game.

Caption Contest

I know we usually use political pictures here for the caption contests, but this one is just too weird to let pass by.

Have at it, folks.

Wanted: Dead or ... Whatever

Well, it's official. I've run out of outrage.

Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted man, will not face capture in Pakistan if he agrees to lead a "peaceful life," Pakistani officials tell ABC News.

The surprising announcement comes as Pakistani army officials announced they were pulling their troops out of the North Waziristan region as part of a "peace deal" with the Taliban.

If he is in Pakistan, bin Laden "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen." ....

In addition to the pullout of Pakistani troops, the "peace agreement" between Pakistan and the Taliban also provides for the Pakistani army to return captured Taliban weapons and prisoners.

"What this means is that the Taliban and al Qaeda leadership have effectively carved out a sanctuary inside Pakistan," said ABC News consultant Richard Clarke, the former White House counter-terrorism director.

The agreement was signed on the same day President Bush said the United States was working with its allies "to deny terrorists the enclaves they seek to establish in ungoverned areas across the world." ....

Nice to see Bush is still on top of all this stuff. And, hey, thank God the Taliban isn't finding a welcome home in an unstable Muslim country with nuclear weapons.

On second thought, I may have uncovered new reserves of outrage. Where's the damned bourbon?

Now Hear This, Pt. 2

The Bush administration keeps setting him up, and Keith Olbermann just keeps knocking them out of the park.

Update: Check out Wesley Clark and Max Cleland too. There must be something in the water.

The Madman in the Mirror

I've always found it odd that the religious fundamentalists here at home and the religious fundamentalists in the Middle East had so much in common -- religious influence over the state, scriptural basis for legislation, repressive views of women's rights, outright condemnation of homosexuality, etc. etc. -- and yet continued to see each other as mortal enemies.

Obviously, the biggest issue to them is the brand of fundamentalism they each advance, but once you get past that oh-so-minor detail of whether the One True God is Jesus Christ or Allah, well, the worldviews look quite similar.

In fact, when you get right down to it, the disagreement between Christian fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists is about as wide as the one between rednecks who consider themselves bitterly divided over their tribal loyalties to Ford or Chevy trucks. Just like both sides in the fundamentalist debate are positive that God is on their side, both camps in the Great Truck-Off believe that the urinating Calvin sticker is on their side too.

Lately, though, the similarities between Christian and Islamic fundies are getting too numerous to count. Here's the latest from Iran. You can practically hear Falwell and Robertson applauding:

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran's hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Tuesday for a purge of liberal and secular teachers from the country's universities ....

"Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers are present in the universities," the agency quoted Ahmadinejad as saying during a meeting with a group of students. Ahmadinejad complained that changes in the country's universities were difficult to accomplish and that the country's educational system had been affected by secularism for the last 150 years, but said "such a change has begun."

Earlier this year, Iran retired dozens of liberal university professors and teachers. And last November, Ahmadinejad's administration for the first time named a cleric to head the country's oldest university in Tehran amid protests by students over the appointment.

Given the fundamentalist regime's history of cracking down on liberal and secular voices since 1979, this is about as surprising as the Crocodile Hunter's recent death by animal attack. But our friends on the right like to think that All Things Bad are diametrically opposed to what they believe in, so I'm sure this news will make some of their heads explode.

But here's the clincher:

The developments followed a campaign promise by Ahmadinejad for a more Islamic-oriented country. He took office last August.

Since then, Ahmadinejad also has been replacing pragmatic veterans in the government with former military commanders and inexperienced religious hard-liners.

Hmmm. Stocking the government with inexperienced religious hard-liners? Don't look now, Saudi princelings, but George Bush may just have a new hand-holding bestest buddy.

Worst. Films. Ever.

Over at the Poor Man, the Editors have started an epic journey we're all going to want to watch.

Dog Bites Man

Well, something like that. I know I'm going to hell for this, but is anyone out there even remotely surprised by this man's death?

Caption Contest

In the spirit of Labor Day weekend, we're pretty much phoning it in.

And what better way to do that than with another lazy Caption Contest? Give it to him big time.

How to Tell When StudioDave Is in Town

Dude, why didn't you give me a call? We coulda hung out.

Gas Smell Permeates Northern Va. Neighborhoods

WASHINGTON -- Residents in Fairfax and Loudoun Counties had to put up with the smell of gas for quite awhile over the weekend.

Residents and business owners in parts of Sterling, Ashburn and Western Fairfax reported smelling gas starting on Saturday afternoon.

Felix Fallout with Falwell?

The wife forwarded me a Forbes article about Jerry "the gays caused 9/11" Falwell, who is based out of southeast Virginia. After she told me 18 times that it was not a joke, I had to click through and see for myself.

Ten weeks before election day, conservative TV evangelist Jerry Falwell is heaping surprising praise on the Democrat opposing Sen. George Allen's re-election bid in Virginia. In an interview on Forbes.com, Falwell, 73, makes his first comments about Allen's opponent, James Webb. Falwell says he disagrees with Webb on social issues, but gives the politician a personal ranking of "A-."

Many, many Virginians, especially the more rural folks, listen to what Falwell has to say. I know he seems like a nut to most of us, but the other 90% of what he says, the stuff you don't hear about, really resonates here. This praise for Webb is significant. I'm not his target audience, so my interpretation is suspect, but here's the message I'm hearing: if you want to vote for Webb instead of Felix, it's no skin off Falwell's back.

Correction: Thanks to Otto Man for de-balling me in the comments. Falwell's base of operations is Lynchburg, a town in which I have had motion sickness several times; it's in south-central VA.

