Best of 2005 (see website for full list)
Neil Diamond - 12 Songs
So he hooks up with the world’s fattest vegan, Rick Rubin, and they rent a
house in the hills where some 70’s hippie orgy that went murderously wrong took
place. They light candles, smoke pot, listen to the reels of “Reign In Blood” at
deafening volumes while Neil plays “air bass” and Rubin watches while he puts
away 8 gallons of Tofutti, grow shitty beards, eat straw and tree bark, and
avoid showering at all costs. Ultimately they end up with a killer record that
brings Neil “back to his roots”. Don’t worry though, he’s not selling out the
scene. He’s still gonna pork moms and feather his hair.
Black Mountain - Black Mountain
More Canadians. I don’t know why we keep letting this shit slide.
Apparently without adequate forms of entertainment, fear of gunshot wounds, and
“modern appliances”, those savages up there have way more free time to make good
music like this while they’re chillin’ in their igloos. Did we mention the
singer looks like “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski?
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
You know Fiona was chillin’ at home in her huge pad in the hills, naked all
jungle-muffed out, crying at the mirror, listening to “The Chronic”, and totally
bumming that her fan base consisted of a bunch of overweight bedwetting virgins.
Worst Albums of 2005 (see website for full list):
Tommy Lee - Tommyland: The Ride
This guy has 2 brain cells left, and they’re both waging a Mortal Kombat style battle in his head for supremacy. Shitty tattoos, plastic whore wives, and dumbass spoiled kids litter this guy’s life, so of course we have to hear about it. This isn’t even funny like that last band he had; you know the one with that “Get Naked” song? That band was fucking hilarious, total unintentional comedy. This is like Maroon 5 meets a karaoke bar where a group of frat house date rapists intersect with a dozen Korean weekend child molester businessmen. Yeah… it’s brutal in a “contracting STD’s” type of way.
Billy Corgan - The Future Embrace
Speaking of annoying bald singers, it took about 5 minutes after this butt nugget came out and nobody gave a shit, for Billy to announce a Smashing Pumpkins reunion. Hey Billy, Zwan sucks, this shit sucks, and you getting the Smashing Pumpkins back together without any of the original members is REALLY gonna suck. How about you just stay home, count your money, update your blog every 3 minutes, write another Courtney Love album, and cry yourself to sleep every night cos you’re still bitter about not being as cool as Kurt Cobain, and leave the rest of us in peace.