Macacca madness update: Via Tbogg, Allen preemptively took his name out of the running for an award from the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund because of protests by donors to the fund. Felix says: "I regret that there are those who would put their personal or political dislike of me ahead of the needs of deserving students. . . ." That's right, George Jr. What those kids needed most -- nay, deserved -- was a speech from you. The scholarship money is totally secondary.

Friday Random Ten

With the start of the NFL season just one tantalizing week away, it seems like it's time -- at long last -- to drop this incredible turd of an album on all of you.

Now, you may remember Terry Bradshaw from such careers as quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, football analyst with the semiretarded Fox NFL zoo crew, or perhaps even his stint as the only actor who could make chronic stutterer Mel Tillis look like silver-tongued performer.

Despite all that, the odds are tragically good that you may not have heard Terry Bradshaw's angelic singing voice.

Well, here it is. Go bask in its tragedy. We'll wait.

Done?

Yeah, me too. In fact, after that, I may be done forever.

It can only improve from here, so let's get rolling with the Friday Random Ten. If you're just emerging from a coma, here's how you play. Take out your iWhatever, set it on random, and give us the first ten songs that pop up. If you want to get all fancy with it, you can also conduct a relatively painless Coolness Self-Audit by ranking the songs on a scale of 1 to 10. (N.B.: Do not attempt to use heavy machinery while conducting the Coolness Self-Audit. But by all means, do attempt to use heavy metal.)

Alright, here's mine.

1. Common feat. Laetitia Sadler from Stereolab, "New Wave" -- This may be the greatest merger of talent since chocolate first combined with milk. I never would've imagined these two getting together to record a song, but it works quite well. The verses are a little sparse, but the combined chorus is absofuckinglutely amazing. 10/10

2. The Cure, "Love Cats" -- There was a weird moment back in the late '80s when all of our high school alternative favorites poked their head into the mainstream. The Smiths, R.E.M., and all the rest had a semi-hit, and this was clearly the Cure's. On the bright side, the video for this song had the only dance that was easier than the Ickey Shuffle. 6/10

3. Iggy Pop, "The Passenger" -- I love the breadth of Iggy Pop's career, back to the first Stooges album, but this may well be my favorite song of his. Catchy hook, driving beat, and some nice dead-eyes vocals. 10/10

4. Al Green, "Here I Am (Come and Take Me)" -- Damn, it's nothing but hits today. You can't go wrong with the Reverend, unless of course you're coming off a bad breakup. There may be no other artist whose repertoire is so wholly about love and marriage. Listening to his greatest hits after a relationship's tragic end must be like the scene from "Better Off Dead" where the radio plays nothing but love songs. 7/10

5. Weezer, "In My Garage" -- This song comes dangerously close to describing my junior high years. "I've got Dungeon Master's Guide / I've got 12-sided die / I've got Kitty Pryde / And Nightcrawler too / Waiting there for me / Yes I do, I do // I've got posters on the wall / My favorite rock group KISS / I've got Ace Frehley / I've got Peter Criss / Waiting there for me." Man, good thing I managed to turn out so cool. Right? Right?!? 8/10

6. Eric B. and Rakim, "I Ain't No Joke" -- Goddamn, what a great song. Stunningly sparse beats and a great horn hook from former presidential nominee Eric B., with his running mate Rakim dropping enough science to merit the Nobel Prize. 10/10

7. Electric Light Orchestra, "Evil Woman" -- Although the difference between this song and the last one is about as big as Jeff Lynne's afro, I still love it. ELO embodies the very finest in 1970s pop excess -- lush orchestral arrangements, way too much synthesizer, and high-soaring, estrogen-laden male vocals -- but, dammit, it works. I believe that now that the New Wave revival has faded, the next bit of our musical past to be re-embraced is the ELO shtick. Brace yourselves! 8/10

8. The Go! Team, "Ladyflash" -- Some poppy, happy, electropop from the UK. Not exactly earth-shattering, but it does what it sets out to do fairly well. 6/10

9. Cibo Matto, "Moonchild" -- I know the debut album is supposed to be their best, but I've always had a soft spot for Stereo Type A. Sweet vocals, light hooks, and the wholesome goodness of Miho Hatori. Very nice. 9/10

10. The National, "Looking for Astronauts" -- I can't remember who recommended this piece of crap band to me, and that's probably a good thing. 1/10

Well, I had a nice run going until that last song screwed it up for me, but even then I wound up with a 7.5 average. I'm officially three-quarters cool, much in the same way the nepotism pop supergroup Wilson Phillips was two-thirds hot. I can live with that.

Alright, folks. Let's see what you've got. Go ahead and drop your own FRT in the comments below, or else feel free to expound on what I bungled here.

Now Hear This

Keith Olbermann. Trust me. Go now.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest, folks.

Let the snark flow through you.

Deep Thoughts with Joe Lieberman

I'd always assumed that Holy Joe Lieberman was strongly in favor of the War on Drugs -- a.k.a. the War on the War on Brain Cells -- but new evidence suggests the opposite.

I think they'd have to be smoking some primo shit over there to think this TV ad is effective and not, oh, incredibly creepy.

Update: The insanity over at the Lieberman for Lieberman camp is apparently stemming from the very top. Steve Benen caught a nice bit of petulance from Cialis Joe about the likelihood of his campaign hurting Democratic House candidates in the state:

Fox News asked Lieberman whether his campaign would hurt Dem candidates' chances down-ballot. Lieberman said, "They should have thought of that during the primary, but here we are."

It's an odd thing to say.

As recently as last week, Lieberman reiterated his belief that he's a "committed Democrat." But confronted with the idea that he may single-handedly keep Dems from taking back the House, he literally laughs and blames Dem voters for the problem. It's not a particularly subtle message — Lieberman's telling Connecticut Dems, "You backed the other guy, and this is my payback."

In response to Lieberman's Fox News comments, Chris Bowers said:

[T]here seem to be two ways to read this quote. One reading would be that Lieberman thinks that instead of voting their conscience, Democratic primary voters should have instead capitulated to his threats to leave the party. The other reading is that the party establishment, which gave their complete support to Lieberman during the primary, should never have allowed the primary to happen in the first place.

Either way, Lieberman clearly views his run as revenge against Democrats for actually engaging in party democracy. So, either voters should be swayed through threats, or votes should not be allowed to take place. No matter which reading is accurate, Lieberman's sheer disdain for democracy is overwhelming. As far as he is concerned, democracy is only useful as long as it allows you to remain in power, and now he is just a tough parent punishing bad children who actually had the gall to vote for someone else.

Sounds right to me.

Yeah, me too. At this rate, I'm surprised Lieberman and his fellow tantrum-throwing senator, Ted Stevens (R-Spite) just don't take their ball and go home.

Adventures in Douchebaggery

The objects of my new man-crush over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have finally spoken out against the tragic heartbreak that is known as Joe Theismann.

Theismann has always been the weakest link in the ESPN booth, but he's taken his douchebaggery to a whole new level lately. While he used to sit there and play the amiable dunce to Mike Patrick's sage play-by-play and Al Maguire's oddering commentary, now that he's paired up with straight man Mike Tirico and smartass Tony Kornheiser, Theismann's true imbecility has really come to the forefront.

I'll let the KSK crew take over from here, with a snippet of their open letter to Tony Kornheiser:

Dear Tony:

You see this guy right here? This is Joe Theismann, your large-prostated broadcasting partner and shining example of why professional football players need thicker helmets. I need to urgently tell you something, and that is that this guy is trying to fuck you over. Now, I'm sure you already know this. It's not as if Joe Theismann has spent his whole life outwitting people. No, his intentions are fairly out in the open. He's like the retarded Iago to your whiter, Jewisher Othello. ....

You need support, and this dickface isn't giving it to you. He's a fucking jock-sniffer. He's like the white Stephen A. Smith, only dumber and with a bigger afro. .... It's not too late to fix this. I'm pretty sure you make more money than Theismann. ESPN courted you for the job, while Theismann probably accepted taking his salary in Brach's Caramels to stay on the air.

The rest is just as funny and twice as blue. Enjoy.

For my own part, every time I hear Thiesmann make a dipshit comment, I just like to go watch this classic moment in time.

The Department of Punk'd

This just in, from the TPM Muckraker:

A team of political hoaxers fooled New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco, and a thousand construction-industry members today.

Posing as fictitious senior HUD official Rene Oswin, Andy Bichlbaum -- a member of the Group the Yes Men -- promised big (and unlikely) changes in New Orleans to a privately-organized conference in Kenner, Louisiana. Among his expansive promises, according to CNN:

- Energy giants Exxon and Shell would spend $8.6 billion "to finance wetlands rebuilding from $60 billion in profits this year."

- Wal-Mart would withdraw its stores from poor neighborhoods and "help nurture local businesses to replace them."

- the federal government would spend $180 million to fund "at least one well-equipped public health clinic for every housing development."

- the feds would reverse plans to replace public schools with private and charter schools, and instead create a national tax base to supplement local taxes.

HUD quickly confirmed Oswin wasn't part of their agency. "This announcement is totally false; it's totally bogus," spokeswoman Donna White told CNN, who said no one named "Rene Oswin" works for the department. "I'm like, who the heck is that?" ....

"It's really a sick, twisted -- I don't even want to refer to it as a joke," HUD spokeswoman White told CNN. "At this point, it's not funny."

Yeah, it's not funny at all. How dare anyone give people the idea that the president would actually keep his word about rebuilding the region? How dare they suggest that the giants of Big Oil might be good corporate citizens and return some of the money they've made in the region back to ensure its preservation?

Now, enough with the jokes. The administration is really busy right now doing the important work in time to mark the first anniversary of the Katrina devastation. Don't bother them with suggestions about how they might actually help people.

P.S. Since the Bush administration only cares about one thing, and one thing only -- its precious, precious image -- maybe they should get a new spokeswoman for HUD. One who doesn't use the phrase "totally bogus" and sprinkle the word "like" into every other sentence? Because that would be, like, totally awesome.

Caption Contest

You know, I don't think we've ever featured Michael Chertoff in a caption contest before.

Stunning, right? Have at him.

Sen. Felix Allen Cuts and Runs -- from a Guy in a Macacca Suit?

Senator Felix has always billed himself as Badass in Chief. He rides horses, he throws footballs, he eats red meat (especially filet mignon or other frenchly prepared boeuf). A few years back, at a republican event, he bravely incited the crowd with "Let’s enjoy knocking their [democrats] soft teeth down their whiny throats." Yep, badass all around.

So I was a bit surprised to read, via Kos, that Felix cut and run from his own campaign events in Staunton, a small town in western VA (a Felix stronghold):

STAUNTON — Sen. George Allen gave the slip to protesters, supporters and city officials today, bypassing an afternoon stop in downtown Staunton for an unannounced lunch break at a local drive-in restaurant.

The last-minute change in plans came minutes after a man identifying himself as a University of Virginia law school student broke in front of reporters at an event at Staunton’s Holiday Inn, forcefully asking the senator, “Have you ever used the word n-----?”

He also questioned why Allen, a one-term Republican senator and former governor, had once displayed a noose in his office.

That's right, the guy who enjoys knocking the soft teeth of dems down their whiny throats cut and run from a soft-toothed, whiny-throated dem. A freakin' law school student, at that.

Okay, that's not fair. The soft-toothed whiny fellow was only part of the horrific menace Felix faced. He also had to contend with the primal, Jungian fear shared by all humans, a nearly unmentionable terror that would make Atilla the Hun mess his pants, or whatever it is that Huns wore: a guy dressed up as a monkey. And not just any monkey, a sandal-wearing one. Oh, how many H.P. Lovecraft tales ended with this dread menace rising from the ochre, blasting the sanity of all who gaze on it's baleful furryness and comfortable footwear?

I guess it's really no surprise, then, that Felix turned tail and scurried off to the hide in the comforting bosom of a French fry joint, just like he did for the entire Vietnam war (actually, he spent the war heroically protecting dude ranches in Nevada). I just hope his campaign staff knows the Heimlich manuver, cuz I think he's about to choke on his own soft teeth.

Heckuva Job

Hey, remember Hurricane Katrina? Think Progress has a timeline that will remind you just how big a group of incompetents are currently running the country.

Go wallow in our nation's shame. What better way to kick off a weekend?

Gmail Hates America, Makes Me Laugh

The wife and I were exchanging emails earlier. She just sent me the "sponsored links" that she had.

Sponsored Links

George Allen promotes common sense conservative principles!
www.georgeallen.com

Senator Apologizes
Allen apologized for racist remark. For Breaking News, visit CNN.com.CNN.com

It works on so many levels!

Friday Random Ten

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the esteemed Tammy Faye Bakker and her duet partner Simba.

For those of you who don't watch the Nature Channel in full-blown rapture, Safari Tammy is demonstrating a little-known fact. While lions can smell fear, they can't pick up the scent if you caulk on a few pounds of Maybelline.

I'm really not sure how to approach this album cover. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to approach this album cover unless it's with a pair of iron tongs and a Hazmat suit.

But I am reminded of the famous words of former First Drunk Billy Carter. "Some Christians," he said, "deserve to be eaten by lions."

Alright, time for the Friday Random Ten. Let's do this thing.

1. James Brown, "People Get Up and Drive Your Funky Soul" -- An outstanding track from the 1973 Jim Brown blaxploitation flick "Slaughter's Big Rip-Off." How good is the movie? Here's the tagline: "The mob put the finger on Slaughter...so he gave them the finger right back--curled tight around a trigger!" If this isn't cool, I don't know what is. 10/10

2. Gorillaz, "Dirty Harry" -- Hmm, looks like an early '70s action flick theme is developing. This is a nice follow-up to the first album's big single, "Clint Eastwood." (I think the former mayor of Carmel needs to get a restraining order against these dudes.) Anyone see these kids in concert? DirecTV has been running a show they did and it looks phenomenal. 9/10

3. The Sugar Hill Gang, "Apache" -- Yes, I know they were the original label-manufactured, test-tube baby hiphop group and, yes, I know that they looked like they'd cloned Rerun from "What's Happening" and gave them all Kangols and turntables. But, dammit, they still put together some catchy hits, and this song always makes me want to get on my horse and riiiiiide. "I sting squaws, then I run away / Hi-ho, Silver, is what I say!" 7/10

4. Ray Charles, "Lonely Avenue" -- I have a soft spot for Ray, especially the great R&B work he did at Atlantic in the '50s. A classic, though perhaps not cool. 6/10

5. Air featuring MF Doom, "Darbye (Remix)" -- Two artists I love individually, but for some reason they just don't mesh well here. Somebody got chocolate in my peanut butter, and it tastes like crap. 5/10

6. William Shatner, "Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man" -- If you've never had a friend freak out on acid, just give this song a listen to appreciate the experience. Insane. I actually caught the Comedy Central Roast of Shatner the other night -- I know, I know -- and it was pretty damn funny. As one of the roasters said, Shatner managed to make a lack of talent and charm seem to be hiply ironic. 4/10

7. The White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" -- Well, it looks like we're going to start another round of the eternal White Stripes vs. Raconteurs debate in the comments. This is actually one of my favorite Stripes' tunes, a song that has more bottom than Shirley Hemphill. (That's right. Two "What's Happening" jokes in a single post. Deal with it.) 8/10

8. Catlow, "Number One" -- I don't much about this band, but since it seems to feature an Indie Rocking Chick in the vein of Liz Phair near her prime, I probably should. Not too shabby. 6/10

9. The Killers, "Somebody Told Me" -- Is it just me, or does this band already seem badly dated? Eh. 4/10

10. Wolf Parade, "Dinner Bells" -- Oh, what a nice finish. If this song were any more brilliant, it would collapse upon itself like a supernova. I don't like to make sweeping generalizations, but if you don't already own and love this album, then there's a very good chance that you're responsible for everything bad in the world. There. I said it. 10/10

Alright, despite a couple perfect songs, I still end up with a 7.1 average. Looks like I'm doomed to a life of mediocrity. Oh well, I'm part of the MTV generation that feels neither highs nor lows. (What's that like? Meh.)

Let's see what the rest of you have got. Give us your own lists, with or without comments, or just let your snark flow freely.

Denial

Once again, TBogg steps to the plate, points to the fences, and knocks it out of the park.

Now, I'm not sure if TBogg then completed the Babe Ruth Triathalon by next consuming his weight in hot dogs and beer and then passing out pantsless on top of a speakeasy chorus line. But Lord knows he deserves it.

"I Don't Know, That's a Pretty Big Lock!"

I just had the draft for my fantasy football league, and therefore I'm really in the mood for sports-related sarcasm. In that vein, let me recommend a site that Mr. Furious introduced me to in the comments to an early post, the beautifully named Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Here's a sample of the love, from their preview of the Buffalo Bills:

Scott Norwood now resides in Northern Virginia, where he makes a living as realtor, mostly selling ranch homes that lean just a little to the right. Third prize is you're fired, Norwood. PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN NORWOOD! Coffee is for kickers!

If you liked that, you'll love the rest of the site. And if you didn't get the Scott Norwood reference, there's a very good chance you and I will have little to talk about for the next five months.

One Warranty Card for Swedish-made Penis Enlarger Pump, Filled out by Mardin Azad Amin

Talk about a rock and a hard place.

Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze last week when security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious-looking object in his luggage.

So Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He told security the object was a bomb, Cook County prosecutors said.

The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke, prosecutors said.

In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component for a penis pump.

I can think of few things more stupid than claiming you are carrying a bomb in an airport. One of them would taking a penis pump in your carry on luggage. (Though this is pretty stupid, too.)

Where's My Commercial?

This is some of the best crime reporting I've read in a while.

A 48-year-old man woke up Sunday morning unable to remember how he got into bed, what happened the night before or where his pants went.

Eugenio Pagan, of West Park Avenue, called police at 2 p.m. Sunday to report that someone stole his wallet with $3,500 in it, according to a police report.

The wallet was in his pants, which were taken off his body.

He said he was drinking the night before on his front porch with four friends. The next thing he knew, he woke up in bed in his underwear, according to the report.

His bedroom door and front door were locked.

Pagan's keys and cell phone were also gone.

He called two of his friends, who said it was his cousin who put him to bed.

Even Pagan only knew his cousin by the name of "Fufia," and he said he lives at Walnut Villas Apartments, but he didn't know what apartment.

Pagan said his cousin is a former drug user, so he wouldn't be surprised if he took his pants.

If you divide the amount of money by 100, this was me every night from 18-26. Thanks, guys, for not taking my pants. Except for that one time.

But He Gassed His Own People!

More insight into the walnut-sized mind of the Decider:

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

I'm so glad that President Pull My Finger has restored honor and dignity to the White House.

And he's paranoid around women? No wonder.

Caption Contest

This morning, the president held a tantrum -- I'm sorry, a "press conference" -- and gave us another image to play with.

So have at him, folks.

Home Improvement

I’m installing a pedestal sink in the guest bathroom this weekend. I’ve seen TV shows on home improvement, and they all suck. Where’s the cussing? Where’s the blood? Where’s the 4 inches of butt crack? I figure the world could use some real home improvement instructions, so move over, Norm Abrams!

1. Go to Home Despot. Select sink and pedestal.
2. Look for Home Despot Team Member to answer a couple questions about the sink.
3. Contain growing rage at inability to find Team Member.
4. Having finally gotten the attention of a Team Member, spend 15 minutes determining that said Member would need two assistant managers and a vice president to find his own butt with both hands. Dismiss Team Member, commence ripping open boxes to answer questions for self.
5. Also purchase 3 ft x 5 ft water-resistant backer board to install in wall behind sink.
6. Once at car, discover that neither the Despot, Toyota, nor God ever meant for a 3 x 5 sheet of anything to fit in the back seat of a ’97 Camry.
7. Using skills learned at liberal educational institutions, disprove the existence of god and repudiate the conformity standards foisted upon us by corporate overlords. Bash a couple feet off the end of the backer board. Ignore stares and crying children.
8. Once home, celebrate by drinking 10 beers. Not only is this a just reward, the alcohol will help deaden the pain of the various injuries to be sustained later.

I'll update as events warrant.

Update 1. There is an ancient Chinese home improvement proverb: Measure twice, cut once. I revise and extend: Measure twice, cut once; measure again, cut again; measure again, step on nail with bare foot; lower your standards, accept the cuts you have made, get on with life.

Update 2. Toilet seats rarely make good work surfaces.

Update 3. Neither call yourself a weekend warrior nor dub your improvement a weekend project. This sets expectations far, far too high.

Update 4. My toilet is white, so I got a white sink. Somehow, the sink is whiter than the toilet. At first I thought it was cuz I'd been looking at these illusions for a few hours, but the wife confirms. There is no emoticon to express the emotions I am feeling.

Update 5. The step they spend the least amount of time on in the instructions is the one you'll spend the most time struggling with. "Level the sink and pedestal" my ass.

I Am So High

I thought I saw this on cnn.com just now.

"Bush pardons moonshining 'Deliverance' actor."

I mean, honest to God, this could never happen.

Friday Zebra Blogging

Awwww



From a friend in Malawi.

Friday Random Ten

I've held off on using this album cover for so long now because it's featured in the alternating all-star images over at the Poor Man. But I can't hold off any longer. I've got a request, dammit, and it's 100% Ken.

The beauty of this album cover is its simplicity. A nice high school photo layout, with the serious close-up well balanced by a smiling, kick-back-casual seated shot. It showcases both sides of Ken, with the high-fiber Ken giving you the stuff you need and sugar-coated Ken giving you the stuff you crave. Ken. He's everywhere you want to be!

Alright, let's do this thing.

1. Muddy Waters, "I'm a King Bee" -- Some classic late-career blues from McKinley Morganfield. (Yeah, yeah, you call him Muddy Waters. His mama called him Morganfield -- I call him Morganfield.) Nicely done. 7/10

2. Band of Horses, "Weed Party" -- I finally listened to the recommendations of a number of friends about this band, and I can't say I'm disappointed. Sort of a blend of Hüsker Dü, the Byrds and a whole lot of Built to Spill. Very nice. 8/10

3. The Magnetic Fields, "Young and Insane" -- This is from the excellent House of Tomorrow five-song EP, one of those discs that is nothing but beauty. I have a soft spot for Stephin Merritt's work, and this one always reminds me why. 9/10

4. Asheru and Blue Black of the Unspoken Herd, "Smiley (The Woh, Woh Song)" -- Don't let the awful song or artist names scare you away. This is some phenomenal hiphop, blissfully smooth and catchy as hell. (Asheru does the theme to the Boondocks cartoon if that helps you place the voice.) Very nice. 10/10

5. Elvis Presley, "Can't Help Falling in Love" -- I have a soft spot for Fat Elvis, but there's no way in hell this song can be classified as "cool." 4/10

6. PJ Harvey, "Man-Size" -- I tend to run hot and cold when it comes to Polly Jean, and this is a song that belongs in the fridge. Just a little bit too much angst and screaming for my tastes. 6/10

7. Jungle Brothers, "What U Waitin' 4?" -- Damn, whatever happened to these guys? Back in The Day, they were always right there in the wake of De La Soul and Tribe Called Quest, but they've long since disappeared from the scene. Shame. 7/10

8. Kashmere Stage Band, "Kashmere" -- This is a great instrumental group along the lines of the Funk Brothers, the Stax studio band, or any other set of professional backing musicians. But they're a high school band. Unbelievable talent. If you have the first Handsome Boy Modeling School album, this song is used for most of the horn and drum breaks on "Holy Calamity." Amazing. 9/10

9. David Lee Roth with the John Jorgenson Bluegrass Band, "Jump" -- No, seriously. 7/10

10. The Raconteurs, "Broken Boy Soldier" -- I was always a little lukewarm about the White Stripes, but I like the latest incarnation of Mr. White here. I'm not sure if it's the fact that he finally has a full band working around him, or if Brendan Benson's influence is that strong, but if this is where he's heading from here on out, sign me up. 9/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.6 average. Not the best I've done, but at least I'm in the top quartile of all Friday Random Tens. Call Harvard!

Let's see what you've got. Please feel free to drop your own FRT in the comments below, or unleash your inner music snob to rip apart my songs and ratings. Bring it!

"Cameras Aren't Allowed Inside the Courtroom, So We'll Have To Be Very Quiet...."

Thanks to this incredibly important breaking story, the cable news networks are going to be absolutely unwatchable for the next 3-5 days. (Case in point: I just saw a former neighbor of the killer on CNN, talking about how he was such a wonderfully nice guy. "He'd always buy the most wrapping paper when I was selling it at Christmas, and he always bought lots and lots of Girl Scout cookies from me too!" Gee, doesn't sound like a creepy pedophile on the prowl at all. Nope.)

Anyway, since there's no new news worth watching, you might want to grab your passport and head for Scarborough Country. This segment, titled "Is Bush an Idiot?," is just a thing of beauty.

Caption Contest

Time for another caption contest, folks.

Release the hounds!

Do You Like Piña Coladas? And Getting Back at Hussein?

The good people at Sadly, No! have discovered a new personal ad service over at National Review Online.

Personally, I refuse to click through to the ads, largely because I'm worried about what I might find. I'm assuming it's just a bunch of entries that read:

Single, white, middle-aged male. Interests include snowflake babies, the imminent Rapture, supply-side economics, the stories of Ahmed Chalabi, intelligent design theories, The Bell Curve, Star Wars missile defense, and Atlas Shrugs. No crackpots!!!

Sure, maybe there's something interesting, like a Glamour Shot of Jonah Goldberg or a note from John Derbyshire in search of fifteen year old girls. But I'm not brave enough to find out.

Gimme an F!

The fine people over at McSweeney's have uncovered George W. Bush's report card from his senior year at Andover:

Advanced Biology: C

George sits in the back row and frequently interrupts my lectures with snickers and giggles. During our discussion of the reproductive cycle of the fruit fly, he walked to the front of the room, told the class to "earmuff it," and attempted to cover my mouth. We have discussed at great length the situation with the dissection of the fetal pig, but George caused another commotion in the classroom when he decided to throw all the Arthropoda out the window so they could "break the shells of tyranny and give birth to democracy." After much consideration, I've decided I won't let George turn his back to me during my lectures on the flora and fauna of the Galápagos, and he is not allowed to refer to Darwin's Beagle as "the Snoopy ship."

There's a lot more. Look upon his might and despair!

Today's Sign of the Apocalypse

Today, I would like to recommend this fine column by George Will.

Tomorrow, a plague of locusts!

More Monkey Business from George Allen

So yesterday I wrote a comment in which I said that the media isn't likely to turn against the GOP unless some relatively minor incident should strike their delicate sensibilities just so. I then made up a couple examples, including "George Allen using the 'n' word on the floor of the senate." I decided that that was a little too obnoxious, not to mention pretty far-fetched, so I deleted it.

This morning I opened my email and found a link to yesterday's WashPost from Otto Man:

Virginia Sen. George Allen (R) apologized Monday for what his opponent's campaign said were demeaning and insensitive comments the senator made to a 20-year-old volunteer of Indian descent. At a campaign rally in southwest Virginia on Friday, Allen repeatedly called a volunteer for Democrat James Webb "macaca."

Oy. "Macaca" means "monkey." Allen gave the usual crap excuse: I didn't know it meant that, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry if you're offended (but I'm really not).

I'd like to put together some snappy, Sinbad-esque material on what a poo poo head Allen is, but I haven't had my coffee yet. Thankfully, the Post is on the case, issuing a short editorial in today's paper on the subject.

Let's consider which positive, constructive or inspirational ideas Mr. Allen had in mind when he chose to mock S.R. Sidarth of Dunn Loring, who was recording the event with a video camera on behalf of James Webb, the Democratic nominee for the Senate seat Mr. Allen holds. The idea that holding up minorities to public scorn in front of an all-white crowd will elicit chortles and guffaws? (It did.) The idea that a candidate for public office can say "Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia!" to an American of Indian descent and really mean nothing offensive by it? (So insisted Mr. Allen's aides.) Or perhaps the idea that bullying your opponents and calling them strange names -- Mr. Allen twice referred to Mr. Sidarth as "Macaca" -- is within the bounds of decency on the campaign trail?

No, this won't change the race (this is Virginia, after all.) Still, can I get a "daaaaaammmmnnn"?

Exit Music (For a Film)

Thanks to the fine folks at Netflix, I've been taking a trip down memory lane with past seasons of some of my favorite TV shows.

I'm currently working my way back through "The Sopranos," and just watched the third-season episode where Tony suddenly finds himself mercifully free of his nemesis Ritchie Aprile and his nagging sister Janice in one fell swoop. Carmela turns the tables on Tony, though, and uses revelations about his mistress to get a three-week vacation in Rome. As the camera fixes in on a suddenly depressed Tony, the chorus of the Eurythmics' "I Saved the World Today" kicks in and the combination is absofuckinglutely perfect.

It made me realize there's one commonality that run through my favorite dramas -- good use of popular music on the sountrack. Ranging from a brilliant placement of Radiohead's "Everything in Its Right Place" on Showtime's excellent new series "Brotherhood" to the use of Tom Waits' "Way Down in the Hole" as the theme to "The Wire," musical cues are becoming much more sophisticated on television. (If I had all day to write this, I'd track down the endless examples from the reigning champ of musical cues, "Homicide.")

Of course, I'm a musical junkie, so maybe this is just me. Anyone else finding themselves seduced by the siren song of their favorite tunes?

Caption Contest

Just because he's on vacation, that doesn't mean we are.

Have at him. If you don't, it will clearly embolden the al-Qaeda types.

Stupid Liberal Media

Greg Sargent has a nice post up over at the Horse's Mouth about the ways in which the media has been handling international terrorism and domestic politics. Nicely done.

"You Just Made the List, Buddy"

Courtesy of Shakespeare's Sister, I'm happy to pass along the On Notice Generator.

Use it wisely, but use it all the same. How else are they going to know they're on notice if you don't use the Big Board?

The Trouble With Tribbles

Warning: Nerd humor set on stun!

Enjoy the following website.

Now, for those cool enough to understand the humor - what's YOUR favorite? (Note 3 fun pages to enjoy.)

"Sack Up, People"

Over at Kung Fu Monkey, John Rogers has just dropped off his daily dose of brilliance. This time it's a choice set of words for the chest-thumping, pants-pissing members of the 82nd Chairborne:

I am absolutely buffaloed by the people who insist I man up and take it in the teeth for the great Clash of Civilizations -- "Come ON, people, this is the EPIC LAST WAR!! You just don't have the stones to face that fact head-on!" -- who at the whiff of an actual terror plot will, with no apparent sense of irony, transform and run around shrieking, eyes rolling and Hello Kitty panties flashing like Japanese schoolgirls who have just realized that the call is coming from inside the house!

The whole thing is, as always, brilliant. Do yourself a favor and read it all.

Friday Random Ten

I'm going to give this cover an encore appearance here at the Friday Random Ten. There's just so much wrong with it.

First of all, it doesn't look like a particularly happy birthday for our girl Julie. She's in a dive bar -- not faux-dive, but real dive -- and, not surprisingly, she's none too happy. And, second, if Julie's only just now turning sixteen, then what in God's name is she doing with this middle-aged Daniel Stern lookalike? (The only way this pairing makes sense is if this is a screen shot from Home Alone 4: Sixteen Candles.) And third, if Daniel Stern is breaking up with her, how come he's the one who gets the beer and cigarette? She's getting dumped by a middle-aged loser. Jesus, man. Help soften the blow.

Anyway, the triumphant return of Not Even the Pedophiles Want You can only mean that it's time, my friends, for the Friday Random Ten.

You know the routine by now. Put the iPod on shuffle, give us the first ten songs, and, if you'd like, a coolness self-audit. (Note: If you don't have an iPod or imitationPod, just try throwing all your CDs up in the air. The first ten discs to pierce your skin are the keepers. It's like a musical version of Lawn Darts, and what could be more wholesome and fun than that?)

Here's mine:

1. Nina Simone, "House of the Rising Sun" -- This is a live, rollicking, organ-driven, hand-clapping, ass-shaking version of the Animals classic. And, needless to say, Nina Simone takes their song away from them and makes it her cabana boy. 9/10

2. The Detroit Cobras, "Cry On" -- The Cobras are a nice throwback to the old Motown sound with just enough modern sauciness thrown in to make a difference. They're sort of the R&B analogue of Rev. Horton Heat. I normally like the cut of their jib, but this is a somewhat mediocre effort. 6/10

3. Gnarls Barkley, "Transformer" -- I really like half of this album, but the other half (which includes this tune) is just a little too precociously busy for my tastes. This song sounds like what you'd get if Pee Wee Herman produced an Outkast CD. 4/10

4. William Shatner, "Common People" -- I think I enjoyed the William Shatner Experience back when he wasn't in on the joke with us. To his credit, he's made peace with the world of campy, self-mocking -- see also West, Adam -- but the music just doesn't do it for me when it doesn't seem sincere. Eh. 5/10

5. Rufus and Chaka Khan, "You Got the Love" -- Damn straight. This may be my favorite Rufus tune, slightly edging out the funkier but slower "Tell Me Something Good." Whatever. It's musical gold, Jerry. Gold! 10/10

6. The Roots with Common, "Love of My Life (live)" -- The slow opening of this song is absolutely fantastic, especially the ways in which they slowly creep the organ and drum into the vocals. It's like a goddamn ninja, I tells ya! One of the two times I've liked the live release of a song better than the original album version. (The other, since you're dying to know, is Radiohead's "I Might Be Wrong.") 9/10

7. Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Someday Never Comes" -- Lordy, do I loves me some CCR. 8/10

8. The Beanuts, "Muchachacha" -- I suppose the greatest fame of the Beatnuts is that J.Lo shamelessly stole the beats from their excellent "Watch Out Now" for her crappy "Jenny from the Block." This is an equally funky tune from the same album (theirs, not J.Lo's) and it's got some saucy lyrics. "Taste dick when you're kissin' your girl? / You should, 'cause she swallows more nut than a squirrel." I believe they're up for the Gloria Steinham Lifetime Achievement Award at this year's NOW Convention. 8/10

9. Dead Prez, "Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)" -- I have a soft spot for this song, merely because the third verse was lifted and used brilliantly in a Diplo remix of TV on the Radio's "Staring at the Sun." The original version is pretty sweet, except for the lame-ass chorus. (There's a reason Diplo only stole the verse.) Good, but not great. 7/10

10. Public Enemy, "Burn Hollywood Burn" -- Looks like it's going to be a hiphop trifecta. Y'all had "Black Caesar" back at the crib? We coulda been rollin' with that the whole time! 9/10

Alright, that gives me a 7.5 average. I had it all this week -- the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles -- and yet somehow balanced out with my Coolness Tank at three-quarters full. I'll take it.

Let's see what you've got. Drop your own FRT in the comments below, or else free associate with my own selections and/or ratings. Surely, we've got at least one Shater apologist in the house, right?

Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You

I'm thrilled to see that Chuck Todd of the National Journal is in complete agreement with me:

Hotline researchers are already on the case, but we can't find evidence of any primary night (in a non-redistricting year) producing three incumbent losses. And these losses were across the ideological and geographic spectrum. Each one individually can be explained away (moderate Joe Schwarz only won his first race because the conservative vote was split, not so this year; Cynthia McKinney is, well, Cynthia McKinney; and Joe Lieberman found himself on the wrong end of a divisive issue in the wrong year).

And yet, they all lost to candidates promising to do the same thing: change Washington. Change the spending habits, or change the foreign policy, or simply change personal behavior.

The whole piece is solid, and as always, full of interesting tidbits. (Did you know that Alan Keyes' head is made entirely of soft cheese? That's one of the many facts not related in his column.)

But the larger point is there. For all the concerned warnings from the true and sincere friends of the Democratic Party -- you know, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Sean "Sucks Ass" Hannity -- the lesson of the Lieberman loss isn't that the Democrats are going over the edge. Instead, the message is that Bush has already run off the cliff, and is now hovering mid-air, like Wile E. Coyote with a handheld sign that reads "Yikes!" Anyone who's been clutching themselves close to Bush is right there with him, and they're all about to fall to the canyon's floor below. Unless there's an Acme-brand trampoline down there, of course.

We're seeing two overlapping, but not identical movements out there -- an anti-incumbency mood in the general electorate, and an anti-Bush drive in the Democratic ranks. Together, they spell bad news for the Bush enablers. Incumbent Republicans are running scared, not just from Bush's Corleone Kiss of Death but from any connection to the Republican Party at all. Man oh man, is that a bad sign for the GOP.

Public approval of Congress is at abysmal levels? (How low? They get to look up to see where the president's approval rating sits in the soaring mid-30s. At least Cheney's several floors below them.) More ominously, polling data on individual members of Congress shows the highest levels of dissatisfaction since 1994.

Anyone remember what happened in the congressional elections that year?

Nomentum

The Daily Show was on fire last night with the Lieberman stuff. In one of several great zingers, correspondent Samantha Bee reduced Holy Joe's never-say-lose attitude to a perfect, anti-Sherman statement: "If not nominated, he will run. If not elected, he will serve."

Missed it? Crooks and Liars, as always, has your back.

Throw the Bums Out

Well, we had a couple of important primary contests yesterday, and I have to say I'm pretty encouraged by the results.

First of all, and I realize you may not have heard about it, but there was a Senate primary in Connecticut. And an unknown upstart named Ned Lamont managed to stick it to Sen. Joe Lieberman, who had understandably assumed that the Senate seat was his birthright.

In the end, Lamont pulled off a stunning victory, but Lieberman is making noises about running as an independent. In an encouragin sign, it looks like the Democratic leaders are going to put the kibbosh on that right away. Let's hope so. I'd hate to see us lose the seat because Holy Joe's scorched earth retreat.

Second, I'm thrilled to see that the voters in Georgia gave Rep. Cynthia McKinney the boot for the second time this decade. She was absolutely crushed in a 59-41 defeat at the hands of Hank Johnson. It's great to watch the party's biggest loudmouth and worst embarrassment get shown the door in a clear and convincing fashion.

Both races are significant in similar ways. They demonstrate that Democrats in the bluest of states and districts -- and these are both overwhelmingly blue -- can and, indeed, should send representatives to Congress who accurately reflect their politics and reflect on their constituents well.

But more than that, the ouster of two high-profile incumbents from two very different wings of the Democratic Party suggests that we're seeing the rise of a new trend this electoral year -- throwing the bums out. Congress's approval rating is in the toilet and the people are pissed.

We're going to see a wave of anti-incumbent activity this year, and that could spell great news for the minority party. Looks like the Democratic strategy -- hiding under a pile of coats and hoping it all works out somehow -- may actually work for once. Who knew?